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Relationships

Should I contact ex-p new wife to tell her about 'illegal images'

70 replies

leftontheelf · 14/12/2009 21:40

Have name changed. Been wanting to post this for a long time but too painful. A few reasons it has come to a head.

I will try to be concise.

I split up from my (very respectable) ex boyfriend about 10 years ago after discovering some under age images on our computer. He had been searching under 'lolita' etc.

The images and searches were amongst a whole range of other (adult) nasty stuff. All beyond the realms of normal i think.

He tried to deny all of this at the time - a whole range of pathetic excuses - but eventually admitted he had 'progressed' to these images after looking at other stuff.

I was left totally devastated and confused. If he had had 100's of very dodgy images then I could have classified him as a paedophile, but it seemed to be a bit of this and a bit of that in amongst lots of other grimness.

I did contact the police a while afterwards - prompted by a friend. They said they would record my comments in case anything ever came to light - obviously couldn't act on my info.

Anyway, to cut a long story short. I have recently found out that he is living in my area, got married last year , and he is now stepfather to two female twins, aged about 5.

I have his wife's phone number (another long story). They are both on facebook. Am absolutely torn on whether to attempt to contact her... destroy a marriage even?

Please don't attack me. As i write this I can imagine what I would say to someone else. I now have a young child and know that I would 'want to know'. I think this is why it has come to a head, I suddently feel very raw about this years afterwards.

However, I have mentioned it to a couple of friends who think contacting her pointless.

She may have been briefed (mad ex, maybe that i busted him over regular porn, god knows what story he has told her; he has had other girlfriends since me) as surely he lives in fear of this ever coming to light. Would she even believe it/me.

Also, and this distinction isnt an easy one i know; I have no real evidence that he is a threat to her children (albeit that he is totally complicit in the abuse of those he witnessed online), and maybe, in light of the 'portfolio' of other stuff he had, may well have been a morbid curiosity (as he claimed).

Oh God, am so sorry this is long. 10 years on and this is still haunting me.

Am just wanting to test out whether contacting her is the right thing to do, or the crazy thing.

And, by God, if someone contacted me about my current partner, am not sure what they could do to convince me he had done such a thing... so why on earth would she believe anything I sad?

Opinions very welcome.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2009 21:45

stay out of it, seriously

as the messenger, you will be shot to high heaven!

you have no proof of wrongdoing

tbh, and this will sound harsh, this is your penance for not doing something concrete about this 10 years ago when you had the means and the proof

right now, you are completely powerless and will be seen as a nutter

I am sorry your peace of mind is wrecked, but there is nothing you can do

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RealityIsHungover · 14/12/2009 21:46

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RealityIsHungover · 14/12/2009 21:47

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OfficiallyMe · 14/12/2009 21:51

i would tell her, who cares if she shoots the messenger

the mum will know what she is dealing with and be able to protect the children

even is she deos nothing you will know you have done all you can now

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leftontheelf · 14/12/2009 21:56

We split up the day I found the stuff. He, and the computer, moved out. I was devastated and paralysed for a while. I was very internet unsavvy at the time - this is a while ago, actually nearer to 12 years. I simply could not believe it at some level too at first.

I contacted police afterwards; they told me that they could not do anything on 'word of mouth'. Maybe they hear this a lot (maliciously?). They took all my details and his ( i didnt know where he was at the time). Said that they would keep complaint on record for any future cross checking etc.

I a little baffled by the penance comment, probably valid somehow. I did contact the police, albeit not in the first few days, for reasons above.

This has actually affected me, my relationships, my whole view of the world in my 30s and now into my 40s.

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Tizzyjacko · 14/12/2009 21:58

Impossible dilemma. damned if you do, damned if you don't.

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RealityIsHungover · 14/12/2009 21:59

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SleighGirl · 14/12/2009 22:01

Could you ring the NSPCC and get some advice from them?

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addictedtolatte · 14/12/2009 22:11

i'd tell the wife. she may disbelieve you at first but she will start trying to find things out eventually. she has children she deserves to know these things. its then down to her what she does with the information.

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edam · 14/12/2009 22:16

I think Sleighgirl's suggestion about contacting the NSPCC is probably right. You need a steer from an organisation that knows about this stuff.

Reality, it was 10 to 12 years ago, I imagine police procedures have changed quite a lot over that time. CEOPS didn't exist back then, for instance.

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LittlePenguin · 14/12/2009 22:20

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RealityIsHungover · 14/12/2009 22:21

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BooHooo · 14/12/2009 22:25

Gosh I would really want to know if it were my partner.

Stepfather to 5 yo twins

I think you should do something too.

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LittleMontyontheDustyRoad · 14/12/2009 22:28

Whatever you do, do something.

Some voluntary organisation, local police unit, just do something.

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Rindercella · 14/12/2009 22:34

If you don't do something I don't think you will ever find peace tbh. As Sleighgirl suggested, speak to the NSPCC and ask their advice.

What a horrible dilemma for you.

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Curiousmama · 14/12/2009 22:40

Agree do something. I'm worried about those twins.

It isn't your penance you did try. Hopefully it'll still be on record that you professed concern to the police?

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2009 22:42

at the risk of upsetting the OP further (and I know I have with my harsh comment earlier), I have to come back to this thread

IMO, the OP has no "right" to find peace about something that happened 12 years ago

the time to do that is past, I'm afraid (and I am in no way trying to reduce what he did in any way, it was awful)

but she has no proof whatsover of recent wrongdoing and will potentially wreck lives so she can find closure

I will get roasted for this...but it seems selfish to me

it will not help in any way to contact this woman, it will paint the OP as a vindictive woman and if I was the new wife, I would be questioning why, if it was true, it wasn't taken further at the time

OP, you will not be taken seriously, I am sorry but you will not find peace this way

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leftontheelf · 14/12/2009 22:43

Thanks I will talk to social services or police locally; seems so extreme going straight to the wife.

See what they say.

Thanks for recognising my dilemma, its not easy, am not sure whether i think he is dangerous or not. So confusing.

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StirlingInDaGrotto · 14/12/2009 22:47

I would do something, even if it was anonymous. Just let her know the facts. It is then up to the mother of the children to decide what action to take.

I really dont understand this "dont say anything, you will look like a loon" talk. You could save two 5 yr olds from living a life of hell. Surely that is enough.

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leftontheelf · 14/12/2009 22:49

This is not about me finding closure Anyfucker, its about me potentially protecting two children that I have only recently found out he is now a stepfather to.

That is why this has come to a head... the fact I have had a child, and then a few months later I find he suddenly has two girls. If it isnt too awful to state, most of the pictures I uncovered were of two girls together. Pre pubescent girls, not babies/toddlers.

Just too worrying really.

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jeni7 · 14/12/2009 22:51

God what an awful situation for you. Ultimately though I think that children should be protected no matter what the consequences. You may not have proof that he definately is dangerous, but you suspect he could be. And the mother of those little girls deserves to know that. How she responds is up to her, but you will have done what you can to protect those twins.

I can hear that you're finding this really difficult, and you have my sympathy, but I don't think there's any dilemma here. I think you really must do something.

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Plumm · 14/12/2009 22:53

Do something - police or NSPCC. As a mother I would definitely want to know.

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Rindercella · 14/12/2009 22:55

When I said 'find peace' I meant for now, not 12 years ago. By doing nothing, leftontheelf will never know whether or not those two little girls are in any danger. If, by taking the advice of a professional body ,she somehow alerts the girls' mother to a potential danger then she will know that she has done everything she can personally do to keep them safe.

The man may not be any danger at all. Then again he may be a real risk. I personally could not have this knowledge and do nothing. It is nothing to do with being vindictive, it is everything to do with being as responsible and caring as I can be.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2009 22:57

leftontheelf

did you not think that he may go on to have other relationships after you, with the potential that there would be children somewhere in the mix ?

I don't understand...why now, why 12 yrs later, why this relationship ?

I can see what you are saying about 2 girls. But 2 girls in a family is hardly out of the ordinary, is it ?

I am not condoning what he did but it was 12 yrs ago. He could be a raving paedophile, he could be a reformed character. You don't know...if you had heard any whispers/rumours etc I would say go for it.

But seriously, has he been living in a vacuum for the last 12 yrs? Do you know his history between then and now?

I am going to step away now love, because It seems like I am having a go at you and I'm not. I feel sorry for you at the memories this has dredged up. But this man could be completely innocent and I am trying to see the other side.

Tbh, if you do make any allegations at all, you will have to answer some much tougher questions than these.

Good luck with what you decide.

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christmaseve · 14/12/2009 22:59

Awful dilemma for you. Get some annon advice from an organisation before you act. Also no proof so very difficult to prove.

However, people are being procecuted for things that happened 30 years ago but this is different in those cases it was actual abuse and he was guilty of making images so not the same I guess.

By contacting someone annonymous it might help you put your mind at rest that he possibly isn't a danger to his step children and he may not be.

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