...I have posted on here many times under various different names. I had to stop for a while as Dh found lots of my posts, terrible things about my deepest darkest thoughts, and it has taken me a long time to work up the courgage to come back.
I suspect that things weren;t right from the start. Little things. Mainly just very bad arguments where things got flung (by him) and there was lots of name calling, door slamming, a need for me to always be the one to apologise.
And it has mainly stayed this way. Only over the 13 years I have learnt to keep quiet. Countering the arguments always made them worse. Although I know it also makes things worse to keep quiet I feel that this is much better than arguing back. I have turned myself into a dorrmat during these times. I should have stood up for myself but now it seems too late.
His mum jokes about when he was a young boy, he would have his "red rages" where he would get so worked up that he turned bright red. I should have taken note.
I progressed with the relationship because most of the time he was and is a lovely guy. More one for the grand guesture than the every day stuff, but thats ok.
I have sufferend from depression. I am selfconcious and a bit introverted, I worry about what other people think of me a lot.
The arguments have been fairly regular. And with them the little bits of name calling and put downs. Mostly that I am immature, selfish, lazy, don't think about him enough, don't make enough time to spend with him, don't want sex enough, don't initiate sex. I have taken all these on board and got to a point a couple of years ago when I started self harming because I believed I was a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Exactly 2 years ago there was a physical incident in front of my daughter. I can't forget or forgive this. We tried Relate but were told we couldn't come back when they learned of the incident. We attended a domestic abuse course together (it was just one day) which was excruciating. Nothing has changed. He was supposed to go on a longer DA course but made excuses not to go.
Most of the time it is still just the arguments that are the bad times. He has not been physical with me since, but he does block my passage from a room, and he does hold my wrists (lightly but securely) when he wants to get his point across.
I now go to work full time and he supports me in this. I also have a regular activity one evening a week which he has been encouraging about.
However I was seeing a counsellor and he very much did not like that. He would ask all the time about what we had talked about, and when I stopped going after I missed a few sessions he has not suggested I go back! He hated me talking to my counsellor and I know he also hates me talking to my best friend about things.
I am living in a bubble with him. I make all the right noises but I feel like I am dead inside. I can't move on. I was going to leave 2 years ago, I really was but I don't know why I just didn't.
I can't talk about any of my real feelings with him for fear of starting off another argument, and I suppose really I am afraid that he will really lose it again.
To make things worse I am due to have some very personal surgery soon, I am very scared and embarassed. I haven;t wanted sex for a while because it is uncomfortable but have done it for him. The nearer to my operation the less I want it. And to be fair he has generally been quite good about that, but everytime he makes it clear what he wants and I have to reitterate my not wanting to I just feel worse about it.
I feel like I don't want him with me for the surgery but I can't tell him that because he will twig my real feelings.
I should also add that I probably haven;t really wanted sex in the last few years anyway, mainly because I feel like he has betrayed my trust in him, and that I am living a sham marriage.
I don't know what I expect anyone to say to all this. I have read such terrible things on here and my lot isn't really so bad. But I can't seem to get over it. Either I should just get over it, or find some inner strength to do something about it.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Its still not that bad...
notaloud · 01/11/2009 21:22
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