anniegetyourgun - i was responding to the poster and my post was not the whole story by any means!

I did not have counselling purely as a result of my parents splitting up, but as a result of divorcing myself... however, I do believe that marrying the wrong person in a rush was partly rooted in my parents splitting up. I don't blame them at all for this, I was an adult. It is good to be honest and say that such a big change in a family is bound to have effects which it may be useful to talk about - but counselling is not right for everyone.

I would say in my case that my parents splitting up was in some ways a relief as they had seemed so unhappy together for so long - life actually made more sense when they were no longer together. That's not the case for the OP though, clearly.

anniegetyourgun you make a good point there.

My family life was brilliant and it is this that I miss. My childhood was utterly lovely. 2 loving parents and siblings. We had no idea that my mum was unhappy and that she wanted to leave. She waited until we were older teenagers to leave. My Dad is still convinced that some of her friends persuaded her to leave without giving counselling etc a chance. They never rowed and we never experienced any of the nastiness that goes on in some divorces. This is probably why in my head my old family life is very rose tinted.

my parents divorced when i was 18, they waited till iwas grown up and finished school but hadnt oved each other for years.
thatmade it hard on me, to accept they were togther just for me and unhappy because of me and also i had to start work with new people in a very unhappy time in my life.
i wish they had divorced sooner, not when i was a tiny child and needed them but definitely much sooner, they could have both been happier.
now i get on with my stepdad great and my dad is single again but involves me far too mush in his lovelife which as a daughter i dont want.
my main probelm is my parents wont attend the same events so i have to choose at every event which 1 to invite, including dds birthdays christmas and even her christening.
as a mother that hurts a lot, they made my life hard and now are affecting dds too.

Mean my parents divorced when was 22. as an only child they got me way way too involved and I feel the affects of that now.

However, it was 22 years of a hard slog and almost 20 years on after the divorce I feel I wish they'd divorced earlier (annie take note) BUT I came to terms with the fact my mum was an abandoned woman in a culture that doesn't recognise divorce and so I had to support her and my dad had a baby very late in life and almost cut me off.

This I came to terms with quickly.

I made an effort with baby sister (due to 25 year age gap thought of myself as an aunt rather than sis) - she's 16 years old now - a complete spoilt bitch who hates our dad and hence me and my ds and I've kind of let go of that one. I didn't ask for it but I made a big effort for her sake but if she's now not interested - well, yeah, whatever.

Dealt with ALL of this -but with the arrival of my OWN ds I feel bereved more now than ever - with time issues I loathe having to spend twice the time getting my ds see his gps - my little sis doesn't even recognise her nephew - my ds - and my dad is so torn but has a hell of a teenager on his hands cannot see my ds as much as he'd like.

I am jealous that my ds has her complete family that she doesn't appreciate and my ds doesn't. It IS a loss whatever your age - but I think that when dcs come along you feel the stress more. Without even saying, my ds understands that my dmum now has a partner and NEVER says anything about her to my dad. And he never says anyting to my mum about my dad and I SWEAR to god I've never said a thing to ds about my family situation. I hate what he's already picked up on. DS shouldn't be that diplomatic at 3 years old.

No answers but I feel for you. Complicated families are, erm, complicated. Also you want to give your kids a bit of your history and it's hard when your parents aren't there for you but around.

No solutions here but some of my experiences.

Now this thread is interesting, looking at the number of times people have come on here for advice about splitting up and being told that children are happier with two separated parents than two parents who don't want to be with each other. As a divorced parent myself I do believe that, though as my parents, and XH's, were married to the end of their days I can't compare what it feels like from the child's point of view. But this thread shows the other side of the coin.

It could be because the parents of the posters here worked hard not to let any differences between them impact on the children. Therefore you would be mourning a family life that was real and nice, but which the parents couldn't sustain once they didn't have to hold it together for their children. After all, if they were "good together" in other ways they would not have split up. And although they never stop being your parents, I'm sure you would not expect them to put the rest of their lives on hold once they'd done the important job of seeing you through to adulthood. Indeed none of the posters on this thread reads as selfish, but it is understandable to grieve.

So what do we divorced parents do to help our children come to terms with our divorce, at ANY age? Counselling is good, of course, and I'd encourage mine to do that if it helps, but I would hate to feel I'd driven them to it, as it were.

I received counselling via my doctors...i had to wait about 8 weeks. It helped at the time but once it was finished and then the next 'let down' happened i feltstraight back to square one. As you say, if you get along wiht their new partners then great but if not you end up suffering.
My mother is marrying her new partner next week. I am not attending. It is causing a huge rift, with my mother blaming the unhappiness of my siblings on me not attending (my siblings are fine with my decision). My mother had an affair, whenmy father and I confronted her she told me she woudl never speak to me again, and that I was 'dead' to her How do you get over your mother telling you that??? She never alologised and ignored me for 2 years before contact was re-established.

You are entitled to help, as much as anyone else and it shouldn't affect you in regards to insurance stuff. Get yourself on the list.

I found it quite interesting in that they didn't focus on reliving the past (which was very painful) but focused on how it made me feel and what I could do to make things better for myself. I found it very helpful, but in a way I didn't expect.

Duke748, yes it was the insurance type of thing which worried me about going to the doctors and also that they won't take me seriously, as I wouldn't say I am depressed, suicidal or need anti-depressants, which i am thankful for, and therefore realise there will be others who need NHS counselling more than me. However, I feel I need someone to help me sort out all the shit I am carrying around in my small head and am also aware that if its not dealt with, but cast aside, then one day, if other hard times come my way, I might be a bit worse off coping wise.

Halfmumhalf biscuit, thanks as makes me feel better someone else still affected after so long too.
I feel like I need to get a grip, as I am a mum now and that's what matters and I am 34 and should be able to cope with whatever life throws at me now (and I generally do) but I guess I never really dealt with the whole family loss thing properly. To make matters worse, my brother is emigrating to Oz this xmas, partly his way of dealing with having no family. I get on well with him, but live several hours away, so only ever saw him 3 or 4 times a year. But that felt good and now it can be no longer, which I am gutted about.

Just regarding going to your GP - I also got help from NHS regarding family issues. It helped me make some really important decisions. Sadly it took a suicide attempt to get me to the top of the queue.

Anyway.... part of my job involves sorting out life insurance for people. The insurance companies find out if any depression was to do with 'external factors' and take this into consideration. Seeing as you are not even this far, I really wouldn't worry about it. I don't know what other reprocussions you would worry about?

The sooner you get yourself on a list, the sooner you can speak to someone about it and get things a bit more settled in your own head.

x