I will talk to him about the savings. Much of it is going towards the loft conversion which we need to do as we cannot move due to loss of job, and to be honest even when he works, he could lose it again (he was only in his last job 5 months before they made him redundant) and this could happen again so we cannot risk increasing mortgage etc on a bigger place even when he is working, not straight away. So with baby on the way, we need the additional room.

I think that is why I am so worried about the rest being flitted away, it disappears so easily - it could reduce our mortgage payments (some of it is on the mortgage already) and make our expenditure a little easier.

We talked again today, he brought it up, said he thinks its about time he got any ol job I am sure he has snuck a look now! But I am surprised he is not angry at me for talking about it all on MN, that is the only thing that makes me think he has not. That, and the fact that he has not actually done any looking for said any old jobs today!

Hi Pavlov,

I've just read through the thread and it seems that your situation has started to turn a little, perhaps its the backing off or perhaps DH has read MN but keep it up... I know myself that if I 'nag' my other half I end up really wound up and it doesn't really achieve anything but its hard not to do it as they can take so long to come around to your way of thinking...

What i would echo though is all the posters who have commented on the savings... I think you NEED to take half the savings money and put into your account. Not half of what is there now but half of what was there at the start. Why should he spend all of what you both saved whilst off work on beer etc, you can then use your half of the savings for what you want, such as time off when baby arrives and it would excellerate the urgency of him needing to bring in some income when his beer money has gone...

good luck

Pink - the building work is obtrusive, also a financial drain on resources (although cheaper than moving, as we originally intended until DH lost his job), which I also panic about I guess. The builders are here every day in the week from 7:45am to 5pm. I am sure that is not helping matters. And its going to be a week longer than anticipated due to unforseen complications, so still got another 4 weeks to go. But we keep reminding ourselves of how much better things will be once it is all finished.

But what I am going to also stop doing for DH is, as well as nagging, hassling about housework and applying for jobs, I am going to stop making excuses for him, so he can start seeing how much his own behaviour is affecting things. I will not blow smoke up his ass any more, as he would put it!

pinkfizzle oh he had DD, I went all on my lonesome, well apart from the girlies.

expat i can't for a moment think this is it, but this thread has certainly given my a fresh perspective on how I might need to handle it, and to think about how I might handle it further if it continues to be a problem, think seriously about what I want. And what yesterday did was show, that my DH is there somewhere, what he did was enough to make me feel hopeful. Not convinced, but hopeful.

Glad to hear it, Pavlov. Hope it continues. I would seriously back off about showing him jobs and then nagging him to apply for them, too. I know it's hard not to, but he might just step up to the plate.

Hi there, Yippee for your Dh making a greater effort - no harm if he did sneak a peak at mumsnet, maybe he woke up this morning and smelt the coffee, but long may his supportive efforts continue especially as all of you at home will get to enjoy the positive benefits.

It is excellent that you and your bub got out and about to the baby shower.

Best of luck with the building work too.... I found having building work in my home intrusive as well as a tremendous amount of stress and chaos and that was without a baby on the way. Get me in a DIY store with my DH and I start to panic with flashbacks of renovations.

Take care.

Pinkfizzle -thank you so much for that, it was a really supportive post. The thing is, this thread is a real downer thread on DH and it does not in the slightest touch upon the qualities of DH, only the negatives. The positives are huge, otherwise, as you said, I would not have married him. The things that are negative in our marriage right now are so big that I have obviously emphasised the things that prey on my mind, but certainly have not meant there are no positives, there are. If there were no positives I would not feel so shit about it all, I would just leave him. He is a great guy, but these issues are ones that are all encompassing in our life as they are so fundamental, as you rightly say - work is defining to us. And funny thing is, you have just emphasised things to me which I should know. I work with vulnerable people, some of which have to deal with negative relationships, and I advise this stuff. But it can become invisible when it applies to you, when emotions cloud things can't it. Thanks for refreshing me about communication, its easy to lose that.

On a very positive note. I went to a baby shower today, for the whole afternoon and part of the evening. This morning, I cooked with DD some things to take, and then DD and I popped into town.

I have not nagged him any further about work or the house, nor have I huffed and puffed as I tidied.

While I cooked, DH cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, put on some washing. While I was out he started cleaning the bedroom which is so messy it is actually quite dangerous (have building work going on so its a store room).

I came back from the baby shower to find the bedroom looking lovely, the hallway clean and hoovered, kitchen still tidy (ish), DD ready for bed.

I am seriously wondering if he has had a sneaky peek at MN (he does not know my login, but knows my username, he is not the type to do that, but I still wonder }, or whether its the complete lack of nagging or huffiness.

I do not know if it will last, I sincerely doubt it, but it lifted me to see him wanting to do something. Maybe I have been on his case too much.

Hello Pavlov,

I'm not sure if the following helps, and I really feel for you and your bub, glad you had a fab time at Hyde park, I was there too and loved it.

1. You are pregnant and really need to take care of yourself and you have been really unwell.

2. First, before you even think about discussing anything with your dh, I would examine carefully what you want, as others have said.

3. Some answers to these questions would be helpful: What do I want from my dh? What do I want? What do I need?

5. If confronting him

“What do I really want to come from this conversation?” 
“What results am I trying to achieve?”
“Why?”
“What relationship do I want to have with my him, my kids?”

6, Be honest with yourself and answer the questions truthfully. Realise your intentions are mostly about shared issues, not just his. Tell him what you need and want and let him figure out if he is going to provide what you want / need. Ask him what he wants/needs from you.

Start by sharing the facts as you see them, and check out your assumptions or story with a question. For example, “you’ve seemed down and unhappy, or whatever...
Be tentative in your observations. try not to make accusations. Despite my best efforts in the nagging dept,
I have to say that for me it never works.

7. You have been together 10 years, married for not yet 2 years, so I am sure he has some qualities .. even if they are very well hidden... that made you commit to him. You are part of a family and I think that work is massively tied to people's self esteem, and it is major decision for you to decide what to stick at things, and when to give up. I think that if he got just in a job then things may look up, it is so very hard getting work in this market. It really is a full time occupation just getting a job. I really hope things can work out for you. But while he is looking you need some other commitment - such as to set some expectations that are key to you - for example, if you are sick and you want a tidy house, then that is something that he should be able to provide, no excuses.

Take care of yourself

expat - everyone can become unemployed, but I would do anything at any cost to not stay unemployed, that is what I mean. Even with the recession there is some work. I would work in a bar at night if that meant I could apply for better jobs in the day.

Would I behave like this? God I hope I would not. No. I would do everything in my power to get out of the situation. And, pre-children I did just that, so it would be even more so now I have others that depend on me.

And let's just say that hypothetically, you did become unemployed.

If that were so, 'Would you do this to your family and your savings in a recession, especially if you knew it meant your spouse had to truncate maternity leave?'

No, that answers the second question, not the first one.

Sadly, everyone can become unemployed. No one is immune, because of becoming unemployed through disability or illness, which can happen to everyone.

I would not be unemployed expat. I have been unemployed for a period of 2 months in my life immediately after finishing uni. I took the first job available to me with an agency. It just would not happen on the other foot. But I am fortunate enough that in my line of work and length of employment there I would have enough notice to take proactive steps to avoid loss of income - in fact, as it has been talked about tentatively I have done different courses at work on up to date areas such as child protection to ensure if I was made redundant I would be in a better position than colleagues to get the jobs they will also be applying for. Just in case.

Perhaps I have answered the question eh?

Put the shoes on the other feet here:

Would you do this to your family and your savings in a recession, especially if you knew it meant your spouse had to truncate maternity leave?

How would he react if you did this whilst he went to work?

Think of the answers to these questions, and why they should be different for him than for you.

You know your savings that he is living off, what would happen if you just took these out and moved them to an account in your name only ?

Because basically I'm kind of with expat now, talking is not solving anything and is stressing you out.

Therefore other than asking him to move out which is a big step when you are pregnant with DC2, perhaps cutting off his funds would stop him from going out to the pub etc.

It's not as if you are doing anything wrong. TThat money is needed for emergencies and hard times,so if money is short now its going to be a damn sight shorter when you are on mat leave, and even if you take the minimum, which I hope for your sake you don't, then that leaves a number of weeks with no income which need to be covered.

aci I never said he was in another room while on the computer. The computer is in the same room. And he does dote on her. When his friends are here, they all play with her. He takes her to the park, he has just gone swimming with her. He often goes out to see his friends and takes her too (not in the evenings). Some of our friends have children. Not all, but some. I did not give an exclusive list of our friends just explained how some are not at work. Only two of our friends are childless and jobless. The other's have jobs that are not 9-5 monday to friday so are available in the day. Those friends without children love DD so she does not get ignored, but it means DH gets out of doing what he needs to be doing, when he is able to chat and natter and drink tea.

My point was more that I would prefer he be looking for work or cleaning than playing a computer game. If DD was eating in front of the tele because he had a few jobs to apply for, not the same as playing computer games.

He thinks he is a teenager playing computer games but won't look for a job a teenager might do.

While he isn't working outside the home he needs to see that looking for work is his job along with running the house.

You say he dotes on your dd but only tolerates you. Tbh, sounds like he only tolerates dd. He's clearly rather be with friends - any friends. What is your 3 yr-old doing while he hangs out with his unemployed, childless mates? I liket o see friends during the week - but only those with kids for dd to play with. Because that time is not about me - it's primarily about her.

And eating in front of the TV while he's in another room on the pc? I can imagine what my dh would have to say if he came home to that.

Can you get your dh to truly imagine how he would feel if he was in your place? He is taking the piss big time - but clearly you know that. Perhpas you can pick one change that would really help you and persistently demand that.

I have found that people tend to polarise in relationships and the original inequalities in roles get deeper. That can be OK if the work and responsibilites are shared out.

Wrt teaching - it's a vocation and he should try it out - by volunteering or being a TA before committing to a course of study which may simply be another way of not getting a dismal job (haven't most of us just had to do one of those sometimes?) and get you further into debt.

ilovemydog - our relationship has never been exactly 50/50, and I have been fine with that, I have a good well paid (for sw at least) job, always earnt more than him, but have always put more into the career aspect than him. Fine with that when he is working, in fact I think he does more in the home when he is not working. As he does, and always has done all the cooking! I just want that balance back, more equal but not exactly equal.

But Expat you are right, I need to stop mothering him. It is not helping.

Well, I agree with you there, ilove, and I consider looking after children and housework and cooking as work.

I stay home just now with our three - hopefully will also be back to working 16 hours/week, too, got my interview on Monday and yes, it's housekeeping hotel rooms in the tourist season despite my having been a degreed professional in the past - and I wouldn't feel right not doing housework and the like.

Sure, there are some days when not much gets done, like when we all had swine flu or if DS has a bad day teething and just wants picked up and cuddled all day (he's 8months and weighs 30lbs. so I need two hands to cuddle him!), but not looking after my home is being disrepectful to it and to the hard work my husband does for our living.

Sounds as if you want to be able to rely on him as an equal partner. Sometimes a relationship isn't always 50/50; sometimes it goes 90/10, 30/70 etc, but you don't always want to be the one who schleps to work and is the sensible one.

Sorry, but he's being insensitive especially as you are probably feeling vulnerable being pregnant, doing a full time job and looking after your DD (and him!)

I couldn't respect a partner who is capable of working, but doesn't work.

'Maybe if I do that he might do it himself, and then if he does not then what - walk? I just feel like I need to do something to try to save us.'

He may, he may not. BUT your approach certainly isn't helping, tbh. It's just causing more rows.

What you do if he doesn't do start looking and applying himself is for you to decide.

You've already done what you can and are doing that now still.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Besides, you've been doing all this looking for him since January and it hasn't worked, has it?

He still doesn't apply for the jobs.

So why not do something else with your time?

Oh no expat - i have turned into your mother!

I have not in the past done it without being asked, I would never force it upon people, but friends would ask me if I knew of any opportunities and I would look for them. Same with DH, but maybe now he thinks I am smothering him with it, and I should stop hassling him, see what he does on his own.

Shame, as I just got a great job opportunity for him to apply for at work, it is perfect for him

You think I should back off a bit? Maybe if I do that he might do it himself, and then if he does not then what - walk? I just feel like I need to do something to try to save us.

I know I cannot make him be what I want him to be, but its not like I am trying to change something that has been inherently wrong from the beginning, his work ethic has always been different to mine, and that has been fine as it meant I concentrated on my career and we did things to promote that somewhat, like moving to another area for my job before children. He has never been this selfish before.

What I want? To stop being sick completely in this pregnancy, for this baby to become the most important thing in our life apart from DD, just as she was/is. I want to be able to take my full maternity leave, and to have a tidy house from time to time when I come home from work so I can sit down and rest my old granny feet.

'But DH just does not seem to have the same work ethic. At All'

He doesn't. Sounds like he never had and he probably won't ever have the same as yours.

You need to accept this if you want to move foward.

My mother does this. Looks for jobs or suggests courses of action for me and DH.

I can't tell you how much it pisses me off.

I know she's trying to be helpful, but it implies that what I'm doing right now isn't good enough and that I'm a lazy slacker.

I've told her time and again to knock it off because it hurts my feelings.

ilovemydog - I actually like a bit of hard graft. I like the feeling of working, that is why I don't want to think of relying on others to bail us out. I worked an additional day this week due to being needed in court, and instead of feeling resentful of it, I felt quite pleased as I got the result I wanted from the day, got to wear a nice dress, felt like 'me' for a few hours (and I can take the day back again when I need/want to next week or week after).

When I just finished Uni, I had debts and could only get an agency job, then I got an evening job too, and I worked 8am-10am monday to friday to stop getting further into debt. And although the jobs were shit, and I was so tired it was unbeleivable, i never considered not doing it, and I look back with pride that I did it. But DH just does not seem to have the same work ethic. At All.

'I can't help looking for jobs for him. I have always looked for jobs, forever, I quite enjoy it.'

It doesn't sound like he's enjoying your doing it for him, tbh. You don't enjoy how he goes out, he doesn't enjoy how you keep putting jobs in his face (because it's likely he doesn't want to work), so one thing you can change and that's in your control is to stop looking for jobs for him.

Seriously, Pavlov, you need to quit bringing this up re: the work thing.

It is his responsibility to look for work, not yours.

If he doesn't do it, he doesn't, and let's face it, he won't.

It'd probably be more constructive for you to focus on you and what you want and need long-term.

You can want, want, want a person to be a certain way from now till the world ends, but unless they want to become or be that way, it ain't gonna happen.

The only thing you can change is you.

Expat - problem is I guess, I can't help looking for jobs for him. I have always looked for jobs, forever, I quite enjoy it. When I was uni, I looked for a job, when I had a job I looked for a better job. When I finished uni I searched for jobs and became quite good at it. Then, when I started working where I am now working, in a junior position I spent time looking at how to improve where I was, what training, what routes, where to go, who to talk to and followed it through, applied for jobs internally (got all that I applied for internally, bar one, and I was gutted!). The only reason I have not continued upwards is due to unfortunately needing to go downwards and across into training first and cannot afford the drop in wages right now. But that will happen in time.

When I was happy in my job situation, I sort of missed looking for work, I would look for work for my friends, find opportunities, and did the same for DH. I guess he has become reliant on me, and does not do it as he knows I will.

He needs to decide what he wants to be when he grows up, but in the meantime, he needs to get a job, even if he feels it's beneath him. I worked throughout college and post grad. Really hard work, but I was determined.

He is being rather self indulgent. Yes, being happy in work in important, but sometimes you have to get a job while you are (re) establishing a career.

And nothing like a bit of hard graft....

God, he is really jackyll and Hyde about it all. He just came out of the bathroom for towels, and he is fine with me, talked about swine flu, and now he and DD are happily singing the tune to wonderpets .

I was not frosty even though I want to just tell him to fuck off when he like that, as I don't want to antagonise him. If I do that I will never be able to talk to him as his defences will stay up.

No, your approach is not hte best because the best way to handle a selfish person like this is to leave them to their own devices.

Why did you bother looking up the entrance criteria for him? He IS a big boy and if he really wanted to be a teacher he's capable of looking it up by himself. Given his past I'd have just assumed he was talking the talk again about it.

As for the bath, I'd have told him, 'I don't want a bath. If you draw one, I won't get in it,' and left it at that.

You're ill and he's being 'sweet' about it?! FFS, Pavlov, you're carrying his child!

I feel really sorry for you, Pavlov. It seems you two are in a really negative pattern here.

But the bottom line is he doesn't want to find work.

So you need to sort of work from there on what you want and need out of life.

Sure, we'd all love to cut back on hours and spend more time at home and such, but sometimes it doesn't work out like that.

He sounds like a complete arse, sorry. I thought expatinscotland was being a bit harsh but I think you need to sort this out.

Just had a 'chat' with DH about teaching, I looked up entrance criteria and told him that he might be able to go down the route of untrained teacher, and get trained on the job so he would get a wage, said it appeared to be about £15k a year or so but only an estimate would need to look into it more. He frowned and said 'hmm, thats not good is it'. I said, it would not be forever and you would get paid to become trained in a profession, how often does that happen?' and he said, how long will that take? 'i don't know, a year? not sure' 'a year would be fine, but its 3 years or so I would be less interested, i don't want to commit to something that I might get fed up with half way through' and I said 'in that case you don't want to be a teacher' and then said 'it seems like you have already decided it might not be what you want before trying, before even looking into it, are you making an excuse not do it already?, There is no quick fix to this situation, you got to be in it for the long haul if you want to make permanent changes, or else you will continue getting jobs you are unhappy with' he got angry, said 'don't lecture me, I am a big boy' and I said 'well start acting like it' his response 'what gives you the right to talk to me like that, think you are great don't you? It is nasty and rude, to talk to me like that just because I don't think the way you do, or do things the way you do'

Before this, he was running me a bath, which I said over and over again I did not want (i have been unwell this morning, and he has been quite sweet about it) and insisted a bath would help me. And he then said after a little tiff 'your bath is ready' 'i don't want a bath, but thanks' 'fine. DD? lets go have a bath, and he has huffed off to have a bath with DD and shut the bathroom door. So now I am also ungrateful for not wanting the bath he run for me, even though I said I did not want one, before he ran it.

I know my approach is not the best.

Thing is, as long as you make excuses for it, his behaviour will continue.

Re-read your posts. Almost ALL of every one of them is about him and his wants and needs.

He's thinking of teaching, he's not sure which school, he wants to make a difference, he needs to have a life, he said he'd do XYZ, he wouldn't be too keen on writing things down, etc.

No wonder you feel so frustrated and powerless! You've handed him all the control. He's got everything on his terms.

No wonder he's never in the mood to discuss a change and labels you selfish, nagging and a harpy if you bring it up.

Wordweaver - that deadline passed months ago.

Yes agree he needs to check re teaching, but he is not thinking so much a 'good' school, perhaps more a city school where there is more need, and where he might feel he can make some difference.

Well, there are plenty of 'characters' here, ipirate - I haven't seen your other posts so don't know the background, but sounds like you are happy to be rid of him . . . ?

Pavlov, regarding the pride issue, do you think that he might agree to set a deadline on the length of time he's going to hold out for a job that's worthy of him ? Because as you've said, it's now eating up your savings and that can't go on indefinitely. You have a say in what happens too, and you don't want to ask relatives for money. So would he agree that if he hasn't got a suitable job by x date, he will start applying for everything and take the first thing that comes up?

If things really did work well for 10 years before this rocky time then surely they can work well again?

However I think you do need to make some radical changes to avoid it all spiralling downwards even further. I would suggest that your mat leave may give you a big opportunity to fix things. Maybe dh could do a PGCE whilst you are on mat leave alongside a bit of casual work - or maybe he will feel happier with 2 adults in the house and more able to find a job?

I think there may be a surplus of teachers in the SW so make sure there is employment in your area before changing career to teaching! He could get a career dev loan for this - but it would also be a better use of your savings than doing nothing...

Wordweaver - but we have 'drawn a line' under it and moved forward before in the last few months, except we don't move forward. We have not done the whole writing down thing, I am not sure he would buy into that, but anything is worth a try

In the meantime, I will go look for a rocket to stick up his backside.

I agree, ipiratethief - Pavlov shouldn't have to do ALL the looking after. It's a two-way thing!

word thats a bit freaky cos the ex i speak of frequently here, is now in A, too.

ah well, there's always 2 sides to every story he tells!

and so you bloody well should.

I am trying to answer without my experiences to influence too much. Yet i used to enjoy being 'mum, protector, organiser', and thats the pattern it fell into, until shit hit the fan and he ended up totally useless.

I was just ebing 'me' tho, and will not balme myslef for 'enabling' him, cos i know now I was just enabling the wrong person, a person who naturally was never going to change or be the storng, productive one. Unless it was for his own means, or to make himself seem happier.

ipiratethief - tot side - A.

Pavlov - I see what you mean about the resignation - he really does need some sort of firework to get him going again. I'm not excusing his selfish behaviour at all, but I guess I can understand how it could grind you down if you had tried and tried and not found anything. And as you say, he has slipped into a pattern. But it only takes two weeks to break a habit of a lifetime, let alone six months.

If he'll acknowledge that he's not happy being out of work and with things as they are, could you pick a day or a weekend to do something a bit different from the norm and sort of draw a line under the way things have been? Fresh start as it were, with both of you agreeing to make some changes? On other threads people have talked about them and their partners writing down the things they would like the other one to be doing, as a means of healing rifts between them. If you could find a way to close the door on the recent antagonism and agree to start again, perhaps he might feel more able/willing? I know, I'm probably being hopelessly optimistic here - I know it's not that easy - but just trying to think of practical 'things' he might try . . .

plym side.

I know I am making excuses. I always try to see things from his perspective, make sure I am not being a harpy, being selfish myself. I can be demanding, i do want things done my way, I am not the most appreciating, or sympathetic person in the world and I try to clarify that its not just me being pigheaded and seeing it from my POV only.

But I know I make excuses for him.

So what next? i just want it to all stop being like this. I am fed up with arguments, with feeling bitter and annoyed. I would quite like to start feeling like we will make some progress in the future. I never considered myself as someone who did the holding together of the fort. I thought it would be more equal. And, if I am truthful, I would quite like to be looked after and spoilt a little , I don't mean with flowers - i mean being able to cut my hours back and be a mum more full time, not being expected to do everything.

we are in south devon - it is touristy. He said when he was made redundant, he was so upset about not providing, he said he promised he would do anything to keep us on track. He said he would look at shelf stacking at night to give him days to cover any childcare and to search for a better job. He tried really hard to make it work for a few weeks. Then seemed resigned to the fact it was not going to happen and slipped into this pattern. He has no routine.

The thing i don't even think he is happy with things like this. I don't think he enjoys himself, I think he just fills in time. I really do. He just can't be bothered to change things.

You're making excuses for him now, Pavlov.

He's part-time looking after one child! He has no idea what a piece of piss that is!

I have a 3-year-old, she can demanding, too, but it's pretty easy when I just have her to get quite a lot of housework done.

I even manage to cook tea with three of them - an 8-month-old baby, a 6-year-old and a three-year-old.

A lot of us on here do!

My husband works shifts and it's tourist season, so I'm on my own many an evening getting all three of them bathed and in bed.

Let's break out the violins!

ah, I am in town of k. are you plym side, or tot side, of hams.

Hi ipiratethief, I'm just on the edge of South Hams - grew up in Totnes but can't afford to live there now .

Pavlov, yes where are you? Weaver, where are you I am in south devon too, South Hams.

'I just cannot leave the housework though. I am ok with living in a relative mess, but I cannot live in a shithole, I just will not live like that.'

It's a palaver, then, because from what you've said on this thread, pulling teeth from an elephant is going to be easier than getting this man to pull his weight (it is not helping out, it's doing one's share).

expat and solid speak sense. Sense is really hard to see, when you are in a situation which you 'think' is normal. ie the way he is. I am 40 yrs old and have only just, with repeated reading on here, realised alot of things about my ex's similar behaviour.

it's basically called, behaving like a kid, and you are the mum. You don't want to belive you are being like that, 'enabling' them, but I know I was. You just can't get it into your head that they really could be that selfish. We all get 'lost' and want to change the course of our lives, we all change to some extent. Yet we don't all throw the towel in, cause upset to do it.

Pavlov, what part of Devon are you in? I was just wondering if it would be possible to get him to do a job that he considered 'beneath him' if it were only a temporary one? Because I'm in south Devon and the tourist season is getting underway, and so there are a fair few seasonal positions cropping up. Perhaps if he could see an end to it, and knew that he could apply for other things at the same time but also bring in a bit of money, it might be something you could put across as a bit of a compromise?

I used to work in the job centre and I remember how hard it was for the men (and women) of a certain age who were looking for work and realising that they might have to take a severe cut in status/income. I don't underestimate the impact it can have on self esteem.

I know that you've had some horrible arguments, but would it be possible to have a calm conversation about what his priorities really are? I mean, almost to the point of agreeing what the important things in his life are, i.e. family, friends, pride, house, income etc, and then asking him to rank them in order of importance. If he's putting his head in the sand, having arguments will just make him burrow even deeper, but maybe a calm assessment of the situation might be harder for him to shout against? It might force him to acknowledge, 'yes, my pride is number three/four/five on the list' and then let him do the logic.

My boyfriend and I sat down and went through his budget recently, as things are really tight for him at the moment. It was hard for him - it took all night (we used that Martin's Money Tips Excel document) but seeing it there in black and white - how much he was spending on stuff and the effect of that over a year - really shocked him and made him change a lot of his spending habits. Little things in a way, but now when he wants to buy a magazine or something, he looks at it and thinks 'Oh, that's £x of my weekly food budget', for example, and it does seem to make a difference to his mental attitude.

Don't know if any of this is helpful - sorry to hear what you're going through.

It is certainly not easy for him looking after DD at home, but its not ALL day every day. I work currently 10-4 as I am on reduced hours due to medication/hyperemesis although this will change back to normal hours in due course. but even then, I have tuesday afternoons and Fridays off work, and try to do stuff with DD then, so he has time then to catch on housework, do job applications. While I have been unwell, he has had to look after DD at this time and she can be demanding. I know that, but i work, then look after DD, then have no me time myself either.

expat - i know, i know. You know what though, if he did ALL the housework, if he took DD to toddler groups every day, if he did all the DIY and made sure he did proper weekly shopping to save money, did not live the life of riley while I work/struggle with a horrid pregnancy I would be happy to pay for him not to work, insane as that sounds.

I would not support him becoming a teacher through the conventional route of pgce - i woud expect him to earn a wage as a support teacher or on the job training etc. I would also love to have a career change/wanted to up my career but could not afford to do so, even though I know I would be bloody good at what I want to do and have wanted to do it for a long time. I will absolutely not fund him to change his career. He will have to contribute or find another way of doing it. You are right there for sure.

I just cannot leave the housework though. I am ok with living in a relative mess, but I cannot live in a shithole, I just will not live like that.

I'd be VERY tempted to flog his computer games console and use the money to pay some bills.. but that would just be me being very petty.

On the one hand I can see where the house getting messy is tough for him - my DS creates mess wherever he goes, and whats the point in tidying it up till he goes to bed !! I also struggle to do ANY work while looking after DS. I've just started seeing patients of my own and it's impossible putting treatment plans together while DS is around, so I can kind of see how difficult it would be to do applications for him. I usually do bits in the evening if I have the energy, but TBH mostly I'm too knackered. However, I DO usually manage to find an hour or so to MN... helps me keep sane.

However, he is NOT pulling his weight. Maybe you could show him this thread ? Make him understand where you're coming from ?

I don't know that I'm offering any useful advice - but thought I could perhaps put into perspective that sometimes it's difficult to do stuff in the day with a DC.

'This needing as life' thing would drive me potty however - surely his family IS his life ?

'And he will be miserable if he has no life, or course who wants to be a nothing, do nothing, but I certainly don't either.'

So, in other words, you're okay with paying for him to have this life.

Because he's not working and earning the means to pay for having a life.

Hell, you know what? Most of us work and work and don't have a 'life' like he has, swanning around all day, pretty much every day, hanging out in pubs and cafes.

We can't afford it because we chose to have kids.

It has to be a rare treat because, hello?! we're grown ups who have chosen to have a family and, as life is a trade off, some things have to change as a result.

Solid pretty much sums it up.

You keep saying, I want him to be XYZ, I want H back, I want . . .

Well, there's what you want and what you have.

He wants to be a teacher. He doesn't want to take work he considers beneath him. He hasn't applied for available jobs, but he will!

Do you see a pattern here?

He's finding all sorts of ways not to work.

It's possible to become a teacher and work, even if only part-time or at weekends. Not pleasant. But if needs must. My sister had to do this because, needs must. She worked in a bar. And yes, she has two children and a husband.

Now she's a teacher.

Since you're pretty much stuck with the situation, maybe you should try to get some counselling to learn how to not get stressed being married to a person like this, because he's made it very clear that, no matter what you want, he's happy with who he is.

And who he is happens to be lazy and selfish.

Pavlov, what a horrible time for you just now. I think your DH sounds like he needs things spelt out clearly to him and although this may cause an initial argument I think you will feel a whole lot better if you calmly say how the situation is making you feel. Men often need things spelt out clearly ( a bit like children ). Tell him how you feel and what he can do to help you feel better, tell him what your expectations are for his behaviour and for your life together as a family.

If that doesn't work I'd consficate the savings by transfering them into your account so he can't spend them on leisure activities. Why should you have to cut short your maternity time with your new baby cos hubby has spent it on frivolities. I'd also refuse to do any housework apart from what you and DD need done e.g clean clothes.

When I fell pregnant and working 11 hour days my hubby wasn't working. Eventually after a big chat he started to take responsibility for ALL housework. However you will need to accept that his standards will not be the same as yours.

I really hope you can sort this out with him he should be providing for his family in some form and if that is not financial then he needs to do it in other ways.

Pavolov, things are 'great' between you when this man is getting his own way. He thinks he matters more than you, end of - so of course things will not be great when you ask him to exert himself for your benefit. He is fundamentally selfish and that is not something that will actually change. You see, he;s not worried about the situation right now, it suits him perfeclty well. He can do what he likes while you support him, and he can make some vague promises or maybe come home with a bunch of petrol station flowers to shut you up when you start 'nagging/whining' - and his mother will bail him out as well.
At some point, he will get a job and you will 'get your H back' but he will actually still be the same person. It will just be that because he is earning an income the source of your worries (about losing the house) will be alleviated however he will still be doing as he likes and expecting you to indulge him.

when i thought i was going to have to give up my career earlier this yr due to ill helath, i was prepared to do anything to bring the money in we needed.

If treatment for my loss of vision was not sucessful i would go blind in one eye evntually.
This means that i couldn't do my voctional careere any more.

Do you know what- i was happy to clan houses/offices/whatever just to make ends meet.

I think your DH is being an arse over th e work TBH. working is working, whatever it is doing.
You can be proud of yourslef inside and the owrk is irrelevnat.

I think to say you are too proud to sweep the streets/clean/manual labour/.whaever is just olain dumb. Bringing money in and looking after a family is a way to be proud fo onesef.

agree completely with expat here with nobs on re the work.

Sorr, pavolv, he does need some sort of shaking up- will one of his working mates help you out on this??

Sorry another post.

We spent some time talking last night. Not too heavy, I did not want another argument. I asked him if he has applied for the jobs he saw in the paper this week and he said not yet but he will.

He then said he was considering becoming a teacher, we talked about this before, but he was unsure if he would be good at it. He said that he has been thinking about how perhaps he needs to change tack and do something different, see things with fresh eyes. I really think something like this will be good for him, and i think he would be a good teacher, but i just fear it is talk talk talk. If he does it, great, but if he does not, then its just another dream. But at least we did not argue.

The thing is, when things are good with us, things are great.

As a family, we have a lot of fun, a LOT of fun, even now with things how they are. When I am not stressed about work or the house, or not vomiting due to sickness. We go to the beach a lot, we go out for walks in the woods, we watch dvds together, have family weekend cuddles, we don't argue all the time, like it probably sounds like we do. But when we do argue, they are about the same seemingly unresolvable things. And these things prey on my mind all the time, they fester at the back of my mind all the time even when we are having fun. We have fun when I am not nagging. Or when I am not upset about him not working. When I ignore it.

I don't want to lose all the good things we have. We have a fantastic daughter, and I want us to be a family with the new baby too. I don't want to lose him. But it feels like I already am. I just want him back, and I cannot make him see it is him that is fucking it all up, not me. Not my hormones, not me causing arguments through being grumpy or angry or having an 'attitude'. We got married less than 2 years ago because we felt we had a future together, because we wanted to show the world we are united in everything we do.

Really - would I be better off financially without him? I would say probably. Would I be less stressed? Well when I leave the house half tidy I would return to it half tidy. I would buy half the amount of food we currently buy. But, I would not be happier without him, I know I am not happy right now, I am stressed, I am worried about the future, I am worried with my decreased salary we could lose our home in the future if I can't get a mortgage to cover the loan, as we are eating our savings which would have been added to the mortgage. DH says we wont lose our home as it would never get that far, he could always talk to his mum. But I don't want that. I don't want helping hands if we can do it ourselves. I want to do it ourselves. It is our life. And yes if we are stuffed and we have tried what we can then I would gladly take support from his mother in the form of a loan, but not without us being able to say hand on heart we are in shit financial times and we did all that was in our power to avoid getting there. He just waits for things to sort themselves out. He does not get that they wont.

If we are together and he is not working I will most likely have to go back to work full time, or close to. I wanted to reduce my hours to 25-28 to spend time with the new baby and also have time with DD, take her and pick her up from school when she starts etc.

We have already made the changes we can possibly make to reduce our income. If he stops going drinking beer completely it will save a little but not enough to fix it. And he will be miserable if he has no life, or course who wants to be a nothing, do nothing, but I certainly don't either.

He just does not get that getting a job will mean he can have a social life and stop our relationship effing up.

I think really it is not the housework. It is the housework that he should be doing while not working. But you are all right, its the lack of work and lack of effort here that is the problem not the housework.

Can a 10 year relationship really break down in 6 months?

How utterly grim for you. I read the first post and thought 'Well people always say, don't be picky, take any job that;s going but if someone previously had a preofessional/high-earning job it is acutally not that easy to get any old job. People with vacancies for minimum wage/entrylevel/shitwork jobs don;t actually want qualified, experienced professionals and often won;t hire them.
But reading the rest of the thread I see that the problem is your H thinks that because he has a cock, he matters more than you. So, even though he's not earning any income for the family, he's the important one in the household and therefore you shoudl indulge him and understand his selfishness need for time alone.
Do have a think about the maths and the timing and all that, and how much better off you might be if you didn;t have to pay for his social life and pick up his laundry.

She's tried that approach. He doesn't want to know.

I mean can they live without using savings and if so what changes does that involve - eg no more pub visits, dh doing more housework etc so as to make the position sustainable...might spur him into finding a job if he confronts reality

'Alternatively can you live on just your wages in the longer term, and if so what changes will you have to make?'

They already are living off her wages.

He's using their savings to fund his layabout lifestyle.

He doesn't give a toss that she'll have to forfeit some of her maternity leave.

Imagine yourself, doing all this, getting all worked up like this, and with a newborn into the equation.

Out of work since Jan is a long time. Can you ask dh what his strategy is re finding a job?

It's OK to be picky for a while but tactics need to change if nothing is turning up I would say.

What line of work is he in?

Alternatively can you live on just your wages in the longer term, and if so what changes will you have to make?

Basically it boils down to this: if you were on your own, would your life be more peaceful/less stressful, and therefore your health better?

If the answer's yes, show him the door.

He's thirty^-^five. Really there's no excuse for acting like a 15-year-old.

Oh, and I've been made redundant twice in my life. I actually had to go through a bankrupcy. Was stressful, yeah, but in the US welfare is not a lifestyle choice so I had to take whatever work I could get my hands on.

He says he has pride? If he really did he'd step up to the plate and do whatever it takes to support the family he chose to create.

Gimme a break! There's a recession on! You do what you can to keep the wolf from the door.

God, what a selfish wanker.

Gosh maybe expat and others are right, I guess I was thinking along the lines that as another DC was on the way it wasn't the time to be thinking about breaking up, but it sounds like you have tried all the other options, maybe it will make him realise that you are serious about things.

Pavlov I think you have to stop doing the applications for him, it's only encouraging him to be lazy.

He is behaving like a child - but you know that.

I really don't know what to suggest, it sounds like you have tried everything

I honestly think that if it was me I would be thinking about throwing him out. He isn't making a full contribution to the household at the moment.

Oh, and someone will be along in a minute to say, 'Poor man, he's probably depressed. Get him to a GP'.

Well, I'm majorly depressed. Every fucking thing is a bloody effort. I have to paste a smile on my face every single day because inside I mostly feel just numb.

It is not a get out of life free card and an excuse to take the piss out of my family and home.

rookie - I agree the house will not fall over if not pristine, but at the same time when I come home to find DD eating tea in front of the tele while he is on the computer playing a computer game and the house in total chaos, and no clean clothes I get so upset. I took ALL the washing to the launderette and paid someone to wash, dry and iron it all to get on top of it, as despite it being lovely weather we have £30s worth and I just could to do it.

I really do not expect perfection, just some effort. ONE really tidy room for me to sit in when I get home from work is all I ask. Or for him to say, I have just completed an application for xx and posted it.

I do most of his applications as it is. And he leaves it until the day before its due in, gets stressed, and I have to do the printing as he gets angry with the printer. I cannot do any more than that. I am not his mother and did not sign up to be his mother when I entered this relationship, nor when we got married not 2 years ago.

Family are a no-no, his mother is in USA and deaf, he wont listen to his brother any more than me, and will resent me speaking to him, same with friends really. I can talk to a couple of people I guess, but he will likely consider those people either interfering, or will just agree with them. He does agree he needs to get a job. He just wont do it.

I will talk to a friend. You are probably right.

'I feel like I have turned into the woman who watches her husbands every move and is jealous of everything he does, and makes him suffer for it. I really don't want to be like that. '

If I were working my arse off to support a so-called partner to swan around all day and do FA I'd be pretty pissed off.

Sorry, but I'd kick him out. He's thirty^-^five years old. Sorry, but all these excuses 'maybe he's afraid of having two,' and blah blah blah are just enabling bullshit, IMO. He's a grown man!

Then you could get more child tax credits to put your child with a minder and at least come back to a house that hasn't been trashed all day.

When you have a family, you apply for and take whatever work you can!

I just applied for a housekeeping job in the hotel where my DH works because we need some more money and it's between the hours of 9.30 and 3.00 for 16 hours/week so we can work on swapping shifts out for childcare purporses.

Because that's what you do when you have a family and you're skint and need to put food on the table.

If he hasn't learned that then he can learn it on Job-Seeker's Allowance when they start forcing his lazy arse to go on work placements or get his benefits yanked.

Love is respect. Respect for oneself and respect for one's family.

Well, yes, actually while he is not earning any money he should not get to spend it as if he is - what happens when the savings run out?

What is your limit, for tolerance? Just think ahead... it started with excessive socialising, now a bit of casual lying, emotional separation from you? Easier to lie, then he doesn't have to talk to you? That is very sad, I think.

Don't wait up, you will feel so much more disappointment if that one pint was a lie. Put a film on and if you doze off, you doze off?

Is there anyone else that can talk to him, a parent or sibling or someone that can make him realise how selfish he is being ?

I think part of the problem is that the two of you are now stuck in a negative discussion pattern and maybe the intervention of someone else would help him to get his ass in gear.

I do know of two blokes where they were useless about getting another job and in both cases the mothers filled in application forms and sent them off. At the time I thought it was b*llocks and grown ups should do their own stuff, but it was a turning point for both of these guys in the long run, so although it may be counter intuitive maybe some babying is required to get him into a new job, then hopefully he will get his self confidence back.

Do whatever makes you feel best this evening, but quite frankly the house isn't going to fall over if its not pristine.

Now I don't really know what to do. Go to bed, or wait up and watch a movie with him when he gets back. Or maybe force myself to have some energy and go out to visit someone myself when he comes home.

I feel like I have turned into the woman who watches her husbands every move and is jealous of everything he does, and makes him suffer for it. I really don't want to be like that.

rookie - i know what you are saying and I agree. Not that he should feel like this, but that it is how he is feeling. But concentrating on the work thing, we have done that, and the arguments have been awful. He says if he is forced into work he does not want to do it will destroy him, and he gets very very upset. He has done shit jobs for a long time and then he got a good one and was made redundant within 6 months as they cocked up their funding (charity). He thinks he is going backwards.

Our rows always end with him promising he will take anything. But he just wont do it. He won't apply for the shit jobs. He talks about it, he says 'oh I am thinking of doing this, or that, or the other' or 'i have seen this job for 20 hours, could do this and get another one on top of that' but then he does not apply.

And that has led us to here. As he will not focus on a job, and thus I am becoming resentful about everything.

How do I get him to see that he is being selfish though? That is the problem I am having. I can't tell him, he just won't hear it. I can't show him, as when I was sick and unable to do anything and the house went to rack and ruin he just did not get that it showed how much I do. If I do nothing now, he just does not get it, and thinks I am being pigheaded.

We are at loggerheads, and I don't know where to turn, or what to do, or say to move things forward in a positive way. And I have never felt like this before in our relationship and it is really frightening.

Sounds like his not having a job could be the root of a lot of these issues, because if he was working he wouldn't have as much time and energy to go out in the evenings and you wouldn't expect the housework to be done.

Therefore why not drop the other stuff and purely focus on asking him about that, because probably at the minute he has given up because he feels he has to get a job, clean the house and not go out with his friends before you are happy, so has given up on all three. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just saying he might see it this way.

He says in response to this, when I say this to him 'so you are saying I have to stop living too? I lost my job through no fault of my own and I have to be punished for it? Stay at home doing fuck all while you go to bed early? I do work hard you know when you are not here, how would you know what I do? Just because it is not to your standard, and I look after DD, that is a job itself, I am allowed a life' or somesuch. He also thinks he does not have to become like me. But I am boring now because I have been unwell, and because I have to tidy the bloody house when I get home so I am too tired to do anything. I do go to bed early a lot. But i would love to have the energy to go go to the pub. Its not that I don't want to and he thinks I am like this through choice.

If he was working it would not be like this. He is stuck in a rut of domestic hell (in his eyes although he has not said as much) and he longs to escape it when he can, thats how it feels to me. If he just gets a job, any job, he will get out of that rut.

He has said he will only be going out for one pint this evening, said he will drive. We will see.

i don't think hes cheating I think hes just a selfish arse

SOrry but how dare her go off the pub and drink beer when he is out of work - sorry but his ONLY priority right now should be getting ajob - not "me time" or computer games etc

Sorry but he is being a very selfish little child

Portofino - i sometimes feel like that. I think it would be easier on my own that like it is now. But I don't want the relationship to end. I love him very much, but don't want it the way it is now.
It seemed to change when I got pregnant for the second time, I don't know whether this is due to it coinciding with his losing his job (same month) or not, but I don't know how to change it back.

And if I give him an ultimatum? What if he calls my bluff? I want him to start behaving better, not leave. But I also want him to contribute again.

The friends he sees are those who a) a friend on maternity leave who brings her DD over to spend time with my DD - I am fine with that one as the kids socialise even though there is an age difference b) a friend who works away at festivals a lot and comes back periodically and when he does he spends a lot of time with DH as his DP works in the day c) a friend who works shift work so has time off on certain days in the week d) two friends who are unemployed and have been for a long time (and will probably stay that way). All our other friends work and they are often the ones he goes to see in the evenings.

I do not suspect he is cheating. I have asked him outright, even though I did not really suspect it, and he said not, and I beleive him. I think he is truthful in the reasons for his lying - he does not want me to nag me further about where he is going, what he is doing, and perhaps on some level he knows he is taking the piss a bit and does not want to advertise it? And I told him just what you said, the reason I am upset about the lying it it means I do not know if he is lying about other things - I also said how do I know he has not lied before and not got caught - most people do things a few times before they get caught, coincidental he got found out on the first time he has ever done it, and told him I do not like the path our relationship is going down where he thinks it is ok to lie to me rather than risk me being annoyed with him. It breaks the trust we have in each other.

We have been together for 10 years. Married for 18 months, we met when I was 21 and he was 25, so not that young, and he had a good lot of fun before me, and while we were childless together.

You are not being at all unreasonable. He is a husband and father, not a teenage boy! Shape up or ship out in mho. Lying about where is he is definitely not on. Rocket up the arse time.

Don't his friends have jobs? Or children/family lives/responsibilities? I wish I had that many friends to see in the daytime.

Do you trust him? I am not automatically suspicious of men so this isn't asking if you think he is cheating, NOTHING is making me think that - but why is he lying? Easy life? Less conversation with you? My DP has lied once or twice about really silly things but they annoyed me because I do think that someone who can lie about little things will lie about big things. That said I don't think my DP really has lied since - I am as sure as I can be. I am telling you this just because I want to reassure you that I am not looking for clues in your posts.

Have you been together a long time, or were you very young? Is he trying to squeeze in freedom before DC2 comes along? Is he worried about being a father to 2?

Princess - he loves DD, but I think he tolerates me. I told him this before and he insists he loves me, he insists it is all me, either in my head, or because I have been ill it has been hard for him to know how to be with me, I have been demanding (I have been).

He never used to be like this, he never had secrets. He would have said something like 'i stopped off at a friends before I went to xx's' or 'had a great bbq, x needed to see xx do we stopped off there on the way home, he said hi' that kind of thing. But now he just does not say anything.

Its a viscious circle. He feels resentful for me being a nag, the more I nag the less he does so the more I nag the more upset I get. He does not think he does little, especially as sometimes it does take him ages to do a task. So in his eyes he has worked hard to do it, even if I then have to spend ages finishing it off. His answer is, it does not need doing, your choice. He thinks I am ungrateful.

To be fair this is probably the first time he had been to a pub in a while. He is not a huge drinker, and spends much of his time playing computer games at friends houses (thinks he is a teenager!).

What do I want to do? I don't know. i want to stop resenting him. I want him to start working harder. If the place was spotless or even much cleaner that it was, or if he worked hard to keep it that way but it did not stay that way on account of us having a 3 year old I would be much happier with him going out. I would even feel more like he needed space perhaps. I want him to get a job. I want him to realise he cannot do all these things if he is working, he cannot see his friends. For example he was meant to take DD to baby group last week but a friend came round instead and he did not go. I said that she is priority especially as she is not at nursery, he needs to tell his friends he cannot see them at that time on that day as he is busy, but he just won't. He got annoyed that he missed a friend who popped over for a cuppa last week when DH and I both took DD swimming, he was gutted he missed him!

Ok, I x-posted with you. You are pregnant and he is lying about where he is?

Honestly with that and your second post it sounds like he has the life of riley and the family stuff he just tolerates.

Well FWIW I don't think you are being unreasonable, though I know you didn't ask. He does sound completely selfish to me - his life sounds very easy, and yours chaotic and full of responsibility - where is the sharing? You can have an early night whether he is in or out so he is completely taking advantage. How much is he spending seeing friends and drinking in pub gardens?

I don't really know what to suggest, what do you feel like doing about this?

A couple of weeks ago, he lied to me about where he was going. And I found out as I needed to get hold of him and could not so I contacted a friend to call him at this person's house, as I had no number to call him there (his mobile was not on). She phoned back to say this person had not seen him for ages. So I called again several times and eventually got DH who said he was at 'xxs' house. I said 'no you are not' and he said, 'i am going there, i have just been to xx first' I asked him why he lied and we had a huge argument about it, as he said I was making a big deal and did he need to account for every step he makes. He said he feels I am stifling him and he lied to me as he did not want to me to grill him about who he is with and why. Eventually he promised not to lie again, but blamed me for making him lie still.

Then last week he went to a bbq, and he came home about midnight. I was not well so did not go. My friend called me the next day to check how I was and said in passing 'it was a really good evening, and every one left by 10pm so I was able to clean up and get to bed early'. I had not spoken to DH before this as he was still in bed when friend called. When he got up I gave him an hour to tell me he had gone elsewhere, and he did not tell me. I asked him where he had gone and he said 'oh i had to go to xx's as x was giving me a lift home and he was going there first'. He said it really defensively, like I was trying to catch him out, and to be honest maybe I was. But I just feel left out of so much and he does not talk to me about things any more.

I was going to put it in AIBU, but firstly I am probably been a bit unreasonable, and he is too, and I am not in the mood for a flaming, and secondly, even if I am being unreasonable I don't really care, I feel these feelings and they are real regardless of the reasons. I just need to rant and I am sure I will feel much better!

DH is out of a job. He has been out of a job since january, he has applied for the odd job here and there, but to give him credit the job market is not good here in Devon, there are lots of people going for the same jobs. But he is also not applying for everything he possibly can. He says he is too old to start again doing a teenagers job, he has pride and why should he lose his pride?

Luckily we had a little in savings to tide us over. but it feels like he seems to think he won't have to sort out work until this money disappears completely. It was not what it was for.

I am 20 weeks pregnant. I have been working 32 hours a week since I went back to work when DD was 9 months old, she is now 3. I have suffered from hyperemesis, and have only just in the last few weeks felt well enough to stat living again, returned to work, have more energy.

Since DH has been house husband he has been responsible for DD and the cleaning/tidying of the house. He is great at looking after DD, but the housework he is useless at. The house has been chaos and I have not until recently had the energy to clean it (we also have building work going on so it is messier than normal due to storage issues). DH has tried in his view to keep on top of it, and he has looked after me, and it is not a skill of his, cleaning. He cleans, but not tidies if you get that. And he cooks most days for both DD and us, although often DD gets a quick thrown together something.

But my problem is that he does not spend all day every day cleaning, socialising DD (she is not at nursery as we had to withdraw her before she was 3 due to finances), looking for work. But he goes out to see friends, our friends, they come to visit, he drinks lots of tea, and he spends a LOT of time on the computer playing his computer games, probably does around 1 hour of cleaning/tidying/washing/etc a day if I am lucky, I come home from work and have to do more, to keep on top of it. DH does enough to feel justified in getting arsey about it when I moan, he feels he looks after DD and that is enough. He does not spend much time looking for work at all, I have no idea how much time when I am not here, but I know I often point out jobs for him, and he does not always bother to apply.

He goes out a lot in the evening, and since I have been ill it has occured more and more. We have argued extensively and had some arguments that came close to us splitting (he threatened to leave as he did not like my attitude). He promised he would not go out all the time, and when he is in we would spend more time together.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, we went to Hyde Park festival on sunday, got back late sunday night/early morning, I had the day off work, I then worked hard for DDs birthday, went out shopping for bits while he 'looked after DD' at a friends house, in the garden drinking tea. The next day, he went out to finish off and DD and I slept for 3 hours as I was exhausted and he was very pissed off that I had slept all afternoon instead of preparing for DDs birthday party the next day.

Tuesday (same day) he went out in the evening for a couple of hours to help a friend move.
Wednesday he went out to visit a friend for the evening 'so you can have an early night, I know you are tired'
thursday he went out to visit a friend as he has not seen him for a while.
this afternoon (after I worked an additional day at work) he asked for some 'me' time, sure I said, and he then came up to the park with DD and I. He then said 'i am going out for a bit ok?' and I said 'where' and he said 'to the xx pub to sit in the beer garden and have a beer with friends'

And I felt so jealous. He has such a social life, is spending our savings as all my money is going on bills, he does not do enough in the house for my liking, he is not looking for work. He is not providing for his family. If he does not work soon I will have to forfeit some maternity leave.

He always makes out like he is going out to 'give me space' 'he knows I am tired' or he is on the computer, and when I challenge him he says I am paranoid and he gets defensive and we argue and he turns it around, he says I am ungrateful for what he does, he does more than I realise, He thinks I want him to stop seeing people, or having a life, because I don't have one, because I am too tired in the evening to go out myself. I probably do to be honest.

God that was very long and its not even half of what I feel. If I say anything to him we will just argue. There is no way I can stop an argument, I cannot seem to explain to him what I feel without him turning it around.