What Shoud I Do? (sorry long)

[justwishing]

I was bereaved last year and alone until I met a lovely man in the summer who is also widowed with children. We became good friends over several months and became more than that around 3 months ago. We have had a good relationship and not had arguments or disagreed about anything, we have struggled to spend enough time together and at times this has made me very unhappy, I often cry after he has left me or I leave his house to come home. I had given up talking about this problem as due to our family and work commitments it seemed impossible to improve things and when we discussed it we had both been distressed.

This week has been particularly hard and we managed to see each other for only about an hour and a half one afternoon, an opportunity has come up to spend two nights away with him next summer and he refused to commit to more than one, even though 3 of our children would have come with us solving his childcare issues We have both longed for the chance to spend a whole night together, or so I thought. He said he couldn't be sure what the children's commitments would be so far ahead. He had even suggested we shared a room, which was a massive step for us as we haven't let the children know about that side of our relationship, although they know that we are "dating" or whatever you call it when you are in your 40's and all seem happy with that. I felt so hurt and there was as usual no time to talk.

I sent him an email which I tried to keep calm and unemotional as there was really no other way to communicate this week. He took it as "formal" and sent me a snippy reply which completely missed the point of what I had said. When I finally saw him today we still couldn't talk as we were out with other friends, he told me that for him the email "had taken the shine off" our relationship and although we had a hug and he said he didn't want to hurt me, he said he needed time to think about our relationship.

We have agreed to speak tomorrow on the phone. I have doubts as to whether he is trying to back off and scared of committing in any case. Although he is further on from his bereavement I have doubts about whether he is ready for a new relationship. I have deep feelings for him which he knows and I am so afraid that if he breaks my heart then I will be utterly unable to function for myself and the children, I have just about got myself back on an even keel after my bereavement. Where do I go from here?

[Bigbadmummy]

How can you have a relationship with somebody you never see or get to spend any quality time with?

You have make time to spend time together before you can commit to doing anything else.

You couuld spend this Friday night all together with all your kids having a massive sleepover if you really wanted to.

[justwishing]

It has been particularly bad the last two weeks, and the issue around a sleepover is that I have older children who are only allowed boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over if they are in the spare room. I feel it is too soon and the wrong example to set them. By next summer we will have been dating for over a year and the older children would not be with us. We do see each other more than that normally.

[zookeeper]

I think he doesn't sound keen at all. If he's not able to commit to two nights with you in six months' time then that's pretty bad. As single parents we all know that our children come first but it sounds as though he is unable or unwilling to even try to accommodate your needs let alone those of your dcs

[hetherine]

So sorry to hear about your bereavement, but I think this could be a classic case of 'on the rebound'. I can understand that you're lonely but sometimes although it is not a conscious thing it can come across as 'needy'. are there social groups in your area that you can join for some well deserved fun/relaxation/interest. or even a church (not for religious purposes) but for a sense of community and support. I think that you need something to take you out of yourself a new interest etc may be just the thing for you atm.

[justwishing]

I am very involved in my church, and busy with lots of social commitments. I certainly don't think I come across as needy, and I wasn't really looking for a relationship when I met him. Most of my friends say that they feel exhausted at the thought of my social life, so I don't think taking any more activities is the answer.

[justwishing]

zookeeper that is just how it made me feel, but he didn't take that on board, and felt that I was saying he had to change his life for me

[hetherine]

well in that case i suggest instead why don't you back off a little coz if he really does have feelings for you then he'll come running. can any family or friends do a bit baby sitting or just have them for a night ? where theres a will theres a way keep that in mind and if he proves not to be as keen as you then at least its happened sooner rather than later. Buck up lovey you have come through an awful lot and have coped brilliantly,

[SqueezinAroundTheXmasTree]

I generally think if he feels the same as you, he should be champing at the bit to see you and spend time with you. He'd find a way come hell or high water.

You sound very vulnerable. Does he know how deeply you feel for him?

I don't usually make excuses for people but in the case of bereavement, maybe he is scared to give more than he is at the moment? Maybe he feels guilt about his children or in some way that he is betraying the legacy of his wife?

You have to protect yourself though and people should give as much as you do, it is only fair and right. You sound like a lovely person and deserve someone who is going to reciprocate your feelings or at the very least, explain to you what is going on in his head.

[justwishing]

Thank you for your kind words. The lack of babysitters on his part is one of the major issues in spending more time together. I think he is scared, he had another relationship after his wife died that ended badly, she finished with him and he had hoped they would have a future together. He does know how I feel, but didn't feel ready to say the same, and that was OK at the time before all this other stuff.

[hetherine]

justwishing, I don't think that what is going on with him is necessarily to do with you.There's evidently stuff going on for him that only he can sort out. I know that you care for him deeply and sometimes the harder we try to hold on to somebody the further away they get. So if it comes to the fact that he is being less commital than you'd like,then end it with love and tell him that you're letting him go precisely because you love him and that you can tell that he's just not quite ready to be with you right now. if its done with love and grace rather than bitterness and tears then who knows what the future holds.
just because its not the right time now doesn't mean that there'll never be right time for you both to be together.

[justwishing]

I am feeling so nervous about calling him,and can't help feeling that we should do this face to face. It is just so hard, this week is nearly as bad as last week in terms of commitments and I can't see any way that we can meet up before Saturday, and I think we need some sort of agreement on where we go from here. I am feeling wretched today and can't seem to settle to do anything useful. A friend said to me this morning that she felt he wasn't treating me well and that I know what's right and wrong after being married for many years. I think she is right, but I feel so sad at the thought of losing him from my life.

[hetherine]

jusywishing, How did the phone call go? can you not just continue as friends for now? I do feel for you, and hope very much that things turn out better for you soon.

[justwishing]

Thank you for thinking of me, we didn't get to talk today, I realised that he has house guests tonight and tomorrow and felt it wouldn't be right to try and have this conversation with other people around. I texted him explaining that and asked when it would be best to ring and he has said he will contact me on Wednesday evening. I feel encouraged that at least he wants to speak to me and is giving the situation some consideration. If he was sure he wanted to end our relationship that wouldn't be a long phone call and he could have done it tonight.I think though that there has to be some room for compromise on his side and he needs to be honest about his emotions, or I can't take the risk of carrying on and my feelings for him getting deeper.

I very much hope that we can remain friends, we are very good friends and that was the main reason I felt safe to give him so much of my heart.

[hetherine]

justwishing, I agree as it does (please forgive me for saying this) sound a bit controlling on his side. still lets see what wed-evening brings. i'm thinking of you take care.

[SolidGoldpiginablanket]

I think the trouble is that you love him a lot more than he loves you. He's Not That Into You. This isn't your fault, it doesn't make you a bad person, but the longer you continue in this mindset (of being desperately 'in love' and basically making your wellbeing dependent on his behaviour) the more unhappy you will make yourself. There is nothing more futile than trying to make someone love you.

[justwishing]

Well we have talked tonight and had a really honest conversation, he feels he is being unfair to me and he cannot give me what I need and deserve. He is not sure that the time is right for a relationship for him and doesn't know what he wants, and none of this is to do with me. I am going to see him alone over the weekend and have a face to face talk when he has had a couple of days with no contact from me to consider whether he feels he wants to continue with the relationship. I told him that I will always be his friend no matter what and I don't want to lose him from my life. Thanks everyone for all your kind words and helpful insights into this painful situation.