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my husband has left me for another woman

(62 Posts)
loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 20:16:23

My husband waited for me to go to work last week and while i was gone he packed all his belongings and took them to a flat which he had rented. I had absolutely no idea this was coming. We had known each other for 25 years and had been married for 21 of them. He told me that he could no longer live with me because it was killing him. It has since transpire that he is seeing another woman that he met at work. We have a 15 year old daughter who will be taking her gcses this year. At the moment i am not sure i can get myself through this. Any advice would be welcome as i do have a supportive family but no friends,

Goober Mon 12-Oct-09 20:18:19

I'm so sorry for you. sad

He is a shit.

ScaryFucker Mon 12-Oct-09 20:18:53

so sorry to hear this

some lovely wise ladies will be along soon

belcantwait Mon 12-Oct-09 20:19:49

oh my goodness loughtongirl- what a terrible horrible shock for you sad
not sure i can offer any really good advice but didnt want your post to go unanswered. hope you find some good help and suppoort on here

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 20:19:50

thanks

OrmIrian Mon 12-Oct-09 20:21:03

Oh loughtongirl shock

SO sorry.

gonnabehappy Mon 12-Oct-09 20:21:10

Oh Loughtongirl. I am so so sorry. Something similar happened to me last year but to have been left while you were at work. that is the most cowardly action of a man in acute midlife crisis. MLC makes people selfish I bet it is some time since he has looked after you.

You need to take care of yourself and your daughter right now. For your daughter it is well worth telling the school. Our local secondary school has some fab staff that have really helped my boys when they have needed it.

For yourself - that is harder. I just don't know what to say except you must take care of yourself. If that means having no contact at all with your husband for a while then do it.

Bloody women at work.

deleting Mon 12-Oct-09 20:23:35

What a shitty way to do it. Spineless and rude. You deserve better than that. I hope you get some good advice x

WhenwillIfeelnormal Mon 12-Oct-09 20:24:57

So sorry. What a spineless excuse for a man to do it this way. Has he spoken to your daughter and is she your only child?

Glad you've got family around, but are they nearby?

Do you think he really means it? Sometimes, when affairs come out into the open, the bubble bursts a bit and all the guilt and fall-out have a nasty habit of pouring a bucket of water on illicit lovers.

Tell us a bit more of the background if you can. You'll get so much help and support on here.

mamalovesmojitos Mon 12-Oct-09 20:25:43

jesus, what a little shit he is.

loughtongirl, i'm so sorry for you. gonnabehappy gives good advice - contact the school. post on here as much as it helps. take it one day at a time.

don't tell anyone but i'm sending you a hug. was this completely out of the blue?

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 20:26:08

Thank you so much for your messages of support it certainly helps talking to someone

seeyounexttuesday Mon 12-Oct-09 20:27:18

poor you. agree - spineless. But obviously must have alot of guilt as he couldnt face you and tell you. Which IMO does give you a bit of hope if you did want him back.

SolidGhoulBrass Mon 12-Oct-09 20:27:45

Is there a friend or family member who can come and stay for a few days and look after you and your DD ie see to things like meals, laundry if necessary? And field all contacts from your XH:don't communicate with him till you feel ready and get some legal advice (he has moved out so you can change the locks AFAIK). Your priorities now must be taking care of yourself and your DD. BEst of luck.

cocolepew Mon 12-Oct-09 20:30:24

Spineless shit. So sorry, take care of yourself and your DD. X

hocuspontas Mon 12-Oct-09 20:30:31

And check your finances. Make sure he isn't emptying your joint accounts.

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 20:31:29

He has been in touch with my daughter and she is doing really well with the situation i am so proud of her. I have no friends whers i live because in dec 2007 my husband wanted to move to a different area even though i did have doubts at the time and unfortumatly i just went along with it thinking it was the right thing to do. I moved away from my family and it is difficult just telephoning all the time.

6feetundertheGroundhogs Mon 12-Oct-09 20:32:49

What a horrible, horrible shock. How awful for you to come home to that.

I was the same age as your DD when our dad got found out. It was a horrible horrible time for us all. For a while it hurt like hell. For a while my mum went off the rails a little, but I was able to take the reins for her for a little while, making sure she ate etc, taking turns with my sister to stay in so she wasn't alone every weekend etc.

Is there anything particularly you'd like advice on?

So far what is your DH saying about mortgage, house bills etc? Do you have that agreed yet?

Can you suggest he agrees to pay all these for the foreseeable future? Until you are both in the correct frame of mind to discuss everything else.?

It was all many many years ago now of course, and both of my parents have remarried. Of course I don't particularly like either of the add-ons, but it's their life.

You and your DD will get through this. I was never particularly close to my mum before my dad left, but him leaving has meant that we really got to know one another over the years, and I now see her out of choice almost everyday. There are silver linings to everything, even if it will be a while before you can see them.

Hang on in there, it will get better and you will survive this. It'll make you stronger.

Thinking of you, you are not alone, keep posting and we'll all be here for you.

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 20:38:24

At the moment he says he is going to pay all the bills but you just know that when he can no longer afford to have a nice cosy little life with her we will be the first ones to be hit. He does earn good money and so does she i have a part time job in sainsburys. Any one got any idea where i stand legally with the house that is in joint names

6feetundertheGroundhogs Mon 12-Oct-09 20:43:01

My Dad agreed to pay all mortgage and housebills for 18 months. And he did.

If he were a real man, he'd do what my dad did, sign the house over to you. 100% yours. but i realise that's rare.

I think it's beyond reason for a cheating man to abandon his wife of over 20 years and force her to sell the house and give him half. But he can't do anything without your agreement and/or court decision.

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 20:48:43

Any one got any suggestions on how to get my self out of the house and meeting new friends

countingto10 Mon 12-Oct-09 20:50:39

Having been through this recently, DH left me six months ago for OW but left her after 6 weeks and returned to marital home about 4 weeks after that, I would say you need to take control straightaway, see a solicitor so you know where you stand legally, pack all his stuff in bin bags and make him collect them, etc. Little things like changing any answerphone message to from you and your DD, anything so that he knows that you are taking control and he is not going to call the shots.

Take care of yourself, get your hair done, buy some new clothes etc. Go out with girlfriends. Make an appointment at Relate as well, just for you to help get things straight in your head.

It was only when I started to show my DH that I was in control that he suddenly realised what he was going to lose. We are still a work in progress, definitely not out of the woods yet but we are getting there.

You will have to decide what you want as well, you may not want him back, but if you do all of the above whatever you chose to do you will fill better. You are in terrible shock atm so give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

Good luck and keep posting.

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 20:57:02

I know that i am in shock at the moment but i know there is absolutley no route back i dont want to just sit here and feel sorry for myself i need to take action but i am not sure how to start getting a social life.

anothermum92 Mon 12-Oct-09 20:58:43

Message withdrawn

anothermum92 Mon 12-Oct-09 21:03:36

Message withdrawn

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 21:04:27

He has told me that he had started to like her from about October 2008 shortly after gaining a promotion and being moved to a different office but says he had not done anything about it until about 6 weeks ago

victoriascrumptious Mon 12-Oct-09 21:05:43

Loughton? As in Essex? Is that were you are living right now? I'd meet up with you if you were closer sad

6feetundertheGroundhogs Mon 12-Oct-09 21:06:52

I remember the first christmas, my mum took my sister and I away. We visited friends in US, it was great. Is that something you could do? Be good to give yourself a project to plan?

Agree with looking at the social/leisure centre for a starters. Any sport you'd wished you could have a go at and never go around to? Now's your chance!

Have you got any family you could get to go with you if you are a little nervous?

victoriascrumptious Mon 12-Oct-09 21:06:53

It's already been suggested you protect any money in a joint account. I think you should do this ASAP.x

anothermum92 Mon 12-Oct-09 21:08:27

Message withdrawn

Lilyloooohhhh Mon 12-Oct-09 21:12:46

Check out the local board one here maybe ttend one of their meet up's.
Ask when the next do at work will be and make yourself available.
Join an evening class , gym etc all good ways to meet new people.
Good luck and what a sh** to be so spineless.
But agree with other posters regain control of this by doing things that cheer you up and show him , even if it doesn't feel like it on the inside' you can live without him and aren't reliant on him to make you happy.

Good luck

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 21:14:57

I do feel it has happened very quickly and think he has made a big mistake. It has crossed my mind he is having a midlife crisis he was 41 in june

loughtongirl Mon 12-Oct-09 21:21:15

Thanks for the offer to meet up victoriascrumptious I actually live in hullbridge now but i was living in loughton essex and that was where i was most happiest hence nickname

6feetundertheGroundhogs Mon 12-Oct-09 21:32:04

countingto10 Bloody brilliant post! Good for you!

LAUGHLOTS Mon 12-Oct-09 22:32:00

So sorry. My husband left me for another woman at work...... Yeah yeah heard it all before!!

It is hard, but it does make you stronger in the end, and you certainly find out who your real friends are. Ive made so many more new friends and im a year down the line and I am happier than ever and am so busy i haven't got time to spare him a single thought.

IT WILL GET BETTER.

Big Hug x

mamalovesmojitos Tue 13-Oct-09 21:15:15

how are things going loughtongirl? was thinking about your post today. hope you're ok.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 14-Oct-09 14:58:46

Hi Loughton girl. I'm also worried about you, especially as there are now 2 threads involving cowardly men leaving without proper explanation. How are you?

newgirl Wed 14-Oct-09 15:01:18

crikey im so sorry

have you had time to get some legal advice? also check the finances like someone has said

get that stuff stable and then you know you can look after your daughter

starwhoreswonaprize Wed 14-Oct-09 15:03:46

Make plans assuming the worst, that he'll take all the money and house....ensure he cannot.
I'm really sorry.

loughtongirl Fri 16-Oct-09 12:14:51

Thanks for all the kind messages of support. Just taking each day at a time and hopefully i can come out of this sane.

magpumpkin Fri 16-Oct-09 13:01:45

Loughtongirl, this was me 10 years ago. My EXH had moved me and our DS 4yrs old 100 miles from my job & friends to a new area as we would be "bettering ourselves propertywise". Don't get me wrong it was a lovely new house and I thought we could be really happy there, he would still work in our old town but commute(shift worker who could stay in the firestation during shift hours), but 2 months later he tells me over the phone that he doesn't love me anymore and had not loved me for 2 years. WTF... we only got married 18 months earlier after spending 10 years together. At his insistance I might add. I wrote him 1 letter asking to give it another go. No reply. I never asked again. To much pride. I found out he had another women and had already moved in with her back in our old town. (Hence the move). It took me about a month to find a job, I was lucky my DS had just started school so I met some lovely mothers who once they heard my news rallied around me. It will take time to get over the shock and utter bewilderment that someone you loved could hurt you so badly. But it does ease. Just be strong. I sold the house and bought my DS and me a smaller house. My EXH said soon after I chased him for maintence for our son that "it's alright for you - you have a lovely little property when all I have is a rented house" that may I add made my year. The grass is not always greener. 10 years down the line I have met and married a wonderful man and now have a DD also. EXH still has contact with DS but still can't look me in the eye when we meet. Karma I say....

dfrdg Sat 06-Oct-12 00:14:21

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

dfrdg Sat 06-Oct-12 00:14:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 00:22:58

Reported

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 06-Oct-12 00:29:53

Spell caster? What the actual fuck?!

A zombie thread advertising a spell caster, thats got to be a first hmm grin

I hope the op from 3 years ago is in a happy place in her life now

QueenieLovesEels Sat 06-Oct-12 00:46:24

Bonkers.

Dryjuice25 Sat 06-Oct-12 01:04:17

Fantastic advice from Countingto10

Dryjuice25 Sat 06-Oct-12 01:06:15

2009!

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 01:08:02

YOu gotta give these spammers their due, trawling for a 2009 thread in order to advertise the wonderful spell casting abilities of The Great Wizardo does show commitment!

hmm
What a great zombie thread.

I too can create ever lasting love (at least sexual passion) through baking cookies on menstrual blood and semen, and getting the two to eat it.

See, I can tell you this without charging a penny. DNA from both, together with herbs, in water, facing north, in a jar, or mug, in a quiet room, and whohei! Babies. Incantations are needed.

mum11970 Sat 06-Oct-12 01:21:59

So sorry Hun. You dh sounds like a coward going through a mlc. Do let the school know what is going on for your dd's. Let your friends know, join a gym and go along to classes, you'll soon make friends at women based classes like step and LBT, and just going out and exercising will make you feel so much better.

GrimAndHumourless Sat 06-Oct-12 01:27:05

oh my, Zombie Thread and Spellcastings

Seen it ALL now

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 01:30:06

Interesting though, this thread is very similar to another ongoing thread about an MNer who came home to find her H had left for another woman, clearing out most of the house in the process.

And yet they all think that they are the only ones to go through the "agony" of this shit hmm

Smeghead Sat 06-Oct-12 01:31:06

That is, the HUSBANDS think they are the only ones in the world who have ever gone through the "agony" of true love, not the wives who really do have the agony.

izzyizin Sat 06-Oct-12 01:48:20

I missed it, what was it? Send 30/50/100+ quid to have the lying scumbag your dh/dp/bf miraculously restored to your ever loving bosom?

Jeez, if some twunt did the dirty on me in that style I'd pay far more to have them kept away forever.

To my mind the agony that ensues from discovering the one you lurve is a total tosspost comes from realisation of the valuable time you've squandered on them.

And i was just about to post this link to here the OP to show how to do it properly lol

To my mind the agony that ensues from discovering the one you lurve is a total tosspost comes from realisation of the valuable time you've squandered on them.

Agreed. See even zombie threads have their uses smile

tamirya Mon 02-Jun-14 02:20:50

i never ever believed in spell until i meet a man called Dr Osaze who help me cast a spell that bring back my ex-lover who left me for two years before our marriage,His spells works beyond my imaginations and today i am happily married with two kids and me and my [ex-lover] now husband are very happy more than ever before,what more can i say rather than to say thank you dr ogala for been there for me,contact him today and your life will never ever remain the same his email is spirituallove@hotmail. com, may the lord continue to use you to save people as you did to me, He is the best spell caster that can help you.

CarbeDiem Mon 02-Jun-14 02:32:37

How lovely tamirya.hmm

Reported

possiblyprecious Mon 02-Jun-14 02:39:56

He he!

LiberalLibertine Mon 02-Jun-14 03:19:30

You spell the amazing doctors name different each time!? Reported.

jessylynn01 Mon 06-Oct-14 22:14:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jessylynn01 Mon 06-Oct-14 22:15:26

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Drumdrum60 Mon 06-Oct-14 23:04:16

Worry about a social life when you have taken back control and everything is sorted out . Concentrate on you and your daughter first . Don't do anything reactionary. Stay dignified .

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