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family stuff - why do I keep worrying about them? (long sorry)

15 replies

TheArmadillo · 03/08/2009 22:05

I distanced myself from my parents in january - lots of problems with them and them wanting complete financial, emotional, etc control over me and ds - while wanting my dp out of the picture. I still have contact with them but it is kept on my terms and at a superficial level.

However, something has come up and shown me how much I still worry about them adn want to protect them.

Basically my parents have gone on holiday for a month. My sis (24yo) still lives at home and is there while they are away. My mum's siblings (who can be worse than she is) have decided and told my parents the day before they went on holiday that they have been chosen to host the family bbq on the day after they come back from holiday. My dad phoned me up in a bad mood to tell me about it and make me promise to come.

I am worried about them cos both of them are not in the best of health and the flying back from half way across the world is going to take a lot out of them.

I phoned sis to offer to hold it at my house (I don't want these people in my home but it seemed like the only alternative) but she said she is doing it all so it won't be a problem. The phone call ended badly with me saying 'yes but you realise you actually have to do it - not just say it' (obviously I didn't expect that to go down well)

However sis is one of the laziest people in existence. She will half do jobs. My mother has also perfected the 'martyr syndrome' so even on the slim chance that my sis does do it she will redo everything anyway and make herself ill again (whilst slamming everyone else for 'never bothering to help her'). All of this will be conducted at full volume. My sis will have tantrum. My dad will actually do everything while being screamed at by everyone (and giving back as good as he gets).

By the time anyone arrives all of them will refuse to serve, tidy up or generally do any work - seeing it all as my job . I will run round after everyone having the family tell me how wonderful my sis is and how I don't deserve her or my wonderful parents. I will have to field aunt1 telling my ds he will be coming to stay with her (not over my dead body - last time her dog attacked him and ds was blamed for it).

I will be questioned on when I am going to get a proper job/life (and what a waste I have made of it so far), subjected to daily mail esque rants, have my dp slagged off and told how I am failing at child rearing (this is just an extension of my parents views). And compared unfavourably with sis (who as you may have guessed I don't get on with).

So despite all this why do I worry that my parents are taking on too much and that this will compromise their health adn want to protect them all from it? Why am I worrying about them when they are frequently awful towards me. Why do I still feel angry with my mum's family because of extremely selfish things they have done to her, when I know she has done similar and/or worse to me. Why do I still feel the need to protect them and not let them just get on with their own mess They are perfectly capable of standing up for themselves or telling sis enough is enough.

It did shock me when my dad phoned that he was also slating sis - up till now she has been his golden girl incapable of doing wrong. But her behaviour is unbearable now. Though I do get annoyed at him for putting all his problems with my mum/sis onto me - everytime I see him he tells me all they have done and how bad they are and then slamming me if I try to sort anything out but refusing to do anything himself. I'm getting fed up of listening. He needs to stand up to them. Oh and also regularly telling us about any future event 'oh I expect I'll be dead by then' (he's only in his 50s and his not great health is caused by the fact he's hugely overweight and won't do anything about it). I didn't get on with him when I was a kid at all.

My sis can't even bear being in same room as me and has done things to ds I can't forgive.

My mum says unforgivable things to me and is a control freak (to put it briefly).

SO why do I feel responsible for them? Why can't I just stop caring?

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Mintyy · 03/08/2009 22:08

Conditioning.

I would have thought you will care less the longer you spend apart from them.