What is worse to pay for it or to sleep with someone from work, friend,etc

[canonlytakesomuchmore]

Hi All

I post occasionally but am a regular reader but purposely kept away these last few weeks.

My H been making other things take priority over his family recently and with lots happening these last few months it ended in us separating for an agreed 3-6 month period whilst we work on our marriage.

We both agreed that everything has happened so fast we have our 3 year wedding anniversity coming up before xmas and a 2 year old DD. We started not treating each other with the respect we deserve.

To cut a long story short I found out that he used his one day off this week to tell us and his family that he was working on a Sunday (he does work alternate sundays) and hardly seen my DD on his agreed time and took her to his parents. Dressed all in suit and tie like normal he dropped her off at mine after "work".

I found out that he never worked but arranged to see a prostitute. At the time I didnt know who or what the person was but he kept on telling me I am crazy and he would never sleep with anyone.

By the end of the night I googled a mobile number and found results here. He then finally admitted that he was going to meet her but felt guilty but did meet her 6 months ago. Then 2 days later it was 4 months ago and then 3 months ago.

But after all the upset and betrayel I feel my main question was why because if he was that desparate then it meant that I am not doing something write for him to go out and pay for it. He obviously asked me if he ended up doing with a colleague or someone else would it have been any worse or better. His reasoning for it was the fact that he needed her to do things that I would never do and it was more like a business transaction than anything else.

I know in my hearts of hearts that I would now never take him back and every night I break down not for what he has done to me or why he did it (other than the fact that I also keep on picturing that together) but what we are doing to my DD that already looks a bit confused having to suddenly sleep at daddy's house than at mommy's house.

Sorry didnt mean to make it this long... But would this mean it was all my fault. I refuse to take the blame for him breaking our vows and if he loved me enough he should have mentioned that he wanted a little more excitement and as a couple we should have worked on it together.

[IWroteOffLightningMcQueen]

I am in no way an expert in these matters, but I'd say he is doing what all cheats do and trying to find a way to make it your fault, he is saying you wouldn't do something he hasn't even asked you do to try so he had to get it elsewhere, this is ridiculous.

I am really sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with this, but don't let him turn it round on you, it's not you're fault that he acted on his needs, when he could have simply chosen not to.

In answer to you're question, I don't think there is much difference between a work colleague or a prostitute on the betrayal front, the thing that makes it worse in my mind, is that the money he paid her, is just feeding more of the shit in today's society, drugs, prostitution, sex trade etc. etc. but that is a whole different thread.

I hope you have gone to bed by now, and tried to get some rest, if not sleep.

[canonlytakesomuchmore]

Hi

Thanks for your response, I ended up going to bed after 3am. But as a mum with an active toddler been up since 6:30.

I said it exactly the same way to him that no matter who or what it was, he betrayed us. I just feel totally disgusted in the fact that he went out and paid for it, that he came home numerous times and then was intimate with me. I even booked an appointment at the docs to make sure that I am clean. I am just horrified by the disgusting pictures in my head as he told me exactly what she did.

[IWroteOffLightningMcQueen]

Maybe you could try and concentrate on practical matters, if you fill your head up with things that need to be done and sorted out then you wouldn't have so much time to think about what he's done? I don't know, it probably doesn't work like that but I've never been in your position so don't really know the answer!

Maybe going the other way and talking about the picture in your head would help (that has worked for me before)?

Do you have support? Your family or friends or someone in RL?

[2embrased]

im so sorry i don't have any words of advice. i hope you have support in RL.

[canonlytakesomuchmore]

No, no friends or family and therefore finding it really hard to keep myself occupied.

Only time I do not think as much about it is during the day when I am with DD but she has naps and goes to bed at 7pm and I am all alone every night and weekends.

[Hassled]

Agree that the level of betrayal is the same, whether it was a prostitute or a colleague. But there's something much much seedier obviously about the prostitute - getting yourself checked out is essential - you can go to something called a GUM Clinic if you'd rather stay anonymous (google it for your local one). They need a name, but it can be any name, IYSWIM (I used to work for an Aids helpline, and lots of people got tested without real names).

None of this is your fault - you've done everything right. And you can do much much better for yourself, from the sound of it.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

It's not your fault. Never your fault. IMO they are different levels of betrayal, a friend/proper affair would hurt in one way but the knowledge that my DH could pay a woman for sex would hurt in a whole other way. I couldn't easily get over the sex worker, whereas I'd be more likely to forgive an affair. That is because using a sex worker would change who I believed my DH to be and I don't think I would love him any more.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

He did this whilst still sleeping with you ?

Then came home and told you about it ?

In what fucking deluded world is he living in ? Did he think that would make you desperate to do the things she did, just to hang onto him ?

What an utter cockwipe, I honestly want to deck this man. I can't believe you are giving him headspace.

Do not have anything more to do with him (except for bare civility re. arrangements for dc's)

There are more ways to betray someone than sticking your dick into someone else. Cruelty is pretty much top of the list for me.

Don't question this amy more. You are well out of it (and I hope your STD checks were OK).

[Malificence]

AF, I'm nodding along in agreement here - what a truly dispicable and arrogant wanker he sounds.

I think the word I'm searching for here is TOSSPOT, yes, that's a suitable description.

OP, don't waste another nano-second on him - who knew you could google prossies' phone numbers! How grim is that?

[oldwoman]

Paying for it is worse than sleeping with a friend. For a start, it is actually illegal to go with a prostitute.

I wouldn't be getting back together with this man. I would try and build a different life for yourself. Have you moved somewhere with him and that's why there are no family/friends around? Could you consider moving house altogether, getting a smaller place for you and DD nearer in your hometown/similar? Your DD is too young to have meaningful friendships of her own so it would be OK to move her now IMO.

There is no point considering why he did this - he is a cock and his actions are unjustifiable.

If he needs to screw prostitutes, that's his problem, just don't let it be a part of your and your DD's lives.

[expatinscotland]

Paying for it is beyond pathetic.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

it doesn't matter what is worse-prostitute/random woman/colleague/sheep in the field

his other cruel behaviour is much, much worse-the gloating, the trying to make you feel worthless, the risks he took with your health

if any man did that to me, my brothers would kick seven shades of shit outta him (and we are not a violent family, I promise you)

[FrayedKnot]

Goodness me, don;t take any blame for this at all.

And I agree there is no point even wondering why he did this.

Just think of him in a few months time without anyone special in his life - yes he can visit a prostitute for sex but will it make him happy? Pretty unlikely!!

People need relationships, and most people like to have sex within a loving relationship. If he can;t handle that it's his problem, because when you got married that's what you signed up for.

Meanwhile you will be moving on and hopefully one day finding someone who is capable of loving you and making you happy.

[SolidGoldpiginablanket]

OP: your H sounds like a prize dickwad I would agree, but there are one or two things other posters have said which are a bit inaccurate.
Firstly, it is not currently illegal in the UK to pay for sex, or to perform sexual services in exchange for money.
Secondly, FrayedKnot, people don't need couple-relationships, many people are better off without them.
Back to he OP: if he has particular sexual fetishes that you don't share, that doesn't make you a bad person (or sexually inadequate). But an ethical man would have discussed the issue with you and maybe you wold have been able to come to an agreement about his gettingthose needs met elsewhere - him going off and doing it and then basically telling you it's your fault shows he's a selfish tosspot.

[canonlytakesomuchmore]

Hi

Thanks for all the replies. Been at college and only get home after 9.

Just to answer some of the questions. We separated few weeks ago because he was behaving like an asshole, staying out and making excuses and basically not putting us first.

So after I initially kicked him out and after much talk we agreed that it would be a separation where we would try and work on our marriage. We were arguing all the time and not good for us let alone my DD. We agreed that it was not to go and do our own thing where other people are concerned but more so that we can both learn to love ourselves and then get back to loving each other as I havent been happy for a while.

Lots of times he was suppose to have DD but then messed up and then finally agreed to have her but then dropped her at his parents because he had "work". Turned out that it was not his turn to work (they work alternate sundays) and that he wasnt near work.

Dropping her off at his parents and picking her up he was all dressed for work in suit and tie. When he brought DD home things didnt look 100% because everything I asked him got him on edge.

While he was busy with something else I got his mobile and there was a message that didnt make sense, (hey its me ........, met you a little while ago in Cheltenham would like to see you in Brum today at 2. I took the number down and just questioned him without revealing anything but mentioning that I called work for something and his colleagues told me he had a day off. He then admitted that he had a day off and that he spent it with his druggy friends who I dont like anymore.

When i asked whether he met with someone else he made me sound like I was crazy. He left all upset cos I was accusing him of something like that. After he left I tried calling the number and it kept on going to voicemail.

I then decided to google it expecting a "no results" page or for the most maybe a facebook page of some female. But Lo & behold I got results and it was the link I gave in my first post.

With that information I called him and asked him and after lying several times he admitted that yes he made an appointment with her but couldnt go through it (something about feeling guilty) but admitted to doing it 6 months ago.

According to me 6 months ago we were at a good place in our marriage and then few days later he said it was 3-4 months ago. But in the end just a whole lotta bullshit and lies and no I will never get back with him. EVER. Oh and I still believe that he saw her that particular day which he is denying.

[canonlytakesomuchmore]

Oh and reason I have no friends is because firstly I am not british and my close friends all moved away and I have a few new friends whom I met through toddler group because we moved to this area in April but I really dont want even talk about things like this.

Spoke to really good friends over the phone since my post on here and they were really supportive but still not the same having someone here.

Coming home after 9pm to a big house with no lights and darkness aint fun. But I am dealing with it.

Oh and we have had intimacy after he moved out because as I mentioned we were working on our marriage and that was one part of it. He even agreed at the time that we can try for the 2nd baby that i have been wanting for so long. (dont worry definitely not pregnant and wont be for many years to come)

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

good for you

and btw, you have virtual friends on here, any time you need 'em