DH done nothing for MAJOR anniversary "because too busy with kids" - I am gutted

[mummyontherun]

We are now rowing all the time; I told him how disappointed I was, but he doesn't seem to care. This is so unusual for us - help. (By the way, we have two kids (2 and 4 months) and we have been away/busy but he doesn't work, and I feel like the lack of effort is a clear indication of lack of love/respect. Surely he should have thought of something ?

[pagwatch]

hmm
Depends I suppose
what did you do/get for him?

[mummyontherun]

Sorry Pagwatch, had to break off and row some more.

I got him an hour's helicopter lesson flying over London - which was ridiculously extravagant but he saw it on The Apprentice and loved it.

Its not the money at all - its the lack of effort - he says he couldn't do anyghing because of the baby needing to be near me - but I would just have liked a little bit of thought and application - even just getting a few jobs done or ordering in some food would have been nice? A photo montage of our great moments over 25 years ? Something which showed some appreciation?

[Smithagain]

Is he normally good about remembering stuff like this? Is he maybe finding having a second child more stressful than you think and has lost the plot a bit?

If it's unusual for you, then try not to build it up into an "indication of lack of love/respect". Much more likely that it's an indication of sleep deprivation and feeling overwhelmed by the adjustment to parenting two children. He's probably embarrassed that you made an effort and not dealing with it very well when you discuss it.

[mummyontherun]

That's it exactly - I can't get over why he's being so bolshie about it.......

[BikeRunSki]

My DH has forgotten our anniversarry for the last four years (it has only been 9!). This year, not a clue until DS was in bed slightly early and my friend showed up...

DH: F is here.
Me: Oo, hi F. Come in sit down. Now DS is in bed, coffee is on shelf by kettle ....
DH: Why is F here ?
Me: She is babysitting.
DH: I could look after DS.
ME: No WE are going out.
DH: Why? it is Wednesday?
Me:Grrrrr go and get changed

HE remebers my birthday, but there is never any effort - he usually asks me what I want or gives me a cheque! More Grrr. (I am easy, chunky sliver jewelley and Mexican food every time. HE still has quite got it).

If it is any consolation, we had been married 4 years before I got an engagement ring!

But goodness! 25 years! Good for you! Congratulations from me at least! You must have been teenagers when you got together?

[nickytwotimes]

Well, I don't really bother about our anniversary and neither does DH. Tbh, neither of us can ever remember it and have to check the certificate! We are very loving, but not interested in birthdays, valentine's day, anniversary, etc.
HOWEVER, that is beside the point. YOU are bothered, therefore he should have doen something. It is not worth rowing over though. You need to discuss it and then leave it behind you and move on. You clearly have something going well if you have been together and produced two kids, so focus on the good stuff in the relationship, ask him to accept that he made a bad mve and then let it go.

[Hassled]

You're right to be gutted. It's shit behaviour and I have no patience for men who behave like this. And then they follow it up with some pathetic excuse/it's because I'm a man bollocks. Ex-DH did this - if now-DH did it he would get short shrift.

[mummyontherun]

Thanks for all these comments...

We did talk about it, and actually that made things worse, and now he seems to be deliberately trying to wind me up. Anniversary is actually tomorrow and at this rate we will still be furious with each other as we spend night in family hotel (booked by me, after discussion).

So really need to find way not to mind, and to move on etc. But I am really upset and annoyed. In grand scheme of things as Smithagain and Bikerunski have both said we have had a good time over the years and this shouldn't matter too much but it really does. Think its because this is only anniversary I remember parents and parents friends having - and I enjoyed all the fuss that was made by some (parties, meals etc)

[MorrisZapp]

I think that people who like a fuss have to either make the fuss themselves, or make it clear what they expect others to do.

I also think that 'suprise parties' etc are often the stuff of romantic comedires, telly drama etc and not v workable in real life.

If your DH has a history of not really bothering with anniversaries or suprising you with thoughtful gifts, then it sounds if you need to point him in the right direction, with a written list if need be.

Please don't be upset, give him a chance to do the right thing by telling him exactly what the right thing would be.

Sorry - experience had made me a realist on this issue! Good luck!

[mummyontherun]

OK so here's how it went....and the ever-hopeful DwayneDibbley is to be disappointed!

HE FORGOT TO WRITE HIS CARD - had to disappear off in the early morning!!!!!!

But I tried to rise above it and jolly him along, putting on brave face all the while.

We went to hotel, kids behaved reasonably well, and he survived.

Luckily I did not have steak knife in my hand when he leant across dinner table and said "so, recap of our lives - 1st house BLAH BLAH BLAH, second house BLAH BLAH BLAH, third house BLAH BLAH BLAH" - and yes the BLAHS are direct quotes!

Nor did I react when he said, "so congratulations on 25 years with me" - my take on such things is always "thanks for putting up with me for 25 years". He did not seem to think congrats were arrogant!

Personally I think his brain has been addled bu too much In the Night Garden or sthg, or he's been abducted by aliens, or he has a death wish or or or and so on.

This is all so out of character!!!

But now its all over and I've given up hoping for DwayneDibbley romantic gesture, I can't help thinking it would make great romantic comedire - good word morris zapp!!!

Not going to think about it any more as not good for any part of me from morale to self-esteem to ego!