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I've fallen in love with someone else help and advice sorely needed

(197 Posts)
houseontopofahill Mon 28-Sep-09 12:31:20

I'm married, we've been together for ten years. Two kids. I've had a lot of regrets along the way, and have basically felt that I didn't choose the right person for me but have felt trapped because of the children. We've had a very hard time financially over the last few years which has brought further difficulties to our relationship. I feel very guilty because my husband adores me, I just don't feel the same way about him.

A couple of months ago I got chatting to a friend of a friend and we really clicked. I suggested that him and his wife come to ours sometime. We swapped email addresses, which led to facebook, which led to some light hearted banter, which led to some flirtation. We saw each other a couple of times socially and realised we had feelings for each other. To cut a long story short we're now well on the way to an affair, though as we both have young children this is all fairly impossible (to meet up), but we're speaking on the phone, texting and chatting online. We've had two clandestine meetings, both of which made me feel utterly awful and guilty, yet at the same time made me feel so happy (because of the blossoming new relationship).

Basically - if this is the right man for me, I'll leave my husband and go for it. But how on earth can I find out if he's the right man without entering into a horrible affair?

Having made a mistake already and spent 10 years with the wrong man, I'm not willing to leave without knowing a lot more about the new person. But how can I find out about the other person without doing something I'm not meant to be doing?

cocolepew Mon 28-Sep-09 12:33:19

If you want to be with this man tell your husband it's over, and he must tell his wife. Don't have an affair, the hurt will be even more widespread.

Goober Mon 28-Sep-09 12:34:03

Walk away.

HappyWoman Mon 28-Sep-09 12:37:45

please tell your husband and give him the chance to make a choice about what he wants to do.
He may give you his blessing to see this chap (it does happen).

Do not destroy him, your family and probably the om family , just to find out how you feel.
It is the lies that destroy any trust not the actual lusting after someone else.

DorotheaPlenticlew Mon 28-Sep-09 12:39:42

Message withdrawn

DorotheaPlenticlew Mon 28-Sep-09 12:42:37

Re-reading your original post I think I ought to clarify - I basically mean that, in answer to your "how do I find out" question: well, you can't test-drive a new man while still with the old. Not fair on anyone. You need to make the decision about whether you are staying with your husband or not. And then, if you decide to leave, it will be possible to figure out whether the new man is the right man or not, without complicating factors like illicit temptation to skew your perception.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Mon 28-Sep-09 12:58:20

"Having made a mistake already and spent 10 years with the wrong man, I'm not willing to leave without knowing a lot more about the new person."

Why? Why can't you do the honest thing by your husband and go it alone? Why would it take knowing you've got OM to go to, in order to call time on a marriage that you've convinced yourself was all wrong at the start?

And what is OM telling you about HIS marriage? Do you need to believe that it is loveless - or that he "loves his wife but is not in love with her"? Or have you convinced yourselves that this passion is bigger than both of you and that although you still care about your partners' wellbeing, not enough to stop you "going for it"?

Unless you can in all honesty say that you would have left your marriage even if OM hadn't come along, start to question yourself hard.

And please realise that you are now an Other Woman. Can you really justify causing so much pain and hurt to another woman, who has never done anything to hurt you? This woman is probably struggling to raise a young family, wondering why her husband is a bit distant, berating herself for being so knackered all the time and crying herself to sleep each night.

If either your husband or his wife finds out about an affair, they will be damaged forever. The misery and hurt will be incalculable. All the children will be damaged too, with scars that last long into adulthood.

Can you in all conscience go ahead knowing all this?

Tambajam Mon 28-Sep-09 13:05:11

Being married doesn't mean you don't fall in love with other people but that you choose not to do anything about it. You made some promises and you gave word. Do you really want to be 'this person'? That cheats on the husband of her children and lives a life of deceit.
The decision is - do you want to be married to your husband or not? If you don't, then leave the marriage and see this other man socially and it may work out or it may not. Choosing to keep your husband around as a safety net who will 'do' if things don't work out with this new person is cruel and unreasonable.

You will take risk that it might not work out with this new person but there is no other decent way to behave (other than stick with your husband and break contact with the other man.)

WhenwillIfeelnormal Mon 28-Sep-09 13:09:45

Please restore my faith in Mumsnet and will somebody else speak up for the betrayed wife in this saga....sad

Scorps Mon 28-Sep-09 13:12:08

Walk away, leave him and his wife, children to their lives.

This will hurt so many people, for your own selfish reasons.

Scorps Mon 28-Sep-09 13:13:13

WWIFN - your description of his wife is probably very right. sad

houseontopofahill Mon 28-Sep-09 13:15:24

Thank you for all your thoughts and feelings on this. It is difficult to get everything into a post without it being a three page ramble, so there were inevitably some details missed out at the start.

Prior to meeting OM I had been giving serious thought as to whether to leave my husband. It would obviously have been easier to work through my feelings and come to that decision if I hadn't met/had feelings for OM.

You are all right when you talk about the hurt and awful unfairness, and right when you say you can't road test a new person when still with the old.

But I also don't think it's as black and white as all this. My toddler needs me so I can't finish this post, I'll try and get back later.... thanks again though because everyone's thoughts and views are useful.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Sep-09 13:17:51

what a pair of pitiful, selfish fecking losers you are.

neither one of you deserves the spouses you've got, or your families for that matter.

willing to throw everything away so you can feel and act like a teenager.

priceless.

especially this:
'Basically - if this is the right man for me, I'll leave my husband and go for it. But how on earth can I find out if he's the right man without entering into a horrible affair? '

it's all about you and your adolescent idea of romance and 'love'.

you're willing to destroy two families but you want to have your cake and eat it to by asking how you test drive this, because if it's not something out of Mills and Boon you don't want it.

i hope your husband finds all this out and makes the decision for you.

he deserves better than you.

so does this guy's wife.

prawncrackers Mon 28-Sep-09 13:22:22

Hear, hear Expat!

YummyorSlummy Mon 28-Sep-09 13:25:12

I agree with Expat...marriage isn't like the films you see. It's hard work. Shame on you for acting so irresponsibly and letting things get to the point where you could end up having an affair. How would you feel if you were this man's wife?? Do you really want to be 'the other woman?' Cos let me tell you, nobody likes her.

scarletlilybug Mon 28-Sep-09 13:27:58

Well said, expat.

DorotheaPlenticlew Mon 28-Sep-09 13:32:51

Message withdrawn

WhenwillIfeelnormal Mon 28-Sep-09 13:35:13

It's pretty simple really. Leave your husband by all means OP, if that's what you want, but don't raid another marriage in the process.

houseontopofahill Mon 28-Sep-09 13:48:46

Thank you DortheaPlenticlew for your very relevant post. You're the only person who doesn't seem to want to jump on me and stab me. I'm shocked by all the harsh and angry reactions. I can see that this is not the place to come for advice at all.

I was hoping for some support and help, but I can see that asking a load of strangers for support was a totally stupid idea.

Oh by the way, before you go off on one about support and help, no, I didn't want anyone to condone what I was doing. If anything I was hoping that people would talk me out of this. Or share some experiences (I assume by the amount of step families out there that people DO fall in love with other people, and make very difficult decisions to start new families).

Do none of you have ANY empathy for ANYONE who errs, and is human? Or are you all totally perfect creatures?

OrmIrian Mon 28-Sep-09 13:53:10

house - I have plenty of sympathy for those who err. But if you want advice it will tend to be of the 'don't do it' variety from most people - and those who have been hurt by infidelity will perhaps be a little more robust in their opinion. Did that really surprise you?

littlestmummystop Mon 28-Sep-09 13:54:28

OP- I think MNetters are very judgey on any sniff of an affair. So many it seems are victims of OW.

I'd try and see this as a wake up call for your marriage. You wouldn't be falling so hard for someone else if you were happy.
If it's not this guy, it could be someone else further down the line.

I'd talk to your DH, tell him why you feel the way you do and if things don't get better, get out of it. Get over that first. Meanwhile stop contacting the guy completely, until you have your headspace about your marriage. If he does really feel for you, he'll wait.

If you want to do it the moral way ( although hard way) give your marriage all your attention first.

If you can't do this, and wind up having an affair, then be prepared for all the guilt, pain and upset it'll cause if and when the others find out...

rubyslippers Mon 28-Sep-09 13:55:31

actually MN is a great place to come for advice

you just don't want to hear it

i can't believe you are "shocked" by the responses TBH

you have a responsibility to your Husband and children - they are your family

to embroil them in the deceit and lies of an affair is unforgiveable

if your relationship with your husband is failing why don't you put your time and energy into repairing it

if you don't wnat to then have the decency to walk away and separate before you embark on another relatonship

i have seen so many threads on the devestation of an affair on the OW and children - it is never pretty

no-one is claiming they are perfect as far as i can tell

monkey9237 Mon 28-Sep-09 13:56:28

Here here to WhenWillIFeelNormal and expatinscotland. I am a "betrayed wife" who discovered my husbands affair 8 weeks ago and I am still devastated and in pieces, even though he says he has ended it and is staying with me - despite wanting to leave initially. My life will NEVER be the same thanks to the selfish actions of the two of them. I spent months wondering why he acted like he hated me, why he avoided me, I thought I was going MAD with it all, with KNOWING he was doing something but being unable to prove it, and having him denying it.

I was struggling with a new baby, PND and working 4 days a week and my husband did this to me - one of my first thoughts was HOW SHE could do this to another woman, knowing herself how devastating it would be. It actually scares me that they could both be so ruthless with other peoples lives.

OK, so you both want to be with eachother but by marrying and having children etc you have bought other people into your lives, who have no choice in this, and you are going to really crush them (ok so maybe only temporarily but still...).

If you really cant be with your husband, and you say you thought this even before the affair, then end it with AND end the affair too (it can still be an affair even without the physical side in my opinion) and do the right thing by everyone - you'd want to be treated like that too wouldnt you? But I am sorry, its selfish to line a replacement up first and then leave him once its all in place. That would be my advice for what its worth. But of course I am biased - I was the one who was lied to and deceived.

noddyholder Mon 28-Sep-09 14:01:08

You do need to leave your current partner and be on your own as you have already made one error of judgement and tbh this guy is just a convenient way out for you.His wife and kids deserve better.Don't use them as a way out of your misrable life.If onc you are free and settled and he has done the same you both still feel something that is a whole other scenario.You can't blame people for jumping on you if you read the posts back it is all about you!

Restrainedrabbit Mon 28-Sep-09 14:03:00

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=824866-How-many-women-are-just-making-do-with-th eir-partner#16802000 Have a look here , you may find it helpful.

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