Hi Stirling and Happywoman

I agree, what we had has ended and it is like a bereavement in that respect.

Stirling, like you say, dcs are already aware of the situation, so couldn't get back with him for their sakes. If anything, one of my main fears is that I don't want to risk them getting hurt further if I tried to make a go of it with him and it didn't work out. How are things progressing with you now ?

Happywoman, it sounds like you are really coming through the other side. I think your h was happy at the previous good times and one day you with time you might even 'reclaim' them a bit, when you have built up loads of new happy memories too.

I don't know how I feel about h any more - I have had to move through a process of separating from him and I do wonder if it is too late now.

Like you both say, it's important to look at what is there now and going forwards, rather than what we used to have. At the moment I think it's muddled and unclear to me, and I think only in time will I be able to see how consistent he is and how I feel about him now.

He is certainly becoming aware of what he has done and the hurt he has caused, but he still seems quite depressed and I have to resist the urge to help and remind myself that this mess is of his own making. I am trying to keep a clear head and focus more on the long term, which can be difficult, as am feeling so lonely etc.

It is a comfort to know that others understand how difficult it all is and I am so grateful for your support

You need to get to a point where the affair is part of your life without being a negative force iyswim.

which is another reason i think it is important to be open with family and friends and not push it under the carpet.

Yes it happend - if we can live with it then so can others, it is something that we have both learned a lot from and so is no longer this awful thing that happened.

And actually in some ways i think my h likes the 'new' me more. The worst thing is the not trusting anyone anymore - poor salesmen get a very hard time from me now.

It is still taking some getting used to myself - and i agree striling until you have experienced it you have no idea what emotions it will bring up. And i dont think you are being too dramatic when you say it is like losing a loved one - they are the feelings i had - somedays i used to think it would have been easier if he had died, as we could have all cherished the good memories.

That is another thing that is hard even good memories pre affair are tainted somehow 'were you not happy then or then or then.....?'
But i have also had to accept that at the time he was never thinking about all the good times that he would be throwing away.

So true HP!

That can be so hard though - accepting your marriage, as you knew it, is in the past, sort of like accepting that someone you love has died and you will never see them again.

I am sure that may sound rather over-dramatic to someone who hasn't gone through that sort of betrayal.

I think AM92, if you and your h are going to try again it must be as two completely different people - Not the two that were in the previous marriage. He must start again, asking you out on dates and you must decide whether you want to be with this (new) person.

Is he good enough for you? Or would you be settling for him because of the dc?

Take the dc out of the equation. They are already aware of your problems. This new relationship must be what you want.

Let us know what happens

I was really determined to not always bring it up - however there is a BA (before affair) and AA (after affair) feeling.

Actually i think it has been harder for my h - if i am feeling a bit down he tends to think i am brooding about it - which often i am not, but he seems to want to 'punish' himself about it all too. We have been lucky in that we have found a really good councellor who has been willing to let us both let off steam from time to time. I will often send her email updates and she will help me too.

I think too he has found the whole thing so dreadful i doubt he would ever be so stupid again - he certainly thinks about his actions and the impact they have on others far more than he ever did.
Why should someone else get to have the 'new improved h'? I have put up with all the shite after all.
I think if people could have a taste of the destruction that affairs have on lives they would think twice.
My h has been lucky in that he was able to realise just how dreadful he was and managed to change.

I think it is a bit like smoking (or any other habit really) you have been told how it could impact on your life but actually until you are diagnosed with cancer you just cant quite believe it will happen to you. Funny how easy it is to give up smoking when you actually realize - but it is often too late .

Too many people dismiss affairs as 'not their bussiness' and accept that they are a part of normal life and dont really do any harm.
We are all brainwashed into thinking that being selfish is the better way - 'you only live once' attitude. And so much time is spent finding what really makes us happy and fulfilled.
We seem to have lost respect for ourselves and each other - dont i sound like an old woman??

I think the only way forward for you is to 'accept' that whatever you thought you had is gone and take things very slowly - there is no rush - you could be just friends and if it is meant to be then it will one day.

Hi Happywoman,
so kind of you to think about it and post again.
I think you are right, that's what worries me - it's not easy to get back together in the first place, but presumably even harder to deal with 'real life' thereafter.
Like you say, he has done it once, and who's to say he wouldn't again, once the excitement of initial reunion wears off. ~(although alternatively has found the whole experience so dreadful he would never go there again)

It's a hard decision with room for regret either way ultimately.

I admire you for giving it a go and I think your attitude is absolutely right, ie not to just to slip back into old habits etc. You sound like a strong person. It is not selfish to get what you want out of life - it is moving from an unbalanced relationship to one which is a partnership of equals.

It's easy to think from where I'm standing now that I could retain this level of independence, but in reality things would inevitably be different if we lived together again. Also, given all that dcs have gone through, I would feel it would cause them too much pain if things didn't work out again, and I had to go through the whole process again.

Incidentally, and hope you don't mind me asking, but what about when you have a big row for example- do you bring it up or not bring it up ? if not, to you have to make a big effort not to ?
I think trying to make a go of things is the harder path, but possibly can pay off in the longer term.

I suppose it's a question of trying to weigh everything up, which I think is going to take quite some time. I really have no idea at the moment what the outcome of all of this will be. Often I think I don't want to deal with the extra washing

Been thinking about this today and the problem is not now but in the future if you do get back together - it is really hard work to make sure you never drift back to 'normality' iyswim.
What you saw as a happy marriage obviously was not enough for him before so why should it be now?

That is the biggest hurdle is still have to overcome - and somedays i am not sure i do it that well - but everyday i try and do more for me and live the life i want.
I sometimes feel selfish for this and i do think h would rather it returned to the 'good old days' when i was at his beck and call 24/7.
The old me has gone and i am still coming to terms with this new version of me and what my marriage is now.

Good luck with whatever you do - and remember that you can always change your mind if it does not make you feel good.

Hi there - although I have not been in your situation directly (but have been divorced), I thought it might be worthwhile to reiterate that whatever happens with you and your H in the end, keep emphasizing to your dd that none of this is her fault. I assume you're doing this anyway but I am always surprised at how children process things in the world around them that are beyond their control. Best of luck with everything. You sound very strong.

so lovely to hear from you all,

stirling, must be really hard for you, that h left job but not OW.

happy birthday to your dd hope she has a lovely day

chasingsquirrels. you sound like you are doing really well and back on your feet - with possible new man as well which must be nice. so glad that things have improved for you and like you say it is nice to get an apology in any case. I could really relate to what you said about loving and caring for him but not 'in love' with him. That is how I feel at the moment. Also, not wanting to take that risk, having been hurt so much. I wouldn't tell dd if I was seeing him again
dating

HW - thanks for the great advice as always. I did tell him funnily enough that our marriage as it stood is over anyway so we might as well get divorced, and he didn't dare disagree he is just stalling on finalising things his end. I think you are right, better to get the whole thing over with and then am in a safer position to think about what I want next anyway.

hi mumfun - sorry to hear you are going through this sort of thing- thanks for your msg, and sending my support to you. I agree, it's important not to let him call the shots. I think what's holding me back is maybe just that I didn't want a divorce in the first place, and it has all happened so surprisingly fast. However, there is nothing really to stop me from getting divorced and we could get back together eventually, if it's meant to be. I will have to see how he behaves in next year or two and how I feel about him as time goes on.

Really feel for you -Im a bit further back in the process than you.

Some wise folk on another site have said that if you divorce it still doenst mean you cant get back togeether. But I do understand the confusion for the children. You could hold off on the divorse for a while. But as others said beware always doing what he wants -look after yourself and kids

I think the hardest thing is accepting that things will never ever be how they were - in effect the old marriage is over and maybe still going ahead with the divorce is a way to mark that.
You can still have a relationship with him just not the same as you had before - it could be better though.

The thing rings warning bells for me the fact that HE doesnt want a divorce - wtf.
He still wants things on his terms doesnt he? Also is it the fact that he is no longer with the ow??

Would he consider a relationship with you even if you divorce? I think that would give you the clear space that you owe him nothing and if it does not go well you wont have to start the process again.

You can see it as a piece of paper - i did not get as far as you have - but i still will not take my vows again. I still consider that my h broke all his promises to me and he is the one who has to make those again not me.

Hi both,

No idea on your DD, just wanted to drop into conversation - having been there with you both last year.

Mine told me last week that he regretted having left. I actually feel fantastic about that, despite feeling very sad about the whole situation. Alot of the things he said were things I was saying last March. However, he is now with someone else, and I might be getting into something, and I don't think either one of us could go back now - although even just 3 months ago I don't think I could have given a catagoric "no". TBH, if he and his (what? gf, partner - ??) split up and he wanted to try dating - would I say no? I think so, but I'm not 100% sure. I still love and care for him, but I'm not "in love" with him. And I have been hurt too much to want to go back there again.

I guess you continue to support your dd, let her talk about it etc.

If something does progess with your H would your dd need to know? At least initially?
I certainly know that if/when I start a new relationship I don't want my boys involved for quite some time - I want to be fairly certain about it before I introduce them into it. And I think the same could apply with dating your ex?

Shall catch up tomorrow - off to bed now x

Sorry - x post.

We do still live together but that is more because of the fact that h is without a job because he gave up his last job (in Dec) to get away from ow and then kept in touch with her (so, that was worth it!!)

He thought he would walk into another job, but it hasn't happened - I just hope it happens soon so we can both get on with our lives.

Sorry - missed the point about DD.

My oldest DD is 7 (actually 8 today, Sunday) and we have told all 3 we are having problems but it hasn't had much effect as yet, probably because we are all still in the same house.

I think with your DD you just need to be as honest as you can. She must know what has happened, so let her know that you now want to be friends and if things change again, just make sure she knows. It is a hard step to take without raising hopes.

Good luck

Hi stirling great to hear from you

How are things going with you ? hope you are okay. sounds like you are moving on -assume h moved out in the end, hope you are coping okay.

Yes, I feel like I am really living the whole of the mid-life-crisis wife cliche, in him wanting it back when it's too late. I felt I was just having to adapt to the situation more than anything, and trying to focus on the positives etc.

I know now I couldn't have him back for the sake of the children, which I would have done at all costs at first and I can't really imagine getting back with him.
However, nor can I imagine wanting to be with anyone else.

I don't really know any more

Hi AM92 - I had been wondering how you were doing

You get people telling you that one day the man will suddenly realise what he is losing, but then it may be too late to do anything about it, as you will have gone too far down the road of getting on with your life on your own.

It sounds like it is up to you now - do you want him back?? Or are you ready to move on?

Dont make any decision on what he (or the dc) wants, it has to be what you want.

I have wondered what I would do in your position, but fear I am too far down the "getting on with my life, on my own" road to go back now

Whatever you do, do it for you, no-one else x

Hi, have been on before - h left 18 months ago for another woman, it was a complete shock and out of character, we'd been together 12 yrs.
He behaved appallingly and was very indecisive for many months, saying he wanted to get back together, but he hadn't properly ended it with OW, then getting back with her and behaving terribly for couple of months etc right up to couple of months ago.

Am divorcing him and have got to decree nisi stage, which has been a really hard and painful process

He doesn't want a divorce and now seems to have fully woken up to the consequences of it all, it's all over with OW and he seems like he has turned back into the person I used to know.He is always apologising and saying how dreadfully he behaved, what he did was unforgiveable etc etc.
He has been suffering from depression and the whole thing happened shortly after
his friend died, on top of all sorts of other major stuff, which I do have sympathy for.

I feel really confused as at the moment I swing between wanting to see how I feel about him in the longer term (like a year or two) when he has had a chance to sort himself out more (he's in therapy), and then just thinking of his dreadful selfish behaviour and all that dc's and I have been put through. I can't escape the fact that I still love him, even though it seems illogical.

dd is 7 and quite an introverted and sensitive type of girl -I can see how hard it's all been on her and I try to keep things as stable as I possibly can and encourage her to talk about it etc., but I really worry about the effect all this is having on her in particular.

I'm have told h am prepared to be 'friends' as far as I can, but wonder whether this will just confuse dd even further given that we have already told her we are getting divorced.

I feel so confused and am finding it so difficult to know what the best thing to do is as a parent first and foremost. I feel like I am way out of my depth. I want to help dcs to cope with all of this but don't know how