No sex, no choice - living with enforced celibacy - anyone else?

[IrritableGrizzly]

Now I know I'm not the only one as I've read a few threads recently about this subject, and I wondered if anyone who's also going through this would like to have a support thread so we can talk about it.

Here goes - I'm 35 and dh is 44. We've been together 14 years and have two sons. In the early years our sex life was brilliant; he couldn't get enough of me and we were quite adventurous. Now I know that sort of thing isn't sustainable and I could accept that, but now we don't have sex at all.

When we were ttc ds2 (17 months) he did make the effort, but it was purely a baby-making thing, not erotic at all, and now we have him dh has completely lost interest. He just doesn't want me. We tried once earlier this year but he couldn't keep it up, and seemed relieved when we gave up.

I have tried to talk to him about it so may times, and he's always full of the same excuses - he's so busy at work, always tired, of course he still loves me etc etc. He is quite overweight and is on meds for high blood pressure, which I'm sure affect his libido, but he won't make the effort to do some exercise and get fit (he gets home from work, eats his dinner in about 3 minutes, and then gets out the sodding laptop and starts working again.)

I really don't know what to do. I can't see myself living the rest of my life like this, and at the same time I can't imagine breaking up my family for such a selfish reason. But my God, I want to be fucked so badly, sometimes it's all I can think about. I asked him if he'd mind if I went out and had a one night stand - he said he would. How crazy is that? He doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me. I don't want an affair, but just the knowledge that someone wants me, and the purely physical sensations...shit, I've almost forgotten what it's like.

Well, I seem to have gone on a bit and I don't even know if anyone's going to read it...never mind, I guess it helps to get it all out sometimes. If anyone does want to chat about this though, that would be really cool. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this, even though I know I'm not the only one.

[IrritableGrizzly]

Thanks thesecondcoming. I think the tablets do affect it - when we tried that time months ago, he could get it up but not keep it up, so it is partly a physical problem. The thing is, I think the high bp is made much worse by his weight, so I get very frustrated when he won't make lifestyle changes to get healthier which would mean he could reduce/come off the meds and improve the sex thing.

Definitely working on the laptop, and if not then he's on the Blackberry or taking a call - it never stops. Did you mean you thought he might be looking at porn? I don't think he does, although it is possible I suppose, when he's travelling or something.

[IrritableGrizzly]

Erm raisedincare, bit confused by your post, but thanks...I think. Are you having a go at me?

[Malificence]

You need to make him understand just how soul destroying it is for you to want him so much and for him to not be interested.
Whoever said that sex is of 10% importance in a good relationship but 90% in a bad one was absolutely spot on.
A satisfying sex life is totally sustainable throughout a long marriage, even when illness and disability are major factors, of course there are peaks and troughs but it has to be worked on from both sides.
His weight and his meds are the overwhelming issues here by the sound of it, it's utterly selfish of him not to thinks of your needs, I think you've got to be brutally honest with him and say that if he doesn't try to work on things then your marriage is at stake. You're 35 not 65 for heavens sake.
Your husband is exactly the same age as mine and work stress can affect his libido occasionally but if he's not in the mood one night then he makes the effort the next.
He needs to take this seriously, are his health and his marriage/you not the most important things in his life?
Sit him down and tell him you love him but you can't carry on this way.

[ScaryFucker]

IG, RIC is new to the boards (unless a namechanger) and seems to be weaving her experiences of being raised in care onto lots of threads, whther in context, or not

I think she means well and isn't having a go

anyways...I feel for you and that feeling of wanting to be fucked must be a nightmare for you to try to suppress

you are still a young woman and you have needs, lady

He is being utterly selfish to not take steps to address his problem, which he obviously has. Medication/weight-related/whatever, there will be help for him if he seeks it. I expect you would be more than happy to support him as long as he is looking for an answer.

He is impotent...have you told him that in bald terms? He needs to wake up and smell the coffee before you walk away from your relationship.

[abedelia]

Well, check the internet history just in case. But it may well be that he simply CAN'T do it owing to the meds and is sticking his head in the sand. Men are very good at this when it comes to erectile problems, I hear. Avoiding exercise may therefore be a way of protecting his ego - after all, his logic is that if he loses weight and comes off the meds and still can't keep it up, what then?

That said, there are other ways to 'keep you happy' and does he realise he is withdrawing intimacy? Nothing has to involve penetration, which may get the pressure off him?

[ScaryFucker]

you reckon, reality ? Whatevas

I nearly posted on some of her other threads, with a ", why is this relevant ???"

but I couldn't be arse

I didn't want the OP on this one though to feel she was at all BU, so had to say something

[ScaryFucker]

*arsed

[drinkyourmilk]

wonder if he is very embarassed by either his lack of ability, or lack libido. Will he help to satisfy you in other ways (or realise it's an option)? If you have/buy a vibrator/finger vibrator will he use it on you? Or use his hands/fingers? Watch you?
(btw - not expecting a graphic reply to these suggestions! Just putting it in the pot)

[unfitmother]

Have you tried talking to him about this IG?

[Malificence]

Does he even realise that you can have "soft" intercourse and that he can still climax by the method? It may be an incentive for him to know that.
Men can actually orgasm with a soft or semi hard penis.
His ED will improve along with his health if he loses weight,so would his BP I imagine, he can also improve his circulation naturally by taking ginseng and ginko biloba, assuming it won't interfere with his meds of course.
I honestly swear by ginseng - my pmt has disappeared and my libido has soared since taking it.
Pomegranate juice and extract are as useful as viagra in improving genital blood flow too.

[ScaryFucker]

soft intercourse ??

[unfitmother]

There was something in the paper earlier this week about 'Horny goat weed'?
Some sort of hebal aphrodisiac.

[Malificence]

Also meant to say that there are SO many sexual aids that you could use together, from simple cock rings to penis pumps, even hollow strap ons that he can put on and be able to give you the hard fucking you so desperately need ( I know, sometimes it's all that will do ).
He must be upset about it too?

[Effilump]

I Was thinking along the same lines as drinkyourmilk with the toys etc, or has he withdrawn from you completely?

[Malificence]

Soft intercourse - never had to attempt it ourselves but I have read up on the subject for my SIL whose hubby has severe diabetes and the resulting ed probs.
It's exactly as it sounds, probably easier with at least a semi hard penis ( a cock ring would be useful) but the woman in effect milks the man with her pc muscles.
There is information on the net, possibly net doctor or ivillage.

[IrritableGrizzly]

Thank you so much for responses (especially ScaryFucker - I was confused by that poster; didn't know she had form )

I have tried talking to him about it quite a few times, and each time I get the same excuses and reassurances that things will change, yet it never does. He always manages to try and turn it on me by saying how he has to work hard to keep his job and how stressful that is for him. I've always tried to be supportive of his career; not complaining at all the late nights, meals out with clients, trips away etc.

(BTW I know that sounds like classic cheating scenario but I'm 100% sure that's not the case here.)

I really don't mind all that stuff, but I don't see why I should have to make such a sacrifice for it. It's not just the sex. He's not physically affectionate any more - doesn't hold my hand, put his arm around me, certainly doesn't kiss me, unless you count the passionless good night peck. We sleep in separate rooms now, mainly because he snores so badly (also connected to his weight) that it I can't sleep.

I'm still breastfeeding ds2 (17m), and I know that he has a problem with this, but as far as I can see even if he's a boob man, there's a whole load of other stuff he could do if he doesn't want to go there.

It's just like he's shut off the sexual part of himself, and he doesn't want to make the effort to find it again.

[justgaveup]

I've changed my name for this cos I KNOW i will get flamed, however, I couldn't not respond because this situation is so close to my heart and I know how utterly consuming and miserable it can make you.

I adore and fancy my husband and we've got 2 small kids, very happy marriage, he's my best friend, my rock and we have lots of cuddles and kisses but NO sex at all.

We have talked it to death over and over again, and when it boils down to it, he just has no sex drive, not interested in sex and when I do sometimes hassle him into performing I can tell the whole thing is just like some chore for him and he can't wait for it to be over - which results in crap sex for me. So now, I've just given up.

When we talk about it, he gets very upset and feels bad that he's letting me down and then it causes loads of tension for a couple of days but nothing ever changes.

I've asked him if he's gay - NO
I've asked him how he feels about me getting sex elsewhere - NO WAY
I've asked him if he thinks it's ok that I just live a celibate life now - 'well no, but don't know what i can do about it'

I have a very high sex drive, I love sex and being fancied and having passion in my life is very important to be confidence and self esteem and stress levels.

So, I have finally decided to get sex elsewhere. I've found a fuck buddy that I see every couple of weeks. He knows exactly what the score is, I'm using him for sex. He understands that he NEVER contacts me at home or rings me or emails me and my husband and family come first. I can't and won't offer him anything else other than 'a shag' and if he doesn't like it, we call it off.

I have to say it's working out very well. No hassles, I get great sex and an ego boost and feel wanted and sexy. I come home in a great mood and am relaxed and feeling good. I don't hassle hubby about sex, which makes him much more relaxed and in my eyes everyone's happy.

Of course, I feel guilty at times and I know my husband would be devastated if he found out BUT I also truly believe that if I wasn't doing this my marriage would have fallen apart by now cos the stress of having no sex was making me angry/frustrated/insecure/ratty/weepy and I was totally obsessing about it.

I hope my experience is of some interest to you. Sorry, it's turned into a mammoth read!

[Malificence]

www.netdoctor.co.uk/erectiledysfunction/relationship.htm

Such a useful article on the effects of ED.

[IrritableGrizzly]

We have used a cock ring in the past; worked quite well. (This was before we had problems, just for fun.) A few years ago he bought me a Rabbit - not for us to use together, but basically as a cop out because I was getting upset about how things were dwindling, so he got it for me so I didn't have to go without some fun. I didn't know it would go on for this long though.

All the herby things he won't consider because of his meds.

I don't know if he's upset about it. He doesn't talk about it, unless it's when I bring it up which I don't any more as it's like bashing my head against a wall.

[IrritableGrizzly]

justgaveup, thanks for that. Did you have a thread about this not long ago? It sounds familiar. In fact, it could have been that thread that really brought home to me what a problem this is for us.

I wouldn't judge you for what you've done, as I've considered it many times. I have days when I think it's the only solution, and days when I know I'd never be brave enough. I'm glad you've found something that helps a bit, even if it's not the same as having a dh who wants you. I really miss that.

[bodycolder]

There are other blood pressure tablets that don't do this.I am on one of the new ones and it is apparently excellent for men in your dh's situation.It doesn't seem to affect women the same way but a leaflt came with mine saying that they were the newest bp tablet and excellent for patients were normally ED was a problem.they are called irbesartan and i am on them for another reason than BP as I have a complicated medical history and they have no side effects that I've noticed.Matbe his doctor is the next stop.You are both too young for this xx

[IrritableGrizzly]

bodycolder will look into the tablets, thanks for that.