About to give birth and fed up with my partner

[degroote78]

I am 33 weeks pregnant and feel as if my partner is not being supportive in some ways. I am not financially well off, I do ok, he decided to start a business in the recession and I have paid for everything through the pergnancy and had to help cover stuff for him not relating to the pregnancy. I have spent all my savings and am under pressure financially as still have to buy a pram, cot etc. I have told him that this must be his responsibility and his business has money coming soon but the payment keeps getting stalled. Every time I say anything I am apparently making him feel less of a man for not being able to provide. He never shows any gratitude for the amount of stuff I pay for and says well he would do the same but not say anything to me (this has been going on for a year and a half now). He didn't even get me a present for my birthday yesterday, I mean how much does it take to get a small gift. I have lost it with him today and feel I have taken enough responsibility finiancially. I have no savings left at all. Am I being unreasonable?

[thehairybabysmum]

No you're not. Sorry to say but it also sounds like you're being ripped off.

Do you really want to be partner to someone who doesnt even buy you a token birthday present??

[degroote78]

To be fair, he paid for stuff at the start of our relationship, so he's not taking me for a ride or anything like that, it's just since he started his business which he is completely wrapped up in. I would just like a bit of recognition for the fact that I have kept us afloat during this hard time and for him to recognise that I am under more pressure than he is as I am heavily pregnant and shouldn't be having to take on the stress of this stuff. I'm just fed up of being accused of being argumentative and making him feel rubbish whenever I bring anything up related to finances. The birthday present thing was just so thoughtless it really upset me.

[SheWillBeLoved]

A year and a half? Has his business made any money at all besides this due payment?

I think he needs to grow the hell up, realize that his little business venture isn't quite the success he imagined it to be, and get a job and help to support his family.

You make him feel rubbish? It's all about him. Does he stop to think of how he is making you feel?

[degroote78]

That's the problem he is so wrapped up in himself, that's why I lost it today as I said I am under too much pressure and his answer was "what do you think I'm under". All well and good but he is not pregnant, emotional and nearly giving birth.

His business has made enough money to pay his half of the rent, some food and the occasional bill but any treats I have to pay for - no money for going out, cinema etc. I have also had to foot the majority of the money for a holiday (not exactly expensive ones just a few days away) and pay the deposit on our flat. If he hasn't had the money to pay for things that's when I've had to step in and it has happened quite frequently. I wouldn't mind if I was rich but I only earn £26,000 - that is not enough to cover a couple in London! I may be old fashioned but I think it is time for the man to take over the finances a bit more when a woman is pregnant as the stress of money worries has made me very down during my pregnancy and I can't discuss it because it then becomes me creating an argument.

[GrendelsMum]

Well, I'd say that the financial situation sounds pretty standard for a new business - if anything, it doesn't seem to be going too badly, if he can pay rent and food bills. It does take a long time to get a business going, and before it makes a reasonable level of money. Running a business is not a sure-fire way to make money by any means. As he says, you can put bills in, but customers don't necessarily pay. And of course, you weren't expecting a baby when he set the business up.

Is the problem really that you don't think you ever agreed to offer him the financial support that he needs to set up a business? That he set this up without telling you it would potentially have a major impact on your lives? You do sound very angry with him for setting up the business, and I do empathise with you about that. It is a big financial responsibility for you, and should have been a joint decision - but I wouldn't be surprised if your partner never realised it would be as hard as it is. Is money really all that's at stake? Is he spending less time with you than you'd like as well, for example? What's more, it sounds really important to you both that the man is the main provider - you're both feeling that he's failing in his role as a man, just at the time when he's going to be taking on new responsibilities as a dad.

It sounds like you want him to find a full-time job and give up the business. Would this actually be possible? Is he likely to be able to find a job? Will his current business be an asset on his CV or a liability?

If he finds a full-time job, plus your baby, realistically he's going to need to give up the business. Is he going to fill happy with that after all the time and money he's put in so far? Would you feel happy with that?

If he wants to keep the business going, would you rather stay with him, or end the relationship and find someone new?

[dizietsma]

For some perspective-

When I was pregnant DH's salary covered the rent. After that we had 350 pounds a month to live off and pay bills with, between the two of us. The only thing I bought new for my DD was a cot mattress. On top of that, 8 months pregnant, the landlords told us we needed to stump up and extra 600 pounds or we'd be evicted. Then the electricity company told us they'd miscalculated our bills by 2000 pounds over the space of 2 and a half years. Treats? Our treats were our monthly shopping visits to Asda.

I don't mean to belittle your struggle, but 26,000/year + whatever else your OH can contribute doesn't sound so bad by comparison. Even in London.

He says he feels like you think he's less of a man for not providing and imply that that is not how you feel, but then say that you think it's the mans job to take on financial matters when his OH is pregnant. I think that's a double standard.

Also, the business is 18 months old, and you're about to give birth? You must've known things weren't gonna be peachy financially when you got pregnant, so I think you're being a bit disingenuous.

Obviously the present thing was thoughtless, and you're right to be upset about that, but I think the rest of your resentment comes from clinging to outdated gender stereotyping. Sorry.

[mathanxiety]

He sounds like an ego tripper to me. A business is not an extension of your personality, it is a means to an end, namely the support of your family, and especially your baby and partner when she can't work while taking care of the newborn. Plenty of men take a part-time job as well as running their own business, if the business doesn't generate enough income when faced with increased expenses and family responsibility that the OH will be unable to deal with because she is the one physically having the baby.

[degroote78]

Thanks for your comments. It's useful to get some other points of view as I am quite stressed and hormonal at the moment.

In answer to GrendelsMum, I will stay with him even if he does decide to keep the business going as I want him to be fulfilled. I think I just need a bit more support from him at the moment and for him to face up to his responsibilities e.g. he drives a BMW - sell it and free up some cash to take the pressure off me!

In answer to dizietsma, I am not some 1950's housewife who expects a man to pay for everything while I stay at home and bake pregnant and barefoot. I actually work very hard in quite a high pressure job and have no problem with going dutch as a couple. I feel like all the pressure is on me at the moment and I have enough on my plate and think he needs to grow up a bit and take on the reponsibility. You don't sound very happy with your own situation, so don't use that as a reason to attack me. I am having a baby and going on maternity leave so how is it a gender stereotype to expect my partner to take care of the finances until I go back to work!

[DutchGirly]

Setting up a business is very hard and it can be financially difficult in the first couple of years. However, it don't think he is a ego tripper, merely passionate about what he does, most entrepreneurs are.i

However, f he can afford a BMW then he can afford to contribute a bit more, I agree with you there.

[mathanxiety]

When a business isn't generating income and a wife mentions that (and the couple needs the income because they are going to have a baby,) and the man responds that she is making him feel less of a man for not being able to provide, I think he's way too emotionally involved in the business, and needs to separate his ego from it, face financial realities, however humbling they may be, and start doing the grown-up, father-to-be thing. He has not completely understood the idea that they are now a family unit and have mutual responsibilities, and now a shared responsibility to the baby. There is a disconnect on the part of the H, both emotional (he got himself a BMW while the OP can't afford basic baby items..) and in terms of acknowledging financial reality.

[GrendelsMum]

Hmmm - if it's a choice of BMW or pram, then it's pram all the way, and bye-bye BMW.

I think the issue with a business, though, is that in reality you're often committed for the long term - it does take a long time before it makes a real income, and if you stop before that, you've wasted the time that you put into it so far. I also suspect that in reality running a business makes people less employable rather than more employable. I really do sympathise, because there have been moments when I've wanted to run into DH's office with an axe and destroy everything related to his business.

We've agreed on an time limit - DH will stop running the business in 4 years time, and the aim is to sell before then. We also have worked out times when he will work on the business and times when he won't, and the amount of time he'll spend away from home. Would this kind of negotation help you?

[degroote78]

I think it would or the agreement that he gets a part-time job once my maternity pay stops. I am very fortunate to be on full pay for 4 1/2 months and then the normal government maternity, so we do have some time to sort the situation out.

[Doha]

Perhaps showing your true colours now Degroote78.

There was absolutly no need for you to post like that.

Overmydeadbody only posted what l am sure many of us were thinking