Ahhhhh sorry if I've got that wrong

Even so, I stand by the rest of my post though, you need to concentrate on positive things. Talk with your children about how they feel. Chances are they're feeling pretty mixed up about things too.

I dont think that Shy's DP is her children's natural father though is he? I think she said she'd been with him for 3 years and her DCs were 11 and 9. That said, at those ages he's still been around for a significant part of their lives and is bound to be important to them. For how long out of those 3 years has he been living with you as a family Shy?

It is hard to know what to do for the best as far as your DCs are concerned. What was their relationship like with him Shy?

Although this is tough on you all at the moment, one thing you can focus on (and I know it's a hackneyed old cliche) is that children are incredibly resilliant and they have an ability to bounce back if other aspects of thier lives remain stable and constant - i.e they keep up their usual routines with school, friends, other family members, hobbies/activities etc and of course you are the one constant factor in their lives - their anchor and the one they look to. They wil draw comfort and security from the things that are familiar to them.

Whatever shit is going on around them it is importnant to maintain a degree of tactful honestly with them too but at the same time shielding them from it as far as is practical and possible.

In your shoes, I think I would be tempted to tell them that there was a lot that went on between you two as grown ups that they as children could not, or would not, be expected to understand at their ages. Say that the reason that things didn't maybe appear to be so bad to them was because you both tried your very best to make sure that they didn't see arguing because neither of you wanted them to be upset or worried. Maybe you could find a book in the library that might help you tackle the issues that might arise from the separation from the children's point of view sensitively? There are lots of books aimed at children that deal with all sorts of "issues" that affect them. Just a thought...

I think the main problem you have here really is them possibily still wanting to see your DP. Had he been their natural father the issue of access would have been far more cut and dried but here, with abuse being an issue, I think that there is a very real possibility that your he could use the children as a way back to you. Obviously that's something you need to be alive to.

At the moment you are a bit like a drug addict going cold turkey and it's to be expected that you are having very, very bad days. It is early days and you shouldn't feel despondent. Broaching the subject with the children is bound to make it all seem worse too because you're now having to deal with their upset as well as your own too. I can see that might bring feelings of guilt on your part too, which are more understandable because you introduced him into thier lives.

It may not feel like it but you have come a long way already and you should be very proud of yourself.

Try and remain positive and focus on better times ahead in the future, rather than dwelling on the past. If you must dwell in the past try and balance your tendancy to dwell only on the good times with remembering the bad times too - the times he "stonewalled" your DC when in a mood and didn't let you visit your parents and all the nasty, hurtful things he said to you.

Your DCs will I'm sure bounce back from this with the right support from you and others close to them.

With the right support you will all make it out of this and move on to better things.

Gosh tough question, the kids always take it harder because at the end of the day its their daddy and they never see the bad in their parents. When I went through all this my main focus was keeping myself and the kids occupied and having fun, something simple like a little tea party and a karoake party can work wonders, keep the focus on smiling and laughing and show a positive front (and thats bloody hard coz all I wanted to scream about was my ex being a wanker)

I won't lie to you its a very draining process having to constantly go through everything with WA also if you get a solicitor involved you have to do it all again, its natural to feel tearful, shut yourself away and cry if you need to theres nothing worse than bottling things up.

Hi all. Just to say, I've ben for my appt with the Women's Aid lady today and we did lots of form filling and had a chat.
Actually, it wasn't quite the relief I was hoping for and talking about things was very upsetting. I had planned to go to the supermarket afterwards but had to come straight home - I looked a real wreck!
She has recommended I attend the Freedom Programme and it's something else to think about as a way forward.
Today has been one of the worst days so far, especially as the DC's have been asking lots of questions and saying how much they miss him. Have tried to be as honest as possible with them re: hostilities etc but they disagree he was so bad!
What do I do to make it easier on them?

Guilt is probably the key feeling that an abuser thrives on in order to maintain his power.

If he can make you feel guilty for ending the relationship it means that he has again successfully shifted the blame away from him and onto you. It is a clever tool and all part of the control. If you let those feelings get the better of you, the logical conclusion will be that you give him one more chance, the cycle will begin over again and you will be back to square one again.

It’s giving into these thoughts and feelings, and the “one last chance” mentality that keeps women in the cycle of abuse for years and years. This is exactly the mindset that you need to break free from.

Were all of the issues that led you to seek counselling his, or were they yours too?

If they were all his, then the problems were his and not yours in the first place. Therefore, you need not feel guilty about the fact that he needed that counselling in the first place, or if it's not working and he's had a set-back. In agreeing to the counseling in the first place and wanting to stay with him regardless of his serious control and jealousy issues, you have done all that you possibly could have to support and show a real genuine commitment to him and your relationship already. There is no need for you to feel any guilt whatsoever.

In life, everyone is responsible for their own actions and everyone has a limit too.
You should not feel guilty about admitting that after 3 years you've reached yours.

You have your life to lead and your impressionable children to think about too.

I don't know what sexes your children are but have you stopped to think about the sort of role model he will make for them? If you have DDs, will his control extend to them when they become older? If you have DSs will they think that the way he acts towards you is the way they should act in their relationships with women? If you have one of each then it's double trouble! They are getting older too and will become more aware of undercurrents in the household which could maybe have been more easily hidden from them when they were younger.

There is so much more to this than possibly meets the eye at first. But nevertheless, you need to try to bear these sorts of things in mind even though I appreciate that your emotions are very raw at the moment.

Even if he could be “rehabilitated” how long might that take? How much more time and emotional energy are you prepared to invest in someone who has not been able to show you over the last 3 years that he is able to change? And at what cost would that be to you and your family, with no guarantee of success at the end of it anyway?

Thanks all x

likewise I dont think I've any more advice to add, but will keep checking back every now and again just to see how things are, all the best xxxxx

shy, I have been lurking

You have had great advice, so I won't add any more

I just wanted to wish you luck, and think you have really done the right thing

My personal view (not sure if any research is available to back this up but I will look when I get chance) is that these bullies will never change, they have problems that stem from way back, most probably how they were brought up and the type of childhood they had. They will never change if they won't acknowledge they have a problem and its highly unlikely they will admit they have a problem.......apart from when they use it as a sob story to suck in their next victim.
There are perpetrator programmes available, certainly the freedom programme is available to men and I know of a few others, but they can't guarantee success. I also know that anger management isn't good for men like this, all it actually does is help them keep their anger under control only for it to explode even more behind closed doors.

Of course there were good times in your relationship, my ex used to constantly remind me of the good times whilst conveniently forgetting the bad (bad far outweighed the good)

Thanks both for your support today...
It feels much like a bereavement, totally raw and never leaves my thoughts completely.
I have a certain amount of guilt to deal with too, in the fact that, although things were bad at times, a certain amount of progress had been made over recent times and this is what he cannot come to terms with. I feel I am turning my back on that progress because he has had a set-back at is currently in denial again!
I don't know whether emotionally controlling partners can ever be rehabilitated and it would be interesting to hear from anyone who might know.
Anyway, for now, I have to concentrate my efforts on myself and the DC's and take each day at a time.