Mum's new partner - are we right to worry ? (long)

[SueMunch]

I've been worrying about this for a while now but have come to the point where I need advice. I've talked this over with my brother quite a few times.

Our Dad passed away four years ago and we have always felt that Mum would and should meet somebody else. She went on a few dates and joined a club for people in a similar postition. I know that my Dad would never have wanted Mum to carry on alone.

We were really pleased when she told us she had met somebody and we looked forward to meeting him. On the first meeting this man was understandably nervous and quiet, but he seemed okay. This was well over a year ago.

In the many times we have met him since, the most we have heard from him are two are three words and these are normally when he is asked a direct question. Otherwise he is silent - he reads the paper or makes himself busy messing with his phone ? or sits silently.

From what we have managed to find out from Mum, he is in the process of getting divorced, but strangely lived next door to his ex-wife. He has two grown up daughters, one of whom lives in his house.

Since meeting him, my Mum has asked him to move in with him. He has been there for a while now but they are now looking to buy a house together somewhere. The reasons we are uncomfortable with him are quite varied and may come across as strange, but bear with me.

His apparent shyness has lasted well over a year now. None of our family are particularly loud or intimidating - but he simply doesn't interact with us. I have 3 young children and he has no rapport or relationship with them. Even when they try to involve him he simply doesn't seem to know how to speak to them or amuse them.

Other things have started to ring alarm bells with us. When he first met mum he had a car that went in for repairs a few months ago. This has now disappeared. He seems happy to let Mum drive him around but he is also driving the car himself.

Mum has now put her house up for sale but he hasn't put his on the market - apparently he can't because his daughter lives there. A key question we have is ? why can?t she move next door with her mother?

Myself and my brother both have concerns about how he is contributing to this should they receive an offer. Mum assures us that his trade involves a lot of 'cash jobs'. In fairness they have been on holiday a few times, but I haven't asked who has paid for them.

Before I go on, I have to say that this is not a case of someone not living up to our father. We know that it would be unfair to expect this. But something about him isn't sitting right with us.

My DH agrees. He has tried to engage this man in conversation about work, sport, hobbies, interests, current affairs etc. All he gets is a few words back then silence. My DH is actively annoyed with the situation as family events are becoming so stilted - its like meeting a new, nervous guest over and over. My DH is getting to the point where he doesn?t want this man around us ? he finds him both rude and strange.

Other family members are just taking offence at him - they think he is rude. And comments have been made about his reluctance to pay his share when going for meals, his lack of conversation and his rudeness. It?s so awkward but my Mum can?t see it ? it?s the ultimate ?elephant in the room? situation. My grandfather (her Dad) is getting to the stage where he is getting angry and is going to say something

My main concern is that my Mum is somehow being taken for a ride. She seems besotted by him, and although that aspect of the relationship should please us, we are starting to question the financial aspect of it and the fact we don't seem to know him.

On the occasions we have approached her about this she just gets very defensive and says things like ?do you want me to show you his bank account details?.

My DH feels that we should leave things and wait until something happens with the house situation. But I feel really concerned ? this is a man who we don?t know, has no friends that we know of, has a hazy background and we have never met his family, despite the fact he is almost 2 years into this relationship.

This is not a problem that has only been noticed by my immediate family - DHs parents think he is very strange, but are too polite to broach the subject. It's like my Mum has somehow been brainwashed by this man.

If it was just me who was worried I would leave it alone but things seem to be gathering momentum and I don't want Mum to get hurt.

Are we right to be concerned and do you have any advice?

[motherlovebone]

Sounds like hes skint and a bit embarrased maybe?
Could you invite his daughter for a family meal or outing?
you may not have met her because she is shy too.
Has he actually taken money from your mum?
Its all just speculation, and you have to be careful not to lose your mums confidence.
he sounds like a weirdo, hopefully your mum will come to her senses soon.

[clam]

Didn't want to let this pass without comment.

Sounds difficult, I agree. But things have already been said or hinted at, and she's got twitchy in reply.

Wait and see? Don't know.

Sorry, not much help, I'm afraid.

[LaDiDaDi]

He sounds very socially inept.

I can't imagine that from what you've said he would have the charm to be actively conning your mum.

I'm not sure what to advise, it's clearly making life very awkward for a lot of people but I think that you can only make sure that you try to ensure that your mum feels happy and able to talk to you about any problems she may have and that she takes independednt legal advice before selling and buying a house. I would find it odd, and more concerning, if there is no evidence of divorce from him yet he still buys a house with your mum.

[welshdeb]

Be warned

My fil met a divorced woman who had her adult son living in her house with her when they met. They got married shortly after and she moved in with fil. Son stayed in house as an "investment". They kept their finances separate. After a few years the house was "sold" (handed over we think) to the son after fil had paid for various repairs etc new windows etc. My fil pretty much financilaly supported her and she did not contribute much to the household expenses apart from some shopping. Fil paid off mortagage from his own money.
Marriage pretty much fell apart soon after (to be fair fil is not the easiest man to live with but thats another story)but she waited until they had been married 10 years to commence divorce procedings.
Fil didn't want to face up to the issues.
She wanted half of everything, including the house which my dh had been brought up in, as she had "nothing" as she had spent or salted away any money she did have.
In the end dh got fil a better lawyer who said since fil had lived in house 40 years and had only paid a few thousand for it she was not entitled to half only a share of any increase in equity since they married. Fil had to sell his home to pay her off and as they had been married during the property boom it was a big cheque.

[DSM]

How have you never met his family? Has your mum met his daughters?

He sounds socially awkward, presumably he is chatty when he is alone with your Mum?

[unavailable]

How long has he been "in the process of getting divorced"? What stage are proceedings at, and why is it taking so long?

Have you met the daughter? What is her situation? Could she not buy the house off her dad if she wants to stay there? Is he planning to "gift" it to her?

I dont expect you to answer all my questions OP , its just my roundabout way of saying ... this would sound alarm bells for me too.

I think you are right to worry and your mum's defensiveness when questioned about him makes me think she knows thins arent quite right but is not willing to face it.

Dont be too polite to ask awkward questions.

[MollieO]

It doesn't take a year to get divorced. That part and the reason for not 'selling' his house would concern me. How do you know he even owns the house he lives in - his daughter might own it and be delighted at the thought of him moving out. You can check property ownership at the Land Registry. I'd do that for starters.

[MollieO]

sorry the quotes should be around 'his' house

[KnackeredOldHag]

Sorry, but having seen my mother in a similar situation, I would be concerned too.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do, but keep an eye out for her and if it all goes wrong, be there to support her.

My mum got ripped off by a complete con-artist who gave up his job shortly after they married (he didn't like it...), allowed her to buy him a "new" car, allowed her to pay tens of thousands towards his mortgage. Apparently he had no family apart from his ex-wife and son. He claimed his ex-wife was unhinged. Actually she wasn't, she was just telling how badly he had treated her.

If you tell your mum you don't like her new man, you will drive a wedge between you. Let him know (quietly) that you don't trust him and are keeping your eye on him, then just make sure you are there for your mum if she needs you. As a warning, a typical con-man trick is to isolate victims from their friends and family so he may be trying deliberately to not make a bind with you so that you say, "well sod you then" and leave her alone. If you keep an eye on him and he turns out to be a good guy, no harm done (and he'll want to prove himself to her family), if not, at least you can be there fir her as soon as she needs it.

[diddl]

It does sound concerning, but I also wonder why your mum shouldn´t "carry on alone" if she wanted.´

Can´t she cope without a man in her life?

[purplepeony]

Have you asked her what she sees in him?
Can I ask how old she/he is?

I somehow thought you meant they were very old- say 70s- but I wonder if he has a DD still at home if they are just 50s?

Have you thought of inviting them to your house?

That way, his ineptness might be more noticable even to your mum.

I don't think you can bite your tongue- I'd be inclined to take her out for lunch and have a good heart to heart. She might well be defensive, but later she might reflect on what youhave said.

[SueMunch]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies.

Mom does get very prickly when I try to raise my concerns.

purplepeony - mum is 54 - she had me when she was 18, so she is relatively young. This man is a similar age.

unavailable - as far as we know, the divorce has gone through but we have no idea of why his house can't be sold other than his daughter lives there. I have my concerns about this aspect of the relationship.

The thing about hin being socially inept and shy is fine to a point, but more and more members of the family are coming round to the opinion that he is simply rude.

I think maybe the best thing to do is keep an eye on the situation, especially if it comes to them moving in.

It's just this silent aspect of him makes people think the worst.

[SueMunch]

Also meant to say, Mum has met his daughters once. We haven't met them and it has been well over a year now.

It also strikes us a strange that he now lives with our Mum but they have never visited him there - it's seems that he is trying to keep them at arms length. Although I realise they may not particularly want to see him.

[sowhatis]

i think you need to speak to this man and arrange to meet his family, arrange dinner as someons aid previously.

[toilettrouble]

Hmmm. I share your suspicions - like you, I don't feel too comfortable with this story, but at the same time I couldn't pinpoint any specific wrongdoings by your sort-of stepdad. Which isn't to say there aren't/won't be any.

In terms of financial risk, however, your mum will only be up against it if she marries this man. Co-habitees don't have rights to each other's stuff if the relationship splits up (at the moment).

However, the problem now seems to be that the relationship is still on the go - indeed hotting up - and that sort-of-stepdad isn't paying his way. I don't think you're imagining this - if other relations have even mentioned it in passing, that's pretty bad. Surely the gent would want to make a decent impression on his new lady's family - not stiff them for the bill? Couldn't he use some of his plentiful 'cash in hand' to pay at those outings?

It's wildly tricky and sensitive area, and I don't envy you the job of tackling it. But aa 54, your mum needs to think about her retirement & funds for it. Could you use this as a tactful way into a discussion about the relationship?

[NanaNina]

Agree with all the posters here but especially with the one who suggested a heart-to-heart with your mum. If she is getting defensive when you mention concerns (as about the money) this I think is a sure sign that she too is secretly worried and doesn't want to admit it - this is one of the reasons why people get defensive.

I think you need to calmly talk to your mom about your concerns and don't back off if she gets defensive, because this is what people who get defensive want you to do! It usually works quite well. I think you need to "plough on" gently but firmly, stressing that you are all just "looking out" for her and need to know that she is not being taken for a ride, or soemthing like that. Even if she doesn't agree with you (and she might not) IF there is an underlying problem she will know that you know and that is important. People in situations where they re being exploited (and I'm not saying that she is) often want to keep it secret and this makes things worse of course. SO I say give it a go and talk to your mom - you might need to do it more than once.

It will be hard for your mom (if there is something wrong) to have to admit it to her kids and she may feel embarrassed about it.
Re his demenour, I suppose he could be shy and trying to get shy people to "open up" and chat usually just makes them worse, but could you not ask your mom about this, and ask how he is in other situations. He too might be embarrassed and wonder if you feel he has taken your dad's place and doesn't know how to handle it. BUT I think the possibility of exploiting your mom financially sounds quite real to me.

[purplepeony]

OP- I am the same age as your mum! Glad I am still "relatively young"!

I think you should have a heart to heart and say how you feel. She might love this man but surely she loves her family too?

I wouldn't advise you to attack the topic aggressively, but maybe ask her how she wants the relationship to progress.

It's hard for us as outsiders to know what has already been said- is it possible that you have all "nagged" her without really tackling the topic?

Usually if people are defensive it's because they know you have a point.

Ultimately though, it's her life.

[Anniegetyourgun]

XH did a lot of cash jobs. Netted him about a fiver each because he had no idea how to cost a job or the notion of profit. So he was permanently skint. I asked him once, shortly before we divorced, what he would have done if he hadn't married me. Well he said, he could have gone to live with THIS woman who had her own house or there was THAT woman who owned a business or there was a group of women who offered him a place in their communal bedsit in London ... what I meant by the question was how he would have kept himself, but I suppose that was the answer.

Oh, and my family going on about him just made me more stubborn in his defence, so watch out for that.