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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pressure and sex

21 replies

NoSexPleaseWereBritish · 08/01/2010 18:46

I have been seeing a guy for 3 or so months and we are yet to have sex. He has only ever slept with one person and was with his ex for about 10 years, whereas I used to be superslut! He knows about my history and is ok with it.
He was having some issues with maintaining an erection whenever I came near him but we have sorted that out. We have also spent a lot of time doing other things so I know he is attracted to me (everything is perfect in regards to everything else).
He says that it is nerves or something and has nothing to do with me but of course I think it is. I have tried everything from oral sex, lingerie, crying etc but still nothing. I feel like an 18 year old boy pressuring his girlfriend!
So AIBU unreasonable to expect a 34 year old man to sleep with his girlfriend??

OP posts:

Report

maristella · 08/01/2010 19:06

yanbu! i would be very disappointed.
maybe you both could try banning sex itself and enjoying everything else?
also fwiw your history is none of his business. ime talking past sexual experiences brings nothing particularly positive to the table, although obviously there are exceptions. by giving him that info you've provided competition for him.

traumaqueen · 08/01/2010 19:21

Can we clarify here. By 'want' do you mean the spirit is willing but the flesh is - well - flaccid; or do you mean he is physically all there but just won't do the deed.

TBH, I think this is very unusual.

NoSexPleaseWereBritish · 08/01/2010 19:38

He says he wants to. He says it is not me, he likes me, wants to have sex but there is something there stopping him. As for an erection, before hand it was his inability to keep it up, it was purely psychological and not physiological.
When he was with his ex they had not had sex for about 2 years before they broke up. Also he said he has a low sex drive normally and I can have it anywhere, anytime. He is not sexually shy or repressed (far from it) so that is not the reason. He says that he will be ready soon and not to push. I know he is not 18 and can't do it every minute but once would be nice.

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 19:44

If you like him then you need to respect his feelings with this. He says he's not ready then wait. You are doing other stuff which you say is good. He says he will be ready soon.

I also do not think it is a fab idea to share sexual histories, but I do have friends who have and they are fine with it.

ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 19:46

The thing that might worry me is that if you have a very high sex drive and he has a very low sex drive then you might not be compatible in the long run. Unless you will be happy sorting yourself out a fair bit (which from the fact you have posted about this in the first place, i guess that wouldn't be enough).

NoSexPleaseWereBritish · 08/01/2010 19:47

He does not know how many I have slept with but he did tell me that he lost his virginity quite late and has only been with one person. He knows that I have been with more then one person. I am ok to wait but would love to sleep with him (it has been many years since I last had sex so am somewhat desperate (grin) ).

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 19:50

It's nice you're keen

Please don't cry at him again... Let him take his time hopefully it'll be worth it!

NoSexPleaseWereBritish · 08/01/2010 19:56

I did not mean to cry but I thought it was me not him. Thanks for the support. Will just have to think celibate thoughts!

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 08/01/2010 20:07

I know it's hard (fnar) but I suppose the best way to look at it is that it's a very common situation but the other way round! I suspect if a woman said that she wanted to wait and she was being pressured you would say the man should respect her wishes, try to do the same the other way!

DH always says that he's sad that men are portrayed as sex mad desperate to get into anyone's knickers when lots of them aren't like that. It is nothing to do with you, you know it isn't from the other stuff. Chin up and good luck

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 08/01/2010 20:52

If you have a much higher libido than him then, as someone else said, there could be longterm problems between you - eg you may be thinking that if you can get him to do it the once he will be rampant all the time and this may not be the case, so you will have to be prepared to compromise and discuss it. Please bear in mind that the more pressure a man feels under to perform, the more likely willy-wilt becomes. Give the poor chap a bit of time (though not more than a year as otherwise you will both be trapped in a miserable situation that doesn't suit either of you).

TheUsefulSuspect · 09/01/2010 22:41

he might be bent?

Rindercella · 09/01/2010 22:47

Hmm, TheUsefulSuspect. That comment isn't very, erm, useful

OP, if you really like him and everything else is good then give it some more time. Perhaps if he feels less pressure things may improve?

ninah · 09/01/2010 22:51

I'd be worried about the sex free years with ex and normally low drive, as it sounds an ongoing situation

motherlovebone · 09/01/2010 22:56

he might be intimidated by your past?

Alambil · 09/01/2010 23:05

sounds like a refreshing change from the blokes that expect it by date 2 to me!

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 09/01/2010 23:06

It sounds like he just doesn't have much of a sex drive. SOme people don't. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him, just as there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for liking sex and having had lots of it.
What it does mean is that you and this man might not be very compatible long term.

TheUsefulSuspect · 09/01/2010 23:54

Sorry all I have just learned lesson 1 in never leaving your screen unlocked

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh · 10/01/2010 01:09

US: Mischevious teen? Or mischevious H?

Rindercella · 10/01/2010 10:18

Very funny

NoSexPleaseWereBritish · 10/01/2010 12:12

Apart from the actual pentration this is the best relationship (sex and emotionally) I have ever been in. He has worked tirelessly to resolve my issue (could never orgasm at all with any kind of sex) and that is why I feel bad for pressuring him. I am used to men wanting sex 24/7 so this is new to me.
I guess all I can do is wait, let him know I am horny and cross my fingers.

OP posts:

purplepeony · 10/01/2010 13:01

I'd be really wary. TBH.

I knew a man like this once, though at first he was up fot it but after a few times he developed psycholgical issues (guilt, hang ups)- or rather they came to the fore. All sex apart from kissing was stopped. I sought sex therapy to try to find the answer- which was to back off. Did that- though not all the time as I found it v. frustrating. and nothing changed. After 4 years of a platonic relationship we parted. I really loved him and vice versa. Very sad.

He did goon to marry so I guess it was sorted.
However, in your case, I think you should prepare for the worst. It is possible he could be a closet gay- you must acknowledge that as a possibility.

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