Hi Sleeping.
I think its great that you're not allowing him to dictate your behaviour, you obviously understand that that is exactly what he is trying to do. But you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who is even trying to do this. Do you want to have to constantly fight your corner, stick up for your rights and stand up to him? There are a lot of red flags here, a lot. You have obviously been involved in an abusive relationship before, can you remember how that started out? From my experience it can start out a lot like this, little things that don't seem like that big a deal, that you can handle perfectly well and you feel like you are in control. But over the years it wears you down, it starts to become more and more and you start to give in because it makes your life a lot easier and so on until you know where you might end up.
Only you know what is really going on and only you can make the decision whether to put up with this or not but the fact that you are worrying about it is a big red flag in itself, especially the fact that you say
"feelings of panic that welled up when oh started putting me down and trying to take over."
Those feelings are trying to help you and they are very important. I would hesitate a guess that you are (conciously or not) recognising the similarity here between how you feel when your new partner is doing what you mentioned to how you felt when your ex did something you know now was so wrong. The feelings you are experiencing are trying to warn you and your body is making you panic, it wants you to run away. You really need to listen to what you are feeling, it is the most accurate guide of what is really going on and will tell you everything you need to know, much more so than people on these boards or even your own logical thought. Please don't ignore it.
Also, please don't feel bad that you may have been caught in the same trap again. These men are very good at what they do, if they weren't no woman would go near them. In the beginning of the relationship if they were recognisably abusive then you would run a mile because you would have nothing much invested in the relationship, hopefully lots of confidence and self esteem, and nothing to loose. They don't start out like that because they know very well that they wouldn't keep you if they did. They start out fantastic to hook you in but there are always these little red flags- you have done so well and learnt so much to be able to recognise them in time. So don't feel bad about yourself. Tribpots idea for the pattern changing course is a really good one- it will help you even more and give you more confidence to trust yourself and your instincts.
I think what you are trying to do in setting up confidence classes is amazing and so admirable. But I have two suggestions if you are interested.
The first is to help yourself first. I think you should go on as many different confidence building classes that you can, read as many confidence building books that you can, and additionally get support and advice from people who work with victims of domestic violence if these are going to be one of the groups of women that you are interested in helping. You could even see about volunteering at a domestic violence helpline or something, whatever is available or appeals to you. This will be excellent research for seeing how other professionals work, the kind of exercises they do, the kind of advice that they give and will help you identify areas which you think they might be missing, things that your classes could address. And it will also help your own confidence, even if you don't think you need help, it could just be about helping you have the confidence to go for it with your business idea! I would recommend three books for you to read for starters- A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
My second suggestion is that you really think about what you want the women to get out of the classes you are proposing. All your research will help you understand what things will be important for them. The reason I'm saying this is because (and please don't take this the wrong way, its not meant as criticism for what you are trying to do) I'm not sure that classes in flirting and burlesque are quite right for what I think you are trying to do. (Again this is just my opinion and I could be completely wrong here.) You spoke so passionately about the strength of the women you saw in refuges, in my mind there is just so many more positive ways to encourage this kind of inner strength rather than helping them to conform in a world where flirting helps you get ahead. Yes, turning situations to their best advantage is a good idea, but what about teaching them to ask directly and assertively for what they want, need, expect and are entitled too as human beings, rather than showing them how to use their feminine wiles to get what they want and feel good about themselves? It does so much more for my confidence and sense of self worth when I just actually ask for what I want directly as one human being to another, rather than charming someone to get what I want. Even though the end result is the same, by doing it my way I feel like I am rejecting the system that expects me, as a woman, to be submissive, attractive, flirtatious and charming in my interactions, something which is not expected of men. Why can't I just ask for what I need as a human being rather than resorting to what can sometimes feel like underhand tactics? Do you see what I mean? I'm going to recommend another book- The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf.
Sorry if this is a bit of a feminist rant!
Best of luck to you Sleeping, whatever you decide to do. x