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Relationships

feel so low

40 replies

fraggletits · 14/11/2009 20:28

I just don't know what to do anymore.

DH and me just cannot stand each other. Everything I do is wrong (from the food I cook to the way I organise myself to the clothes I have for the kids to the way I go about running the house) and everything I say is wrong.

He says that I lie and twist and turn and that talking to me is like talking to a politician - but I feel that he has made me extremely defensive.

He says I'm negative, a failure with no ambition and that I'm dragging us down as a family. He wishes he'd never married me - he just fancied me sexually when we met but he now realises it was no basis to marry somebody and have children with them and that next time he would go for somebody with brains.

I read some peoples posts here and think oh he's not bad in other ways - for instance he wants me to have a social life and a career - he loves it if I go out - he's not jealous - he's not into porn or anything sleazy - he would never cheat on me and he's not an alcoholic or into drugs

He is under a lot of pressure being self employed and we've been in a financial nightmare for a long time.

FWIW - I am disorganised. I can be a bit messy. I can be defensive. I can bury my head over things sometimes, I am a bit depressed and down at the moment. I've lost my identity - I'm a SAHM with no money.

But I'm a good person. I'm laid back and kind and caring and funny. I love my kids and feel blessed to have them.

Next year he is going to start working away 4 days a week and I cannot wait. It's just at the moment I don't know if my sanity can take it until then but unfortunately I have no other option but to sit it out

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MistyRuby · 14/11/2009 20:41

Hi fraggle.

I'm sorry to hear how low you're feeling right now. It must be very hurtful if he really does say things such as he wishes he'd never married you?....can I ask, are these hurtful things said in the heat of the moment during an arguement, or does he repeatedly say such things?...

I'm just thinking that it sounds like maybe he is very stressed about providing for you all, if he's under a lot of pressure with work?

Perhaps he doesnt really mean that? You say you are laid back, caring and funny....you love you kids and sound honest and down to earth from what you have written.

Could it be that the marriage is just going through a rough patch, and that hurtful things are being said as a consequence of stress?...

I wish you all the best and hope things eventually sort themselves out. x

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fraggletits · 14/11/2009 21:37

Thanks misty - we are going through a rough patch and have been for a really long time (4 years).

It is stress, money and no support related but I feel like things really are over this time. I don't think we can come back from this anymore. He's making it pretty clear that I'm not good enough and he deserves better. Tonight he was looking at me with such hatred and muttering under his breath

I just feel like I don't have the energy to keep putting on a happy act to people anymore. I've got to get through Christmas with my family, a friends wedding and tonight I just feel really

maybe I'm deluded and actually am a complete and utter loser.

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Dominique07 · 14/11/2009 21:43

Could you manage some 'dates' doing things together, bowling, cinema, swimming with the kids, walks... I think that 'doing' things together is important, even if its difficult.

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dittany · 14/11/2009 21:47

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fraggletits · 14/11/2009 21:57

that sounds nice Dominique - not sure it's us at the moment though.

Dittany he has been physically intimidating when in a rage (punching doors, throwing things) but he has never hit me.

I meant we don't have any money as a family - all our savings and spare cash have gone into the business. We are literally just surviving at the moment. I look after all our finances. I think if we had money in the bank I would have moved out by now or he would have got himself a flat.

I know I'll be happier next year. I'm going to get a part time job and join some clubs and things as my Mum retires then and so will help me out as a babysitter. I'll get an identity.

It's just hanging on til then. I drink a lot of wine to blot things out.

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dittany · 14/11/2009 22:43

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dittany · 14/11/2009 22:45

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fraggletits · 14/11/2009 23:16

thanks very much for that Dittany I'll have a look at those.

what's keeping me here? fear, a sense of duty to my kids and to our families - having no money and not being able to work yet. I'd always believed that things would get better once we have money (I don't have that belief anymore) too much shit has been said.

I suppose you end up believing the things that are said as well. I'm always thinking that I must do better.

You're right though that I'm in the same situation as him and I haven't resorted to bullying.

I dream daily about being single.

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dittany · 15/11/2009 16:15

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NanaNina · 15/11/2009 22:21

fraggletits - that's not a nice nickname by the way! I do feel for you and what you are going through. This sounds like a classic case of an angry controlling man who cannot regulate his emotions and the only way he "copes" with his own frustrations is by "hitting out at you" AND over time this has the effect of sapping your self esteem and making you question whether you are to blame. These kind of men more than half know that this is the result of their behaviour and that it will prevent the oppressed woman taking action to separate/divorce.

It is worrying that you are resorting to alcohol because that is only masking the problem and will make it harder for you to separate from this emotional bullying man.Incidentally what do you know about his childhood experiences as that is where all these troubles have their roots. Did he have a controlling parent who wa overly critical and made him feel no good. I'm not trying to suggest that is an excuse for his behaviour but these behavioural traits get passed on down the generations. You might stop to think that your own children will also pick up these traits and pass them on in the same way.

If you look on these threads you will see hundreds of posts from women who have been in your situation and got out, and I've never yet seen anyone who has regretted it. On the contrary all talk of the peace of mind and better lives they and their children have. However it doesn't seem to me like you are yet in a position to leave and don't possess the emotional strength that you need which is a shame. However your time may come and I sincerely hope it does, as these kind of men rarely change.

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ChunkyKitKat · 15/11/2009 22:23

fraggletits - Just something you said "...actually a complete and utter loser."

It's rotten to think like that, a reaction to the abuse you're getting, but surround yourself as much as possible with supportive people who will reassure you that you're a fab person.

You have to survive somehow until you are in a position to move on, if that's what you need. Your mum sounds great. Can you confide in friends who will support you?

BTW, the best of us are disorganised and messy, but still get things done!

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TheUsefulSuspect · 15/11/2009 23:26

Ditch him, and find someone who loves you for who you are not what they think you should be, don't let him destroy your spirit.

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autumnlight · 16/11/2009 11:24

This sounds horribly like what my H has said to me, ie emotional bullying, always making it clear he could have done better but has made do with you etc. Not good.

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fraggletits · 16/11/2009 12:22

Thanks so much everyone for your replies.

I've been trying to find the online version of the Edward Lundy book 'Why does he do that' as there's just no way I could order it and have it in the house.

Does anyone know if there is one?

I have zero self esteem. My dad was an abuser/name caller with a temper, my 2 boyfriends before Dh were abusers and name callers - one violent where we almost had to get a court order.

They all have a confidence in common I'm realising. I'm attracted to an initial confidence in a man as I think I feel lacking in it. And they are attracted to my submissive nature.

It's pattern following. I'm not mentally ill as Dh would have me think. I think I've realised that I can read all the self help books in the world about getting self esteem, they're not really going to help. The only way I can help myself is by getting myself a job and a life and a proper support network.

!

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autumnlight · 16/11/2009 13:26

Just thought I would add that I too have been attracted to what I thought was 'confidence' in a man. However, I have realised that after alot of experience of abusive relationships, that so-called 'confidence' was merely 'arrogance'.

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NicknameTaken · 16/11/2009 13:55

The Lundy Bancroft book can be downloaded here: pdfdatabase.com/download_file_i.php?file=14124606&desc=why+does+he+do+that+.pdf
(although be careful if your H has access to your computer).

If you can't/don't want to download, at least have a look at the checklist here:
www.hipmama.com/node/17513
Remember, he doesn't have to tick all these boxes to be an abuser. My ex was supportive with my work and not jealous of me going out, but he was still abusive in other ways.

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dittany · 16/11/2009 14:25

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TimeForMe · 16/11/2009 14:38

Dittany is right when she says you getting a job, joining clubs etc is not the issue. Yes, these things will give you confidence and you may feel more able to cope with your situation but these things won't change your H. You may even find that he becomes more abusive and controlling when you start to get a life outside the home.

Having said that I do think it's great that you are thinking of taking steps in which you can increase your self esteem

Keep posting!

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fraggletits · 17/11/2009 00:19

Thank you so much Nickname and Dittany for the links. I have been doing what reading I can throughout the day and like you Nickname I can relate to an awful lot but then there's stuff there that doesn't relate as well. Does not mean it's therefore not abuse.

I remember early on in our relationship noticing that if we had an argument - dh would very quickly move on from the topic we were arguing about and literally character assassinate me, completely rip me apart and in doing so remove all my rights and any reason for me to have any defence (usually by dragging trivial mistakes of mine up from the past to validate my uselessness). Each and every time. It's certainly a skilled way of arguing as it leaves your opponent completely drained and confused.

We're talking in a more civilised fashion this evening but at one point last night he was punching his head and screaming at me saying I drive him insane. I've been through this so many times now that I know I'm through the worst and his mood is lightening now and we'll probably have a week or 2 of getting on really well and then it will all fall apart again over some other mistake of mine or whatever.

I feel different now though - I'm so tired of feeling constantly aware of him all the time, always watching him to see if he changes from happy to unhappy about something, always trying to make him happy in the home, never knowing what the mood will be when the key goes in the door. What really hurts is that we could go on to have a good 2 weeks now of getting on well, even a month and then he can just turn and become vile about something not to his liking.... and that's always been the hardest for me as I'm so consistent in my moods and hate arguing.

Like I say I feel differently this time, like I'm not craving to be friends again after a rough patch, like I have a new awareness and sort of see things through different eyes.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to post links and give advice. I really appreciate it and posting here is really helping. And Nana - yes I think I will be namechanging at some point soon

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dittany · 17/11/2009 00:28

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NicknameTaken · 17/11/2009 10:32

I agree with dittany, this is not normal or acceptable behaviour by him.

You say: "What really hurts is that we could go on to have a good 2 weeks now of getting on well, even a month and then he can just turn and become vile about something not to his liking...."

This is a pretty classic example of the cycle of abuse. Have a look at this link: helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

You do have an option other than to wait it out till next year. You don't need money in the bank to go. This is not a good way to live.

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fraggletits · 17/11/2009 12:26

one thing I get from reading all these links is that it is hard to see the situation you are in when you are in it.

That cycle of abuse makes for uncomfortable reading. The 'setting you up' especially. I can't imagine him fantasizing about what I've done wrong and when he'll next have a go at me.......but then, one of my (many) complaints against him over the years has been that it feels like he throws things back in my face -

an example would be I suggest going on some sort of day out on a Sunday, I'm not fussed if he comes along or not but he agrees to come along (but I have no idea it is begrudgingly as he has work to do or doesn't feel like it) and then when we get there he becomes moody and sullen and when I question him about this he lays into me, humiliating me, that I've forced him to be there at a cost to him and then not talking to me for a week after. That to me is such a familiar behaviour. I have had such a go at him over the years about this. Just to tell me straight if he doesn't want to do anything, don't let me walk 'blindly into the abuse' in other words.

Yep - very worrying indeed and something I didn't really get until now so thanks very much again for posting up that link.

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fraggletits · 17/11/2009 12:28

one thing I get from reading all these links is that it is hard to see the situation you are in when you are in it.

That cycle of abuse makes for uncomfortable reading. The 'setting you up' especially. I can't imagine him fantasizing about what I've done wrong and when he'll next have a go at me.......but then, one of my (many) complaints against him over the years has been that it feels like he throws things back in my face -

an example would be I suggest going on some sort of day out on a Sunday, I'm not fussed if he comes along or not but he agrees to come along (but I have no idea it is begrudgingly as he has work to do or doesn't feel like it) and then when we get there he becomes moody and sullen and when I question him about this he lays into me, humiliating me, that I've forced him to be there at a cost to him and then not talking to me for a week after. That to me is such a familiar behaviour. I have had such a go at him over the years about this. Just to tell me straight if he doesn't want to do anything, don't let me walk 'blindly into the abuse' in other words.

Yep - very worrying indeed and something I didn't really get until now so thanks very much again for posting up that link.

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NanaNina · 17/11/2009 13:11

Fraggle - how about calling yourself "lovelyfraggle!" SO glad to hear that things are starting to change "in your head" so to speak, as you talk of a new awareness in relation to your H. I think this is really important and could be the first step in taking action towards a better life. You have been emotionally abused for a long time and it will take time for you to see things differently. Men like this are scarey to live with and I imagine you are afraid of him, which is unsurprising. I lived in a r/ship like this once, many years ago when I was a young mother. When we are scared it paralyses us to do anything about it.

Like you I looked for signs as to his mood etc and tried to make everything right. The thing is though as you will know only too well is that you can never make things rights because he will always find something to start a fight about.

I noticed you said that you had started to change in that you were not always aware of his mood etc. Thing is I think r/ships are a bit like a script for a play, with each playing their "part" and the other knowing the other's part in the "play" - this may not be a conscious thing, but at a sub-conscious level your H will know that you are watching his mood and always trying to keep things on an even keel and this allows him to continue to play his part in the "play". This goes on in all r/ships and can be harmless but in an emotionally abusive one, it is harmful and perpetuates the dynamic if you see what I mean.

SO you could try changing the script. I have come to believe that A can only change B' behaviour by A changing their behaviour. You could try this out in small ways. Whatever it is you do when rows start, (you will know only too well) you could try to change - do something different (it doesn't really matter what you do, the thing is it has to be something completely different) so that your H will notice. Have to warn you it might make him more angry/frustrated because he will be used to you doing what you always do and will be confused.

To give an example I worked with a woman in a similar situation and she always used to cry and get really upset when her H turned on her. I suggested she just open her garderning book that she loved looking at and just ignore him and look as though she was reading it (she had a little post it note in the book saying "I must ignore him") and let him shout and rant. She tried it and said he was totally confused and kept saying "why aren't you crying".............etc etc. It's just a way of changing the dynamic though it's not a solution of course.

The other thing is we each have a favourite role in a r/ship and your H's is persecutor and yours is victim I suspect. Persecutors can only persecute because there is a victim willing to let him. Once the victim begins to stand up for herself this has to change the persecutor's role BUT it might make him more persecutory as he will not give up his role easily, so it is al a bit fraught.

I suspect underneath things your H feels a failure, insecure and indeed feels about himself all the things he is projecting onto you because this is what men like this do, though again maybe not at a conscious level. It allows them to "escape" the pain of facing what they feel about themselves. So he too is living a miserable life and change needs to come, for both of you.

What do you know about his past - did he have a controlling/bullying/overly critical parent? This is often at the root of this kind of behaviour.

Sorry for long post - I get a bit carried away but hope your new awareness continues and sending you strength through the keyboard!

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fraggletits · 17/11/2009 13:54

Thank you Nana! That is such an insightful and helpful post and I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of that to me.

From your obvious wisdom you have described us so well.

H is miserable and frustrated and trapped in the hell of self employment. There is an end in sight of selling the business but that is not going to be for another 3 years at the moment. We are living in a horrible rented flat with no money and he is projecting his failings and his guilt onto me.

His father was very aggressive and critical as a parent to H.

I like the gardening book story but the thing with us is that we have 'whether H is going to make a success of our lives or not' hanging over our heads every single minute of the day. We are all wearing hession shirts and flogging ourselves daily because of this.

None of the abuse is for 'no reason' in his mind - it all has the same message behind it which is 'must do better'. Every single one of my actions has a consequence (or seems to have a consequence) which can have serious knock on effects, such as me not keeping the kitchen cupboards organised means h cannot think properly when in there ever at the weekend, which then slows him down work wise which then makes him fall behind at work.

If he pulls me up on this in his charming manner, we fall out terribly, we assume our persecutor/victim roles and this misery we are all living in slows him down at work and makes him fall behind. It's a never ending cycle.

I supported H starting his own business but I never signed up to this.......although, the abuse was there before the self employment, it was just about different frustrations he had of me back then, so there you go!

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