Orgasm faker. Do I fess to dh???

[blushingbutbored]

Hello

For what I am about to say, I have never confessed... anyhow my dh has never ahem made me come, however he has been labouring under the impression that he has. We have been married around 18 months and have a lovely little daughter aged 9 months (honeymoon baby).

Our sex life is fairly sporadic - we managed 3 times last year and one of those was end-of-pregnancy-mercy-sex. Yes it did work, my dd arrived smoothly the followin day !

My hubby has a fairly low sex drive, and when we do it I have to do the whole works to seduce him; the hair, the makeup, the stockings etc etc. Trouble is I am harbouring a secret resentment that he has never made me orgasm.

This is my fault. When we met I had never slept with anyone else (shy, catholic, geek) so it was all new to me and I didn't really know what to do . He has slept with quite a few people (but only one long term relationship) and he enthusiastically set out to make me come, but, well he didn't, but I felt so bad for him that I led him to believe that he had, again and again.

His sexual technique is considerate, but tbh he thinks that more than five minutes foreplay downstairs is a waste. He can turn me on with a bite to the ear etc (hehe) but I would like him to spend more time downstairs. And he tends to treat me how he would like his penis to be treated ie, quite rough movements!

He has always liked noisy girls in bed, and thinks that the girls on corny porn flics ARE really, really enjoying themselves and to make a girl come you only need five minutes foreplay and penetration [hmmm].

I have never really worried too much about him not making me come before sinceIamverygoodatpleasingmyself-- but I really would like him to do this for me because he comes every time with me. And I'm sure that greater pleasure would benefit both of us!! And the amount of sex we get!!

Part of the problem too is that I am very self conscious, and when I have tried to demonstrate what works for me I get ahem performance anxiety and it doesn't work.

How do I get more satisfaction?? Do I be honest and fess up, although that would really, really hurt him so bad and the deception would be unbearable to him.

How can I retrainhim-- get what I need while givng him what he needs? Can sex toys help? What helps for you other ladies and if it's not too personal to ask, can you tell me how a man can make a woman scream??
I do have an ideal excuse for asking for more foreplay and for being honest that I am not coming as my ladybits suffered quite a lot with the birth of our dd and things aren't the same down there...

yours in frustration

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

What about sorting yourself out while you have sex? Since pregnancy when DH wasn't 'hitting the spot' I started DIYing at the same time and now that's just what I do most of the time. DH gets me all worked up anyway so it's not as if I'm slighting his performance.

I do think that faking is dreadful (for both of you). You aren't really having a fulfilling sex life if he thinks he's making you orgasm and you are pretending. I'm not sure you need to fess up, if you think it wouldn't help, just stop faking and work on doing it properly!

The lack of foreplay is very annoying and rude though, and I suspect that his expectations of a 'proper' woman's sexual enjoyment is making you feel inhibited and not helping. Maybe you need to get him to ease off on the porn.

[blushingbutbored]

Thanks kat2907 I don't want to hurt my dh but at the same time I want to make things better for both of us. In the last year I have laid off the amateur dramatics and he has noticed but figured it was due to pg etc and things being different.

When we first dated it was a much more important issue for him than it was for me - he only saw things from a male perspective - that sex must be unfulfilling if it didn't produce a big O.

I feel that it would bring us closer emotionally though if we could both mutually come together, and if I don't do something about this now it may drive us apart.

DIYing with him is def an idea - he has already said that he would def view this as a turn-on, however I am sooo self concsious I am not sure if I could come in front of him. However, I am going to try and broach the fact that I need more foreplay in a sensitive way. As things are different for me now post childbirth.

And as he is not really keen on long foreplay, i am tempted to introduce some mild sex toys that he would have fun using on me ...

Practice makes perfect, so we may have to have a long evening in together and arrange a babysitter!

Maybe we just need to practice a lot more

[JaneS]

Can you maybe cite low libido and tell him it's not working for you 'any more'? That way you can spare his feelings, but hopefully still get to some orgasms for you.

Btw, I don't know anything about you or your partner, but as a rule, men need to be turned on for less long than women, in order to orgasm. If you keep getting dolled up first, he'll naturally be ready to go long before you get close. Maybe you can get yourself into the mood first?

[BitOfFun]

Can I just ask if you've had sex more than 3 times? Because that doesn't seem much to me to base anything on, need for toys etc. Unless I've got the wrong end of the stick?

[overmydeadbody]

Oh you poor thing. I take it you have never come through being with a man then, if your DH was your first.

You need to stop faking it, now, and fess up to your DH and then train him to do it properly. Either that or just make yourself come while he is inside you. Nothing easier than that!

[overmydeadbody]

I'm with Bitoffun, you probably just need to do it more. You cannot be married to someone you have never had an orgasm with and you are too self-conscious to make yourself come in front of, you need to relax, loose your inhibitions and start gwtting more out of sex with your DH, seriously

And if you don't want to tell him you've been faking to spoare his feelings, then don't, but teach him how to make you come. Don't even let him penetrate you until you have come next time you sleep together.

Good luck!

[plantsitter]

How about saying having the baby seems to have made it more difficult for you to orgasm so you think you both need to spend some more time on foreplay?

[lighthouse]

The only way I manage it is by sitting on top and moving back and fore. Might be worth a try, get him to have a bit of chest at the same time

[squirrel42]

"I am sooo self concsious I am not sure if I could come in front of him"

If you think that your husband watching would prevent you from orgasming while you are masturbating, which you say you're usually "very good at", that suggests to me the lack of orgasm from sex thing might be linked to your self conciousness as much as his lack of imgainative technique.

[Irishchic]

I am an in a similar position except I have never faked it from the start cos I always thought why should I. But now i wish i had faked it a bit because after 10 years of marriage I can count the amount of orgasms on one hand..and I cant start faking them now cos my husband wouldnt believe me. I have tried, we have both tried, and I can DIY no problem but i have never masturbated in front of him and indeed would feel too self conscious to do that. And also would feel slightly ridiculous having an orgasm and all that panting and moaning. I just would feel daft. This is not normal I know. I am so self conscious in this area, and yet totally fine in all other areas of life. Maybe i am just not able to let myself go and really be intimate. My dh was not my first either. I played the field, but no man ever really made me orgasm. I have learned to pleasure myself, and still enjoy sex with Dh, but it makes me a bit sad cos I know its not the way it should be and it makesd my husband feel a bit of a failure too on the bedroom front.

[overmydeadbody]

I think squirrel has just hit the nail on the head.

[overmydeadbody]

Nikkita and blushing, why do you think you are so self conscious of orgasming in front of your partners? Is it the fear of loosing control do you think?

[Magicmayhem]

I agree with rasputin.... its all to do with trust...

[blushingbutbored]

Yes squirrel has definately got something - it is as much in the mind as well as the body. I don't know why I haven't been able to DIY in front of him; he has seen me give birth and whatever else i did on that delivery table And since pg i have never been shy to use the loo (well wee anyway) in front of him.

There are two issues then; one is allowing myself to get rid of inhibitions and lose control; and the other is for him to do more to please me physically in order to get to that physical and mental state.

I did summon enough courage to casually mention this in a roundabout way today and I almost admitted that the few times we had done it in the last year hadn't rocked my world and would like us to try harder - as I need more foreplay now (thanx plantsitter).

Generally as my hubby is not easily aroused it has been for me to seduce him. I want him now to seduce me but need to be able to tell him that. Gulp, I will try to raise this with him over the next few days.

On a more positive note; today I have been a little more naughty and ooer made myself a very happy gal while he was in the same room totally oblivious while watching tv big . It is only a very tiny start but this is the first time I have managed to do this with another person present. Sorry if TMI but this has made me def more confident and maybe take a chance and do this in front of him and with him.



Nikita I'm sorry that you are in a similar position to me (absolutely no pun intended). It's something that def impinges on a relationship, and for me its something that wasn't that big at first but is a bigger issue over time. If you feel really self conscious like me - maybe you could try small steps to get to the stage where you feel comfortable enough to O in front of him by maybe trying when he is in the same room (asleep in bed maybe?) and then work up to being able to please yourself when he is aware?

OMFG!!!! My husband has just tried to read my post - he only got a small portion of this when he leant over my laptop and GOT THE BIT THAT I HAD COME WITH HIM IN THE ROOM THIS EVENING!!!!!!!!!

He hasn't got the rest of it thankgod as have explained that this is a gynacological thread for problems following childbirth which impact on sex life which has totally punctured any interest he might have in reading further [phew!phew]

[ItsGraceAgain]

blushingbutbored or whatever your new username is now
I'm putting together a few of your remarks and coming up (haha) with an age-old problem I'm afraid:-

[] You have sex infrequently
[] You have to tart yourself up to get him interested
[] He doesn't make you come
[] He's rough & inconsiderate ("he thinks that more than five minutes foreplay downstairs is a waste ... he tends to treat me how he would like his penis to be treated ie, quite rough movements!"
[] He believes the women in porn flicks really are turned on & those orgasm are real
[] You are both sexually inexperienced

The above absolutely screams "Porn Addict!"

To him, sex is wanking while a glossed-up actress writhes at the sight of his big spurting monster, screaming with joy. Said actress could be on screen, in a mag or in his head: it doesn't matter. Basically, he doesn't know how to have real sex with a real woman. It's all rub-rub, bang-bang, aaah! to him

This can, in fact, become a total marriage breaker. You can't be blamed as you didn't have much experience of men who really do like real women. You just went along with the fantasy. But. You need to turn this around, now. Or your chances of posting a thread entitled "DH spends every night having sex online" will be increasing vastly

For once, I don't think it's great to DIY in his presence. Generally, yes, but in your case it's just stepping into another well-known porn scene.

I suspect you need to address it directly with him - you don't necessarily need to do a big confrontation thing, but you could find a good reason, perhaps why your sexual arousal system is all messed up presently ... and use that to do the things a sex therapist would recommend. These involve taking long baths together, lying side-by-side and stroking slowly, and so on. You have to make a NO SEX rule while doing these! The idea is to introduce loving sensuality.
After a while, you can gently guide him to 'do' you like you like to be done.

It's quite a slow process. And you'll have to get him to dump the porn.
Sorry ...

[hf128219]

I have the opposite problem - I come all the time. It's great

[ItsGraceAgain]

What, like those people with the sneezing disorder?

[Irishchic]

Blushing your last post made me laugh and am impressed by uour quick thinking.

ItsGraceAgain have you any advice for me? I take on bored that comment about trust..but I do trust my dh, I just dont feel I can let myself go with him and to add to that hate the thought of telling him what pleases me, cos then it becomes so mechanical, you now, do this, do that, a bit harder, a bit softer, we could be there all day before anything happens, and with 5 young kids getting any chance for sex is hard enough without having to turn it into an orgasm search.

But also, he does not make me feel beautiful. He has NEVER told me i am beautiful. I know he thinks I am very attractive, and when we go out he willsay lightheartedly oh you are looking very well, or very foxy(!) but never has he called me beautiful cos i think he would find that emarrassing to say, like he cant say I love you, just love you loads again in a jokey way and that's fine, I know he means it. But it would make the world of a difference ifhe could LOOK me in the ey, and without the jokey tone say, You are beautiful..and I love you, just before sex, I think that would be a start in getting me in the mood.

I hate to have to ask for this. Or ask for anything. I feel it should come to him naturally. No one wants to ASK their DH to tell them they are beautiful..

[blushingbutbored]

Thanks itsgraceagain I think we need to take things sloowly and perhaps agree on just loving touching. I think that would make me feel less resentful atm as for me it just seems that a. i have to be grateful that we have any sex and b. it's all such an effort for me. Just for once I would like to not have to make an effort and lie in bed not sucking my tummy in and wearing big fluffy socks and big mummy pants.

Nikita Iknow what you mean, my dh has never just looked me in the eyes and said 'you are beautiful'. I'm not of course, but not too bad but it would be nice to be told once a while - especially before sex. Instead i am told on a fairly regular basis that i am 'chubby' have 'love handles' and that my boobs 'could be higher' and I need 'to get down that gym'. BTW I can still fit into size 10 jeans (just) tho my boobs ARE huge.

When I have raised this with dh he has said that he means all this in an 'affectionate' way - and it's odd but he does mean this. He just finds it almost impossible to say nice things to me without making a joke of it - it seem to be too much intimacy for him. And he has pointed out if I know that I am attractive when we go out for instance, why does he have to tell me fgs?

Btw he does care for me and love me and less of a wanker than I make out. If i am ill or upset he is there immediately, and although insensitive sometimes is willing to do incredibly nice things for me like driving all night with a sick pet to see the best vet etc. And a lot of the time he just gets me, knows what I'm thinking or would like.

It's just that things for things that are emotionally intimate inc intimacy through sex he behaves like a sort of typically English twat. I know that the feeling is there but I would have to possibly tie him to the bedposts with his testicles in my hand to get it out of him. (that is a thought, no?)

BTW he was like this with I love you and would never ever say it until we had been going out 18 mths and I threatened to leave - And meant it. After that he found it easier to say so maybe another strop beckons...

[brettgirl2]

Personally I would not have sex with a man who told me I was chubby, had love handles and that my boobs could be higher. Why are you sucking your tummy in?

I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable and unable to relax.

[blushingbutbored]

Hi brettgirl2 I have confronted him in the past about why he persists in these insults and that I wanted him to say something nice about me and he just says stop being so silly, and when pushed of course he finds me attractive, that it is a 'joke' and that I know how attractive I am so anything else is just vanity.

It is just words but I do want him to sometimes say, especially for sex, that he loves me and in his eyes I am always beautiful to him. In his eyes it is just a way of disguising affection - he does it to our pets and calling everything 'fatso'. But even as a joke I would never go around saying to him that he has a nice beer gut or a small dick.

Mind you his view is that (blunt, brutal) honesty is always the best policy so he would probably admit that his beer gut is rather large, and his manhood could always be bigger. And in the same way although he is being affectionate, my tummy is flabbier since being pregnant and a few sessions in the gym surely wouldn't hurt.

tbh i'm not going to bother sucking my tummy in again - even though he thinks grabbing it and wobbling it is an appropriate form of foreplay this is not as inappropriate as it sounds as if I'm in the right mood I do enjoy a tickle, but being reminded of my changed body is not in the least erotic.

I birthed his child with that tummy, so he should at least show it some respect

Tbh I need to talk with him don't I? I just don't know how to go about it. I'm almost tempted to accidently let him see this post as it probably articulates it better.

bbs

[Irishchic]

Blushing I do sympathise with you. A lot of this sounds very familiar to me.

You do need to talk. (and so do I with my DH!)

Write down all your thoughts, choose your time, and be yourself. If he favours honesty so much then your dh can only welcome the fact that you are opening up to him on this issue.

I intend to change things with my husband too, thought waiting for the right time. It becuase we were at Relate earlier in the year and things are better now but I want to wait until we are on really secure ground again before I open up on this one.

Good Luck.

[AnyFucker]

show him this thread

he sounds like an insensitive nobber

he would get better sex if he showed some appreciation...what the fuck is he ? stupid or summat ?

gah

[ItsGraceAgain]

AnyFucker for prime minister!