DP emailing other women from online dating sites and excessive drinking

[onebyoneNOTfourbyfour]

Hi

I'm new to this site and am at my wits end with my DP of 2 years. I'm also 13+2 pg with my first at the grand age of 42, DP is 40 and in the armed forces.

At the beginning of this year I accidentally found evidence of his hotmailing other women and getting emails from dating and swinging sites. I was absolutely disgusted and felt like my world had been wiped away from under my feet. I confronted him and he denied everything. I then kept and eye on things on the computer and he has deleted a lot of stuff but I did find he has multiple profiles on sites and multiple email addresses. Last month I even found explicit photos of his private parts that he'd emailed to other women last year, and emails he's sent to other women as recently as August this year. After confonting him again his excuse was it's all a joke with his armed forces friends and I wouldn't believe the things they get up to. I was incredibly upset and think this excuse is all a load of bullshit quite frankly.

He's been away all week on a course at a base elsewhere in the country and today I've found that as soon as he was back yesterday he was online and emailed another women called Natalya to say thanks for her message and he hopes to hear from her soon!! Last night he also didn't come to bed until 1.45am this morning after consuming 11 cans of beer (his usual is at least 6-8 per night).

There's tonnes of other stuff but it would take me an eternity to write. I don't know what to do. I love him sometimes but a lot of the time these days I don't. His temper and language when he's had a few beers (most nights) is absolutely vile and I'm scared about confronting him again.

On the positive side, we live in a house that is 100% mine so I can actually tell him to leave.

Should I confront him about his online infidelity and drinking and say it's got to stop for the sake of our baby?

[GypsyMoth]

All I can say is that he won't stop simply because there is a baby on the way. Sorry to say, but I think this is not going to stop or go away if you confront him with ultimatums. He'll just go to further lengths to cover his tracks.

[Malificence]

An unequivocal YES to your last question.

He's 40 years old not 18 and his "excuses" are pathetic, he's an idiot if he thinks you'll fall for them.

His heavy drinking is bad enough, I would be tempted to tell him that you are going to have a word with his CO because you are so worried but I understand if you are too frightened due to his temper and the fact that you are pregnant.

Any man that can do what he is doing, doesn't deserve to be a father and I would think it impossible that he will ever change, given his age. What kind of life will your baby have if he has zero respect for you at what is supposed to be the most wonderful time in your life as a couple?

[diddl]

Yes to the last question.

It seems very immature to me,tbh.

[Lavenderfleurs]

Oh you poor thing! I second what IloveBISCUITS said he won't change. He will get worse and worse, especially once you child comes along and there is even more strain put on the relationship.

I personally, having been through something very similar would put a stop to it right now in a very firm and forceful way. I would tell him to leave immediately and have all his things packed for him. Sending an extremely clear and hard message that this kind of behaviour will NOT be tolerated. My ex used to phone sex lines and drink excessively, this went escalated to him actually being unfaithful and drinking every single night until he passed out, he too was verbally abusive when drinking and this went on to being all the time. Take a stand if you feel able to. I wish I had.

[Malificence]

Does his base have a wives club or a SSAFA branch where you can get some support?

The thing that riles me the most is the fact that heavy drinking is pretty much universally accepted in the forces, my hubby left 13 years ago but it seems that little has changed. We saw so many marriages end badly because weak men can't say no to the forces "lifestyle", we're pretty sure my husband lost out on promotions etc. because he was a family man and not one of the hard drinking "lads".

[mankymummymoo]

My god, you sound like me four years ago.

My ex was the same (except it was other women), drinking, appalling behaviour.

I think partly it boiled down to him being scared of being a parent (I was 38 and he was 50 at the time).

I left two weeks before DS was born. He would never have changed and it was making me ill and was potentially harming DS.

I have absolutely no regrets. Coping with a baby on my own was far, far, far easier than coping with a baby on my own (which is what it would have been like) and with ex to deal with too.

I now have a beautiful four year old and a lovely DP...

You have to put yourself and your baby first.

[citronella]

Another with relevant experience here.

Agree, he will not change and unfortunately you will be unhappier and unhappier.

As mankymum says coping on your own with a LO is far easier than coping on your own with a difficult (to put it mildly) DP/relationship.
On your own is not easy, no way, but it is a happier life than dealing with a crappy emotionally abusive relationship as well.

[6feetundertheGroundhogs]

Nip this in the bud now, tell him to leave. Perhaps it will be the boot up the backside he needs to make a change.

Only consider letting him back when he has really tangibly made that change.

If he doesn't change after you have kicked him out, then you made the right decision in getting rid of him.

Be brave, don't put up with this shit.

[HelishAngel]

I really feel for you having to face all this especially at a time when you need love, support and reassurance. I'm 39, 17+2wks pg and sent my cheating 42 yr old asshole of a bf packing about a month ago on similar grounds. Only difference is we were not really living together at that point...so I had a lucky escape.

This kind of behaviour (made easier for them to indulge due the wonders of modern technology) just shows their lack of commitment and fear of responsibility. We deserve better chick! Do yourself and bubs a favour and show him the door. Sending strength and positive thoughts your way! Good luck!

[TheNextMrsBuble]

I've just found this OP of mine from 18 months ago and wanted to say a huge thank you to all the lovely people who gave their advice and support.

I also wanted to post a small update and maybe it will help anyone else in a similar situation realise that there is another option to being in a bad relationship.

The DP mentioned is very much an EX-DP. I chucked him out when DS was 8 weeks old and have never regretted it, it was so very much the right decision. Being a full time working, single mum with a beautiful DS is so much easier than being in a relationship with the EX. And of course my DS does not have that vile man as a role model.

The ex hardly bothers to see his son. I think it's been 3 times this year so far. Something that does annoy me but at the same time it is his loss and my DS doesn't know him and so won't miss him. And yes, the CSA have also done their job too and I have the maintenance via a Deduction of Earnings Order.

My situation isn't ideal but it's a whole lot better than if I stayed with that vile man for the sake of my son.

[Malificence]

I'm so glad you kicked him to the kerb, he's shown exactly why you did the right thing in the way he's failed at being a father.
It's nice when people come back and give an update, good luck for the future , your DS will grow up proud of his mum I'm sure.

[loopylou6]

What a lovely update. Proud of you op. :)

[annieatnofour]

Well iam four weeks into this, after finding my h of 17 years still on swingers sites etc.
I discovered this four years ago and he left but came back with promises of changing etc. Over the four years i kept finding him on the sites, and then recently a new secret phone.
He now is renting his own house and according to the kids is still using windows and yahoo messenger to message women from these sites.
I have began to realise this is about him and not me. Its not normal behaviour from a married man with two children aged 39....

Its been hard and i worry about the money side of things, but my life is better already.
Its good to hear from people further down the line
The future is bright

x

[TheNextMrsBuble]

annie so sorry to hear you are in a similar position, but hang on in there, it does get easier and you are so much better without a man like that in your life.

[gawdonbennett]

So he's the one who emails/ texts the legendary cock photos.

is he....erm....like...tiny?