Please help me change!

[shinyblackhair]

Just wondering if anyone is able to point me in the right direction before I loose my DP as well as all my friends.

Basically, without boring you with all the details, I need to change the way I communicate with people.

Over the last couple of years I seem to have found it really difficult to make friends or keep in touch with any old friends. It normaly goes that I suggest meeting up with someone and then they either completly ignore me for a while or say they have a lot on at the moment and will let me know when they're less busy, which of course they never do.

At the same time I've been haveing a few problems with DP. We can have a conversation which to me seems perfectly civil and normal but to him I've been rude, harsh, interrupted him, not listened to him etc.

Basically it's gradually occuring to me that there must be something wrong with the way I am talking to people. Does anyone know of a type of therapy, self help book or anything that can stop me being the way I am?

Thanks for reading!

[FlightAttendant]

How long has this been going on for though Shiny? Do you think it's a problem that's been there for a while and dp has only just thought to point it out to you, or has it been a fairly recent change?

Has anything happened to precipitate it?

How do you feel towards him/your friends?

[FlightAttendant]

By the way I think you are very brave and insightful to post this and hope we can help you sort out what's going on.

[Heqet]

Have you tried taping yourself? Maybe you are not hearing what other people hear? Until you understand exactly what is happening here, how can you change it?

[shinyblackhair]

Thanks Flightattendant.

I think it's been going on for around 2 years now, but it must be getting worse.

I don't think there was any event that has made me change although we've been having some fertility difficulties.

I'm fairly sure I feel the same towards DP and my friends as I ever have. I honestly don't realise that I'm talking in any different way!

[shinyblackhair]

That could work Heget. I just think I'm terrified of what I might hear!

[Heqet]

But unless you hear it, and understand it, you can't sort it out.

You're clearly not a horrible person, or you wouldn't be upset about all this and trying to understand how you can change. So that leaves your communication skills. You can solve that!

[FlightAttendant]

Heqet's idea is a good one.

Have you possibly had some altered hormonal state going on - taking anything to assist conception, etc can change personality a bit.

I think maybe sitting down and analysing exactly what's not right about the way you say things, with DP, or someone else you trust, could be a good start.

Otherwise you're shooting in the dark a bit.
Lots of us lose friends along the way due to changing lifestyles etc.

Is it vaguely possible, and forgive my asking, that your DP is trying to convince you you're not very nice so he feels more in control of you? This isn't unknown. But hopefully it's far less serious than that.

Relate might also help if he is willing to go along and contribute.

[Heqet]

Flight is right, sit down with your husband and get him to be as specific as possible.

Mine has done this for me. I have a very unfortunate manner, and he has to (many times!) tell me that I am behaving inappropriately, or that what I have said is rude. He is always teaching me how to interact with people. After we have been in a social situation we will run through it, so I can do better next time He taught me that saying "I don't care" is rude, even if it's true

You need that, I think, if you have problems like this.

[shinyblackhair]

Thanks both of you.

I don't think DP is trying to control me FlightAttendant, although I do think he can be a little over sensitive at times (although I would think that if I have no idea how what I'm saying is coming across!).

I have tried to ask him to be more specific about exactly what I say is rude etc and have had a little bit of feedback. When I try to change how I talk, or think more before I say anything I just become a jibbering wreck! I end up not being able to talk at all because I'm scared of saying it the wrong way!

I'm glad it's not just me Heqet! How do you feel when you DP talks you through how well you've interacted with people? I'm just not sure, in all honesty, that I would be able to deal with it very well. I'm generally fairly nervous in social situations anyway, which may be part of the problem.

[Heqet]

I used to get very defensive. I am very quick to see criticism but over the years I have learned to see that he is only trying to help me not to repel people . It has been very useful. For example, I just used to talk about myself for ages, or say nothing at all! I didn't have balance. Now I know that to connect with people you give a little and you ask a little. For every question they ask you about yourself or your life or your family or whatever, you ask them 2.

Not as a scary exchange of questions of course but as conversation. I've found that people really respond well to that.