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arguements - are they obligatory?

12 replies

totallyawesome · 03/12/2009 16:54

I've been with my DP for a little over a year and we haven't had an arguement yet. I don't know whether to worry or not. He is a very calm person and not given to getting in a flap. I'm also generally quite calm and mostly flap-free. Some things get my goat, but not many. We don't see each other a huge amount and don't live together.

On the other hand, a friend of mine has been with her DP for about as long and they argue like cat and dog.

so, is it ok not to have anything to disagree about? can this be normal? I don't feel that I am suppressing my true feeling to avoid conflict (this is what I have done in the past, but this feels different). I don't feel that he is doing that either.

what do you reckon?

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pagwatch · 03/12/2009 16:59

I think it would be odd if you never had a difference of views/opinions.

But it is perfectly possible that you defer to each other naturally when one seems more set on a certain outcome than the other.

Dh and I have an incredibly smooth relationship and have been married 20 years.
But we still disagree. We don't fight like cat and dog - some people do I know and that is their style - but to me it is childish and would be stressful and exhausting.
If we disagree about something we talk about it and reach a compromise.

So no, I don't think it is terrible or odd as long as neither of you is just endlessly deferring to the other

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BitOfFun · 03/12/2009 17:01

Exactly pag- you can disagree, but there's no need to argue as such. Unless it's when you're drunk and then it's all "I loooove you more". "no, I loooove you more" etc etc

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totallyawesome · 03/12/2009 17:32

phew, that makes me feel better. We have certainly had differences of opinion, but have either agreed to differ and moved on or reached a compromise that we have both been ok with.

what I'm used to (bad relationship etc) is being shouted down and then deferring in the interests of a quiet life.

being able to agree to differ is alien territory.

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LisaD1 · 03/12/2009 17:42

My DH and I hardly ever argue and if we do (don't tell him this!) it's usually my fault as I can be a stroppy cow (especially at certain times of the month!), We do disagree on things and even have heated discussions but it very rarely ends up a full blown argument, not sure I could be bothered to stick with it really if we were always arguing.

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TheArmadillo · 03/12/2009 17:49

we disagree but rarely argue/shout.

Usually when one of us is angry the other is calm.

That comes more from a hatred of shouting/anger I think than anything else.

My 2 closest friends both have occasional screaming matches with their husband/partner but then they are much more 'emotional' than I am - i.e. they display their hearts on their sleeves. So will more easily burst into tears or shout.

It's a personality thing I think.

Its only a problem when one partner won't/can't disagree I think - as long as both are able to demonstrate their opinions.

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BitOfFun · 03/12/2009 18:16

I'm pretty emotionally incontinent open though, I just know that DP isn't doing anything to deliberately piss me off, so I tend not to get upset with him. Whereas I may need comforting if I watch Love Actually or something

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mumblechum · 03/12/2009 18:17

I suspect things will change if you ever live together.

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BitOfFun · 03/12/2009 18:20

Depends- if you're not given to screeching about putting the bins out etc, you could keep it to a bare minimum.

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ABetaDad · 03/12/2009 18:22

When we were first going out and living together we used to argue a bit, say once a month, as we are both driven and obstinate 'first child' types. When children came long and we were both exhausted and stressed and snappy and had more arguements from frayed nerves rather than fundamental disagreements.

Now the children are older (9 + 7) we do not argue or disagree at all for months and we are together literally 24/7. So it is not obligatory but I think it can oscillate over time depending on what is going on.

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diedandgonetodevon · 03/12/2009 18:31

DH & I haven't have had what I would consider an argument in the six years we have been together.
We don't always agree but we have always found a way around it without resorting to a slanging match.

I wonder if we just subconciously realise that we are both rather prone to flying off the handle with others and make the effort to talk rather than shout at each other.

If we had the constant arguing and bickering that I have witnessed from couples we know, I'd have been out the door years ago.

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EdgarAleNPie · 03/12/2009 18:37

we rarely argue. we often sulk otoh...

i am a legend of sulking.

possibly, if you feel there is resentment building up, an argument is better?

but, if it ain't broke...