I believe I have been completely manipulated by my narcissistic adoptive father

[roseability]

Sorry to start a new thread yet again but I really need people to read this and reassure me I am not going mad

I risk being recognised but sod it - my story

My maternal grandmother and grandfather split up just before I was born. My grandmother had an affair with my grandfather's best friend. Whirlwind romance and quick marriage leaving my grandfather devastated. My grandmother had two daughters (with my grandfather). The youngest (my mother) became mentally ill just after having me. I was then adopted by my grandmother and her new husband and they cut my grandfather out of my life.

I believe my adoptive father is a narcissist and my grandmother a codependent, inverted narcissist.

My adoptive father had arrived on the scene out of nowhere having left behind a broken relationship and a son. He 'latched' onto the family and seemed to 'charm' my grandmother away. He was very manipulative behind the scenes of my adoption, in fact they both were. I believe their actions and manipulation made my mother's mental illness worse. I believe my adoptive father wanted to take me away from her for his narcissistic ends.

He bullied and verbally abused me. His delusions of grandeur include believing he played football for Northern Ireland with George Best, that he should have been an olympic champion but didn't have the backing and that he was friends with a famous American politician when he lived in New York (he never lived there I am sure, just went on holiday) who offered to make him a millionaire but he came home instead.

Fast forward a bit and he wanted me to live out his lost dreams. He pushed me into sport and had frequent rages when he would project all his vile insecurities onto me (I was fat, a fake and had an inferiority complex)

He never gives presents and hates receiving them. I always had thie eerie sense that he could be in a room with me and never actually see me, just a cardboard cut out of what I was meant to be.

The rare times he expressed love, pride or sorrow it felt wrong. Like it was an act to get what he wanted. Since I had my DS and he lost all hope of me becoming the next olympic champion he seems to have turned his nracissistic desires onto him. He is the best looked after kid ever. He will go far and is the most handsome (this really feels different to normal grandparental pride as my ILs are wonderful). He was very dismissive of my daughter's red hair as he cannot tolerate any perceived imperfections or weaknesses

He controlled my diet (would rage about my binge eating and then make me eat 5 slices of toast). He is repulsive around authority figures or people who he feels have money. He flatters them endlessly but it is tinged with envy.

My grandmother has lost herself and is just his puppet. I wrote a letter he replied by cutting me out of his life

Now he wants to apologise but it is so staged as he wants my grandmother to phone and hand the phone to him. I really believe he is terrified of cutting off his next narcissistic supply, my DS. What if he is successful? Also my FIL has a very important job so he can't bear not being linked to that I think

He feels the world owes him something and knows nothing about me really. When I tell him about my life or my son's life he has this weird blank expression on his face. He filters out was doesn't fit with the cardboard cut outs. He told people at his work that I was studying medicine (I am in another health profession) and would always put me off meeting his work colleagues if I had put on weight.

The saddest thing is that he came between my mother and me. He showed no remorse when she ddied almost looked relieved, like he had brushed off a pesky fly. He tried to turn me against my family (my aunt, grandfather) with subtle character assasinations and not so subtle ones - he accused them of trying to poison him!

Am I mad? I am on the verge of cutting him out but I need people's opinions who have dealt with narcissists.

I called my grandmother 'mum' which I believe upset my biological mother - is this weird?

I need to get it out there and get opinions. I recently met my grandfather for the first time and got a very different version of events. I believe my grandmother dissociates (makes up her own reality). She has also been narcissistic and I am not close to her at all. My aunt can talk about it after all these years

We are worried what he will do next

[Lemonylemon]

No, you're not mad. It is within your power to turn your back on them as I've said before. So do it.

Why are you worried what he will do next? He has no power over you unless you give him that power.

Your Mum would have been upset at you calling your gran "mum", that's not weird. You calling your gran "mum" is not weird. If your gran got you to call her "mum", then that's weird, but all part of their very, very bad behaviour.

You have the choice of whether to buy into their behaviour anymore or to start writing your own story (ie. live your life) for you and your DCs.

[mathanxiety]

"just a cardboard cut out of what I was meant to be."

He did this to you, and he is doing it to your DS too. He's a classic example of someone you should RUN from as fast and as far as you can, taking innocent and impressionable children with you.

Close the door on these toxic nut jobs and never think twice about it.

[llareggub]

Crikey.

You don't sound mad at all. He sounds toxic as anything. I've no idea about NPD but I'm pretty sure you won't do any harm if you cut them out.

I wouldn't advise big gestures though. Just quietly get on with your life without mentioning that you are cutting them out. I think these sorts of people thrive on drama so writing a letter or phoning to say that you no longer wish to be a part of their lives will feed their toxicness, I think.

Have you had counselling or anything like that? It might help work through your feelings. Best of luck.

[roseability]

I am receiving counselling yes and it helps hugely. I can't cut my grandmother out though, just can't do it. I don't want to make a big gesture but what if I calmly state to her that I don't want him in my life

[mathanxiety]

If she's the wimp you described, she won't be willing to go along with that. She seems rather under his thumb, and also from what you described, she seems to have participated in the cruel treatment of your mother, and stood by while your stepdad mistreated you, and still stands by while he insults your DD and idolises your DS. Has the question of your relationship with your grandmother come up in counselling?