I am too shy to mix. What can I do?

[HarryB]

Bit of background as to why I am posting. My niece (who lives miles away so brother can't bring her that often), recently stayed with us and my DS - who is 8 months old - interacted brilliantly with her and it's made me feel so guilty that I haven't been taking him to baby groups. I want to take him, but am very shy. I did take DS to a yoga class when he was about 8 weeks old and there were a couple of lovely girls there that told me about another group to go along to, but DS got a cold and I guess that was a good excuse not to go - the real reason of course was my shyness and the inner panic I feel with people I don't know. I also blush a lot, get hot and mix my words up when nervous.

I saw the girls today in town and I actually hid in a shop. In addition to feeling like a freak, I also felt gutted that I didn't just take the plunge and go along to that group - I could have made a couple of good friends. I know the group is still ongoing, and I do want to go but now I'm worried that they might think I snubbed them all those months ago and on top of that, the shyness will still be there.

I hate being this way and worry about how I'll mix with other mums when the time comes for baby parties etc. I know it's a long way off but I'm a bit of a worrier - suffice to say, I've recently been diagnosed with post-natal anxiety.

If you've read this far thank you. This post is a bit all over the place, but any advice from similar shy (or non-shy) mums would be appreciated.

many thanks

[tobago04]

Bless you,i know how you feel,i'm quite shy too,i've found that i try and focus on my dds to take the attention away from me when at playgroups,i'm sure the other mums wont think bad of you,sounds like they would be aware of your shyness anyway so just try and take the plunge and go along.Have you got a friend you could go with? Also i really don't want my dds to be shy like me so i try hard not to show it in front of them

[ilovetochat]

i find it hard going to groups with dd as im always on my own wheras lots of moms seem to know each other.
i find activity groups better than baby group/toddler group as there is something specific to do rather than wander about chatting.
i take dd to lots of things now but still havent made friends unfortunately

[cheerfulvicky]

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, because I'm basically just like you and I'm not doing anything about it. But I know EXACTLY how you feel For me, the shyness is winning; I'd rather be shy and alone, because DS is still only 1 and it's early days. I suspect when he is older or I get too lonely, that will win out, and either overcome the anxiety or at least dwarf it so that I actually do something. As it is, I'm happier not going to mums and babies groups.

It does make me sad though, because I promised myself before DS was born that when I had a baby it would be a great talking point and there would be no excuses not to make friends with other mums. Now he's here I still don't want to, but I feel horribly guilty like I'm letting him down in some way, or that he's missing out. So I know what you mean about that.

ilovetochat, that's a good idea about activities. I'm thinking when DS is old enough to do that sort of stuff (craft workshops, tumbletots), I can take him to stuff and just endure it for his sake. I do this with the library, sometimes there are other mums and babies there and I don't know how to talk to the other children or their mums, I end up over analyzing and feeling like a fool, or get worried when DS falls over & screams and it echoes everywhere.

Ahem, I rambled a bit but you're certainly not alone HarryB, just wanted you to know that.
x

[HarryB]

Thank you both.

Tobago, not wanting DS to be shy too is one of the reasons I need to come out of myself. All my friends are baby-less and at work so I don't have anyone to go with unfortunately.

ilovetochat, great name for a shy person . I know what you mean about having an activity in common so will look into that.

I really want to change for my DS. I don't want to be known as the stand-offish mum.

[HarryB]

You didn't ramble cheerfulvicky. I know exactly how you feel. You know you need to do something and you keep telling yourself that you will but like you say, the shyness wins.

I'm cringing and can't believe I hid in a shop rather than face two women that were, err, nice.

[cheerfulvicky]

I did that recently. Sometimes I'm just not prepared for other people, I need to get geared up. I've worked out I'm an introvert which helps in some ways towards just accepting that I do like being alone more than most.

Oh yes - one thing I am actually doing is working on my own shyness completely separately from the baby social thing. I'm starting to go to the gym to lose my extra flab, putting myself slightly out of my comfort zone (I don't really do gyms, normally). I'm hoping if I keep upping the pressure and doing lots of things I don't like, I will eventually have the mental stamina to face a mum and baby group and not CARE if no-one there speaks to me.
Good luck!

[tobago04]

I do it all the time HarryB,DH is always saying hello to people he went to school with,me i just look the other way,i must look so rude sometimes but i just go bright red! Hate it,got to think about going back to work soon too and have know idea what i'd do,we are currently ttc for no.3 so hopefully i wont have to then

[catinthehat2]

If you ever get a chance to look in a mirror when you are blushing you may be surprised. What feels like a Force 10 volcano eruption all over your face lasting for half an hour can be in reality a slight raised pinkiness for a moment or two. Once you realise that people actually can't see it particularly, it kind of stops appearing at awkward moments which only adds to your confidence.

[mpuddleduck]

Harryb, Iam also very shy, but have found that the needs of my children come first and force me to go into challenging situations.

When I had dd1 nearly 15 years ago I felt just like you. I contacted Meet a mum, it was one of the best things I could have done. They put me in touch with a mum who lived just a mile away from me. We met, and became good friends, we were able to take our dc to groups and activities together.