I have read and re-read posts on here - and it is because of here that I've realised that my H has an NPD too.

We met in our mid 30s 12 years ago. I had a good job requiring me to travel worldwide, I had my own flat, car - life was sweet - but maybe a little lonely. Along came my neighbour - great fun, very helpful, I soon realised he was "complicated" but thought as long as the good times outweighed the bad... thought I could handle it...and anyway my 'clock' was ticking!

In 2000 we had our daughter. Through negligence she was brain damaged at birth so I gave up work to become a full time carer which I did until she died in 2002. This obviously put a huge strain on our relationship and we agreed, he'd manage the mortgage and bills, I'd take care of our daughter and our legal case. I put any of his behavour down to our stress, grief etc. They were very dark times for us.

I did however, have DS1 and was pregnant with DS2 when our daughter finally gave up her battle. 4 days after her death I was told "You have to get over this for the sake of our kids" and we've barely discussed her together since.

For all the wrong reasons, we moved overseas to 'start a new life'. His idea, that I was happy to go along with as I'd lived overseas as a kid so am not overly rooted to anywhere in particular anyway. Of course I set myself up - my support network was gone, H would continue to work (also travelling alot) and had the beauty of coming back to a beautiful rustic farmhouse, wife, kids ... on paper we looked great.

But behind the scenes it was a different story. I was grieving, he was drinking, rows were rife, but I was isolated, trying to manage our cottage rental business, renovations, 2 preschool children, I was a cleaner and had my own small business. But apparently I was lazy, needed to bring in more money, and useless at dealing with the local bureacracy even tho I managed to buy the home, set up the business, manage it, get the kids into preschool, all in a foreign language. But I did make the odd blunder and was not allowed to forget it. H weirdly favoured DS1 over DS2 - and it hurt. People didn't believe it was favouritism because in public he was the perfect Dad/H... inside I'd be cringing. I came back to UK one weekend, leaving the kids with him. One was at preschool, the other with him... and as the builder left our house, he knocked DS2 over in his van, breaking his hip and alot of internal bruising. H just had not kept an eye on this toddler that in his own words he found 'irritating' - I got the call just as I was boarding the plane home.

Nothing I could have said would have made H feel worse than he did, but I was so angry with him... because I could understand how it happened. I didn't want/dare to say it to his face, so I vented my frustrations on emails to friends, which he read. Then he downloaded spy software to see what I was writing when I changed my password.

His main gripe with me was because I hadn't been supportive enough - of him. he had no regard for my feelings at all. He started doing strange things like hiding my credit card then miraculously finding it somewhere where I'd have never looked... things would often go wrong when he went away, but he could 'mend' them on his return - to be the hero - to remind me that I couldn't do without him. And I did, feel beholden. He'd once intimated that hed 'been' with someone else but then said he'd only said it to hurt me when I started pushing the point..

After 2 years we returned to UK. I told him unless he cut down the drinking and saw a GP, I'd leave. He did, went on AD's, was referred to a CPN but never went, then came off the AD's. And so my life got worse again.

Over the years he has gone to bed leaving the kids in pitch darkness infront of the TV (dark outside) in a huff because the chicken didn't cook intime. I had gone to the vets and came home to find the kids huddled at one end of the sofa.

He's 'lost' DS2 at the pub, called me in a panic, i've run down thinking the worse, found him, shouted at him for not looking after our 5 yo and then been told "I just want to hit you" all because I wasn't supportive of him whilst we searched for DS2.

I once forgot to renew the batteries in our smoke detector. He told me he didn't care if I burned, but did care if the kids did and in fact if I didn't buy new batteries the next day, he'd burn me.

One time, DS1 and him were play fighting and DS1 (accidentally tho H thinks otherwise) bopped H on the nose with his foot. H whacked him across the head. to cut a long story short he told me a cuff round the earhole was harmless (his Dad had done it to him) I said I don't care, if he talks at school, it wouldnt' be me he had to convince.

I'm very glad to say his behaviour towards the kids has improved since then. He does love them, he just seemed to lose control at times. Like I said, those days are thank god, history... so far.

He has never been violent with me but he can be menacing and I am ultimately afraid of him. I feel rubbish because I didn't protect the kids back then, I'd try and patch things over ... I'm not proud.

Along with being called evil, witch, lazy, the most selfish person he has ever met.. it just goes on and on. If the house isn't immaculate, its a 'shithole', if on the rare occassion he does do housework, he'll leave the hoover and cleaning materials lying out so I know that he's done it.

We never seem to have any money even tho he's away alot of the time (which is why its all lasted so long) - so now although I'm currently working nearly full time (37) hrs I got a pretty low wage (live in the sticks!) which just covers the 3 of us (in terms of clothes, toys, books etc) and all home/shopping etc whilst he has historically covered the mortgage and bills.

What he does with the money I ahve no idea. I am not allowed to see any of our utility bills, he just wants me to hand over lump sums and because I don't because otherwise I can't buy the day to day stuff, I'm yet again, selfish, lazy, 'schemeing'... he once told me he only married me because he thought I was rich...

I recently found our mortgage papers hidden in teh loft. By hiding things I think he feels he can control me. And he has, always sneering and laughing at me if I said I wanted us to separate/divorce. He won't leave the home... and that's how its always been - til now!

I can never do or say anything right, and yet most of my friends think he's 'charming'.. and if I mention he said that, either he or they say "it was a joke" -but I know how it was meant.... and I believe you'll understand me too.

Last year I went to the CAB at teh end of my tether. I was immediately seen be an EA counsellor and for the first time I just blurted out the whole sorry story. She felt we were in danger and told me I'd qualify for a relocation loan (deposit + first months rent) but I didn't do it because it was just before Xmas and I couldn't bring myself to tear the family apart esp as we were going abroad for Xmas to see my elderly Father. So another year ticked by.

Over something very silly, the straw broke, I just phrased something incorrectly and got "stupid women", "mad" etc. I came to work, sent him an email saying I wanted a divorce and made an appointment with solicitor on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour!

He spent a day begging me not to ' for the sake of the kids' (2 emails and 1 call) telling me how I'd destroy them (what he's always said) but this time I told I thought I was doing them a favour.... its now calmed down and he is being nice as pie. I assume he's hoping it'll blow over, but what keeps me going is that hopefully it soon will be 'over', tho I do think another nasy phase will occur before then.

I feel ashamed of how long it has taken me to do something about this. The DC love him and I don't want to hurt them...

But I will do this. One question I have tho - does this sound like NPD, or a man grieving, unable to express himself. I worry that maybe I haven't supported him enough, afterall he lost a child too, but I just feel I have supported him, but just don't have the energy anymore to keep doing so when it feels like such a one way ticket.

If you're still reading - thankyou. If I ever sound like I'm losing my momentum please kick my butt and make sure I keep finding the strength to get him out of my life.