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Need some help dealing with an Eeyore.

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By Fri 03-Jul-09 11:27:55 Add message | Report | Contact poster

I've posted about this before so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself.

DP's brother's wife is the most negative and draining person I have ever met.

She is never happy, and always complaining about everything.

I have known her for two years, in which time she's had a baby (he's now 18mo ish) and moved house.

i have utterly run out of sympathy for her, and believe me I used to have loads, because I don't think she wants to be happy.

The hardest aspect of her tht I find is that she moans to the wrong people about things, IYSWIM. DP and the children and I used to live in a teeny tiny shoebox of a flat, and they lived in a much more spacious one (in fact, in the same block as I lived before that so I know exactly what a difference in space they had). She used to constantly bemoan their lack of space to me, and say that it was impossible for them to live in such cramped conditions and that she would only be happy if they moved. I found it quite insulting that she thought it was ok to go on and on and on about it to me, when we had half the space and twice the people in our house.

Well, they now live in a beautiful spacious 3 bed house, and all she does now is complain that it's such hard work and she wishes they'd never moved.

She has said to me on many an occasion that I don't know how hard it is being at home with a baby all day (er, ok then hmm

). I should point out that she actually only has him three days a week as both sets of GPs have him for a whole day each and her DH has to totally take over when he's home in the evenings and at weekends.

A mum at school, who is married to DP and his brothers' childhood friend, bumped into her the other day. Now, this is a woman with three children in a very cramped house, who has to work shifts around her DH to pay the bills and for whom life is quite a struggle. SIL whinged and moaned about her lot in life, and slagged off BIL (her DH) to this woman. This mum accosted me in the playground to tell me this and to say how shocked and upset she was that this 'spoilt cow' had nothing good to say about her life, child or husband.

I have pulled right back from her lately, I used to see her at least once a week but she depresses me and I find it really hard. However, she has been in touch lately asking if she's done anything to upset me. I have wimped out of saying, 'yes, actually, if you'd stop fucking moaning for five minutes I might want to spend time with you', but actually I'm wondering if perhaps I should say something to her.

Even when she texts me it's all doom and gloom, if you took her at face value you would think that nothing nice happens in her life ever. Everything is negative, if they have a holiday it'll be shit, it they go out it'll be stressful, she will put a bad spin on everything. We went away for the weekend recently to somewhere they had been and she regaled me with tales of what a crappy time they had there, before we went.

She has a gorgeous happy little boy and her DH is fab (he's my DP's twin) and I would love to see more of them but I just dread spending any time with her.

I have tried being upbeat around her, letting her moan on, offering her solutions to problems, but nothing changes. I think this is just who she is.

Any ideas? Or do I just have to grin and bear it?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 21:06:39

I'd be ever so tempted to just take the piss out of her relentlessly. I have had one or two moany acquaintances that I have done this with . 'Ooh, hello [whinyarse] we were just talking about you. About what an inspiration you are to us all with your wonderful positive thinking. No, honestly, you're like a little ray of sunshine in our bleak, bitter lives. I don't know how you do it...'

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 21:00:15

She sounds like she needs therapy.

Are you brave enough to point out to her that nothing WILL make her happy she has to learn to be happy for herself. I do not say that lightly I used to have severe long term depression.

It does take a while to get used to being happy now that I am no longer depressed.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 20:47:01

Tis harder to live with it..

You maybe need a new angle and to talk to her about it.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 20:25:28

That's exactly it, Terpsichore. She drags me down and it puts me in a funk for days. And I am one of life's HAPPY peopel, so gawd knows what she does to people who are already a bit miserable.

She's a vampire eeyore.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 13:51:10

Reality, I too know someone exactly like this and boy, is it exhausting, so you have my sympathies. A tip I gleaned from a friend who's a psychotherapist is that it's easy to be dragged down by all the negativity - you have to stay positive and focussed on all the good things in your life, and don't shoulder their burden too. It's very hard not to, I know. But it's worth remembering. You have to protect yourself against the tide of doom! sad

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 13:39:55

You haven't upset me. Jut trying to put a different slant on it.

Ignore me. Having a tough day.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 13:38:45

Oh Fab

I'm sorry if I've upset you.

But it's not just about her being unhappy, it's about how much she goes on and on and on about things that she perceives as going wrong for her, when in fact her life is quite charmed.

RidingJoker, I do that drunk jollying of people. I too think I'm hilarious. We'd get on great grin

.

Notamumyet that is a top idea, I will stop her in her tracks and say, oi, we're talking about me here wink

.

Dp has just said that he thinks she probably got a lot of deserved attention for her woe-is-me-ness ten years ago when her first DH left her for her best friend, and has been unable to give up the 'buzz' she gets from garnering sympathy from people. The trouble is people are getting sick of it now.

DP also says her relationship with BIL has gone along the lines of, when xyz happens I'll be happy. So they've got married, he's paid her debts off, they've bought a bigger house and had a baby and she's still not happy. He's very worried for his brother because he thinks her attitude is very destructive.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 13:17:40

<Deep breath>

I am sure people say this about me. sad

Being happy scares me. Whenever I have been happy it has been taken away from me so it scares me when I do feel happy and I can't just enjoy the feeling. It makes me panicky.

I would meet up with her and have an open mind but ask leading questions to see where you get. She could be depressed, worried about something, enjoy the attention or any number of things.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 13:11:32

If she starts moaning when you see her next week, could you lightly/jokingly say something like "ooh, i was in such a good mood before i came over here and now you've got me all depressed!".

It may come across as a tad me me me but to be honest I think this is the kind of thing you can get away with when you are newly engaged! Could you also try and guilt trip her into cheering up by talking about how much you are looking forward to being SILs 'officially' and cementing your bond, etc etc? <boak>

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 12:08:04

she wont get the hint behind the song. she'll moan about it. grin

tis nothing you can do with eeyore characters i'm afraid. these type of people are just like this.

when i am forced to spend time with them due to functions. i try and be cheery. then when i get drunk i am known to pinch their cheeks going "smile, i dare you", while laughing like i'm hilarious.

yes, i can be very annoying i think. but its fun, and sometimes they do actually smile and realise they're being a mardy cow.

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Need some help dealing with an Eeyore.