Just looking for a bit of support and encouragement really (bit long!)

[FlamingoBingo]

Long situation with my Dad which some of you who know me on here might remember. After a bad job of being a dad while I was a child, teen and adult, violent towards mum, alcoholic, walked out when I was nearly 7 (DD1's age), was very unpredictable and let us down a lot until he married my step-mother, when I was 12, who seemed to stabilise him a bit and help us see him more regularly.

Had a flurry of interest when DD1 and DD2 were born, but he soon got 'bored' it appeared and he's never met DD3 or DD4 (nearly 3 and 1).

After some hefty counselling earlier this year, and a lot of soul-searching etc., I've decided to try and build a relationship with him in which I can live with his faults rather than keep hoping they won't be there.

I have been in frank and honest correspondence with my wonderful step-mother over the last couple of months, prior to starting 'work' on my Dad - I had planned to stop contact altogether, so things have changed a great deal in my outlook.

He basically doesn't know how to love without giving money, and he is very down on his luck at the moment, so ignores people he loves until he's better off and can show them he loves them in the only way he knows how .

So I decided to email him and told myself I wouldn't give up this time. I've not felt too emotional about it, which is a huge improvement, but today I am. I am feeling very tearful and this is why:

27 Oct - sent first email about trying to meet up, no response

5 Nov - tried sending it again, no response

9 Nov - texted him to ask if his email was working. He texted back and said he'd email me so I could reply to it IYSWIM. That worked and he did get back to me with a very non-commital response.

Since then, I've only ever 'replied' to his emails so that they can't get 'lost' in cyberspace.

18 Nov - got up the courage to tell him I'd wait until he was ready but that I was not going to pretend I was ok with him putting me off. He replied saying 'thank you'.

27 Nov - emailed him re. a petition wrt my DD's home education, and he replied. I replied about the same topic, but added a PS - something about looking forward to seeing him etc. He didn't respond.

2 Dec - texted him a friendly text saying what we were up to. No response

Today - emailed him something light-hearted - no pressure. No response but I did get from him, just now, a round-robin email to everyone in his address book about donating Christmas Card money to some charity and that is why I'm crying. No response to my email at all.

How likely is it really that all my emails and texts to most people get through fine, but that lots get lost on the way to him?

I know he's probably scared - he's a coward. He's probably depressed as all his emotional life is bound up with money, and he has none. I also know that my presence reminds him what a bloody cock up he's made of fatherhood.

I really need some encouragement to keep going with this as it was easy when it wasn't hurting, but it is starting to hurt now that he's not responding - or responding to only 'practical' contact - and I'm not sure how much longer I can perservere if I'm going to find it emotionally hard. It's not good for me or my children.

[FlamingoBingo]

Anyone?

[figrollinthehay]

What does your step Mother say? Can you copy her in so that she chases him up a bit and pulls him up on his behaviour (shouldn't be necessary I know, but it doesn't sound like he's going to change dramatically ).

[Doha]

Sometimes it's better to give up rather than going on putting yourself this emotional torture. Your mental health is at stake here.

You have tried and tried to have a relationship with your dad it is doing you no good emotionally. Everytime you email you are inviting new heartache as it is pretty obvious that he is not going to reply.
Take a step back you have told him how you feel---leave it a while to see if he makes any contact.
Keep in contact with your step mum if you wish she may be able to shed light on what is happeningor notwith him

[FabIsVeryHappy]

what is worse - giving up and never having the relationship you want or to keep having this feeling of rejection?

My Dad has never wanted anything to do with me.

[DingALongCow]

I dont know the backstory but you said he doesnt know how to love without giving money- could the proximity of Xmas that could be related to his reluctance,this season is all about spending and giving and he might feel unable to particpate. I'd continue with the odd chatty update in the expectation of not getting a reply and try and arrange something for 2010, perhaps Feb or March and if he is still reluctant then sod him.
Sorry if that isnt very coherent, have a grizzy baby on lap.

[DingALongCow]

damn, could it be the proximity of Xmas that is related to his reluctance

not perfect there but better

You are doing so well, you have much more patience with this man than I would have, I think you might just need to take a step back for a bit whilst keeping communication open. are you able to phone him at all- it might be easier if you could hear his tone of voice?

[FlamingoBingo]

figroll - my stepmother can't talk to him about it or he'll be mean to her about interfering . I have just emailed her though to ask her if he's really depressed, or something. She's being very supportive and kind.

Doha - I've tried giving up on him, without saying so, but I still, whatever I tell myself, get my hopes up around every birthday (mine and the DDs) and Christmas and get very upset when all cards are in my step-mother's handwriting. Either I stay being hurt like that, or I keep going with my 'mission' and just get hurt while I try and work out how to have a father-daughter relationship with a damaged man but hopefully not continue having pain all my life.

Dingalong - he's been like this for over a year now (and during previous lean episodes in his life). I don't know if I'm brave enough to speak to him on the phone yet, and phone calls he's not expecting tend to be really unpleasant with him holding back and not engaging at all. Different matter if he rings me, which he does do occassionally. Trouble is, I'm usually so pleased he's rung, I turn into a little girl again who just wants to please her Daddy and I'm not honest with him. I know the change that needs to happen with our relationship is that he needs to know that, even if he doesn't change how he behaves, which I know he won't, I need to be honest with him about how I feel about his behaviour.

I need to keep going with this, but just find a way not to find it hurtful.

[FlamingoBingo]

Oh, and you know I feel like a demanding girlfriend right now. AIBU to expect replies to the emails I've sent?

Thinking of sending him a text saying 'am I annoying you?'

[Doha]

FB I am in a similar situation---not with a parent but a DB a long complicated story. I understand completly about building hopes up, waiting texts etc.
For self preservation i have had to withdraw, it was affecting almost everything l did in daily life and my DH and Dc's were being affected by my moods.
my DH got a text from DB tonight full of apologies and if only "i had been better at keeping contact" (DB not me). For a minute l was excited, now l just feel angry and sad. Too little too late l am not exposing myself to that hurt again.
Please look after yourself.

[purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe]

Flamingo - it sounds like you are still a bit too fragile right now, and you are pinning alot of hope on your willingness to build a relationship.

Maybe he can't right now. Maybe you should just start off smal, then build up. Send the odd "hello" but don't expect too much. Then maybe go from there.

Some people are broken, and are not able to have healthy relationships. YOU did lots of soul searching, but did he?

[FlamingoBingo]

Doha. Makes you realise quite how profound family relationships are, however much we tell ourselves they're not!

Purpleduck - that is so, so helpful. It's exactly the attitude I went into this with and my initial awareness of how long it would take has got lost among the sudden hurt this evening. Thank you for reminding me. I will keep going, but will remember to keep going slowly and not expect too much. Maybe I'll give myself a really long 'deadline' like a year or two and then if I get anything back sooner, it'll be a nice surprise.

[purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe]

Good luck

Both my parents were a bit broken, and once i finally, finally got that they couldn't be the parents I wanted - I got so much more peace.

What was your dad's childhood like?

My mum was terribly abused, and now instead of being angry for what she didn't give me, I try and think of her as a little girl who had such a hard time. Helps me to keep things peaceful in my head.

[JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly]

Oh Flamingo, that sucks.
FWIW I have had the same with my father, horribly mentally abusive as well as beating us all as children. I have cut all contact with him. For the first birthday I got a dirty scarf and then a 20 pound note for christmas, but since then nothing.
He has never met DD's.
He was not invited to my wedding. part of me wanted him to turn up to see his youngest daughter get married, part of me was terrified at the thought of him coming.

About a year before DD1 was born I heard he was dying in hospital through my sister (2 of them stay in touch with him.) and went to stay at SILs all ready to visit, and I decided not to.

AFAI am concerned now, HE is the adult in our relationship, HE is the parent and I am the child, so HE needs to buck his fucking ideas up or lose this whole side of his family.

He is apparently happy for that, so fuck him.
He does speak to my sisters, my brother and another sister and my mum don't speak to him, and don't want to know. The sister who doesn't has cut ties with all the rest of the family as when she confronted my father about him being a cunt he vigorously denied it, leaving her with little option but to blame us instead I haven;t spoken to her or my niece for 5 years.

Families can be so shit sometimes, but I just accept that my children have no grandfather on my side. as far as I am concerned he is dead, and now, 6 years on, I am happy with that decision.

mail me if you want to chat/vent as I truly understand what you are going through, I have been there and it is utterly soul destroying that your own father cazn be such a callous prick. Sometiems when I see DH with DD's it makes me want to cry because I have no memories of my father playing with me or being proud of me.

I hope you come to a decision that is healthy for you, bollocks to him and what is good for him.

[JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly]

Sorry, that was a bit ranty. Must stop drinking and go to bed

[FlamingoBingo]

Thanks everyone. He's not that awful, thank goodness. Has never been violent towards me or my DB, but that doesn't stop the emotional damage of not knowing from one minute to the next if he's loving us or fed up and irritated by us. It's really consolidated for me my belief that children really do need two, stable parents whether they're together or apart in order to get a stable enough foundation to cope with life. I've been very depressed because of it all.

His parents were very, very upper class and both alcoholic. His father had six wives (only 4 children) and his mother was very controlling. He was brought up by a nanny and then a governess. He has no idea about how love works - in his world, you pick up people you love when you're interested in them, or when you have money to show you love them, and drop them when you are bored by them or don't have any money! It's what his parents did. It's crap.

Probably why I'm so (a bit too) dogmatic about parents spending time with their children rather than out working to earn money to spend on their children!

[JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly]

'Probably why I'm so (a bit too) dogmatic about parents spending time with their children rather than out working to earn money to spend on their children!'

I can agree with that, my mum was a WAHM, and a brilliant mother, and I think that has been my saving grace, that she was always there.