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Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

(626 Posts)
AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 10:34:32

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

mrsmortenharket Tue 08-Sep-09 10:40:49

he was continually emotionally abusive and used money as well as a form of control, even tho he was in full time job i found that i was paying for most, if not all, of dd's clothing shoes etc.

i'm sorry i don't have much time today to post but will keep a watch on this thread xx

ps what are of country you in? i'm in sw.

LewisFan Tue 08-Sep-09 10:45:25

hey, good for asking... seeing other people have done it may spur you on

do you still want my story (its a bit long!)

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 10:54:06

Yes please LewisFan

MrsMH thanks for replying, I pay for all of DS's things too and when pg bought every baby item, even decorated nursery myself. Am in EastYorkshire.

I am hoping other people's experiences will help yes, seeing that other people have done it, made that scary decision and gone on to not regret it may help I think as right now it would immediately be easier to stay in the short term. But. I need to think longterm which is hard when you feel ground down and tired.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 08-Sep-09 10:56:31

Mine was easy as he took a job in America, but we also were quite young and I was still at college. I had tried many times before and I don't know why I couldn't back up the words with actions.

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 11:20:52

Wish it was that easy here fivegomad grin

NicknameTaken Tue 08-Sep-09 11:30:36

Agonized for ages. Went to counselling and posted a lot on another online forum. Talked to Women's Aid. Kept a diary setting out the things he did, as I had great difficulty remembering them. I tried standing up for myself and he got worse and more physical.

One day I cracked and told Women's Aid I wanted to get out. It was as if I was hearing someone else talking. They arranged a refuge and the fact that it had all been arranged made me go through with it. I desperately wanted to call it off, but felt I'd have to explain it to WA, to my counsellor, to people online....I needed external reasons to keep me strong. The first few days in the refuge, I kept thinking I'd made a terrible mistake and I had to ask the staff to talk me out of going home. Awful first week. I'd read that it takes seven attempts to leave, and I thought, damnit, I'll beat the odds and stay away on my first attempt (what can I say, I'm competitive!)

I still get twinges of regret after nearly four months. But when I'm lying in bed, sometimes I think I hear him coming up the stairs, and my first reaction is fear, not love, and that says it all.

LewisFan Tue 08-Sep-09 11:35:43

well make sure you're sat comfortably..!

I met him online and got groomed, is the only way I can explain it ... so after my a-levels I left home to move in with him in the uhhhhhh, let me think - september (300 miles away!) and it started almost immediately...

I got the "if you loved me, you'd...." and ended up being bullied into sleeping with him by October that same year...

The things he called me were horrific, but it started very subtly - I can't honestly remember a lot of it because i've put a mental block on it, but it was viscious.

I fell pregnant in the january the following year (so 3m from meeting him) and found out half way through the pregnancy that he'd taken the condom off to trap me... yes, those words from his mouth. Nice, eh? still, it wasn't so bad, right - we were engaged and married in the May and it was only a few harsh words so hey, i'll stick it out and change him

Anyway, DS came along that October, so now 1yr after meeting, and things got a LOT worse. He came with me to every post-natal appointment, especially the ones where they do the pnd exam etc and answered for me - the doc let him, strangely, but where we were is very much in the dark ages (ie women = slave).... anyway, we moved back to near my family and the abuse got worse - he'd force me to have sex and do stuff to him and he'd do stuff to me and his verbal abuse escallated behind closed doors.

My parents knew something was wrong when one day I was upstairs in the bedroom with him, he'd come home from work at 2am absolutely tanked up and started saying he was taking DS back to his homeland and I wouldn't see him cos I was unfit, mental, unstable etc - the usual - we were living with my parents so I just screamed and my mum ran in ... she told him he'd meet his demise long before me (and meant it) and he shut up for that night, but still I stayed

we went into a council hostel waiting for housing and one night he tried to throw me out of the car (at 70mph) to drive off with ds... I stayed in the car, waited for him to park, he punched me, i grabbed ds, hid and rang my parents who came to get me - the next day he was gone, home....

it was a lot more dramatic than that but I can't remember a lot of it

i remember he locked me in the house one day without a means to escape or call for help (took mobile and landline with him) saying I was unfit and would let ds pram go under a bus so not safe to be out on my own or something.....

he'd come home from work and let rip, he'd do the things I pointed out on your other thread... just totally hammering me from all sides (other than physical til the night i left - that was the last straw)

so, I left and here we are, 6 years down the line....

if you want any more details, please let me know (not sure how much makes sense) and ill do my best to fill in ... but as I said - I don't know what's happened but i actually physically can not remember some stuff - esp about dS's early development... I've no idea when he smiled, sat, weaned etc... none of the milestones

LewisFan Tue 08-Sep-09 11:36:53

omg, its a bloody essay - sorry

bubblagirl Tue 08-Sep-09 11:37:26

it took 4 long hard years i just got so worn down and so sick of it i just in the middle of him screaming at me once again looked at him and realised i couldn't do this any more it wasn't easy 6 mths it took for me to feel happy and secure with my decision i still felt the old twangs of guilt is he sad and unhappy now but soon realised he never thought of me so i should not spend so much time thinking of him spent more time at work and started socialising with work mates and soon never even thought so much of him im still affected by how he treated me and i left him 8 yrs ago now but mentally i was affected but can say i have moved on i did manage to meet 2 similar people along the way but recognised the signs and realised i needed to make my self stringer as to not attract these types of people have now been with my dp 6 yrs and have ds 4.3

it was not easy but it did just get to the point he'd pushed me too far and i just knew i had to go

packed up and moved without telling him. friends and family rallied to help.

went back to him.

2nd time he was already kicked out the house but coming and going as he pleased as his house.

did same again.

packed up secretly and moved with all furniture with friends and family, 2 vans in under 1 hr.

never told him for months where i stayed till i was sure he wouldn't come round and kick off while dc here.

cut ties with anyone and everyone who would give out my location.

moved somewhere rural where it was easy to spot someone following me annd had garage to hide the car.

found a truly great landlord.. explained whole situation and he let me move in even though by benefits were 3 months coming through he never complained at all.let me pay deposit by installments.

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 11:52:51

Thanks for these replies, I do think I would have to move out as you did DONTtouch - while he is at work or something and tell him when he came home, as other wise I know he would talk me round. How did you manage to organise everything, financially and logistically without him realising? I am worried about him realising I am thinking of leaving and being really nicey nice as I will get sucked back in. That landloord sounds lovely - wish there were more around like that!

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 12:10:39

Lewisfan, bubblagirl, nicknametaken, fivego, and don'ttouch - thank you.

This has really crept up on me, been together 8 years and it is all very subtle and hard to pin down if that makes sense. No violence but we co sometimes have him swearing and stomping about which is no pleasant and TBH makes me think 'oh for F's sake don't be such a petulant child'. Also he is never able to find things, usually they are right in front of him an when I find them I am accused (but in a jokey manner so I can't say anything on return without being 'touchy' that I had hidden said item. Or item will have been put away in it's rightful place by me (as I am now expected apparently to keep a clean and tidy house) and he will say 'right', sigh, and stamp off to go get it. hmm

Lewisfan your ex sound scary, glad you got away in the end.

Do any of you have children involved who stil see their Dad's / your ex?? How do you find that aspect?
It's these little things and many other little things, all the time that are doing my head in.

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 12:14:12

I am struggling to dial WA, hate being on the phone recently, even if friend's call I don't answer unless it's my sister or him. blush

i have 2 dc with this ex. i take dc to his. he's only been here to collect them once when they were getting flight at 4am. he occasionnall drops them off.

he was once given a chance to step over the door and he started criticising the fridge.

he's no longer allowed in the house AT ALL

as for finance. just went to benefits office and told them. explained and they started my claim from the date i went in.

there no local HA houses in this area. i had to find private and claim HB

on the day the move my sister got kids to get their fav toys together and they came to new house first and waited for us.

they loved it from day 1. and have become completely different people. much happier, independant little people. they no longer cling to me. they disappear off and play with their toys.

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 13:45:14

I have called Women's Aid. I ended up sobbing down the phone and when I put the phone down just howled and cried for a good five minutes. blush The lady was really nice and has pointed me in the right direction regarding housing and a bond scheme (where private rent deposit would be paid). She asked me to call her back tomorrow and let her know how I got on as there are otheragencies who do bond schemes too.

Am relieved and scared all at once!

Have also taken pics of loads of baby and boys clothes to sell on the for sale boards, and have some DVDs to take into town tomorrow to sell at CEX. I thought I could open a saving's account and put any money from bits and bobs I sell into it. Does that sound like a good idea?

ATA

I am very proud of you, you were very brave to make that call. The first step out is one of the hardest to make.

Do call the lady back tomorrow and the idea of a savings account sounds like a good one too.

Keep us posted

Attila

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 14:28:20

Hi Attila - You will have me crying again! I have just had a shower as I felt all grotty from nervous sweating before calling and crying afterwards! Feel a bit better now and off to pick DS up soon after his first day of school, I really hope he has been okay.

The trouble I have is no council housing near DS's school and no money for a deposit on private rent so am hoping I hear good news about this bond scheme tomorrow. Will let you all know how I get on.

NicknameTaken Tue 08-Sep-09 14:32:22

Well done, Aboard! The savings account is a great idea.

I have one dd with x. He didn't her for a couple of weeks when we moved out, as I was afraid he would literally run off with her, so I arranged contact through a contact centre. Now that I have a (temporary) residence order, he has her a couple of days a week. He hasn't been to our house and I don't think he knows exactly where it is. We do a handover in the local train station or the library.

LewisFan Tue 08-Sep-09 15:55:32

fantastic progress ata .... a savings account is a fab idea, but makes sure it's instant access and you hide it really well x

well done for ringing WA - it takes a lot of courage

you've taken the very first step to freedom!! how cool is that!

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 16:22:06

Well am off to town centre tomorrow to housing office, so will also pop into bank about the savings account.

I still don't feel as though I am leaving, just taking very tiny steps towards it if that makes sense? If I think about the whole leaving period and the upset of it etc I get too panicky. blush sad

NIckname taken, sounds like what you have in place is right for your situation.

My concerns regarding access are - conversations at handover time and him trying to get back into my personal life, and also whether he will put himself out for DS when I am not there as he doesn't at the moment, eg we socialise some evenings with DS in tow, and I will go home earlier than DP and older boys with DS, or come into the house so DS can go to bed say if we have a BBQ that goes on late. Will he get up with him th morning, listen to DS when he is talking, etc? Maybe he will, I guess I won't know until we get to that stage of things.

AboardtheAxiom Tue 08-Sep-09 16:26:16

Oh I forgot to post - when I go to housing office tomorrow, I have been told by women's aid lady that I will need to give examples of how I am being abused. I thought I could just write a general list as otherwise I will get upset, forget things, etc.

NicknameTaken Tue 08-Sep-09 16:41:34

I agree, one step at a time. The big picture can be too overwhelming. I definitely think it's a good idea to write down as much as you can remember. Handy not only for WA but also for your solicitor later if you need one.

mathanxiety Tue 08-Sep-09 16:48:06

Decided the end really had come when he was away for a few days and I found I cold breathe nice deep breaths. It was nice to be able to do things I wanted to without worrying about "feedback". When I waited for his return I realised I wasn't breathing the same, started casting my eye around for things he would immediately find fault with...

AboardtheAxiom -- why not just print out your posts for WA? All of them. They are like a diary, and very clear about what he is doing to you. Good luck, this is so hard, but stay strong.

popcorn123 Tue 08-Sep-09 20:50:57

Hi You sound like you are getting sorted.
It took me a long time to get the courage to leave. He had no respect for view and I couldn't discuss leaving with him as he would threaten to kill himself or get violent.
I wrote down everything masty he did toremind myself during the brief good spells. I saved what i could in searate acccount. Looked for rental properties - found one close by and moved out with help when he was at work. He has made me feel bad out that ever since but really there was no other option.
Emotionlly it has been very hard for me mainky because I have not had many people to confide in and talking about it makes it so much more managable.

My dc's are so much more confident and happy - I take it for granted now but during the 6 months after I left ds1 was transformned from one of the clingiest, most emotionally labile boys at nusery to one of the most confident and outgoing. It is definately worth it.

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