Feel trapped-please help!

[epona]

Have been with DH for 19 years, have a four yr old DD with him. We've always had a stormy relationship. He left me lots of times before we had DD. Since then we have stayed together. His parents divorced and it devastated his life, so he doesn't see that as an option for us.
Recently he has been getting angry and paranoid. He is never violent but is aggressive and verbally abusive, and I tend to react in the same way. I can tolerate a certain level of this. I get moody and grumpy myself and he is often patient with me. But it is getting too much. He has depression and anxiety and is not able to work at mo, after working full time for years. He doesn't like me talking about him to anyone else. He keeps getting into conflicts with other people, and then he gets paranoid and social phobic. He hardly has any friends these days, seems to hate most people, v. dissillusioned with the world. Can't seem to help him get positive. He has violent fantasies about the people who piss him off.

I feel trapped because I can't make it better and I can't leave. I told him to leave a couple of years ago, when he walked out on me after a row. I didn't see him for days and didn't know where he was. After that he nearly took an overdose of prozac and said I was taking DD away from him. I would never dream of it. It's like he thinks I will do to him what his mum did to his Dad.

He is taking antidepressants and not immediately suicidal, but keeps saying he's going to die young. Tonight he said DD won't see him on her 40th birthday(meaning because he'll be dead). Last night he said he wants to die when he's 70. He keeps drinking lager and loads of coffee and thinks he's killing himself with it.

I got angry with him tonight about the birthday comment, I feel tortured listening to this so much. My mum died 3 yrs ago, I saw what my Dad went through and don't want my daughter to go through what I went through when she's so young. DH says I'm only thinking of myself, but it's him being selfish.

He's not like this all the time, but when he is it can go on for weeks. He has a go at me for no good reason, until I get angry then he says it's me and he can't see at all that he's being aggressive. He says I anticipate it and that mkes it happen.

I'm scared to leave him, he'll make make my life hell and I don't want to separate him and DD, but I'm starting to put up emotional wall. We don't have sex anymore, and I fantasise about being on my own or with someone else. Am scared he might get suucidal or do something else crazy if I try to leave. He says he couldn't live without me. Don't know what to do. Just avoid him as much as poss when its like this.

[HolyGuacamole]

Oh what a horrendous situation

He has you under huge amounts of control. You have to do what he says or fit in with him because if you don't, well, there will be consequences and yes, they will all be your fault. Oh and whilst he is at it, he might as well throw in comments about your daughter not having a father because he will kill himself. He is tormenting you and it is not your fault. There is never a reason that makes it ok to threaten and emotionally blackmail someone to stay with you or to ban you from talking about your problems with people who might actually stand up for you.

Grrrr! Horrible, selfish man.

You can't fix this man. Only he can do that. I think this situation can only escalate. Are you at the point where you absolutely want to leave him, but feel you can't?

Lots of great ladies on here will have advice on how you can do this and what support is out there for you.

You can't live your life like this, it is not fair, it is not safe or healthy for you and your daughter and it is not in the slightest bit reasonable for him to treat you like this.

[Tortington]

i am sure you have explored all the obious help as you say he is on medication.

in your shoes i would leave.

i don't think you are in a position to see this clearly. this type emotional blackmail has become normal and your daughter shouldn't be in the iddle of it.

from an outsiders POV - it sounds like a shit place to live with mum unhappy and dad unhappy all the time