Hope - We are a year on from discovery and like others have said, it is by far the hardest thing either of us have been through.
My DH also had a breakdown and post-discovery, went for counselling on his own. It did help enormously, but for us the right time to do this was a couple of months after the nightmarish initial aftermath.
There have been wonderful times over the past year, re-discovering our deep love for each other and the renewal of what had become a routine sex life. But there have been terrible times, when I have questioned everything and have felt sure I couldn't carry on, knowing that he had hurt me so badly. The pain has been truly awful and the flashbacks horrendous.
In the early days, my self-esteem was at rock bottom. This came on top of an awful year for me professionally (I run my own business), serious ill health in the extended family and some money worries (although no more than usual).
Slowly but surely, my self-esteem returned. I won some new contracts, so professionally, that helped. My husband has also completely restored my esteem as a woman and has been the most attentive, adoring husband I could hope for. I know I am also far kinder to him and for the past year, it is like we have been passionately in love. It has been an extraordinary surprise that I could fall in love with him all over again after 24 years.
We didn't tell a soul about any of this and so our renewed love for each other has been commented on repeatedly by family and friends. We did tell them that my husband had a work-related breakdown and that he was being counselled. Given the job he does, everyone seems to have accepted this - and like everything, it is partially true. My husband had been getting more and more stressed and depressed at work, was hitting 45 and the affair was an escape mechanism.
In our case, he changed roles and that made a massive difference. The new post means he has far more time at home and everything about my life now is easier than it was a year ago. He and OW didn't work together (she was a blast fom the past who got in touch out of the blue) and so the affair was pretty contained - he didn't tell anyone about it, which was probably why his stress levels became so much worse during the affair.
Sometimes I wish I had confided in a few trusted people and I'm still considering counselling for myself. The only person I've ever talked to about it is him - and at times, I'm sure it would have been better for me to have had another outlet. Unfortunately, I only discovered MN last January, but I suppose that has been my outlet.
At the time, we felt it was best not to discuss this with anyone, because we hadn't told the children (still young enough not to draw any conclusions) and it was easy for us to do this. This was mainly my decision too - I know myself pretty well and unfortunately, one of my faults is pride and I knew my self-esteem would take a further bashing if I had to admit to anyone that my so-called perfect marriage wasn't so perfect after all. I know that sounds pretty shallow, but I'm also a firm believer that in these extraordinary times, you have to do what ever it takes to get through the days.
It took almost a year to feel intense happiness and joy - I had just such a moment two weeks ago. I thought it would never happen again and I felt in the early days, my life was ruined.
The trust is back too and I genuinely don't think he will ever do this again. He is truly horrified at what he did and that he almost lost us. I have also said to him that there will be no second chances, but it almost seems redundant now, as the trust really is there again. That said, I know I wouldn't take him back again - and so does he.
I have also said that I cannot promise him "forever" any more. Our marriage is wonderful now and it is my choice to remain in it. But whereas before, I was able to promise him a lifetime, I still cannot do that yet. He says that he can live with that uncertainty and understands why I feel that way.
Because my focus this past year has been on rebuilding my marriage, the children and the usual work/home issues, I do feel I have lost the ability to connect deeply with people a bit; friends and the bigger family. That seems to have been a casualty of all this and is something I know I want to work on now. I can also see that by not letting anyone help me with this trauma, this has added to the feelings of disconnection.
I'm afraid it still consumes me and we still talk about it most nights. For me, the only way to deal with this was for me to know everything. In the early days, my husband was deluding himself as much as me about some issues and even now we gain fresh insights.
I absolutely detest OW and still have fantasies about her coming to a slow, painful end. My husband probably detests her more though. This in no way absolves him of his total responsibility, but the truth is that both parties are to blame in an affair. She behaved monstrously throughout (and after he ended it) and I get very cross when people suggest that OW are blameless. I live in hope that I will hear that her own husband has left her and that she has a rotten life. I make no apology for that either - both her and my H were to blame.
Happy to share more Hope if you need it, but have rambled on long enough probably!