anyone else out there with a mum in her 80's and a child at primary?

[ssd]

my mum is depressing me, I know that sounds awful. she's lost her quality of life, drinks too much and generally is quite down. she doesn't want to go out in fact she can't walk so hardly goes anywhere. my 2 are under 11 and are really busy and I find it so hard to fit in my mum. I have siblings but they live miles away and have removed themselves emotionally from mum years ago, they rarely visit. I'm the only relative nearby.

I need/want a mum who lifts me a bit/helps me out a bit/ mothers me a bit, but I mother her now and its all about her all the time

none of my friends get it, they all have mums who help out/visit/chat on the phone

I feel so lonely about this, I'm carrying it all and no one knows/cares

she has help for a half hour a day from the council but TBH the girls who come are crap

its just all shite really

[squilly]

I really feel for you and have no real advice to offer.

My mom is 82 and I have an 8 year old, nearly 9 in January. Mum hasn't been mobile for some years and was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, so she's currently dying slowly. I live 80 miles away and miss her horribly but I find myself unable to see her often as I'm too busy juggling child, school, work etc.

It's not easy having older parents and young children. Although there are lots of positives to having your children late in life the major drawback is that you end up 2 way parenting....caring for you parents at one end of the scale, child/children at the other.

I am so sorry for your feelings. I can't offer anything other than I understand and I really feel for you....

[poshsinglemum]

I can understand where you are coming from as my mum is falling to bits and i am spending time looking after her although she can walk.

It's like looking after two babies when you were hoping for another pair of hands.

Can't you see a doctor about this?

[ssd]

thanks for replies, really I know there is nothing I can do

she won't see a doctor, says she's seen enough of them to last a lifetime......

you both obviously know where I'm coming from, mum is 82 and my youngest is 8

I feel like I need my mum and I have a third child

my friends so don't get it, they say "oh my mum is just like this" then I see them out shopping with their mum and I want to cry

sorry to be so moany, I've had a hell of a day then went to my mums with her shopping etc etc and she talked about herself and how she feels all the time, I went to make a cuppa and of course she'd no milk although I'd just done her shopping with what she said she needed.......its just so depressing

[yomellamoHelly]

Eldest is in Yr1, but my Mum's not 80 - she's 67. However she has dementia and is psychotic about 25% of the time. I find it really sad because she barely knows who I am and hasn't a clue about the children. She spent years waiting for gc and now she's too ill to even realise she has any (started our family when I was in my 30s). Things are only going to get worse for her.
She recently moved into a nursing home having been really quite ill since the summer and I'm having to sort out her finances, flat etc.
Can't say I'm doing an exemplary job of it but it is slowly being sorted out (she lives 200 miles away). Hate juggling this and my own family's stuff but no-one else will do it.
At moment I'm just trying to treat her the way I would want to be treated if I were in her situation.
FWIW Mum had carers visiting her for 5 months every day. They weren't any good either never gaining a sense of what was really going on (i.e. Mum just not coping with most basic aspects of daily life) and she was still on the phone majorly stressed out a lot.

[yomellamoHelly]

Regarding the doctor I would book her an appointment and tell her she should come with me but that if she refused I'd still go and talk about her. The psychiatric team in my Mum's area were excellent and really had seen it all before. They used to visit her every week and the consultant to the team would visit as needed too. You will find they try and offload all responsibiliity onto you as much as possible. You need to over-emphasise your concerns and other commitments to get them to step up to the mark to get her the help she needs.

[Jux]

Until September I had a mum of 84 and a daughter of 9. Now I have a daughter of 10 and no mum.

She lived with us, which may have made things easier, but it was still exhausting. She had her own private part of our house, which included bathroom (with bath, shower, loo, basin), kitchen, bedroom, sittingroom, but even so I did her washing, cleaning, tidying, cooking, shopping; I kept her company for several hours a day; I sorted out her problems with technology (many and varied!).

In July, she stopped being able to swallow anything thicker than water. I started scurrying round even more, trying to find nice things for her to eat, cook her nourishing (but very liquid) tempting things. DH took her to probably about 3 appointments a week at different hospitals/clinics around. In August she was dx with incurable cancer. We were appalled but hoped she's still be with us at Xmas. She died 3 1/2 weeks later.

Please look after your mum. She is irreplaceable. My mum hadn't mothered me for a long time, but I still miss her and haven't been able to mourn her yet.

Maybe it would be easier if she did live with you. Then your children can spend time with her. You won't be so fraught when you're with her. She may be happier being a bigger part of your lives. I don't know. Ignore me. I want to tell you to treasure her, but maybe she's not very treasurable at the moment.

[Bellabellabella]

I have been through a similar situation. Would it help you to see a doctor to talk about your situation and how you feel? I used to feel that I was on a treadmill and I could not get off.

[zoggs]

ssd - I faced being in your situation just over a year ago. My youngest is age 8 and my Dad (age 85) faced massive op. The plan was for me to be his carer if/when he got home. Unfortunately, he never got out of ITU and died in hospital. I was and still am bereft but part of me is very relieved that I didn't have to take that role. My mother also died suddenly (age 81) 5 years ago. It is hard when your parents are much older and you still have young children.

Sorry, no advice. But you have my sympathy.

[OrmIrian]

ssd - give it 2 years and I will be there.

My parents are 78 and until recently were very independent - in fact picked they DC up from school once a week. Dad recently got sick and I was doing as much as humanly possible to support mum and visit dad in hospital. It was such a shock to realise how much support and help they might need on a regular basis in the future and how my life would basically have to be put on hold in order to deal with 3 DC, full-time job and needy parents.

[neversaydie]

Parents in their 80's, Dad with dementia, living 9 hours drive away. Both sisters live on different continents.

Mum would love to be more involved with me and ds, but is nursing my Dad full time. Ds is 10, and hardly knows his grandparents. I phone on my way home from work every day, so at least she gets a rational conversation. And thank God for free-lance nurses, who pick up the slack. I dread the call telling me that one or other has had to go into hospital.

I know exactly what you mean.

[ssd]

thanks for all replies

I'm sorry for everyone who has recently lost their mum or dad, it was the anniversary of my dad dying the other day.

jux, trust me I don look after my mum and I'm the only one doing it. my mum is very grateful and I'm doing the best I can. but I feel she needs more help than I can give her. she couldn't move in with us, house far too tiny, can't even fit in a sleepover. also she doesn't want to move, I got her a sheltered house near me and she refused to move.
sorry to moan again, its just so getting me down. dh listens and is great and helps mum too so that something.

[IsItMeOr]

ssd, just wanted to say that you sound lovely and, while I'm not in your position yet, I could well be in a few years' time.

It is a rubbish situation, and acknowledging that doesn't mean that you don't look after your mum wonderfully. It's just important sometimes to say these things to yourself/MNet/DH so that you know you're not going mad for feeling this way.

You sound like a fabulous daughter and mum, and I hope I do as well as you if/when the time comes.

Just a tiny thought - could you stash some longlife milk somewhere for the annoying tea situation? Although I'm sure that's just one example of the many frustrations.

[higgle]

I work for a charity for the elderly (just a local one) and have a few suggestions.

If your mother gets home care for 1/2 hour a day this should be reviewed regularly - usually every year or if there is a change in circumstances. Social Services have a duty to consider all your mother's needs and
should refer on if there is another agency that might be able to assist her. Suggest you contact them about your concerns and ask for a review, they can then consider whether there are any social activities or groups that might be of interest or anything by way of equipment ( large print books, adapted board games etc. etc. that might brighten her life)

Speak to whatever help the aged/age concern now call them selves - they do pub lunches and other gatherings, and there arre library clubs - like book clubs - set up with transport laid on in lots of areas.

Day centres - sounds awful I know, but a lot of people enjoy them.

Internet - lots of training in place now for third agers - Skype etc. can work well in reducing isolation.

Having two parts of your familly needing attention is really difficult - we help quite a few women who have married men older than them, who become frail or have dementia, who are also caring for very elderly parents too.

There are lots of sources of support out there - but it is sometimes very hard to find them - your "Adult Help Desk" at social Services should be able to point you in the right direction.

[ssd]

thanks again girls!

ah higgle, ss! I'm dealing with them all the time, I find they are great at passing the buck. then I fight and fight with them to get extra care for my mum, then am cguffed when I eventuall get it only for my mum to say "I don't want that", when she agreed to it a few days earlier. she just wants to be left alone and can't be bothered with anything but when things go wrong she expects me to just access what the council has straight away. she now wants a stairlift, I've been calling the council all week, got passed from pillar to post, no-one has any of her details , although she's been on their books for years, eventually I get a call she's on a waitning list, I tell mum and she says" oh walking up the staits is good for me" (although she can hardly get up......)

sigh.

I could go on with a million stories, the my siblings call up and say oh mum sounds great, you worry too much.

thanks isitmeor and the milk sounds like a good idea, only prob she has limited use of her hands -arthritis- and couldn't open it without help, still good idea for emergencies

[ssd]

higgle, there is a great daycare centre near her, she won't go

[IsItMeOr]

I use the moo longlife milk - it's more expensive as it's organic, but it has a screw top, so if she has one of those gadgets for getting small screw tops off with, she might be able to manage it.

[ssd]

thanks I'll look out for it

[Jux]

ssd, I'm sorry I wasn't very sympathetic. We are smarting from the death of mum, followed within weeks by the death of my brother, two guinea pigs, our cat and our van. Not only that, but mum and bro are the 6th and 7th deaths we have had to cope with in the last 2 years - all close family or friends, though those two were the closest. I am sometimes helpful and kind, and sometimes quite prickly and unkind. I'm sorry.

[ssd]

oh jux, no need to be sorry, I understand exactly what you meant.
I'm so sorry for all of your losses, that must be so painful for you.
Please don't feel bad, I knew what your first post was all about.

thanks for replying and try to look after yourself

xx

[ginnybag]

There was an article in one of the papers today about this, so you're definately not alone. Apparently our generation of women are becoming 'sandwiched' like this more and more often.

It's not my mum whose the issue for me, but my great-aunt (Grandma's sister). She's in her nineties.

She's needed help for years now, but since last winter the situation has deteriorated rapidly. She can barely manage any simple task for herself and cannot be left alone at nights. (Both practically in case something happens and emotionally because she gets scared.)

We were just about coping on a rota between me, my mum and my two aunts. But, like you, OP, the situation is being made increasingly intolerable by the conditions and demands my GA is placing on who stays, when, how long for etc. And she absolutely will not let any 'stranger' i.e. professional carer etc take any part in it!

She looked after her mum, so I can see why she feels the way she does, but it's telling that she never had children of her own so doesn't understand the conflicts she creating.

To stay with her, my mum has to leave my teenage sister alone all night (or ask her to come stay with me) my Aunty2 has to leave her son. I'm (very) pregnant but will not be allowed to bring either my husband or baby with me and Aunty1 has to do a two-hour commute (and doesn't drive herself) but, similarly, cannot bring her husband.

So, can't offer much in the way of advice but can defintely sympathise!

[ssd]

thanks, I've heard of that expression before it does describe the feeling of being torn in two

[ginnybag]

Yeah, it does.

Or squashed between the proverbial rock and the hard place and completely burned out with it.

And there's always the constant 'what if?' worry.

I really do wish I had a solution? Is there no other member of the family or even a friend that could spell you even briefly? My GA was a big church goer for years and we've had the odd afternoon of cover provided by other members of the congregation.

[ssd]

no, there is no family nearby and all of her friends are dead

[flibertygibet]

My mum is 83 and has dementia. She lives a long way away (another country) and so I only see her once or twice a year.

I just spoke to her on the phone and I don't think she knew who I was.

It's really crap. And sad. She was such a vibrant mum to me, busy, involved.

My ds is 6. He's the one person she remembers clearly.

It IS shite. And frightening.