"They say that a good relationship is based on how well a couple communicate" - Discuss

[howlowcanyougo]

I read this somewhere recently and am sort of using it as a yardstick to judge the health of state of my own relationship.

Just wondering if others agree with this statement or that relationships can be healthy if couples aren't forever sitting around discussing their feelings?

[purplepeony]

you've already got this thread going in "How to deal with an emotionally retarded man"!

To my mind, emotionally retarded means the emotions aren't felt- what you mean is they are not expressed. Big difference.

[NewnameSameoldme]

I can't discuss it as DP is incapable of normal communication

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I'd hate to be with someone who was talking about how they feel all the time - it would drive me insane! Surely, unless there is something actually wrong there's no need to go through everything in minute detail?

If your relationship works for you without eternal communication why would reading that comment and/or article concern you? If, however, there is something that you feel is wrong and it's not working by discussing with your partner perhaps you do need to force the issue a bit more?

[monkeysavingexpertdotcom]

Communicating isn't just about "sitting around discussing your feelings", it's about how you work out with each other what matters, what's important, and make sure that what you both think is important is being looked after in your relationship. That may mean not discussing feelings at all if you're both happy with that.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

I think that it's important to be able to communicate that you are a bit peed off about something without it festering and building up.

I also think that couples should remember to communicate good feelings and gratitude to their partners so that a good relationship isn't taken for granted.

I also don't take "communication" to necessarily be about sitting down to specifically discuss the state of the relationship - it's more about spending time together talking - eg not always having dinner in front of the TV, and going out alone sometimes.

[howlowcanyougo]

" it's about how you work out with each other what matters, what's important, and make sure that what you both think is important is being looked after in your relationship."

I think my problem lies with the fact that there may be some sort of mismatch in what matters and what's importnant. I think that the sort of open honest and frank communication where we can discuss things is important, my DH obviously either doesn't, can't, or it simply doesn't occur to him that it's important to me even though I tell him it is.

[WhatNoLunchBreak]

I think the key part of this statement is "how well" a couple communicate. Communication happens all the time ... just that some of it is pretty bad.

Good communication isn't spilling your guts about feelings or talking about every little thing that happens. But I think that it is from the heart, direct but kind, honest, and with the underlying intention of building bridges rather than destroying them.

That, of course, is the ideal. Something to aspire to!

[ItsGraceAgain]

I think good communication in couples is mainly about how you argue. Anyone can be happy while they're in perfect sync - but no two humans can live closely together without disagreements.

If you respect and care for each other, each of you feels free to express yourself. Knowing your partner will listen to you, understand you and care about reaching a conclusion that satisfies you both is what gives you confidence in a relationship. It's also not a bad definition of love.

Getting each other's sense of humour is important, too, I'd say.

[BitOfFun]

You've got to be on the same wavelength, but endless discussion shouldn't be necessary.

[WhatNoLunchBreak]

Oh, yes, ItsGraceAgain - I agree with good arguing and a shared sense of humour. Essential. You've got to be able to fight well ... and laugh well.

[autumnlight]

Communication is vitally important in a successful relationship - in whatever way is most effective between two people. From personal experience, there has been zero communication with my H in a ten year marriage. He has never and will never discuss anything. In fact - he uses stonewalling all the time and was always totally 'emotionally unavailable' (taking into account there are differences between men and women). But mine has been a dysfunctional, abusive marriage with a narcissist. I cannot now even imagine what it would be like to be able to talk to a partner and for them to be reasonably open. But I realise my experience is at the extreme end of no communication whatsoever.

[howlowcanyougo]

Your experiences are interesting autumnlight. My sister is in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship with a man with narcissistic personality disorder and yet her partner witters on endlessly about feelings and love etc. His image of a healthy relationship is one where both parties are one another's "soul mates" who spend every moment of every day together, "share" absolutely everything they're feeling and don't need anyone else or anything outside of the relationship. That's how he justifies the unhealthy co-dependency they have established. He sees the control, manipulation and curtailment of basic freedoms on my sister to do things like work and interact with family and friends, as the epitome of true love.

Heaven forbid that I should use that freak's definition of a "healthy" relationship when assessing my own though! .

[LadyPeterWimsey]

This article seems to imply that individual mental health rather than communication skills is more influential on the state of a relationship.

FYI.