Mumsnet Talk

Namechanging regular. Typing on phone so apologies for typos.

Dh and I have been together for just over 11 years. Married 9. 2 children, plus 2 stepchildren on dh's side.

For the last 6 years now, I have been unhappy. Lots of littlethings, a couple of not so
little things. Plenty of fault on my side too as i'm not the easiest person to
live with.

So, not long after dc1 was born, dh & I had a rocky year. I found myself
very unhappy, lots of stress around, and very nearly left. But I stayed to give it another go. And since then, ther's just been one thing after another really.

Illness on both sides, incredible stress with dh's ex over access to his dc, another child for us (I get very I'll duri g pregnancy), an ectopic pregnancy, our dc being disabled. You name it, we've had it in the last few years.

And it has all left me hanging on, not leaving yet, and waiting for things to improve. But they don't. notreally.

We are from different backgrounds, and that seems to get in the way a bit, like customs for Christmas etc (which is what set me off wondering again to ight), but mostly it is just that we don't really seem to get on anymore.

No sex (this is my problem, dh still would)
we both take things the wrong way a lot too much
we don't seem to agree on what way to handle things with dc1's disability
we certainly don't agree on how to handle things with
my stepchildren (grown up now)
we are chaotic and disorganised and end up sniping at each other too much

it just seems too hard to just relax and enjoy ourslevrs

we have had a really shitty day, with overhyped little children and grumpy grown up children, and have managed to do nome of the stuff that makes Christmas Christmas for me.

Dc2 doesn't evenreally know a out the whole fathr Christmas thing - had to hastily inform them before bed. Dc2 will be 3 shortly after Christmas.

I really don't k ow what to do. But found
myself thinking once again "I'll give it 6 months, and if it hasn't improved theni'll go."

and then I realised I say that to myself every year.

And so now I'm wondering exactly how much of my
life I'm going
to waste thinking that...

How would you feel if your H said to you that he wanted to leave?

Tbh, sad but a little relieved too, I think.

I just don't know if I can carry on being unhappy and feeling so alone all the time.

I mean, I really do feel
as though I might as well do it on my own, rather than all of us feelig so unhappy.

Then there is your answer. You have to tell him that you want to finish this marriage.

I don't know that o have the strength to.

We have talked abot it, and dh is adamant that we can get through this. I am not so sure, obviously.

It is taking more strength to live in an unhappy relationship than it would to leave.

How does your H think you can get through this? Is he trying? Does he have ideas?

The early years are the hardest so everyone says and I think they might be right. It sounds like you've had it harder than most too.

This time of year just heightens the tensions and feelings of being a bit stuck in the house. Then Jan and Feb are looming, weather's rubbish, no school yet for DC2 - although will he/she start preschool soon?

I don't know what to suggest - get organised to start off with I guess. Clear out all the crap, literally, make some space. Get to the tip over the holidays. Decide what it is you want - a night out a week for example - and make it happen.

Don't make a big decision until the kids are at school and you can see some light. If there's something you always do that is making you unhappy, give notice and stop doing it. Put up a note. From Friday I will no longer x, please make your own arrangements. That kind of thing.

Make a change, even a small one, it might set a chain of events in motion.

Cant advise but just wanted you to know you are not the only one sat here tonight feeling the same.

Have you ever actually been to relate to see if you can change the dynamic of the relationship?

pelvicfloor. I hope you feel a little brighter soon.

thank you everyone for replying. do you know, i really think this talk forum thing might catch on one day - nice to just let it all out.

lenin - I've been going along on the don't make a big decsion until things are more settled for a while now, but it does just all seem to bubble on. we are not any more settled (having loads of hassle getting dc1 into school due to disability) and don't know when we will be. and 6 years is a long time to be waiting to see whther things will get better.

we are trying to clear out the crap. again, bloody SN doesn't make that any easier.

But we have had a nice evening tonight, eventually. Some lovely presents - dh has really thought hard about his, and I have been very touched to get some of them.

Fab - dh thinks if we hold on long enough, all will be ok. And I can see his reasoning. we are havin a particularly crappy time right now. but whenever the crap eases up for a bit, I am left feeling numb and hollow. it's like I don't know how to relax with him any more. if we aren't battling or raging against something, there doesn't seem to be any emotion left.

He is, on the whole, a good husband and father (probably a better husband than I am a wife, tbh), but I don't know whether we will ultimately get through this.

I am tired of having battles to fight (with the rest of the world, not necessarily with dh), and finding the strength to resolve this rather than walking away seems impossible.

lenin - we did start going out again. it was one of the things that had slipped with young children etc. but then sleep issues started with dc1, and we are stuck back in staying in in the evenings. one of us has to be near dc1's bed while they fall asleep. we are working on changing that, but it is a slow road. and ot have lost something so newly re-gained (the going uot) has hit is hard. I try very hard not to resent dc1 for it, as they are not doing it deliberatley, but when you can see your marriage disappearing over the horizon, it is quite hard not to.

and then that just brings me back to: if i just got it all over with now, and then got on with life - surely that is easier in the long run? rahter than coping with daily bitterness and upset?

sleighgirl - we haven't been to relate. we did talk about going last year, and initially dh didn't think we needed to. he now agrees it is worth a try, but we cannot go as have no-one to look after dc. no family nearby at all, recently moved so no friends, and dc1's SN make it virtually impossible to get a babysitter.

can the grown up stepchildren not help with babysitting? becoming a single parent will magnify the problems you already have with regards the sn children. you'll be on your own alot more then

however,if you're unhappy,then life really is too short,just a case of weighing it all up

any love left?

think i'd give relate a go before walking away

Sounds as if the battles aren't with him, but with the every day life garbage. would being out of the relationship help?

Reading your posts, you sound very unhappy. Not necessarily with your husband/relationship but unhappy with your life/luck. You have been having what sounds like a hard time, cut yourself some slack and think 'no wonder I'm mad at the world'. Sometimes (and I think in the absence of other support especially) it is easier to take your frustration with the status quo on someone rather than a really crappy set of circumstances coming together. I hope that doesn't sound too trite.

I really hope that you have a much better 2010 whatever you decide to do.

Sounds like you are both looking at the problems from your own point of view and not seeing each others problems.

Would be tempted to give counselling a go before throwing the towel in

I think people are often quick to raise depression but you do sound truly down. Is it worth going to the GP? A short course of ADs might help.

I can't see this being any better on your own but it sounds like you're starting to feel a bit bad about the effort your DH is putting in and that probably just feels like another weight at the moment.

Do whatever it takes to get some practical help, whatever it costs, it's cheaper than divorce.

I really hope things pick up for you, you must be drained and exhausted.

I think you need a break, somehow, anyhow. If you can't go out together at least go out alone regularly. (Pot, kettle on that score having only just started going out post-DS1 and now have DS2 so stopped again.) It must have hit hard losing that just as you got it back.

I don't know what else to suggest, just small steps I think. An hour here, an afternoon there, go to town, anything for a break.

I agree with ilovemydog - your problems aren't embedded in your relationship. They are due to outside stresses and pressure. Those stresses would still exist if you separated.

You've described him as a good husband and father. I think there is something worth fighting for here. You need to do something about it though, rather than just wait for things to improve.

I hope you have a better Christmas day than Christmas eve.

You mention no family nearby or friends, having recently moved. This situation makes relationship things much harder than they need to be for DP and i too, being cooped up and getting on one another's nerves. We are all stuck in our little pods!

But DC only needs one of you to be there while they sleep. Go out on your own sometimes - dancing classes for example can be very social. Perhaps you can find other MN-ers nearby to meet up with?

But small steps to help figure out what is underlyingly wrong seems to make sense; and if you do make a break it doesn't have to be final - if you can afford to, sublet a flat very close by for a few months.

Good luck and deep breath and i hope you all find some enjoyment in Christmas Day.

Do you still love him? Does he still love you?

Is it outside, external things causing the problems?

Dh and I recently had problems, all caused by me, but we both still loved each other and really wanted to be together. Some how we sorted out some problems and now we are doing great.

I hope next year is better for you whether with your H or apart.

I'm so sorry, you sound so sad. I feel the same today I remember how miserable Xmas day was last year too. I have expectations that it will be a good day, he is ALWAYS a total twat.
Have told him next year, it's his day, ALL present buying, all shopping all cooking. Then all the stuff he pisses and moans about are HIS fault.
I am so f'd up as my parents split when I was 9, I can't inflict that misery on dd.
I second the others though, take some YOU time, get the dss's to help out, just get out sometimes.
I do and it keeps me sane

I hope your day went all right - I 've been thinking of you and this thread.

The trite advice I offered is the same I offer myself but then ignore - to try to get out and meet people and establish a life outside of our little pod.

I am tempted to start venting but don't see a "no love left?" topic on Talk ;)

I am mainly a huge lurker (on SN board) but couldn't not reply to this.

I haven't got the answers but I can tell you of some of the similarities in my circumstances. I am a SAHM and have 2 DC. My DD, 4, has ASD (not the mild end) and my DS is 1. My DD was just formally diagnosed this year and I can't really describe what an implosion it's been in our family. Everything is the same except absolutely everything is different.

This has absolutely battered us as a couple. I have brought up us splitting up more than once (really calmly, saying it would be good for both of us and at least if we had shared access we'd get a break when the children were with the other parent) though my DH is always sure that isn't what he wants. It's really difficult to describe, but it's not a question of whether I love him or not it's just that love isn't always enough. I am putting in all this time and energy to help my DD. And I have this constant backdrop of anger, frustration and most of all, pain. Maintaining a relationship at times seems utterly superfluous.

I totally get what you mean by 'whenever the crap eases up I am left feeling numb and hollow'. I too feel this, for me I think it's from operating on a high adrenalin fight/flight mode for a lot of the week, with battles with different agencies and basically a constant feeling that I am not doing enough for my child. And my DH does not always do/say what I need him to (and why would he? No-one is perfect) and yet part of me hates him for it now and I get angry and think 'My life is too hard, I'm going to simplify it and cut him out of the equation so he can't disappoint me anymore'. We do still have a sex life and I do think it makes a big difference. But it's something we need to keep working on.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I have similar thoughts to you (and have not had the additional pressures you have had to face). There's not a week goes by when I don't mutter darkly to myself about divorce. And yet by anyone's standards my DH is a really good husband and father. But this SN issue looms so large in our relationship. Our DD's disability is not supposed the thing that defines our relationship. But at the moment it does.

I know no relationship exists in a vacuum but I think there's something uniquely difficult about this situation. I hope my DH and I will stay the course. There's a lot of things we need to work on that we wouldn't have to had our DD not had difficulties.

I hope this rather long and rambling reply is of some help in letting you know you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks everyone.

So that's Christmas over for another year, and I really don't know what to do.

Do I still love him? Probably. A lot of our relationship[ was based on personalities - we just clicked together, form sense of humour to outlook onlife etc. Now that we have a life full of stress, most of the sense of humour has gone (on both sides) as we are both irritable a lot of the time. And so it is hard to see what is left.

I find it very hard to realte to him physically - I have never been one for jumping inot bed with anyone, and now that I feel we are like strangers, it is very hard for me to get close to him physically. But then I feel silly that I feel that way, as I have known him for 11 years now. And feeling like an idiot doesn't do wonders for tryign to get to know someone again, iyswim?

ovenchips, you have absolutely hit the nail on the head there. if we split up then yes, I owuld have to do a lot more for the dc when I have them as I owuld be on my own (although, tbh, dh works very long hours, so not that much would change) but I would at least get a break. which I don't really do now.

dh is quite old fashioned in many ways. he works, i stay at home (what we both want)

what he doesn't see is that he cuold help out a lot more at home. he is out form 6.30am until 7.30pm every day. he is only back by 7.30 now becasue of sleep issues with dc1. beofre that, he wouldn't be home until 9pm or even later. this is part of what led to em feeling like I don't even know him anymore - we don't really spend any time togehter. so, when he gets back, he doesn't think to do any tidying, or help make dinner, etc. fine, up to a point. beofre children, I was still at hoem and not working (we lived abroad, and I couldn't get a work permit), and so this was really my "job". but now a lot has changed. I am running around after 2 young children all day, which is hard enough, but when one of them is disabled too (ASD as well, ovenchips) then it really does get tough. I cannot do enough clearing up in the day, and I cannot get any housework done. it is just impossible. so we live in a tip, and dh does nothing to help that.

I do understand that he works long hours, but he doesn't help himself either. eg, dc2 has just started early waking (well, early for us, as we have been blessed with good sleepers!) so form 6am every morning, we are being woken. dh won't get up at that time (at weekends or holidays) because he "needs his sleep". but he is NEVER in bed before midnight, at the earliest.

if I go to bed early (10pm ish) then we spend no time togehter at all (dc1 settled by 9pm ish usually). if I stay up with im then I am itred the next day, as it is me getting up with the children (or facing the chaos if I don't. if i stay in bed, then so does he, and when we finally get up at 8.30 or so, then it is up to me to get the dc up, dresssed, sort out the mess in their rooms, clear up the bathroom, etc).

we have been talking about how to get dc2 to stay in bed a little longer. he is aiming for pre-children lie-ins, which are, quite frankly unrealistic. thngs like this irritate me unbelievably. our lives are hard enough right now - adding extra chaos and mess just seems stupipd to me. but he is totally inflexible on the issue of gettign up at a child-related time (ie 7-7.30 am), so it is always down to me, and I never get a day off.

oh yes, and the getting out on my own thing.

well, i have ben doing that more recently, and I am not sure it is helping.

I go out, have a good time, am re-building old freindships that have fallen a bit by the wayside due to children, disbalility issues (none of my friends even have children yet, so our lives are VERY different)

but then I start looking at things the wrong way - I have a great time with my friends, and by contrast i don't with dh. I can relax with my friends, and can't with dh. they understand and know me in a different way, in a way that dh doesn't seem to anymore.

even when dh and I do have a nice evening together (whether out or at home), it is more a feelig of relief that everyhting has gone well and we didn't fight, than actual enjoyment of an evening, iyswim?

there is quite an age gap between me and dh - 16 years. and so i spend time with my friends, and I find myself seeing a whole other world I am missing out on - the one I used to live in.

And so I am not sure that me going out on my own is helping anyhting, tbh.

As I’ve said, my relationship with DH has come under fire. It is very hard for him but he does now ‘get’ that things have changed. He has changed his working practices/hours and really stepped up with housework, as, like you, I simply cannot get this under control. Our house is still an utter hole (DD wrecks place basically) and I really do not cope with this. Yes, it’s ‘just’ housework as everyone around me says, but when most other things in your life are most definitely not under your control, it can sort of break you.

My life and priorities have changed enormously, have had to, no choice in it. It sounds like yours have too. What about your DH? I do think having a DC with SN ups the ante to another level again and if your DH hasn’t even upped his game to what’s required with young children in general (and he hasn’t with, for example, going to bed late and insisting on lie-ins) then well, this behaviour is failing you.

From reading about your circumstances I honestly think that your daily life sounds too hard going. There is too much grind. I am struggling SO much with, in some ways, less to deal with. I don’t think in these circumstances it is actually possible to have a decent relationship. Your DH wants you to see it through but this requires more than will. I don’t really have the time to ponder my DH’s good intentions – I want to see him make a difference. So some of the burden needs to be lifted from your shoulders to give you energy and motivation to even think about improving your relationship, otherwise I do think it’s too big an ask to do that on top of everything else.

Is there any way to restart your sex life? I do think it can be a starting point to improving a poor relationship, rather than an end result of a good one. It’s probably crass to suggest but could you have a few drinks and just do it? Get the ‘first time’ nerves over and done with and see how you feel?

As for the going out, we are in a similar situation, one of us needs to be in until DD is safely asleep, which can be several hours after she is put to bed. So evenings out are not that do-able. I can see that going out individually in the evening is good for you, but agree it isn’t necessarily any help for you as a couple. We’ve just started using a childminder one weekend afternoon per month and both DC go. It’s specifically ‘couple’ time for us. I’m really hoping it’s going to help. I am not ruling out some sort of marriage counselling either. Maybe this is what would make your DH realise how much of the physical and mental burden of looking your family currently rests on your shoulders.