SAHM not a job?

[Leka]

I am a SAHM, living overseas with my SO and our 2.10 year old DS and his daughter who is 10 is here 2-3 nights per week.

Since DS was born DP his care has been 100% my responsibility. DP has never gotten up with him in the morning(at 6 a.m.) or suring the night, never bathed him, never changes his diapers, etc. He says he has to run a business and therefore cannot. Ditto with groceries, cooking, laundry, etc.

He gets up about 9, takes a BATH, gets to the office around 10 or 11 and is back at 6.

I don't have family here to help me and I find the hours relentless. I have asked him to help me - on the weekends - and he got furious - me tearful and ended with him pushing me and telling me that he didn't love me - reapeating it in case I didn't get it the first time, told me he was calling his mother to get a lawyer and that I should go back to my country without DS. I told him pushing is abuse and he got even madder and told me he didn't think I was very clever. He just phoned and apologized for the don't love you part. (But didn't take his words back.)

I said that raising DS is a job as important his but I never got a sick day, vacation, weekend. I don't think that it's too much to ask to help me when we're both at home on the weekend. He thinks I'm crazy.
Am I crazy?

[FabIsVeryLucky]

He is a bully and things will only get worse.

[Leka]

That's what I'm afraid of - he keeps telling me that I'm a whinger and a victim. I say I'm just really effing tired.

[theslightlypeckishcaterpillar]

No you're not crazy.

Sorry but your DP soundds like an arse. He shouldn't be pushing you, and saying things like that.

Your ds is his son too - he needs to step up and do his bit.

Having said that, he's clearly abusive, and that is probably not the kind of male role model you want for your son.

Do you have a friend you can go to? What country are you in?

[TheCrackFox]

I see that he works a "punishing" 7 hour day. He has got away with this selfish tosserey for nearly 3 yrs so IMO he is unlikely to change.

He got physical with you and told you that he doesn't love you. Nice.

Any chance you can go back to work? At least part-time.

[foxinsocks]

I would make secret plans to leave. Seriously. Make sure you know where your passport is. Make sure you either have one for ds or have the ability to get one (i.e. it's not tied to dh). And then I'd ask any family you have back home to book you a flight.

Then I'd plan a day outing (when the flight is) - perhaps do it a few times beforehand (the outing) so that dh isn't suspicious. Then I'd go to the airport and get on the plane with ds and get out of that situation asap.

Any man that pushes then threatens you like that (about ds), I would be seriously worried about. I'd hate you to be one of those statistics where you can't get your child back again

[Leka]

The Netherlands but I am American so it's not so easy to go home. I'm with him because I want to keep this family together and our first months together were so great that I keep (wishfully) thinking maybe things will improve.

[foxinsocks]

ah ok, that's a bit more reassuring, had a nasty feeling you were in one of the middle eastern countries where it's can be hard to take the children out .

[Leka]

I don't think I could abscond with our kid, I promised myself before DS was born that I wouldn't separate him from his sister. I'm tempted sometimes.

[Leka]

Thanks for your reactions. I know I'm not crazy but I needed to hear it and feel supported.

[giveitago]

This worrying - particularly as he's said you should go home minus ds.

Do you have ds's passport - what nationality is ds?

Are you married to this man?

Are you happy in the Netherlands - could you live and work there without him?

Make plans and make them now because any man who says I'm gonna call my mum to get a lawyer - you get out of the country without ds - tells me he might making plans - don't count on any support from his family if he's calling mummy to get a lawyer.

He sounds a horrible person - don't expect it to revert to your lovely first few months there - I don't see that happening - do you?

YOu are doing way too much. I hear childcare is excellent there- would you consider getting a job and a cleaner?

What do you do as a family at the weekends? Does he take you all out or is he just relaxing and you attending to everything - ie like in the week/.

What's an SO?

[Leka]

We are not married. Dh is not high need but he's one of those kids who require little sleep - in bed at 8:30 and up at 6, no naps, so I find me time rare and precious. I need more and I need DP to understand that it is very tiring. DS goes to play group so I get 2 hours free three or four times a week but when I get home DP is usually still here or someone is sick or the repairman is coming or whatever so I never feel like I have any uninterrupted time to myself and DH has a lot and I feel really resentful when that's combined with the fact that DP thinks because I don't earn money somehow my contributions are less valuable and my needs are not valid.

[giveitago]

OK, so it your ds a US national - if not he should be.

[Leka]

Ds has a dutch passport and his dad has the birth certificate so I can't apply for a Us one.

An SO is Significant Other (i.e. DP)Guess it's an American thing.

I am happy in NL but cannot work here - am illegal. (feel weird posting that)

[Leka]

PT - twice a week DP takes his daughter to school so has to get up by 7:45. I wake him - - it's takes a few efforts - and run his bath so he can stay in bed a few more minutes, while I'm getting DSD (?) ready for school and DS ready for playgroup.

He eats. No help washing up. He forgets to take his plate to the sink even.

Color me envious.

[LynetteScavo]

Leka, I think your DH might have been having a bit of a tantrum, in the heat of the moment, when he waid he doesn't love you. - Do you really think he doesn't love you?

YOu need to make it very clear to him either he helps, or you get some help in, either with your DS or the housework - so you can have time to yourself to feel human again. Or could you get a part time job?

Do you have many friends you can meet up with during the day with your DS?

Does your DH ever interact with your DS?

I've just seen he's apologised for saying he doesn't love you...giving hem the benefit of the doubt, mybe he's scared of looking after your DS...what is he like with his DD?

[Leka]

It's very messy. Because I'm not legal (though I am registered and have a citizens service number - not the same as a work permit or a residence permit)I am not eligible for any benefits so yeah I'm stuck

[Leka]

LynetteScavo - he gets tantrums all the time and thinks it's normal to say terrible things during an argument - he thinks I'm weird because it freaks me out. So you're right.

DP plays with DS and takes him every few weeks to see his grandma for a couple hours. He takes off downstairs when DS gets grumpy and he can't deal with it. I do think he is nervous about having DS first thing in the morning. I don't hink he'd know how to occupy him and, plus, Dh would miss his bath and that would be a big hardship for him (eyeroll).

[Leka]

I can't so much - I been here 10 years - quasi legally for the last two - meaning I'm registered in the council, but have not applied for a residence permit because I have a drug conviction. (I let some weed growers use a spare bedroom to grow in exchange for rent, they got caught and disappeared and I got left holding the bag, so to speak.)

So my application would probably be rejected so I am afriad of coming to the attention on the immigration services that I remained under the radar.

[MadameMoo]

Leka - you can get a certified copy of your DS's birth cert from the Gemeente Huis (Burgerservice afdeleing) in his place of bith, an original is not needed. Your partner doesn't need to be present.

Do you speak Dutch? You should be able to find some useful info here.