Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

35 weeks pregnant...just found out he's been unfaithful!

(29 Posts)
PMcG1 Sat 26-Sep-09 10:59:38

OK, so here goes....!

I thought I was married to a man who was completely devoted to me. Most of my friends think that I've landed myself the ultimate catch, he was always very attentive, caring and supportive.
Last week my world came to a halt when my husband of 8 years told me he had kissed another lady, 6 months after we got married. He said it was a massive mistake and was very drunk and couldn't really remember it. I went to bed that night very upset, but also wondering if that was all there was to it. The next morning he came into the room (we didn't sleep in the same bed that night and since)and told me there was more he needed to tell me. It turns out there has been a total of 4 other women he has kissed in the last 8 years. 3 of them he didn't know, and promised that it was only a kiss. This I believe. The 4th was a girl he worked with, who he knew was attracted to him. It's funny as I knew it was her before he even said her name. I was so upset I could hardly breath, that day I just cried.
So to cut a long story short, it turns out after another few days more and more details came out after me repeatidly asking was that it. I knew there was more to it. The latest is that N, (the girl that he worked with)had been mgsing each other for a few weeks, he said just chatting and flirting nothing sexual. On the evening of his goodbye drinks (we were moving to another part of the UK) he was out with the work crowd, I went for the early part of the evening, but later on he was with her. He said they didn't have sex but he did perform oral sex on her and that was it. He did say that he was very releaved to be leaving a few days later as he was unsure as to where it would end.

The thing is I have been in one of the most content places in my life over the last few months, since being pregnant. We had been trying for 7 years with a lot of heartbreak along the way. Finally, I am in such a good place, only for this to happen. I am so angry at him and his timing in telling me, as I feel like the joy of the little one arriving after all this time has been stolen from me. I don't have many firends or any family around as we are from another country, so I'm feeling very isolated and lonely. I just can't stop crying and feel sick when I think about it. I haven't told anyone back home, but have spoken to a friend here. I want to try and work this out, he siad he does too, but I'm not sure that I still know the full truth, and have told him that all his lies are making a dreaful situation worse. He has apologised again and again and said that he does love me! He is willing to do whatever it takes, go to councelling etc.

I just don't know if this is the end of it all, or if there's still more to come, I had always thought once a cheat always a cheat.
Also I was planning on having a home birth but now feel that as the trust has been broken, I may be better off in the hospital. I'm also fearful of hime seeing me in such a vunerable state during labour. Just can't believe the little one is going to arrive at a time of real uncertainty in our marriage.

Sorry for the long rant, but just looking for a few words of wisdom.

Thanks for reading!!

scottishmummy Sat 26-Sep-09 11:05:51

sorry you are hearing this,esp pg when you dont need stress

ok,deep breath.what do you want to do
do you have a confidant or someone to support you
i know it will be so hard but try not to dwell,or get too stressed
do consider relate and or counselling

be aware posting this, inevitability a fair few will shout bastard,leave him etc.but hey only you know what to do

and do take care. hope birth goes ok

scottishmummy Sat 26-Sep-09 11:08:16

why has he chosen now to reveal the infidelities?what prompted the sudden urge

RealityIsAnAuntie Sat 26-Sep-09 11:11:34

I am so sorry sad.

I think you need to brace yourself for the very real possibility that this is the tip of the iceberg, IME men will drip feed you this information. He has tested the water by admitting to a kiss, then more than one, then oral sex.

I think you will end up discovering more and more infidelities.

Tell him he needs to come clean completely and then there is a chance you can move on.

But it may be that this man is incapable hmm of being faithful to you, in which case you have some hard decisions to make.

Oh and can I just say what an utter fucking cuntrag he is to do this to you.

angry

dollius Sat 26-Sep-09 11:26:41

I'm afraid I agree, I think it is highly unlikely that he "performed oral sex" on her without going further. I think you are going to find out he has been having sex with other women and you probably need to brace yourself for it.

And, frankly, oral sex is so intimate that must feel like a really terribly betrayal.

I find it cruel beyond words that he has chosen this point in your life, when you are 35 weeks pregnant, when you are probably at your most vulnerable and most reliant on him, to tell you all this.

DoingTheBestICan Sat 26-Sep-09 11:39:22

Gosh i really feel for you,i know exactly what you mean about feeling like your special time has been spoilt by him confessing now.

It took us 7 yrs of trying before i actually got preg & i revelled in every moment so i know where you are coming from re that.

I agree with the others about him drip feeding you more info,i personally dont believe that he gave oral sex to another woman & got nothing back.

Do you have anyone in RL you can sit down with & discuss face to face?

I wonder if he has chosen now to confess as he is about to become a father & wants to do so with a clean slate?I am not making excuses for him as i think he is disgusting & the way he is treating you is deplorable.

I am not sure where you can go from here as you need to be preparing yourself for the birth not dealing with your fuckwit of a dh.

I hope you enjoy the birth,please dont let him spoil that for you.

Take care.

countingto10 Sat 26-Sep-09 11:43:07

Is there anybody you can confide in, for support in RL as at this time in your life I don't think you should be depending on him solely for all the support you will need in the coming weeks.

Don't make any decisions about the future now, they can wait, you need to concentrate on you and the baby. He doesn't need to know what you are planning to do other than to get through the coming weeks. Confide in your midwife too if necessary as what he has done and revealed may start impacting on your health - when my DH admitted to his affair and left me I couldn't eat, sleep etc and my anxiety levels went through the roof and I didn't have a pregnancy to think about.

Right now I hope he is doing everything in his power to support you and quite frankly nothing he can say to you atm that will make you feel better. And I second what others said, be prepared to hear more horrible stuff. It hurts like hell - I'm five months down the line and we have had 4 months of Relate counselling and it doesn't get easier quickly whatever path you choose to take.

Good luck.

BeautifulFlame Sat 26-Sep-09 11:44:49

concentrate on you, your baby and the birth. Your h has betrayed you, he doesn't deserve your headspace right now. Kick him out, let him think about what he has done and what he could potentially lose, consider an alternative birthing partner, friend/family. Once your baby has arrived and things are calmer then work on what you want to do with h. Also agree that he is drip feeding you.

diddl Sat 26-Sep-09 12:17:30

This is awful.
I don´t know what to say except very sad for you.

Has this woman got back in touch & is threatening to tell you?

Would it help if he/you moved out until after the birth?

dollius Sat 26-Sep-09 12:28:38

Is there anyone else who could be with you during the birth? Could your mother, sister etc come over to be with you?

Not to say you should bar him from it, just that if you do feel exposed with him there, you will have someone else to support you instead?

Try not to think about your marriage for now - just concentrate on getting through the last few weeks of your pregnancy and the birth. Just focus on what you need to get through that.

mrsjammi Sat 26-Sep-09 12:33:31

why the HELL is he telling you this now? poor you

I dont know what to say, other than you must try to put this to one side, at least until the baby has come and you have had time to recover from the birth.

dizietsma Sat 26-Sep-09 16:24:12

sad You poor thing. What an absolute cock he is, a) for cheating b) for repeatedly cheating c) for deciding that NOW of all times is the time to tell you (wanker) c) for drip feeding you.

The timing of this seems to indicate a couple of things. Either he's feeling neglected because all the attention is on you and the baby (more the sort of thing an abuser or narcissist would do), or he wants a clean slate for your new family life?

The drip feeding is unacceptable. I would be astonished if all he's told you is all there is to this, I'm so sorry. Insist on knowing everything, if he's serious about fixing the relationship he needs to 'fess up totally and honestly. This means taking total responsibility for his actions and getting to couples counselling arranged for you both quicksmart.

Whilst I understand the temptation to put this all to one side until after the baby is born, I would not wait until the baby is born to get counselling. New babies put a LOT of strain on the happiest of marriages and if this is bubbling away underneath the surface there will be a lot of unnecessary ugliness in the sleep deprived squabbles. I'm also concerned that your (totally understandable) grieving process over this infidelity could be misinterpreted as PND unless you establish otherwise beforehand with your H.

Tell everyone back home, you need support now more than ever. Perhaps get your mum or another close relative/friend to come and support you at the birth instead of him? Reach out, everyone gets excited about births so use that to get support. If you really have no-one to help you could always get a doula for the birth.

I can really see where you're coming from with the home birth, the whole point is to be somewhere you feel safe with people you trust. You could always attempt a home birth, and if it doesn't feel right transfer? Just have a hospital bag packed in case, read up about how hospital births go and how to deal with them.

Keep posting if it helps with the loneliness, we're here for you smile

JJsandcat Sat 26-Sep-09 17:32:39

Very sad for you, especially at this time when you feel vulnerable and you are gearing up for the birth. I agree with the others wondering what has prompted this sudden confession and esp. the revelations of what happened in the past. Surely, there was no need to tell you about this at all. He is an absolute *&%£!! for doing this to you now. I also think you need to brace yourself for more shit to come but really NOW is not the time to care about him. Do you have no-one to be with you for now? Can someone from your family, circle of friends come and be with you now?

Dietzisma gave very good advice re the baby business and birth. Sleep deprivation can chip away at the strongest people so you really shouldn't be alone or in the hands of someone who cannot be trusted.

ElenorRigby Sat 26-Sep-09 18:13:42

If the baby is born abroad it will make things very messy legally should the worse come to the worst. Would be be possible to get a flight home?
Are you both British nationals? Which country are you in?

dollius Sat 26-Sep-09 18:27:33

Yes, I would also consider going back to your own country to have the baby. This may not be practical of course, but it could help you avoid a lot of hassle later on if you decide to go back and your DH objects to you leaving (he will have a say over where the baby resides).

Even though you are 35 weeks pregnant, you can get a doctor's consent to get a flight if you don't have any complications.

LoulouCapone Sat 26-Sep-09 18:39:59

This may sound really awful but a) I agree that you are being drip fed and it's likely to get worse, and b) given the timing of his confessions it strikes me that someone has told him that if he doesn't tell you they will do it for him type thing...

I would leave, go to your family, or somewhere you can be properly supported and have your babe without this hanging over you, and deal with it as an aside, when you are feeling up to it and able.

I know exactly how you feel - I'm not saying leave forever, just remove yourself from it while you're so vulnerable. x

Heated Sat 26-Sep-09 18:48:05

Bloody rotten! So sorry this has happened.

You don't have to say where you are but I'm sure there are people on MN who are nearby who could offer some RL support to someone new to the area and you can always post here for some unqualified support.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 26-Sep-09 18:49:59

Do you believe him?

When he said it was one woman and one kiss, did you believe him?

What would you do if you weren't pregnant?

Have you asked him why he has told you now?

I am so sorry for you going through this.

skyward Sat 26-Sep-09 18:53:52

First off - I feel for you. There will be a lot of people saying 'kick him out' etc etc, but I think you will be in shock and shouldn't make any big decisions at the moment. To me it sounds as if he may have decided he needed to come clean before the baby is born, maybe in an attempt to start family life with a clean slate. The timing is terrible and he should have done it ages ago, but at least he has told you and you didn't find out from someone else. I think you will find some comfort from his honesty (albeit in drips and drabs) in the coming months. Good people can do stupid selfish things and maybe he feels really bad about it. You will definitely both need counselling to see if you can move forward, but not sure if now's the right time. Though saying that you might be able to get a few emergency sessions in before the baby is born so at least you can find a way to deal with the immediate feelings so that you can concentrate on your baby.
Totally agree with what the others are telling you - you need as many people around you who can support you as possible - friends, relatives etc etc. And you should tell your midwife/GP because something like this might well up your chances of getting post natal depression, so you need to be aware of that.

Good luck with everything. If you decide you want to stay with him people do get over these things, but it's a decision only you can make.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Sat 26-Sep-09 19:34:01

So very sorry and really feel for you. You are at your most vulnerable sadly, but I'm afraid here is the rub. I'm going to depart from the possible reasons put forward here, about why he's told you now, although I concede that they are all equally possible. I wonder whether he's trading and relying on the fact that you ARE at your most vulnerable at the moment and will therefore be much more likely to forgive these awful events at this time, more than any other?

Secondly, you need to tell your GP or midwife about this, because they do not, contrary to popular belief, screen a pregnant mum for STDs. You need to get checked out, for your own sake and that of your unborn baby's.

I'm so sorry, but as others will tell you on here, I suspect you are being drip-fed information. It is utterly implausible that he only "took" and did not receive - and it is much more likely that full sex happened with some, or all of these women.

At some point in the future, you will need to get to the root cause of why this has all happened, but for now, you need to nurture your own health - and that includes your mental health. Please confide in someone in RL, hard as I know that will be. Once you tell your health professionals (which you must), that will be an easier task.

I cannot imagine how awful you must be feeling, being pregnant with all this going on. I suspect apart from everything, it will be virtually impossible to forgive him for ruining this special time for you, but on a positive note. it IS possible to survive an affair. However, this can only be achieved with complete honesty, understanding of what happened and why - and a commitment from him (and belief from you) that this will NEVER happen again.

I don't think counselling is going to be appropriate at the moment while there is so much more to be revealed. If I'm right and he's trading on on your vulnerability, it might help if you burst that bubble and ask him to leave for a short while.

So very sorry. Horrible situation to be in.

thetattooedmagpie Sat 26-Sep-09 20:48:04

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

WhenWill beat me to it - I also think he's told you now because you are so vulnerable and he's banking on you forgiving and allowing him to stay as a result. I remember when I was pregnant how vulnerable I felt and I would have put up with all manner of crap I wouldn't have before.

Sadly I also think that the ' only giving oral sex ' line is bullshit. Most people would consider this more intimate than full sex - so its unlikely to be the first sexual act between two people. You need to encourage him to be honest with you - try to remain calm. The calmer you remain, the safer he will feel and the more likely to be honest. However, I would confide in your midwife and ask for a full STI screening - for your own peace of mind if anything.

Getting over this is going to be tough - he's wrecked a very, very special time for you and ultimately that will be harder to forgive than the infidelity.

I'd not stall until the baby is born - it would drive me mad. Start by talking things over with the midwife - they will have seen it before - and take their advice.

Keep posting and congratulations on the baby.

iliketurquoise Sat 26-Sep-09 20:58:41

i think you may need someone in RL to talk about this. and this someone must be able to be with you most of the time. its hard to take in this situation especially when you are 35 wks pregnant.

mathanxiety Sun 27-Sep-09 05:55:01

I think you really need your family, and should seriously consider going to your own country to have the baby and staying away from this cruel and selfish man (who is not telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth....) with his fantastic sense of timing.

No matter what way you decide to handle the future of your mariage (and the decision here is up to you, the ball is squarely in your court), your relationship will never, ever be the same. But remember, you get to dictate the terms of the relationship, if there is to be any in the future.

But the first thing to worry about is you and the baby and the support you can gather for yourself in RL. Deal with all this first. Do go and get tested for STDs. Please tell your family.

Jamieaffair Wed 03-Oct-12 06:12:31

So sorry to here your news. As a male I think the timing is pants but in his head I am thinking that he wants to try and wipe the slate clean as he doesn,t want to run the risk of losing you both further down the line if you found out via another source. Either that or the other woman was about to let the cat out of the bag.
The kissing other women is difficult as my wife has friends who have had drunken snogs as she says a kiss means nothing ( my eyes it does!), but I wouldn't worry so much about the kisses but the infidelity with the co worker which is What he wanted off his chest, my wife doesn't like receiving oral sex but when it does happen every year or so there is always more to it and I would guarantee your hubby had sex with the woman. My view would be to tell him you want him to do a lie test about the infidelity as you know a company that does it as your friends are convinced you did have sex with this woman and more than once. If he goes for the lie test without adverse reaction then either get the test done or be reassured he was telling the truth if he doesn't then he has a lad more beans to spill and every last one must be out or we check at h lie test!. Being a father will hopefully make him aware of his responsibilities and what he potentially can lose so remind him of that before you decide to give him that full and final chance as in my opinion if he is a good father type figure the child and you will benefit from being a family.

crackcrackcrak Wed 03-Oct-12 06:21:05

What a pathetic man. Loads if great advice here though. I know too well the sick feeling after finding out about infidelity. Sadly, odds on he told you before someone else did sad

Malificence Wed 03-Oct-12 08:11:08

This thread is three years old.

maandpa Wed 03-Oct-12 19:35:20

Oh my goodness, yes it is 3 years old! I thought the wise whenwillIfeelnormal was back on board then! I hope she is giving good advice else where.

And I hope the OP is enjoying her 3 year old, and is happy, whatever happened to her relationship.

butterflyroom Wed 03-Oct-12 20:30:49

WTAF? Why?

OhEmGee24 Wed 03-Oct-12 20:49:07

sad I am so sorry. Oral sex is extremely intimate, some may argue more intimate than intercourse sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now