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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Don't know who is being more selfish me or him?

25 replies

Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 11:21

I origionaly posted this in the step-parenting section but I think its more of a relationship problem so here is a link..

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 12:50

I'm really sorry I posted a link to my other thread, I just wanted someone to talk to, sad and pathetic I know but....

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nailpolish · 24/06/2005 12:53

squirrel, i dont really have much experience that would be of any great advice to you, i think its great you are being such a good mum and gran, how is your dd?

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 12:56

Thank you nailpolish, dd is really well. I'm surprised at how well actually, she is disabled with spinal problems but she has recovered from the birth amazingly well, and of course dgd is beautiful.

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nailpolish · 24/06/2005 12:59

oh i didnt realise she had had her baby! congratulations! how are you and your dp today

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 12:59

I'm realy proud of them both.

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:04

That is I'm really proud of dd and dgd, dp is another matter (posts crossed) he is being a pig. I don't understand why he can't understand why I am so stressed at the moment, I need his support.

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nailpolish · 24/06/2005 13:04

im sorry if ive missed everything, how is your GD?

are you getting enough space to cope with this all?

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nailpolish · 24/06/2005 13:06

i dont think men can deal with these things. they get angry instead of upset or emotional or clam up instead of talk, etc etc etc etc

winds me up no end

is he giving you space? is he letting you talk? do you prefer to be on your own right now?

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:10

I'm getting to much space at the mo, dp isn't talking to me or sleeping in the same bed as me.

My GD is much the same, he is very weak, thin and unresponsive. He is asleep most of the time and when he opens his eyes he can't respond to you (although when I told him about dgd and him being a Great Great Grandad again I'm sure he looked pleased and proud)

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Caligula · 24/06/2005 13:13

Congratulations on being a grandmother, Squirrel. A bit of joy in all that stress.

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ninah · 24/06/2005 13:14

oh squirrel I'm SO sorry. You must be so miserable. Can't you make arrangements with dp to go out and talk about it, or write him a letter/email telling him how you feel about your grandad? He sounds like he is entrenched in his own pov and needs to wake up to how things are for you, it's difficult to do this in a context of all the stuff that's been going on, you need space with each other, remind him you need him now more than ever. How is your grandad, it must be terrrible watching someone fade away like this, my mum was my main refuge and I lost her last year very suddenly, which was a shock but prob not as awful as watchign someone ill and suffering. And a new life at the same time, things are certainly a mix for you atm, congrats on dd's baby.

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:16

DP is just angry with me because in his eyes I didn't want his children for the weekend and then I was rude to his older children. He won't listen to my explainations. I have really tried to be a good step mum to his childen.

I told him that it seems like he wanted to call it a day with me but he wasn't 'brave' enough to say it, he didn't answer.

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nailpolish · 24/06/2005 13:18

great idea to write him a letter

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:21

Thank you caligula and ninah, dp knows all about my family history and how much GD means to me, maybe he just doesn't know how to support me, maybe he is just an *rse I don't know.

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:26

I'm hopeless at writing letters (its ok on here because of the being anonomus thing) but my Mother used to communicate to me mostly by letter only from the age of 12 (even though I lived with her) yes , I know its mad but thats the way it was...

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:38

Some people shouldn't be parents, I'm sorry if that shocked anyone but thats the way it was I used to come home from school to find notes on my bed saying things like for example 'your cooking dinner tonight, you can dust and hoover too, by the way I didn't like the way you looked at me this morning I expect a full appology in writing by 5pm'.

She was, and still is totally mad and a bully too!

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ninah · 24/06/2005 13:38

well TALK to him then, but out of the house if you can. Tell him how you felt, how it all got on top of you, how very low you feel when someone you love is dying. Spell it out! Tell him you love him and dss/dsd's (hate 'skids', reminds me of 'skid marks') but that you really really couldn't on anything that weekend, you didn't want them to see you miserable so that's why you wanted to rearrange. Set aside angry you are with him atm and have a go. SOunds like you need someone to love you right now.

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ninah · 24/06/2005 13:40

oooh, sorry about yr mum.
You should be even more proud for creating a family based on love then, rather than getting damaged by her. You sound very strong.

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:41

I'll try to talk to him but I don't think he will listen, every time I try to talk to him he walks out of the room, think I might have to chase him around the house.

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:42

ninah, I don't feel very strong.

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ninah · 24/06/2005 13:45

OUT of the house! this is exactly why.
I have a dp who is ALLERGIC to 'talking'
Say to him 'dp we need a chat, I've got a babysitter coming at 8 and we are going out for an hour'.
squirrel I will stay here as long as I can but have a meeting at 2 so if I go suddenly, you know why. I will be back after to check on you though!

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 13:48

Sorry I misread, didn't see out of the house, good idea, I'll try.

Thank you for caring and your kind words/support. Talk to you later.

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nailpolish · 24/06/2005 13:54

sorry about mentioning writing a letter, how awful for you that your mum communicated like that.

sorry again

do you think deep down he is just unable to talk to you himself? do you think going out for a walk or something to talk would help him to?

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ninah · 24/06/2005 13:56

GOOD LUCK SQUIRREL! (yup, was shouting )

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Squirrel3 · 24/06/2005 14:02

nailpolish why are you appologising? its not your fault that my mother is mad, don't worry, I've had many years to come to terms with it, although it is hard when I visit my GD and she is there and she won't even look in my direction, you would think that even she could put her own feelings aside for my gd's (her fathers) sake. I supose that it is stirring up old feelings of rejection etc, another reason that dp's 'rejection is affecting me so badly I guess.