Split up with dp over his drinking, what do I do now??

[shatteredmumsrus]

As some of you may know from previous posts my dp is a heavy drinker and the problem has been there from the beginning I was just too stupid to see it. He is a lovely man with some great qualities but the drinking blows all them away. He gets ratty, foul temper and generally not pleasant to be around after a drink or when he 'wants' a drink. Not an everyday, vodka in the morning man just drinks beer too fast and too frequently. It gets in the way of a 'normal' family life. Anyway after spening too much money on beer when we didnt have the mortgage money was the straw that broke the camels back for me and 3 weeks ago he lef surprisingly without a fight and is staying with a friend. We have 2 boys 5 and 9 who adore him although there was communication problems between dp and eldest son recently . Dps lack of patience etc... He has begged me to come back and has been at a low eversince. Im so unsure on how I feel though, confused isnt the word. I dont know if I miss him, if i love him or if i want him back. I enjoy the tranquility of it now he is gone and the house is an altogether quieter place. Not sure if its happier. Youngest son asks for him alot, the eldest rarely but did say the other night can Daddy come back if he promises not to shout. Dp only has to say the slightest thing to him and he cries. dp says that its my fault for always butting in when he is telling him off but its that dp doesnt talk appropriately to him and speaks before he thinks. Spoke to partner tonight and explained that I want to want him to come nack but im not sure i do. He said he understands and that he is having trouble convincing himself that its for the best. Said he needs to be alone and sort himself out. He has tried nefore to sort his drinking out but it always ends up back here. He is attending aquarious metings ( alcohol councilling) What the heck do I do???? What if he enjoys living alone, what if he meets someone else. What if I leave it that long I dont want to live with him again>>>> Please advide Mnetters????

[Besom]

This is really difficult for you but if you end up begging him to come back because he is now saying he isn't sure if he wants to, you will be giving him carte blanche to drink as much as he likes and treat everyone however he wants.

There won't be an incentive for him to change and also, in the long run it won't send a good message to your sons.

You are asking yourself all the 'what ifs' but what if you have to live with a drunk for the rest of your life and what if your children start to think that this is how men behave and turn out like him?

I think you should listen to him, let him have space and leave him to get on with it. Of course the children will miss him but they will cope and in the long run it is much better for them not to have to live with that.

I really hope things work out for you.

[shatteredmumsrus]

Thanks for reply. I agreed with him and said its for the best but deep down I still want him to ask me to come back. Natural I suppose.

[Besom]

It is totally natural and you're bound to be confused and having a wobble (to put it mildly) about it all.

Do you really want him to come back though? You sound very ambivalent about it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

shattered

Don't take him back; he has put you all through more than enough over the years. You will make a huge mistake if you do take him back now because he will revert back to type.

If he is truly serious now about tackling his drink problem (and it is still very early days) along with the issues that have led up to this happening then you need to back off completely and let him deal with this on his own without contact from you. He has started to pick on your 9 year old, your 9 year old does not need that in his young life at all. Not surprised he rarely asks for him, I can see why.

You are the last person who can help your partner, I do not mean that unkindly but you as his partner will end up enabling him again (many women do in these types of situations). Enabling helps no-one at all and can prevent the person from seeing the consequences of their actions. I would agree fully with Besom's response.

It is hard for you but you're better off apart and happier rather than you being with him and miserable because of his alcohol problem. Your children will thank you as well. Having a alcoholic parent in the household does children no favours whatsoever. It can and does harm them emotionally.

Talk to Al-anon if you have not already done so, you need real life support too.

[shatteredmumsrus]

thankyou meerkat!

[hefner]

It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation and it's completely understandable that you're unsure what to do. You mentioned that your dp is attending aquarius meetings. They provide support for family and friends of people with an alcohol problem so it might be worth you getting in touch with them for some advice or just to talk to someone who understands what you're going through. Aquarius.org.uk has a section for friends and family you might find helpful.

I hope things work out for you.