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Relationships
The state of the union
Resignedtotheinevitable · 27/12/2009 02:40
DH is good man, who means the very best for me and the DCs but his way is the only way. Amy other way undermines his whole sense of self and wellbeing.
We've been married for about 20 years and have 3 DCs (9, 11 and 13). We can't talk without him ranting for what seems like hours about my values being twisted. We haven't had sex for over 5 years and I sleep in the spare room. I can't bear sex without affection. He doesn't do cuddles or kisses or kindness. We've been to Relate twice. The first time was telephone counselling and the second time was couples counselling. It didn't help much.
I'm so weary of trying to hold the whole family edifice together when the foundations aren't sound.
We do have similarities. We're both honest and mean well. We both work hard and want the best for our children.
The differences are profound. I'm a great believer in politeness and civility and basic kindness. DH believes in unflinching honesty and directness and his right to be heard. I don't get heard much, if at all.
You need some examples. I spent the evening of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas morning cooking and cleaning. Hours and hours and hours of it. It took me around 8 hours of preparation, with starters and puddings and lots of vegetables to peel and chop. We had the DCs and six people from his side of the family so it was a large group to cater for.
Today, he tells me that I cooked far too much food. It was wasteful. He tells me that the service wasn't right because I should have put two sets of everything out. It's a long table so people shouldn't have to reach over for things. He tells me that the turkey was overcooked. I don't think it was overcooked, turkey is quite dry relative to chicken. My biggest offence was the waste, which was profligate and symptomatic of how my values are entirely warped.
Another example is maternity leave, which is long ago now but something I've never been able to forget. He thinks that both partners should contribute equally financially. In fact he said we had to be financially divorced, when he paid a joint credit card bill off in 1995. Normally I do earn my fair share. More than my fair share, actually. However my employers only allowed three months of paid maternity leave, so he insisted I went back after four months. We had enough savings for me to have a much longer time off with each DC, but he viewed that as me having a holiday.
He is ten years older than I am. He regrets having married and having children. He clashes violently (and I mean violently) with DD1. This is because he is so ridiculous about discipline. He'll shout and rant and rave when she's done something wrong, and try to confiscate her laptop. She refuses and shouts back. They have a tussle. She wins, then he comes back down minus the laptop. What is she learning through this? That bad behaviour goes unpunished if you shout and push and shove? He has suggested that we put DD1 into care because she is "vile". She isn't, she's headstrong and naughty and rebellious but that's what teenagers are. Nevertheless she is sweethearted and makes straight 'A's at school.
It's so over, isn't it?
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