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Relationships

Can you be honest with me...

158 replies

Forthebest · 02/12/2009 11:35

hello,
Thought I would ask an honest bunch a question as my friends are too biased.
Been with DH for over 15 years. Have 2 DC.
We aren't getting on at all. It really feels like we have broken down. There is no real communication and the rows are harsh and hurtful.

He was made redundant 5 years ago and time has just stayed still for him while I work fulltime for all of us.
He does some token housework, and cooks the evening meal ( to keep me from nagging - his words ) but I pay for everything, and deal with the girls 100% including taking them to school etc.

I think he is depressed. He makes NO effort to go to the GP though, even though I have asked and asked. he would rather sit on the p.c all day and night.

I am so resentful of our rubbish life, and have been for a good year that I feel like I have withdrawn totally. I dont, hug him or kiss him and I tend to " give in " to sex to avoid an argument. I know he must feel that.

He is now angry at me all the time as there is no affection ( sex !). he says I am cold and he has now also withdrawn. he keeps anti social hours, he will stay up till 3am then sleep in while me and the DC are at work/school.

Today was DC2 5th birthday. He stayed awake all night as he said he couldnt sleep. This was because of me and how angry he is with me. It meant that I opened all the presents, and cards with her while he SLEPT on the sofa in the same room and ignored her !!!!!!

We keep talking things over and over, and all we ever discuss is hoiw cold I am and how there is no affection. If I mention the reasons why he just brushes them aside.

Am I in the wrong ? I know its not nice to live with someone who is not very affectionate, but neither is it nice to live with someone who refuses to work, keeps antisocial hours and pays absolutely NO atention to their children except to tell them off !!

I really feel like its time to end this. We go round and round. I will be miserable without him but I know I could cope and this is hell !!he says all he wants is me but I want a family unit !! I want a future and Im not going to have it while I have to support him and keep him for the rest of his life ??

Any thoughts please ??

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Swedington · 02/12/2009 11:42

Have you lost respect for him? Because he is no longer doing the manly thing and bringing in a wage?

Why doesn't he get another job? If he can't get a job because he is depressed then he needs to go and get some help.

You need to find a way to work again as a team.

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Swedington · 02/12/2009 11:43

What do you mean by "keeps antisocial hours"?

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GypsyMoth · 02/12/2009 11:45

my thoughts are he is behaving this way because he can! doubt its true depression,thats not as common as everyone would have you believe! its just a buzz word,as is stress. 5 years is a long time and sounds like all respect has diminished completely.

what can you do? well tell him (don't ask him) that things are going to change by new year,that he will be looking for a job and engaging with his family. have you thought of relate? no experience of that myself though

he needs a kick up the backside,and he needs to realise that he's in danger of losing you all

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dejavuaswell · 02/12/2009 11:45

Well it certainly sounds to me as if your DH is ill. Has he tried to get a job in the last five years? Don't benefits depend on him doing exactly that?

Have you offered to go with him to the doctors?

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GypsyMoth · 02/12/2009 11:46

the staying upn all night thing is anti social hours,leaving him to sleep all day. thats a cycle he's got himself into,which can be easily undone if he wants it

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RealityIsHungover · 02/12/2009 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lavenderkate · 02/12/2009 11:48

Its a bit of a catch 22.
He needs to get a job for his own self esteem. Its clearly affecting you all his joblessness.

But he may not feel upto work without help first.
Men are very stubborn about getting help with antidepressants/counselling, speak to your own GP for advice on that.

If you could afford it and stand it what about getting away for 24 hours, somewhere quiet country inn.

Know lots of people that have been in/ are currently in your situation. Hope some of this helps.

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diddl · 02/12/2009 11:50

If my husband was at home all day and I was working fulltime, I´d expect him do the majority of the cooking, cleaning and childcare tbh!

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Forthebest · 02/12/2009 12:15

I will explain sorry. He keeps anti-social hours becuase he stays up till 3-4am and then sleeps in till 12-1ish. Even at weekends ! I get up at 6:30 on a weekday to get the DC ready for school and me work and even get up at weekends. He says its not his fault and he is a deep sleeper. He says I should wake him but if I do he is SO angry. He shouts ans slams things around. Last saturday he was awake at 9am as we had a parcel delivered and the door woke him. He was so angry and siad he felt cheated of sleep !! When i said what about me ? I have been up all week, he got anrgy and said " oh fine I wont speak anymore for f*ks sake !!".

He doesnt claim any benefits at all. he refuses to sign on. I have asked and asked him too and he says he will but never does.

As for childcare, he looked after the 5 year old for a while but refused to take her anywhere or do anything with her. They didnt leave the house !! So I ended up paying for her to be in nursery for some stimulation!
He promised me that when she started school in september he would look for work. he hasnt looked for one single job or been for one interview in over five years !

His contribution to family life is to cook the evening meal :0(.
He wont come out with us on days out for hundreds of ridiculous reasons. he doesnt like traffic or queueing for things FFS !!! he always invents an illness and says he has a headache/chestpain/knee pain/upset stomach/vomiting etc on a DAILY basis !! he takes nurofen with co-codomal every single day !!

I have offered to go with him to the GP, to the Benefits office everywhere ! he always cries off with an excuse and gets angry if I try to persuade him.
This then causes an atmosphere and he will ignore me and the DC until I make the effort to cajole him round. I am sick of it. Yes I think I HAVE lost repsect for him.

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LadyGlenChristmasPresent · 02/12/2009 12:23

He sounds agoraphobic to me. Does he ever go out? You need to TAKE him to the GP, no matter what he says about it - he clearly needs professional help with what sounds like some very deep-seated issues.

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abitchilly · 02/12/2009 12:23

Gosh, honestly, he really really needs to see a doctor.

Whatever is wrong with him, and I'm sure depression figures, it is not your responsibility though.

Not pulling one's weight to such an extreme for so long would make me want to walk away I think. But I don't know, I haven't been in your shoes.

If that's what you feel you want or need, don't feel guilty. He has got a lot of sorting himself out to do and you can't do it for him.

Separations need not necessarily be final, but it does feel like something needs to change radically here to jolt him into action.

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ginnybag · 02/12/2009 12:25

Nasty situation, and I can see very easily why you'd be thinking about walking away.

The question is - do you actually want to be with this man anymore? Is there enough left for you to willing to work for it or have you just had enough? If there's no respect or affection left for him and you don't ever see yourself being able to get past his behaviour these last few years then maybe it is time to go.

Because practically speaking (and only practically!) you and the DC would better off alone. You're already doing all the work and paying all the bills - not supporting him would leave you better off, not worse. He is, in very real terms, a dead weight and a stress causing dead weight, at that.

In terms of your relationship with him, it is not surprising that you aren't 'affectionate'. Why should you be? He's giving nothng at all to either you or his family. When was the last time he showed you affection or understanding - not sex, that's utterly beside the point here - but support, emotional warmth, commitment to your family. Care about your day/week/month. When was the last time he asked you how you were feeling, made you a cup of tea, let you have a lie in?

He's set himself into a pattern of behaviour that's not compatible with your life and that, at least, needs to change.

As for the DC... if you're worrying about the impact leaving may have on them, well, I know a relationship with their father is important, but the only one they have now is very negative and the home environment must be dismal. It cannot be worse for them to only see him sometimes (or even never) than for them to see him only ever completely uninterested in them to the point of being asleep through their birthday?!

I think you'd be completely justified in walking away. And I would, unless your husband starts making some serious changes in his attitude.

If you do decide to stay, set a time limit for how long you're willing to give it. Then write a list of all the things you feel need to change, so that you're clear in your own head. You don't necessarily need to show him the list (although do, if he won't sit down and talk) but you do need to say to him 'I'm thinking of leaving but can we talk about it first.' If he won't even discuss things, you have your answer, because things can't continue as they are.

I'd suggest that, at the least, you need him to do the following:

Stop keeping his current hours. He fits into the family schedule, not the other way round.

Start contributing to the house. He should be doing the bulk of the housework, because he's doing nothing else.

Start contributing to his children. If not in terms of childcare (which imo, should be his responsibility at least at weekends) then at a minimum in terms of attention. Sleeping through important events is a no-no.

See his GP, if you think he's genuinely depressed and not just lazy. If he cites depression for why he can't do anything else, then this really is a make-or-break. Say you'd be willing to work with him to get treatment/get better etc, but don't let this become a 'get out of jail free' card for why he's not pulling his weight. You have yourself and, more importantly, your DC to think of.

Start actively looking for work, and take the first suitable job that's offered, unless he's willing to become a full-time SAHD.

Hope that helps - apologies for length!

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MsDoctor · 02/12/2009 12:29

Honestly, I would ask him to leave or seek help for his 'depression'.

In order to be a valuable member of your family he needs to engage with you and his dcs, get a job or put effort into being a SAHD.

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Swedington · 02/12/2009 12:31

What does he do until 3-4am?

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ginnybag · 02/12/2009 12:33

Cross posted, I think!

Revising my opinion based on further info...if he won't help himself, then there's nothing you can do.

He's giving you a litany of excuses why he can't give a reasonable amount to your marriage and your family and that can't go on.

Still think you need to attempt one final conversation, but I think you need to be far harsher. I would actually ask him to leave and see what he does. It might be the jolt he needs.

If you still want to fight... what about you going to the GP and explaining and asking them to come and do an assessment of him at home? It sounds like there could be genuine mental health issues here (of course, there also could not be!) and, if so, that's got to be sorted out.

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ginnybag · 02/12/2009 12:46

Also, he may very well genuinely feel ill if he's taking co-codamol every day... because he's addicted to the codeine.

This is a very harsh suggestion (and I'm donning my tin hat suggesting it!) but
I assume you do all the shopping? Well, if he won't work and won't sign on, then your money is paying for everything and since he's not doing anything to earn it otherwise, I'd stop paying for things for him, including his painkiller habit.

Have a word with your doctor first, to make sure you won't trigger any dangerous withdrawal symptoms, and then, if they give you the all clear, just don't buy them. And don't give him any money to go and get them for himself.

If he needs them that badly, he'll have to go get a prescrption, won't he? Which will, at least, get him out of the house and into his GP's surgery. Who will, at the least, seriously control what he's taking and want to run other tests to find the cause for the symptoms. Chronic pain needs investugating, after all, and so do all those other symptoms!

It'll cause a row, naturally, but from the sounds of things, he's already willing to flip his lid over nothing.

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GypsyMoth · 02/12/2009 13:06

does he ever go out? socially,shopping ,doing things for himself etc??

what does he favour doing on the comp all day and night? what kind of sites? or gaming?

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Forthebest · 02/12/2009 13:14

I have asked him to go the GP and he keeps saying he will but he finds a reason not to go.

He is on the P.c till 3-4am. I am not suspicious that he is up to something with other women etc.

He is very angry at the moment becuase he has no money. I have basically stopped givinh him any becuase xmas is coming and I need every penny for bills, food and presents. He just doesnt seem to see that it isnt MY fault he has no money. He will NOT sign on or go to a GP about his illnesses. I honestly dont know what more to do.

I do worry about the impact on my DC. They have a father that sleeps all the time, or is on the p.c. He doesnt play with them or take them anywhere. Worse is the fact that I am teaching them it is ok to support a man and be a doormat....er no !!
They also know he is " ill " all the time. He says, daddy cant play he has a headache, or feels sick etc. They must think he is poorly all the time and now they worry about it !!

The sad thing about the birthday is that my poor 5 year old thinks its normal to have a father that sleeps on the sofa all morning. She opened her presents quietly so as not to wake him !! Oh I feel so bad. I am uselsss ! What am I doing to them !

The last row we had he threatended to leave. He said he had loads of plans that included making money and getting alife. He even said he had been invited abroad by a friend of his and would be tempted to go. he says all this to be cruel and try to panic me.

Just now I rang him to see if the party food has arrived for DC's birthday tonight. ( he would never go shopping I have to do it online ). He said it had and that he was exhausted.He is supposed to be picking them up from school tonight for me as I am working late. He said that the children would be the last ones collected tonight as he felt awful and couldnt face the crowds of parents. When I said that was unfair especially on her birthday, he sneered at me and said that there was no other option. !
Sometime she is so cruel just to get rise out of me ! This is to punish me for not giving him money and him not having any sleep I think .....So now I am worrying about how long they will be left at the bloody school gate !!

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toilettrouble · 02/12/2009 13:15

He sounds ill and difficult at the same time to me - both are possible, you know.

And being ill is not a blanket excuse for the sort of behaviour you're describing.

He's been living the good life - off you - for some time tho'. It needs to stop, which may not be a pretty process, because he's the one who's benefiting, and he's used to attacking you.

It looks as if he's slid you into a corner where you're the one who's going to have to issue an ultimatum. In order, I'd make these a) doc b) DHS c) marriage counselling.

I'm not surprised you want him to leave. But give a good try before you do.

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GypsyMoth · 02/12/2009 13:17

well its clear you can't go on like this,but it does sound as if he's embarassed by what he's become. what do his family and friends think and say?

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toilettrouble · 02/12/2009 13:19

"he threatended to leave. He said he had loads of plans that included making money and getting a life. "

And he won't do that with or for you and his family?

I think he's answered your question better than mumsnetters can.

By the way, I'd be panicking if he didn't leave.

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Forthebest · 02/12/2009 13:19

No he/we never goes out socially EVER.

He doesnt go shopping, I do it online.

he doesnt go round to friends.

If I visit my parents he will drop us off as I dont drive and NEVER comes in. If anyone visits he makes excuses and goes upstairs or makes tea and keeps busy in the kitchen.

He doesnt go to friends houses.

He has never been swimming, cinema, theme parks or the beach witn the kids. I do all that. We have been on holiday to a caravan but I used all the facilities, he drove us places. Oh no wait, we had a day out ( about 3 hours ) for the first time ever last year. he then stayed in the caravan for the rest of the holiday while I took the girls places.

He doesnt work so doesnt really have any friends apart from old school friends.

Scary isnt it. and sad. My life is so lonely. He wont take me out cos he says he cant stand pissed people so that rules out pubs, and clubs.

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ginnybag · 02/12/2009 13:30

Oh, Lord, the more you tell us, the more I'm inclining to 'just walk away'.

There is something wrong with him but whether that's fixable or he's just a kn*b, I don't know.

But this can't carry on. He's using you and he's using your children to control you.

Carry on refusing him money - why should you give it to him?

TBH, next time he says he's going, I'd shrug and ask him for the date. Cut off all avenues for him to control things, make him powerless and then see what he does. If he wants you and his children, he'll change. If he just wnats a free ride and an easy life, he won't.

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CarGirl · 02/12/2009 13:31

He really doesn't sound well but if he isn't prepared to seek help I would ask him to leave/start divorce proceedings as a catalyst to force him to make a decision over what he is going to do with his own life.

If he refused to change then I would continue with the divorce proceedings. What a miserable life for all of you.

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GypsyMoth · 02/12/2009 13:34

he gets angry you said,then ignore you and the dc too? emotionally abusing his children? i'd point that out to him!!

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