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raped !!

(31 Posts)

By Fri 03-Jul-09 10:36:41 Add message | Report | Contact poster

A woman I know has just told me she was raped about 15 years ago! she was sitting at her desk looking very tearful and I asked her what was wrong and she burst into tears and I took her to my office and listened. A family friend raped her when she was very weak and vulnerable, having just come out of hospital and after being on a life support machine. He wasstaying at their house and had taken the kids to school and had retuned to the house and he raped her. She hasnt been able to tell her H. the only people who know are a friend of hers, her therapist, her doctor and now ME. I feel so sorry for her and didnt really know what to say to her. I blubbed on about therapy which shes been having for years for it and asked her if maybe now she could find it in herself to speak to her H, so that she was getting a little more support, but she fears that he will try to harm this man. I didnt know what to say or do, I felt completely useless. Just wondered if anyone has any suggestions how I can help her. Shes not a close friend or anything, just a work colleague, but people at work tend to come to me with their troubles! Im so shocked, what an awful thing to be living with.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 21:09:13

I have had to deal with this as an employer, on more than one occassion unfortunetly.

My company had a employee support service that offered couselling etc that was through a third party so was aboe to refer them there plus the support groups already offered. As well as giving any support you are able to give for appt etc.

I see you said that you don't feel you need any support but please make sure you keep an eye on yourself as it is very easy to get involved personally. (I know I have)

Have you thought of posting in the employment section? There are some excellent HR bods who can help you to get this right from a work place persepctive.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 19:16:40

QS I understand your sentiments about professionalism but would find your angle very detached and strange when dealing with someone who has personal problems.

I have never worked anywhere where some talking was frowned upon especially in such circumstances where a colleague or friend has a serious personal problem. But perhaps I have been lucky.

In fact some general social interaction is to be encouraged as it can bond a team and motivate them to work harder.

Out of interest which industry do you work in?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 21:58:02

'scuse my typos.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 21:56:34

'She was saying that the friend who she has confided in told her that she probably wont get any closure on it until the man in question is dead. Horrible thought, but nonetheless probably true.'

I don't believe that in sentiment,said friend is almost making the shame and suffering endless mental battle for the survivor.When your work collegue has worked through her therapy and finally comes to feeling like a survivor and not the ongoing 'victim' of rape,she will have have begun to heal-it's a bloody long journey but she will get there.

I found my closure was to open up to those closest,and that took years of battling with my demons-but once I did talk,it was the best thing I ever did.My abuser wasn't controlling my fear or shame anymore-all my years of self loathing ended,the secrecy of rape/abuse is cripping and soul destroying.

Thoughts to your work collegue.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 13:29:41

i intend to take a back seat and wait until or if I am needed. She spoke to me in confidence and I will of course respect that.I am not her particular line manager, but know she does not have the confidence in her own line manager to be able to speak to her about it. I think it has upset her moreso today because the person who raped her, contacted her husband recently to catch up!! It must be sooo hard for her when that happened because she obviously cannot show her contempt and hatred for him infront of her husband. She was saying that the friend who she has confided in told her that she probably wont get any closure on it until the man in question is dead. Horrible thought, but nonetheless probably true.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 12:01:02

interesting x post.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 12:00:23

not that I am heartless, but maybe try stay out of it a little. You caught her tearful in work, you asked her why. She told you why. Perhaps not because you are her personal friend, but because you are senior to her in work. She might not or expect you to do much more than you have done. You are appraised of her situation. Think about it from a professional perspective. A subordinate in work is going through a tough time. What would this mean in terms of times off, and being otherwise shown especial concern regards her duties and whether she can fulfill them or not, and what you can do to help her from a work related perspective.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 11:59:44

I dont feel that I need support atm. All I feel is shocked and sorry for her. I dont think that she will probably ever speak to me again about this, I think it was just that I was there when she was having a very bad moment and I was that listneing ear that she needed at the time. I will of course make sure she knows she can always come to me, but I get the feeling that she probably wont. she seems a very private person. Like I said I dont know her very well, shes just a colleague.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 11:53:27

the bit about making sure you have some support too is very important, by the way. But obviosuly while respecting her confidentitality.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 11:52:15

yes I am more senior

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raped !!