I am torturing myself with this and would like some opinions - from what I've read this seems to be the right place!
I have been with my DP for 8 years. It was always a bit rocky but we clung on. Now, looking back, I think I was determined to make it work no matter what as a reaction to a difficult upbringing and relationship with my mother I just wanted my own 'successful' life. Anyway, went abroad with DP for a couple of years with a 'life plan' in my head. Obviously this involved engagement, marriage, babies. The engagement bit just didn't happen despite the gentle and then less gentle hints. My longing for a baby was growing and we were quite happy.. so for a couple of months when I hit a key date (i.e. 35th birthday) we started trying.. unsuccessfully for a few months. Then I hit a health problem and had to take a course of treatment and they advised us to stop trying. During this time, I had a rethink. Realised I was being swayed by my hormones and longing for a baby but that a) I wanted one in in a happy marriage context b) enough was enough with my partner and I was started to withdraw emotionally... After 8 years you don't just wake up and finish it. I had a conversation with DP and said that I had 'gone off the baby thing'. Those were the words I used, seems a too trivial way of putting it now, but he knew my sentiment. I also told a close relative while he was with me he knew. Then we went on holiday -- beach hut type style. My friend was with us and I was smoking, drinking and enjoying myself, and again told her while he was there that I didn't want to have children just then. Went for a massage, got back to the hut and he 'made advances' on me. Without talking, he made strong advances. I froze. We had short unprotected sex. I got pregnant. I went into denial. After DC was born, it all hit me. I love DC so much. But I don't trust DP anymore. I think he got me pregnant cause he could see me ending the relationship. There's more to it, but this is getting long and that is the nub. I know I have a responsibility for the situation and I take that seriously - but the guilt that I will split up my DC's parents is killing me. But I feel so angry at DP for betraying me... Am I mad?
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torturing myself, thoughts would help
18 replies
ecolightbulb · 25/07/2009 09:55
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