Am I wrong doing this, ex thinks I am, but I think its reasonable?

[mummytowillow]

I've been split up with my husband officially for 4 months now, I moved 300 miles back to my home town with our daughter who is two. We have settled down nicely, in a lovely house, I've got a decent job and were both doing OK?

My ex has stayed down South and travels to see DD whenever he can, he stays in hotels (his choice), I will never stand in the way of them seeing each other and do anything I can for them to stay in contact. He is a wonderful daddy to her and she adores him. However, I have been letting her stay in the hotels with him and it is confusing her, she comes back and is distraught that her daddy has gone, I can't do anything with her, in fact she was so hysterical last time I had to take her out in the car to a friends to calm her down?

So I've decided that he can now pick her up in the morning (anytime) and bring her back at six, bath her and put her to bed. He has flipped his lid and said this is not fair! He is not the one who has to deal with her when he has gone, I'm not stopping him from seeing her, he has her all day and the next day to, but I think its unfair for her to be staying in different hotel rooms (he is so disorganised he leaves it to late booking to get the same one)! that its going to confuse her?

Opinions please good or bad??

[henryhuggins]

i think maybe she needs pictures of daddy from when she was a baby up to now, pictures of them both doing things and pics of just him. of course she's going to have a hard time leaving him due to the lack of understanding about time.

i don't think it's fair, but I'm not in your situation, hopefully someone else will have good advice

[AnyFucker]

I think you are doing the right thing

like you said, he is not the one who has to deal with an upset little girl

it is very fair of you to offer him the opportunity to put her to bed at your place

am not sure why he has flipped, surely once she is asleep that is it for the night wrt interaction with her

and then in the morning at a hotel, it will be a bit rushed to get checked out etc...

[Hassled]

I think you're being absolutely fair enough. Give him a bit of time - it seems to me to be in the best interests of your DD, and if he's a good father as you say he'll work that out, I hope.

[mummytowillow]

Good suggestion on the pics Henry, will dig some out, because I haven't got any out of him as I don't really want to look at him! But I can put them in her room, thanks

[HerBeatitude]

Can you explain to him that this isn't an attempt to curtail his time with her, but an attempt to manage contact better, so that she isn't so disturbed by it?

He is probably thinking that this is the beginning of you trying to "ease him out" and that's why he's mad about it. But if you explain that it really is about her welfare and actually, you'd prefer to let her stay with him because it would give you some free time, but this isn't about what you or he want, it's about what's good for your DD, and as she gets used to him going away, maybe you could then start doing the hotel rooms again, this isn't forever, as she gets older she'll be able to visit him in his place, but you need to manage the contact for now this way, and if it doesn't work you'll have to try something else, then maybe he'll be more amenable to your arguments.

[ChasingSquirrels]

could she go and stay with him at his house, for slightly longer periods?

[ChasingSquirrels]

i mean, rather than in hotel rooms etc?

the issue doesn't seem to be her spending time with him, rather her missing him when he goes - this is entirely understandable, but I don't see how limiting the time they spend together will help this, other than easing him out of her life.

[CowsGoMoo]

I think this is totally fair and is what is happening with my ex at the moment as his flat burnt down. He collects them after breakfast at the weekend, returns them at 6.30, helps with bath, story, bed then goes (hooray!)
My children are 5 and 10 and even at 10, my son does not need his life disrupted, his bed, bedroom are at home with me. Stability in their little live is paramount, especially as my dd was 4 when her daddy got up and left, one day he was here the next gone, it troubled her for a very long time after and it was me who picked up the pieces every night when both of them would wake, upset etc.
Pictures are a good idea... my son chose to hide his though as it upset him too much.
makes me very sad

[CowsGoMoo]

If he lives 300 miles away and she is only 2 thats an awfully long distance for her to be moved around though CS isn't it? Hotels certainly are not the answer though, that will just be so confusing for her, bless her she is only 2. I hope that your ex can come round to the idea of caring for her at your home and that she sleeps in surroundings known to her. I think you are also great for letting him do this, it can be very difficult when marriages break down.

[Campingqueen]

I think you are being unfair.

What you are dealing with is the grief that her Daddy is not with her all the time. Is is difficult to deal with, but I think rather than curtail his visits you might try and sit down and discuss with your ex the best ways to help her cope with the loss.

[ChasingSquirrels]

well, if my ex had moved my children 300 miles away from me, and then didn't want me to have them overnight I would be fuming aswell. I don't know the circumstances of the split nor the move. But it sounds like this father is trying to see his child, who also wants to see him.
But it is never going to be easy, on anyone, is it.

[Surfermum]

Maybe it isn't the hotel room that's the issue, maybe it's just that she will be distraught that her Daddy is gone even if he were to stay with you, so it's an issue you are going to face regardless.

I don't think having her in the hotel is ideal by any means but I can see why he's upset. Put yourself in his shoes. He hardly sees his dd because you've up sticks and moved her 300 miles away from him. And now when he does come to see her you're restricting that too. From his point of view he probably cherishes every minute he spends with her, even if that is with her asleep. And I bet they love waking up together.

[AnyFucker]

cs, I think there are very good reasons why the Op moved away with her dd

[moondog]

Terrribly unfair of you.
Sleeping with and waking up with a parent is very important or else he might as well be a random uncle.

Poor bloke, doing his best for his kid and being blocked by you.

[HerBeatitude]

The other thing to remember is, that if he does agree to your suggestion, this may not solve the problem of your DD being disrupted and you may find that she continues to be upset. As CS says, it's never going to be easy and however you deal with it is v. disruptive for her. But I do think hotel rooms are not a good option.

[ChasingSquirrels]

there probably are - from the OP's point of view. But from the father's?

think the OP is unreasonably, for reasons set out more rationally by others.

[mummytowillow]

But I'm not stopping him from seeing her or curtailing his visits, he can put her to bed and then go back to his hotel room, she would only be asleep in the room anyway, he has the choice to stay at my house but he is such a stubborn bloke he refuses to sleep on the settee til I get a spare bed!!

He lives 300 miles away thats a long way for a little girl to go for a visit with her dad for a weekend? He also works shifts and weekends so that would be difficult?

His other ex-wife makes his life a misery about his other two children and I promised him I would never ever use our daughter against him or bad mouth him to her and I will keep to that, I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't, oooohhhhh!!!!!

[AnyFucker]

unless there is proper shared access, I really think that sleeping with/waking up with both parents at this age is not a viable option (in these particular circumstances)

the bloke in this case should really have thought about this before he did what he did....

I don't agree with punishing blokes through dc, before anyone starts on me

but don't so many of them think with their dicks/fists/abusive gobs etc and don't put the dc first while they are actually still in a position to do so ??

[Surfermum]

But from his point of view the contact is curtailed. He won't be with her. Maybe he wants his contact uninterruped without her to-ing and fro-ing between you. That would be unsettling for her too surely?

How did you see contact working out when you decided to move?

[AnyFucker]

to those posters who think OP is being unfair...

would you rather she had hung on to be near him, isolated, lonely, with no job and no family support

while he embraced the single life again, right under her nose ??

think about it...

this question has been posed before on MN, and the overwhelming consensus is that you should move back to where you will be supported by family/friends wrt childcare/emotional support/ability to go out to work etc

[Snorbs]

Depending on the background to you splitting up there may be (from his point of view, at least) very good reasons to not want to sleep in your house that have nothing to do with stubborness. There's no way on earth I'd spend the night in my ex's house.

By moving 300 miles away you have already massively curtailed his contact with his daughter. There may be good reasons behind that move but the fact remains - it's bloody hard to maintain good contact with a small child over that kind of distance. By your own admission he travels up when he can, but now that's been happening for a bit you're looking to chip away at a bit more contact (as he is likely seeing it). Overnight contact may not be a big deal for you as you have her overnight nearly all the time. He doesn't.

I can understand the difficulties that arise from this sort of thing and I'm not saying that you should necessarily bend over backwards to give him everything he's asking for. But I think you do need to put yourself in his shoes for a moment and think about how you would feel if the positions were reversed.

[HerBeatitude]

The OP has made it clear that he doesn't sleep in her house not because he finds that creepy and inappropriate (which I could understand, it's how I would feel about my xp sleeping in mine) but because he doesn't want to sleep on the sofa, he wants her to buy a spare bed.

Can you buy the spare bed now, or get him to instead of a maintenance payment, so that it's ready for his next visit?

[mummytowillow]

Anyfucker - You have read my other posts!

This may make it clearer of why I moved 300 miles, I had PND was terrible and a bitch to live with, had counselling, took the tablets and I'm a new woman, however he thought it would be OK to find someone who 'understood' him pah!! He refused Relate counselling, made me live with him in the same house for six months til we rented it out, which was torture as I love him but he was awful to me? I moved because I couldn't afford to live on my own, even with the money he gives me, my parents and friends live here and they help out with childcare. He did say he was going to move up here to, but then decided it wasn't the best thing for 'him', since when has whats best for him come before whats best for his daughter!

If he lived local he could have her all the time as it would be more settled for her?

I do a 70 mile round trip to work, took half the pay I had before, pay high rent on my own but do this because its best for my daughter, but I'm not punishing him because of all this because as I said earlier I would never do this to him.

[Surfermum]

I'm simply responding to the OP and what is being said on this thread. I have no idea what their history is.

[AnyFucker]

yes I have mtw