how do I help dd cope with affair aftermath (long, sorry)
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(18 Posts)
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Hi, have been on before - h left 18 months ago for another woman, it was a complete shock and out of character, we'd been together 12 yrs.
He behaved appallingly and was very indecisive for many months, saying he wanted to get back together, but he hadn't properly ended it with OW, then getting back with her and behaving terribly for couple of months etc right up to couple of months ago.
Am divorcing him and have got to decree nisi stage, which has been a really hard and painful process
He doesn't want a divorce
and now seems to have fully woken up to the consequences of it all, it's all over with OW and he seems like he has turned back into the person I used to know.He is always apologising and saying how dreadfully he behaved, what he did was unforgiveable etc etc.
He has been suffering from depression and the whole thing happened shortly after
his friend died, on top of all sorts of other major stuff, which I do have sympathy for.
I feel really confused as at the moment I swing between wanting to see how I feel about him in the longer term (like a year or two) when he has had a chance to sort himself out more (he's in therapy), and then just thinking of his dreadful selfish behaviour and all that dc's and I have been put through. I can't escape the fact that I still love him, even though it seems illogical.
dd is 7 and quite an introverted and sensitive type of girl -I can see how hard it's all been on her and I try to keep things as stable as I possibly can and encourage her to talk about it etc., but I really worry about the effect all this is having on her in particular.
I'm have told h am prepared to be 'friends' as far as I can, but wonder whether this will just confuse dd even further given that we have already told her we are getting divorced.
I feel so confused and am finding it so difficult to know what the best thing to do is as a parent first and foremost. I feel like I am way out of my depth. I want to help dcs to cope with all of this but don't know how
Hi Stirling and Happywoman
I agree, what we had has ended and it is like a bereavement in that respect.
Stirling, like you say, dcs are already aware of the situation, so couldn't get back with him for their sakes. If anything, one of my main fears is that I don't want to risk them getting hurt further if I tried to make a go of it with him and it didn't work out. How are things progressing with you now ?
Happywoman, it sounds like you are really coming through the other side. I think your h was happy at the previous good times and one day you with time you might even 'reclaim' them a bit, when you have built up loads of new happy memories too.
I don't know how I feel about h any more - I have had to move through a process of separating from him and I do wonder if it is too late now.
Like you both say, it's important to look at what is there now and going forwards, rather than what we used to have. At the moment I think it's muddled and unclear to me, and I think only in time will I be able to see how consistent he is and how I feel about him now.
He is certainly becoming aware of what he has done and the hurt he has caused, but he still seems quite depressed and I have to resist the urge to help and remind myself that this mess is of his own making. I am trying to keep a clear head and focus more on the long term, which can be difficult, as am feeling so lonely etc.
It is a comfort to know that others understand how difficult it all is and I am so grateful for your support
You need to get to a point where the affair is part of your life without being a negative force iyswim.
which is another reason i think it is important to be open with family and friends and not push it under the carpet.
Yes it happend - if we can live with it then so can others, it is something that we have both learned a lot from and so is no longer this awful thing that happened.
And actually in some ways i think my h likes the 'new' me more
. The worst thing is the not trusting anyone anymore - poor salesmen get a very hard time from me now
.
It is still taking some getting used to myself - and i agree striling until you have experienced it you have no idea what emotions it will bring up. And i dont think you are being too dramatic when you say it is like losing a loved one - they are the feelings i had - somedays i used to think it would have been easier if he had died, as we could have all cherished the good memories.
That is another thing that is hard even good memories pre affair are tainted somehow 'were you not happy then or then or then.....?'
But i have also had to accept that at the time he was never thinking about all the good times that he would be throwing away.
So true
HP!
That can be so hard though - accepting your marriage, as you knew it, is in the past, sort of like accepting that someone you love has died and you will never see them again.
I am sure that may sound rather over-dramatic to someone who hasn't gone through that sort of betrayal.
I think
AM92, if you and your h are going to try again it must be as two completely different people - Not the two that were in the previous marriage. He must start again, asking you out on dates and you must decide whether you want to be with this (new) person.
Is he good enough for you? Or would you be settling for him because of the dc?
Take the dc out of the equation. They are already aware of your problems. This new relationship must be what you want.
Let us know what happens
I was really determined to not always bring it up - however there is a BA (before affair) and AA (after affair) feeling.
Actually i think it has been harder for my h - if i am feeling a bit down he tends to think i am brooding about it - which often i am not, but he seems to want to 'punish' himself about it all too. We have been lucky in that we have found a really good councellor who has been willing to let us both let off steam from time to time. I will often send her email updates and she will help me too.
I think too he has found the whole thing so dreadful i doubt he would ever be so stupid again - he certainly thinks about his actions and the impact they have on others far more than he ever did.
Why should someone else get to have the 'new improved h'? I have put up with all the shite after all.
I think if people could have a taste of the destruction that affairs have on lives they would think twice.
My h has been lucky in that he was able to realise just how dreadful he was and managed to change.
I think it is a bit like smoking (or any other habit really) you have been told how it could impact on your life but actually until you are diagnosed with cancer you just cant quite believe it will happen to you. Funny how easy it is to give up smoking when you actually realize - but it is often too late
.
Too many people dismiss affairs as 'not their bussiness' and accept that they are a part of normal life and dont really do any harm.
We are all brainwashed into thinking that being selfish is the better way - 'you only live once' attitude. And so much time is spent finding what really makes us happy and fulfilled.
We seem to have lost respect for ourselves and each other - dont i sound like an old woman??
I think the only way forward for you is to 'accept' that whatever you thought you had is gone and take things very slowly - there is no rush - you could be just friends and if it is meant to be then it will one day
.
Hi Happywoman,
so kind of you to think about it and post again.
I think you are right, that's what worries me - it's not easy to get back together in the first place, but presumably even harder to deal with 'real life' thereafter.
Like you say, he has done it once, and who's to say he wouldn't again, once the excitement of initial reunion wears off. ~(although alternatively has found the whole experience so dreadful he would never go there again)
It's a hard decision with room for regret either way ultimately.
I admire you for giving it a go and I think your attitude is absolutely right, ie not to just to slip back into old habits etc. You sound like a strong person. It is not selfish to get what you want out of life - it is moving from an unbalanced relationship to one which is a partnership of equals.
It's easy to think from where I'm standing now that I could retain this level of independence, but in reality things would inevitably be different if we lived together again. Also, given all that dcs have gone through, I would feel it would cause them too much pain if things didn't work out again, and I had to go through the whole process again.
Incidentally, and hope you don't mind me asking, but what about when you have a big row for example- do you bring it up or not bring it up ? if not, to you have to make a big effort not to ?
I think trying to make a go of things is the harder path, but possibly can pay off in the longer term.
I suppose it's a question of trying to weigh everything up, which I think is going to take quite some time. I really have no idea at the moment what the outcome of all of this will be. Often I think I don't want to deal with the extra washing
Been thinking about this today and the problem is not now but in the future if you do get back together - it is really hard work to make sure you never drift back to 'normality' iyswim.
What you saw as a happy marriage obviously was not enough for him before so why should it be now?
That is the biggest hurdle is still have to overcome - and somedays i am not sure i do it that well - but everyday i try and do more for me and live the life i want.
I sometimes feel selfish for this and i do think h would rather it returned to the 'good old days' when i was at his beck and call 24/7.
The old me has gone and i am still coming to terms with this new version of me and what my marriage is now
.
Good luck with whatever you do - and remember that you can always change your mind if it does not make you feel good.
Hi there - although I have not been in your situation directly (but have been divorced), I thought it might be worthwhile to reiterate that whatever happens with you and your H in the end, keep emphasizing to your dd that none of this is her fault. I assume you're doing this anyway but I am always surprised at how children process things in the world around them that are beyond their control. Best of luck with everything. You sound very strong.
so lovely to hear from you all,
stirling, must be really hard for you,
that h left job but not OW.
happy birthday to your dd
hope she has a lovely day
chasingsquirrels. you sound like you are doing really well and back on your feet - with possible new man as well which must be nice. so glad that things have improved for you and like you say it is nice to get an apology in any case. I could really relate to what you said about loving and caring for him but not 'in love' with him. That is how I feel at the moment. Also, not wanting to take that risk, having been hurt so much. I wouldn't tell dd if I was seeing him again
dating
HW - thanks for the great advice as always. I did tell him funnily enough that our marriage as it stood is over anyway so we might as well get divorced, and he didn't dare disagree
he is just stalling on finalising things his end. I think you are right, better to get the whole thing over with and then am in a safer position to think about what I want next anyway.
hi mumfun - sorry to hear you are going through this sort of thing- thanks for your msg, and sending my support to you. I agree, it's important not to let him call the shots. I think what's holding me back is maybe just that I didn't want a divorce in the first place, and it has all happened so surprisingly fast. However, there is nothing really to stop me from getting divorced and we could get back together eventually, if it's meant to be. I will have to see how he behaves in next year or two and how I feel about him as time goes on.
Really feel for you -Im a bit further back in the process than you.
Some wise folk on another site have said that if you divorce it still doenst mean you cant get back togeether. But I do understand the confusion for the children. You could hold off on the divorse for a while. But as others said beware always doing what he wants -look after yourself and kids
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