Mumsnet Talk

Dp is really upset it ended with us leaving the house and me telling FIL I don't want to come oover anymore and I don't want him around my dc's anymore.

Me and Dp were in the kitchen at Mil/Fil, Mil was out me and dp were having a little dig at each other nothing nasty just a bit sarcastic/jokey type things then in walks FIL (who might I add has hated me since I first met Dp 6 years ago) comes over to me gets right in my face and tells me to 'shut up and stop disrespecting?!? his son'.... Now maybe I over reacted but I just said 'who the f**k do you think you are and what do you think give you the right to talk to me like sh**' then 2 mins of nasty arguing followed and he kept saying 'get out of my house your not welcome here' (MIL + Sil now walk in after going to the shop) and all they hear is me and the dc's walk out and me shout ''I know I am now welcome here you have made that quite clear over the last 6 years and I won't be coming back I don't want you to have contact with the dc's anymore and if MIL would like to see them she knows where we live''

Now Sil has send DP a nasty message saying Mil is in tears I had better apologize to Fil now?!?

I have no intention of making an apology as I am not sorry.
We were ment to be going on holiday with them on the 4th (dp's work's do and they were coming along to look after the dc's) It is all paid for but I am not going with him, we did the same last year and he was horrible to me the whole time.

Dp has said he just doesn't know how we are ever going to resolve it, he is really upset as him and Fil are quite close and he doesn't want to tell Fil he was in the wrong (even though Dp has said that he was out of order and he knew what he was doing would start an argument)

And to make thing worse ds was crying saying he will be sad if they can't see grandad anymore But I feel as though he just bad mouths me and treats me like shit and I don't think it is good for the dc's to be around someone who shows soo little respect to their parents.

quite right, stand your ground!

oh dear - sounds like some space from the whole situation is needed.

ignore texts etc and let your dp deal with it.

maybe you could talk when all has calmed down

Your fil was out of order, but sounds as if he was enraged by your treatment of dp - who presumably he felt the need to defend.

Why does your FIL hate you? What is it based on?

And why did your DP not intervene before things escalated?

I think you and your FIL both over-reacted badly.

OMG

And I bet this was a long time coming and so given the chance to prepare your point you'd have put it another way?
If so, been there - I was right with my issues - but actually it's made things worse.

Don;t see that you should apologise - does he always get involved in your marriage - and are you and dh having problems?

1, dh - not nice position needs to sort this out - you are the mother of their granchildren - end of - you need respect too.

2. can your dh take kids to gps house - do you need to go as well?

3. works do - if he can sort it out now so that there is at least civility whilst there?

4. if he thinks it OK to intervene like that when you're having a petty spat then he needs to stop.

Possibly mil is crying as she understands your point of view?????

What does dh propose to do.

Have your little ones calmed down now? If they like their gps they need to maintain contact with them.

Seems to me there are two issues here - (1)FIL butting in to a bit of banter and DP not telling him to back off and (2)the on going feeling of being disliked by FIL. Ideally I'd meet up with FIL with DP in tow and only if you feel you let yourself down by swearing apologise for that, "I'm sorry I swore at you now I'd want to discuss our relationship and how we can take it forward for the grandchildren's sake" - along those lines. Do not sidetrack in the "you've always hated me" style. Be specific and stick to your guns about establishing new boundaries. If FIL wants to explanin his reasons for not liking you, so be it, you can't make him explain and is he really worth it? Personally I'd be wary of anyone who starts an argument of the 'you're disrespecting me' genre, that's just a smoke screen to bring out the dirty washing. I'd also be wary of leaving my kids unsupervised with such a immature individual/family.

Fil hates me because they are very middle class and very old fashioned he is the man of the house he knows more than anyone else and if anyone dares to question him he hates them.
I grew up on a council estate in a very rough area and speaking your mind and sticking up for yourself was the only way to get by, since then I have realised how bad it was there (I left school and didn't even turn up for my exams) and I have turned my life around got myself an education, job, house, 2(soon to be 3) beautiful dc's and lovley dp .... but I still have my old traits I speak my mind I don't hide my feelings (somthing that MIL DP and SIL always do they wouldn't dare say anything to FIL) so when he is talking utter bollox I will butt in with my opinion.

Dp said he didn't intervene because he was getting the dc's shoes and coats on to get them out and into the car. I think he just doesn't ever like to challange his dad, His dad still refers to us as children he doesn't treat me and DP like adults/equals.

Well OK he's sounds a snob but I think it's not great that he thinks he can jump in at any time to tell you off.

My mum once jumped in with dh - but he was being verbally abusive to me - she didn't want to kick him out of the house but just made it clear he was being a bully.

Your FIL however seems to think that a bit of bitching between husband/wife is excuse enough to jump in and lay down the law? my mil is like this and I'm planning on telling her to feck off pretty soon.

DH needs to get a grip on this situation.

The bit of banter between me and dp was dp bought dd in when I was making cake mixture in the kitchen and said you have to hold dd I need to do somthing...... So I said why are her legs broken can she not walk? .... Dp then walks back in and I said can you take her back now because I am doing somthing here ... To which he replied 'why are her legs broken' in a really stupid tone.. Then I just said your an Idiot.. Cue Fil coming in from the front room to shout at me?!?!?

Things will look different in the morning,
i wouldnt do anything at the moment.
not wanting to get your back up, but perhaps you and fil are similar kinds of characters who dont take shit.
perhaps this row could pave the way for some honest discussions and better relationships.

Always a bad idea to squabble in front of others - especially the in-laws.

Sweeping generalisation, but most middle class/older generation wouldn't understand calling another person 'an idiot' unless it was a huge fight/huge insult. Just not part of their 'banter' vocabulary......which probably explains his strong reaction/defense of his son.

I agree don't do anything now other than make sure your ds is ok. I would also leave it to your dp to sort out. A conversation needs to be had but when everyone calms down. So try to relax, cuddle your dp and ds and don't let your FIL cause further grief in your house tonight. I know easier to say than do!

Stopping him seeing his grandkids is OTT, children shouldn't be used as weapons. I would refuse to meet him again unless he apologised as I think this does warrant an apology. Letting your husband take the kids round to see his parents shouldn't affect you though.
Was alcohol involved as you all seem to have got very worked up about nothing in particular, especially FIL who sounds a bully?
Let your husband deal with it and make it clear you should not be spoken to like that by his relatives.
MIL's crying is irrelevent I would ask husband to tell hus sister that it is his dad who needs to apologise and the fact that MIL is crying doesn't make it your fault, I hate it when people cry and immediately get injured party status.

I don't think youf DP's father is a snob. I think he is a bully.

Nothing wrong at all with having a bit of banter in front of anyone, it wasn't a full blown row. Even if it was, the father has reacted ott.

I would do nothing at the moment and certainly not apologise.

Gosh, you all sound awful tbh!

You called your husband an idiot in front of your daughter, you said "fück" and sh!t to your FIL!

I realise ther is more to it than just that one incident.

But your FIl was reacting to one incident, you were reacting to years of resentment.

I think it was up to your husband to deal with your FIL, or for you to have reacted more calmly.

You could perhaps apologise for the language you used if nothing else!

You accuse him of treating you without respect, but if he constantly sees you trating his son like this, he clearly thinks you don´t deserve it.

He was the one who reprimanded you and then told you you weren't welcome in his house.

I wouldn't bother waiting for an apology. I just try and tune him out. Hard as he is your partners father, but blurr him around the edges. There, but out of focus.

Don't analyse everything he says and does. But I certainly wouldn't go round to his house and 'play' happy families. He is the one who toppled that facade. So now HE has to live with the consequences of busting open that facade. Sounds like you were playing along.

HOWEVER you are not totally off the hook. DOES he have a point? do you and your partner undermine each other and mock eachother/? that is a terrible habit to get in to.

Tell your parnter that you want to change the tone of things and you won't be mocking him or undermining him from now on and you'd like him to really try and do the same.

I don't think either of you come out from this well TBH.

" but I still have my old traits I speak my mind I don't hide my feelings" Perhaps you would do better to dump that particular trait I find people that say they call a spade a spade are usually simply rude. Being careful what you say is a useful skill - it's also known as tact. It isn't hard is you use a little self-control and thought.

I think you both need to apologise to MIL, DP and your son.

Your FIL sounds like a meddling bully, but equally not hiding your feelings and speaking your mind generally aren't helpful qualities either, particularly with ILs. I find these types of women end up the MIL from hell later down the line.

Agree completely with OrmIrian and diddl.

Read their posts again and have a think.

I think you should consider the fact that this incident culmintaed in your DS crying because you were shouting that he will never see his grandfather again.

However provoked you were , your instinct was to use your child, without any consideration for his feeling, as a weapon.
That is pretty vile

You also say
"so when he is talking utter bollox I will butt in with my opinion..."

Why do you see it as important to sneer at him? He maybe a fool but I suspect that you ( like most of us) are far from perfect. I find a lot of people pretty tedious but seldomn abuse basic good manners by feeling the need to butt in for the sake of it.

I wonder if you could stop feeling so 'chippy' things might be easier for everyone. I suspect that if one day your DS brings home a girlfriend who feels the need to sneer and butt in whenever your DH speaks you will get pretty defensive about it too.

I have in-laws who were horrified that DH married me. I decided that my best retort was to out good manners them which I did. It kept the peace, kept my children happy and above all I felt that I was supporting my DH in the best way I could.

Could you maybe try to be better than they rather than resorting to fighting them in some sort of pissing contest?

Alot of hate in this family already.

Needs to be sorted and fast - you don't have to like one another BUT for the sake of dcs who appear to value their relationship with gps all sides need to behave better.

However, your fil doesn't sound likable. He sounds like your dh needs to deal. I'm middle class but I also speak my mind at times because quite frankly with some people it's impossible to be diplomatic with hateful people - it goes over their heads.

Your ils in general sound OK as you are cooking in their kitchen? You guys close?

Feel for your kids here. I loathe my mil and sil - but in front of ds I am insipid as he seems to like them a bit so it's not my place to destroy this relationship - mil is doing a good job by herself. But if she's rude then when alone with her I tell her what's what - not that she acts any better, People are people - some are complete w*nkers and the majority of families have the odd w*nker.

<applauds pagwatch>

Pagwatch: the voice of reason!

Agree with pagwatch only in that don't use dcs - the rest - only so much you can put up with then it has to be said (away from dcs) and it doesn't work then the fight goes on.

Ils are not there to be fetted - they are they to join in dthe family - not you join in with their's.