Want to leave p - better now or later?

[christmasdilemma]

I want to tell p that I'm leaving him tonight. Would it be a really horrible thing to do before new year?

I've been struggling this from before xmas and had planned to wait until the new year. There'll always be something though to put it off - weddings, birthdays, committments. Before I know it'll be another year passed of living separate lives under one roof, sleeping in separate beds, no sex, no affection.

I've tried so hard to change things but he doesn't want it to be changed. I've talked until I'm blue in the face how I'm unhappy of how our relationship is heading. I've written letters and basically given him every opportunity to no avail.

Christmas has really taken the biscuit when he left me alone with ds to get pissed xmas eve and boxing day. He was too hungover to get up xmas day to open ds's presents and doesn't think it's a big deal as 'he's only 2 and won't remember'.

So tell me would it be horrible cos I'm just on the brink of packing my bag now??

[GypsyMoth]

no

not horrible....you do whats best for YOU,thats bad what he did over xmas,very.

good luck

[FabHasHadALovelyXmas]

I was with someone once and left him. I took him back to make sure it really was over. It was but I didn't want to ruin his Christmas so I finished it on Boxing Day. It is never a good time so do it now and then 2010 can be all about you and your son.

It will be harder for you then me as you are living together and have a child but you deserve a decent life too.

[SleighBelleDameSansMerci]

Do you have somewhere to go or are you hoping that he will leave? If you have somewhere sorted out then I'd say sort it out now. I don't think he's shown much consideration to you or your feelings over Christmas so he hardly deserves that courtesy from you.

[GypsyMoth]

assume you have somewhere to go?

[christmasdilemma]

Thanks.

I wasn't sure if I was overreacting about the christmas things but I thought it was incredibly selfish of him. For me it's about family not drinking all night and staying in bed most of the day.

but really it was just the final nail in the coffin.

It has been inevitable for a long time.

I'll have to go and stay with my parents for a while. I'm going to have to ring my mum now and explain things. I'm dreading this.

[MaggieMnaSneachta]

Just do it now. it's a very common time to split up. My only regrets about leaving were not leaving sooner.

good luck.

[overmydeadbody]

LEave him, do it now. There is never going to be an optimal time, but the soomer you get out of a relativhip that is making you unhappy the better for you.

[marantha]

I've got to say that unless your partner is abusive to you, I think it's best to stay put until you have a definite place to move out to.
Don't get me wrong, if he is violent it's best to go asap but if not, what's the harm in staying put?

If you didn't have a child, I think you could do what you want and go now, but otherwise, can't you wait until you've definitely found a place to live?

[ILoveGregoryHouse]

Go. Use the new year as a celebration for yourself, not to dread what you're about to do. It's never a good time for the "leavee" but you've got yourself and DS to think abolut first and foremost so do what is best for you.

Good luck.

[christmasdilemma]

Marantha I suppose I'm frightened that if I stay put I'll lose my nerve, we'll agree to 'give it another go' (again) and things will be exactly the same come next year.

[MadameCastafiore]

Marantha - he is abusive to her in the way of not listening to her or taking part in family activities or treating her how a partner should be treated, not showing any love or affection and abusing alcohol.

Just because he isn't sneering in her face or slapping her about doesn't mean this isn't affecting her or her child profoundly.

Go Dilemma - go and build a new life for yourself and for your child and of course allow DP time with DC when he can act like a reasonable human being who is willing to show a child love and affection and share in special times like true good parents are supposed to.

[marantha]

christmasdilemma I know where you're coming from, but unless you are in danger from this guy, I do advise staying put for now.

He sounds selfish, yes- but not violent.

If you are worried about losing your nerve, then actively make plans to leave and stick to them.

Sit down, make a list of the things you have to do to leave him and logically work through them- obviously keep list hidden from partner's view.

That way, you can see whether or not you are achieving the things you have to do.

Don't do anything rash, though. You will effectively be making yourself homeless-and unless partner is a threat to you- I don't think it's worth that -not without a lot of thought and attention to detail anyway.

[marantha]

MadameCastafiore I'm sorry but although he DOES sound like a selfish git, he doesn't fit my definition of what abusive is- we're just going to have to disagree.

[havoc]

Just to repeat what everyone has said. If you're sure you want to leave - do it now. This New Year's eve will be difficult whatever you do, but at least you have regained control over your life. And you can look forward to a fresh start.

[christmasdilemma]

I won't be hanging around Marantha. I couldn't tell him I was leaving and then stay until I found somewhere. Or not tell him and feel heartless as I put on an act and squirrel money away for somewhere. I need to be true to myself, I've spent far too long pretending.

I wouldn't be homeless. My mum has never liked him (one of the reasons I never talk to her about our problems) and I think she'd probably be glad to see me out. I'm basically homeless now for even though p and I have lived together 8 or so years, he constantly reminds me that it's 'his' house.

Cheers. I really have to go now as I can hear ds starting to stir but my head feels a lot clearer now.

[GypsyMoth]

many men DO become abusive once the woman gets the ball rolling and hr can visably see she means it this time....i have harrowing memories of my own ex upping his abuse (yes,violence) once he saw i was determined to go....he realised his cosy little world would soon be turned upside down.

marantha....you have suffered at the hands of a man who doesnt CARE have you??

[marantha]

christmasdilemma It may be his house, but the courts can make all sorts of orders these days and if you have a child together, they can order that the child and its main carer (yourself?) get to stay there until your child is of a reasonable age.

IloveTIFFANY I agree with you, but many people DO manage to keep a civil front EVEN if they know they are parting.

I've been in relationships where the man hasn't cared much for me and he has been selfish, yes. But, thankfully, not what I would call abusive.

OP, it sounds like you've already made up your mind, I don't think there's much point trying to persuade you of the CONS of leaving right now, is there?

[Forthebest]

wow well done for making the decision and sticking to it.
I agree though, if your going to leave then leave, I have had so many " im going to leave in the morning/on monday/next week " conversations and nothing happens. The nerve always goes and you end up settling down and " trying again ".

If your brave enough and you really believe its for the best, then do it !!!

[Plumm]

As you say, there will always be an event to stay for. Leave now and then you've got the whole of 2010 to yourself and your DS.

[GypsyMoth]

maranths....the op hasnt described a civil man....she described an ignorant one!

[marantha]

ILoveTIFFANY Yes, he does sound ignorant- he sounds like the sort of guy who when OP told him of her plans to leave he'd shrug his shoulders and say "fine", I don't think he'd be abusive, though, and it's wrong to consider every unsavoury male behaviour as "abusive".

I have seen women beaten black and blue by their husbands, they have been raped by them and in fear of their lives and whatever this guy is, to judge by the OP's posts he ain't abusive and to say that he is abusive is disrespectful to those women who really HAVE been abused.

[STIDW]

Have you considered the practicalities? Do you intend to leave tonight? In the grand scale of things whether you tell your partner this week or next isn't going to make a difference other than getting through the long weekend in each others company.

On the point about the younger children are the better they adapt, that isn't actually supported by research. See the blog post about the Timing of Family Instability by Jay Belsky, Director of the Institute for the Study of Children, Families and Social Issues and Professor of Psychology at Birkbeck University of London.

However, other research indicates living in a family when the parents do not get on is even worse for children.

[sb6699]

On a purely practical side, if you cant afford to set up another home for yourself and DS, then I would stay put and make HIM leave. This is the advice any solicitor would give you.

Alot of Solicitors give a free initial consultation if you want find out about your rights to the home etc. Not sure if you would get to see one before the New Year though.

However, if things are so bad that you feel you just wait around any longer, then leave. New year, new start and all that.

The way he's treating you atm, his feelings about the timing wouldnt be coming into it if I was in your shoes.

Hope 2010 is better for you regardless of what you decide to do.