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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH Kicked me!

69 replies

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 15:41

Right I know most people will say get out now and I used to always say I would if he ever hurt me but hear me out. Long story...
We have always had a fiery relationship but have never been violent with each other before. We have a 3year old DD and he is stressed out at work. I am trying to come off antidepressants which has made my mood low and everything sort of exploded last week. I was sat on floor and kept rowing and rowing and he just kicked me!! I was sat on floor he then told us to go so went to mums. Within an hour he had calmed down and said we should come back and he has been perfect ever since and apologetic.
I just can't stop thinking about what happened and some people think it will happen again. We have been together 7 years and he has never once punched or kicked me before. I love him to bits and he says he loves me. We don't row excessively but have the odd tiff. I wonder if anyone else has been through this?

OP posts:

Report

paulaplumpbottom · 07/01/2010 15:44

I need to knwo more about the kick. Where did he kick you. How hard?

purplepeony · 07/01/2010 15:46

as above- playful kick up bum- a tap? Or a great big whack where it would hurt?

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 15:47

He kicked me on shins as I was sat on floor. He stood up and kicked me then walked away. He only had slippers on and it didn't look like he had swung his leg but it bloody hurt. I bruise easily and so have bad ones. When questioned later he didn't think he had kicked me he said he had shoved my legs out of the way and was shocked. He looked genuine but either way he has never done this before

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LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 07/01/2010 15:49

Personally, a one off incident like you have described would not make me leave however anything after that would be a different story.

Are you asking cause you always said you would leave if anything like that happened and now it has you don't think you should?

paulaplumpbottom · 07/01/2010 15:52

He shouldn't have kicked you of course, but it doesn't sound like it was very violent

purplepeony · 07/01/2010 15:52

If it's a one-off I'd ignore but make sure it doesn't happen again. Sounds as if he was at the end of his tether and you have really wound him up- no excuse for kicking you but it doesn't sound like a serious lashing-out.

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 15:53

Yeah I always said if he ever touched me that would be it but it wasn't as if he had punched me or broke anything and he was angrier than I have ever seen him. I dont want to keep making excuses for him cos it wasnt right he should never had done it but I love him and know he would never hurt DD and dont think he would hurt me again. But some of my friends think he will - this upsets me. He isnt very sociable as is painfully shy so my friends dont see him often so dont see his funny/nice side they only heae my moans when hes pissed me off. He has always been a good dad and looks after us both

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FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 07/01/2010 15:56

Your first line makes it clear you won't leave so not sure what you are hoping to get from posting and having anyone else going through the same doesn't really help you practically or emotionally.

I read so many posts on here where men have been violent to their partner and a lot of the time the woman stays. It is your relationship and you have to decide if it is okay what he did.

Earlybird · 07/01/2010 15:59

If he has never done anything like this before, the question should be asked...were you provoking him/winding him up in any way?

What had you said to him prior to the kick?

Not blaming you or absolving him, btw...

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:02

Was definitely winding him up I knew he was getting angry but wanted to make my point. It was about something and nothing. I won't leave him unless it carries on but needed other peoples opinions even if just to make me feel better about my decision as like I said a couple of friends think i'm daft and will never forgive him

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FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 07/01/2010 16:04

If you need to feel better about your decision does that not tell you something?

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:06

I know but its a lot to throw away when its the only time he has ever done this. 7 years a beautiful child and a lovely house... I love him its just shocked me and it just pops into my head every now and then. Think its still just a bit raw

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purplepeony · 07/01/2010 16:10

Have you talked to him about it?

diddl · 07/01/2010 16:13

It seems as if he did it so deliberately though, not a "spur of the moment" thing.

Most men if wound up don´t lash out.

For me I would have to leave.

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:13

yes and he says he is sorry. I said that I (meaning friends) were worried it might happen again and he swears it won't. He said he doesnt want to lose us both and has been trying harder since then. Like I said we have been through a bit of a bad patch and havent really been spending a lot of time together. He is coming up with suggestions of things we can do and is just generally calmer

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Earlybird · 07/01/2010 16:14

He shouldn't have done it - absolutely not - but you are failing to look at what you contributed to the situation.

You need to examine why you kept winding him up (especially when you knew you were doing it) in order to make your point? Why?

His actions (while wrong, wrong, wrong) give you the moral 'high ground', and I must say the fact that you've run to your friends to discuss, and then posted on here seems off, imo.

Think you bear a good deal of responsibility for what transpired too, and need to examine your own actions, instead of making him the sole 'bad guy'.

autumnlight · 07/01/2010 16:16

As one of the many women on here who has been abused, what worries me, amongst many things when someone says about such an incident, is the worry of a line being crossed with your H doing this. I am just very wary of how a man's behaviour towards a woman can deteriorate over a relatively short space of time and more and more lines of acceptable behaviour are crossed. One of the times my H chucked me out of the house, in the middle of winter, when I was pregnant, he only rang me to come home when our baby started crying and he did not want to deal with it. So I hope your H was sorry and asked you to come back in a nice way. My H has never been sorry about anything bad he has done to me - he would not dream of apologising. And the first time he raised a hand to me (a slap on my face) was as soon as I became a mother to his children. The abuse then just went from bad to worse. Please just be very aware and do not accept any such behaviour in the future.

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:16

diddl thats what I always said I would do but now put in that situation its harder to just do that. It does seem deliberate but he says he didnt think he had kicked very hard he thought he had shoved my legs away as he got up to walk through to kitchen. It was very wrong I know this no man should ever do that. I just feel strongly that as he has never done it before he wont do it again. We have had big rows before and he has never done that so its not as if everytime he gets wound up he lashes out

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yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:19

thats awful autmnlight and yes he did seem upset and sorry when he asked us to come home so hopefully he really is sorry and feeling guilty. I do accept some responsibilty earlybird I dont know why I kept winding him up maybe just to get the last word I dont know but yes if I had stopped he wouldnt have done it

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Heqet · 07/01/2010 16:20

You have decided it's nothing serious and you are not going to leave him, it's out of character and he's a good man.

Fair enough, that's up to you.

But you chose to tell friends, and you may forgive him but they never will. So don't start getting cross with them if they hate him from now on. Also, they may tell your other friends, so don't be surprised if everyone's attitude to him changes from now on.

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:20

oh forgot to say I went to my friends but didnt expect what was said tbh so wanted more peoples opinions xx

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SlightlyFoxed · 07/01/2010 16:21

"He kicked me on shins" ... "I bruise easily and so have bad ones."
So - he kicked you more than once, not just a lash out then. He has bruised and hurt you but didn't seem to acknowledge what he had done- "he didn't think he had kicked me he said he had shoved my legs out of the way"

"[he] was shocked. He looked genuine but either way he has never done this before you " He may have "looked" shocked but is he remorseful, sorry, ashamed? Has he said it will never happen again? Are you able to sit down together and talk about how you know you were going on and on but that this cannot justify him using physical violence against you . He could have shouted, walked away, slammed a door... but he kicked you.

Totally understand where you're coming from on saying you're going to stay, but you need to discuss this with him properly and come to a joint understanding about where you go from here so that if it ever happens again he knows the consequences and you know that you have been clear with him and yourself - too easy to keep on saying that you will stay each time it happens otherwise.

yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:23

I told a select few friends so it wont get round to my others hopefully and didnt expect them to love him afterwards like I said we dont go out in couples anyway it is very rare these friends see him I just didnt think they would expect him to do it again or tell me to leave him. They have said they stand by whatever I decide. I called 2 of my closest friends as I thought it was over not just to tell tales so to speak

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yummymummy84 · 07/01/2010 16:27

He kicked me once my legs were together and he caught both of them and yes it was hard and did hurt. He says hes remorseful we have sat down and had a proper chat about that and our relationship in general and have both decided we want to work at it and be together. I have told him that if it happens again I have things in place to be able to leave and he thinks I have spoken to a solicitor about DD which scared him

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FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 07/01/2010 16:27

You have told your friedns, they didn't just accept it so you appear to be saying you posted on here to get people to say it was okay. It is never okay for someone to kick another person. You can't justify it. You are choosing to stay but don't expect people on here to say you are doing the right thing. You didn't behave well either.

Good post EarlyBird.

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