You never close your eyes when I kiss your lips anymore

[MillyMollyMoo]

How do you get it back, that romance or spark ?
We've never had any child free time together before and I kind of feel that I have 7 months before the next baby comes along to pull my marriage together before it's too late.
Moneys tight but frankly I am prepared to find the cash to get us back on track.

[Bumperlicioso]

So you are 2 months pg? Were you trying for a while to get pg again? DH and I have been trying for 6 months - nothing like regimented sex to drive away any passion! Sorry that's not advice, I'm watching with interest for any you get.

[busybutterfly]

Hang in there. Young children/pregnancy can make romance disappear but if the feelings are there it'll come back. Good luck. x

[flibertygibet]

haha..the title of your post made me laugh MillyMollyMoo because my dp always told me off for CLOSING my eyes!!!!

The romance CAN come back but i think you have to work damn hard at it and never take anything (or each other) for granted.

My MIL kept insisting during ds's first year that dh and I should go out on our own together. I thought she was just being controlling and wanted to have ds all to herself (sort of true!) but she was so right! We started having regular Saturday nights out..sometimes just out for a meal and a walk and we'd be home by 10.

But it meant the world to our relationship to have just a few hours of being just us.

Can you set up a regular 'date night'. If money's tight, could you swap babysitting duties with another family?

[StiffUpperHip]

Am with you on that ban, Lequeen, though I've always thought 2 years should do it.

MMM -In our house, things improve when we play more music. I forget how much he loved his music when we met, and sometimes it gets pushed out. Just putting an old cd on, of some band I've never heard of, works wonders for the mood of the house. Starts interesting conversations too.

[Bumperlicioso]

Ooh, good advice everyone, especially LeQueen

[mummee09v]

have child free time. that is sometimes the hardest thing to do but it is also the most important.

do you have reliable friends / family that can babysit??

if so book some nights out!!! even nights away if you can. me and my fiancee have 2 kids, 3 and 6 months and we go out at least twice a month together. and have been away for the night 3 times since DD (youngest) has been born 9and are off again this weekend WHOOP ) and on the weekends when we don't get to go out we get a few couple of bottles of wine in and just have an evening of music, chatting and having a laugh.

so even if you can't get to go out - just make the most of your evenings together once the kids are in bed (obv as you are pg at the mo u can't drink) but just switch the telly off and TALK to eachother! who knows where it might lead ;)

another thing is i think as far as sex etc goes, the more you do it the more you want it so seize every opportunity for sex (even if you feel tired) and i guarantee that spark will be back!! even if you think you are too tired or frazzled just grab him and start kissing him - that doesnt take any energy - and i am sure you won't get any resistance from him lol! and I am sure that pretonce you have been snogging for a few minutes you will both want more.

also I always make sure I look good, both for myself and DP, (ie make up on, clean hair, shaved legs, never wearing slobby clothes etc, nice underwear etc) and as a result i feel good about myself which makes me feel like a sexy human being even tho i have 2 kids running me ragged all day.

hope this has helped and sorry if i have rambled lol xx

[MillyMollyMoo]

I think this is 99.9% of our problem actually, DH is a crap kisser in 9 years he's never been able to kiss the way I want him to, that's not a good sign is it at all.
We only ever have sex from behind so he can't kiss me because I hate it.

No babysitters or family, we don't stand a chance do we ?

[Malificence]

You hate him kissing you so you will only have sex with him behind you?
I'm sorry, no wonder there is no spark, he must feel like he's having sex with a blow up doll.

No kissing = no real intimacy, kissing is (almost) as good as sex - if he's not doing it "right", have you told him how you like to be kissed?

[thedollshouse]

I agree with LeQueen. Our relationship has suffered since we had ds 5 years ago (currently pregnant with number 2). It is mainly down to financial pressures, dh can be a right moody person and I know that it is down the pressures that he faces both at home and at work. I also feel I have lost my way since having ds, I don't feel sexy or interesting and because I feel that way I send off "don't touch" vibes to dh.

I have a plan to start a business with a friend after our second baby is born. If successful it will bring much needed revenue into our home and boost my confidence. Once we are back on financially and I have regained my confidence I am sure our marriage will thrive.

I know it is easier said than done (I don't follow my own advice) but if babysitting is an issue can you set aside one "date night" a month? Buy some posh food from M&S, pamper yourself with nice smellies, get a good bottle of wine, set the table and have a few hours when the kids are in bed when it is just about you and your dh?

[Hullygully]

Milly. You MUST tell him AT ONCE how to kiss you (tactfully). You are being horribly unfair. Unless he is a great big pig in which case why are you pregnant?

[mummee09v]

oh god millymollymoo - i am sorry but i agree with malificence!!

and as malificence says, can you show / tell him how you would rather be kissed?? kissing is so important, me and dp are always snogging, i can't keep my hands off him and vice versa! its a real shame that you have been allowing this crap kissing for so long!!

i dont mean to sound awful but are you sure you still fancy him??? do you enjoy sex with him?? coz it sounds like you kind of just, "put up with it" from your description.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Kissing is where the intimacy lies - it is no secret that a lot of sex workers will do anything BUT kissing.

If you can honestly say that you've never enjoyed kissing him, I don't think this will ever get resolved, but I'd struggle to imagine ever wanting to pursue a relationship with someone if this fundamental thing was always so poor. If on the other hand, the truth is you've got other resentments buried away and that since you started resenting him, you've hated kissing, then I understand it - and it can be remedied.

This actually seems like a far deeper-rooted problem than your original post suggested.

[MillyMollyMoo]

I know it's unfair on both of us, I have shown him how I like to be kissed of course I have, but he does what he wants to do.
There's just no sexual spark whatsoever, I don't fancy him at all and do just put up with it, I wish he'd have an affair if i'm honest, he probably will one day.
It's dreadful and all the babysitters in the world aren't going to help

[Hullygully]

If you're serious, this is really really sad. Show him this thread.

[MillyMollyMoo]

I think that would be a very bad idea at the moment as neither of us in a position to do anything about the situation so the staus quo will remain for now, it's helpful to see it in black and white though and something will have to give after the baby is born

[mummee09v]

oh millymollymoo i feel so sad for you.

i have been in a similar situation with my ex husband - ie, didn't really like him let alone love him, didn't fancy him, couldn't bear him to kiss me, no sexual spark etc

somehow i got pregnant and through the whole pregnancy i knew it was wrong i was with him. then when my son was a few months old i finally asked him to leave.

that was 3 years ago and i couldnt be happier now, my son is now a very happy, bright little boy of 3, i am engaged to my new partner and we have a little girl who is 6 months old.

i guess i am just trying to say that maybe you should think about whether you want to waste any more years stuck in this relationship that you are unhappy in???

feel free to keep posting, the ladies on here are brilliant. i am so glad you have found it helpful so far.

take care hun xx

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Actually, I feel sorry for both of you Millie. From his point of view, he might feel he is more trapped than you. I can't imagine he's happy either, especially if sex is this inanimate and cold. He probably longs for someone who desires him, respects him and wants to kiss him passionately. But if he leaves you, he'll lose daily contact with his children - and if he has an affair, everyone will make him out to be the bad guy - which is also apparently what you want, Millie. Why on earth do you want him to have an affair if it's not to take the heat off you for ending the marriage?

It's difficult to advise on this because I can't imagine even pursuing a second date with someone who didn't kiss me properly, so to think of marrying that person and having children with them would be so left field for me. However, I'm sure you must have had your reasons Millie, but that doesn't mean this situation has to continue. It's not fair on you, your H or your children. I can understand your not wanting to be on your own while pregnant though - and indeed if your H is a decent man, this might be why he's staying put for now too.

In your earlier posts, you seemed to be suggesting that you felt that something might still help. What do you think that is? Do you think counselling would help?

If on the other hand you think that nothing will cause you to have strong feelings for your H (and they were never there anyway) then do the decent thing and don't wait for him to be the bad guy.

[mummee09v]

good advice whenwillifeelnormal. i would have written that if i was more articulate lol

[MillyMollyMoo]

I think we both agree we're good mates (friends) and reasonably good parents, but we aren't a couple in any way shape or form which is so sad.
You're right it would be so much easier for me if he went off with somebody else and I wouldn't be pointing the finger or blaming him if he did.
He is unhappy I know that, but ot just with me, most of his life is upside down right now.
I also know that things are not normal right now, we've had some right ups and downs over the pregnancy, I am a complete cow when pregnant as it seems are many of my friends, not feeling too bad about that.

Equally I wonder if that's just life and other people just live their lives being friends with their partners and nothing else, that's certainly been alluded to by friends and family.
The truth is nobody would be better off in the short/medium term by us splitting up and equally nobody is being abused, shouted at, hurt, so what do you do ?

[Malificence]

I honestly don't know the answer to that one.

The early child rearing years in a marriage are the toughest, no doubt about that and if you were both happy with the situation I can see the sense in just being friends and co-parents. The truth is that neither of you are happy though.
One question I have to ask - why did you both decide to have another child?

Just because others can live their lives being friends but not lovers, that doesn't mean you have to. You partner should be your friend and your lover - if you don't love him in that deep and special way ( and vice-versa) you will always feel "cheated" out of a proper marriage.

[MillyMollyMoo]

I wanted another child and he went along with it to make me happy and then last week he had a complete wobble decided he didn't want another baby and kicked all this off.
Once he'd calmed down and I decided I wasn't having an abortion no matter what he's decided he'll stay in the marriage (I was basically saying if I didn't go ahead with the pregnancy after it had been planned and he'd had every opportunity to say no then I couldn't remain married to him).
Now I keep looking at him and wondering how the hell we're going to get through the newborn days when everything is hard, the toddler years etc.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I wouldn't be so sure that no-one is being hurt, Millie. And just to be clear - I do think if he had an affair, that would be very wrong - and while you might not blame him, loads of others would - and rightly too. Having an affair is the coward's way out of a marriage.

I wouldn't pay the slightest attention to friends or family who are alluding that this marriage is normal. It isn't - and absolutely doesn't have to be this way. A marriage without intimacy sucks - it's a waste of life and a terrible example to children, who learn all about forming romantic relationships from their parents and other close adults.

Often people will tell you this is normal, because they have too much invested in that belief themselves. If they dared challenge their own relationships, they would have to make some difficult decisions too, so they go on deluding themselves and others that this is life and that we should all get on with it.

No-one should live a life without passion, intimacy and great sex. I hear what you say about your pregnancy hormones altering your behaviour, but you also admit that in 9 years, you have hated the way he's kissed you. What you are feeling might be exacerbated by pregnancy, for sure, but it sounds like these are pre-existing problems.

I understand too why posters downthread spoke of the early child-rearing years being fallow - at that point you were not declaring the true nature of your problems and it is so true that even in the best marriages, intimacy can be subsumed by infant childcare.

This doesn't sound like your problem though Millie. In a few months time, this situation is going to get immeasurably worse because you will be subsumed with the new baby and managing the needs of your other child - and an already neglected marriage is hardly likely to get better against this backdrop.

If your friend or daughter was in this situation, what would you advise? If your son was in a relationship with a woman who felt the way you do, what would you advise?