Very sorry to hear about still birth. You have certainly had a lot to deal with. Perhaps redundancy could give your family an opportunity to slow down a bit even nothwithstanding the financial impact. Let your DH know that you want to keep the good mood in the house and not fall out over silly things. My approach is to say that I wipe the slate clean before I go to bed i.e. no sulks or grudges and a little sign of affection whatever the day's troubles. Doesn't always work but mostly does.

Well... all went well last night. at last! I know it was only one night but its a start and it shows it can be done.
ToughDaddy we know all too well that these are precious years especially with the kids, as I had a stillbirth 3 1/2 years ago. It makes you stop and realise whats most important in life and that everyday counts. Thats why I dont unerstand if we managed to get through that horrible time together how come we have been struggling so much with this. Again I think a lot is down to stress, new baby, me adjusting to being back home after 10 weeks in hospital, the kids adjusting to me being home again, DH had to work full time and practically be a single parent while I was away and now the job situation.

Good progress. When you are having a quiet moment do remind him that these are precious years that you will or should look back on and cheerish (even with the baby adjustments) so don't waste it fighting. teamwork time, you are on the same side!

I know toughdaddy we just seem to attract stressful situations I think. Im dreading him being home with me, some nights its bad enough with trying to get through the evening without arguing now weve gotta last the whole day!!
Again we havent argued so far tonight, he has helped with DS and done some housework. and DS has just gone to sleep -fingers crossed!! So looking promising so far.
Thanks for all the advice everyone

Wow- you sound like a committed and conscientious wife and he IS being a KNOB. He must be made to understand the link between him being supportive and getting his own way! So you might have to lay down some terms balck and white:

-he needs to do the night time feeds or atleast alternate with you. Perhaps you do one week and he the other; depends what works for you.

-he must not take it out on the baby

-he must share the housework

I don't need to tell you that redundancy could add another layer of stress so I really hope that you can sort this out. Best wishes.

I agree tough daddy it is a big issue that isnt addressed nearly enough and ends up putting a strain on a lot of relationships at some point after birth. And to your earlier thread. we are quite limited to extra help. All family work except my mum but she had my boys for the time i was in hospital for long hours 5 days a week so im reluctant to ask her atm and we vant afford help. Another issue is night feeds- hes too tired!! I have to nag and i cant remember the last time he did one. DS3 had feeding problems so has to have a feed every 4 hours atm. he is either too busy, it ends up when hes getting ready for work- theres always an excuse. He has good & bad days with helping round the house too.
I understand completely that he does feel hard done -by with me being in hospital/having placenta preavia, thats why I tried my best at being understanding then and even now. I do sympathise with him and can understand how hard things my of been for him.But trying to get him to understand my reasons seems to be a big part of the struggle.
maybe your right &I do resent him for putting us through even more stress. I know its not completely down to him too.

Yesterday, i never heard from him all day another of his sulks. So I was ready for an arguement, when he got home I just took the boys in the garden to play and he sat in with DS3. Well, later he supprised me and talked to me! We both agreed to try to do what each other needed to feel happy- again! The evening was going really well...until about 10.30 we were about to go to bed (and I was happy to try to do something)& DS3 wouldnt settle. I was updating DH cv as hes just been made redundant and its his last day friday and hes useless on the computer, so he had to look after DS. He was getting so stressed at DS shouting at him for crying and cause there was 'nothing wrong with him'- So we had another row bout him needing to calm down with DS -hes a baby its not his fault he just wanted changing and a bottle, but DH felt he ruined our plans for the night. He kept swearing and being rude so I told him where to stick it again!! He eventually apologised for being a knob and we just ended up going to sleep.
He just seems to do himself no favours!

Mel1981- I read your previous thread (thanks to ABetaDad). I think you have tried to compromise, it seems. It is possible that you haven't yet forgiven him for not being more supportive/understanding when you were down in the dumps? This resentment could drag on unless your husband acknowledges what happened. The trouble is that he probably feels very hard done by. Controlling a high sex drive would take a lot of restraint on his side and he needs to know that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel in years to come. NCT classes etc. should really address this issue more frankly as this is so often a big issue.

Hello AnyFucker- I was with a couple of 30 something blokes at the pub last night and took opportunity to conduct an unscientific survey but will report back findings: we all agreed that we still full blooded sex beasts BUT that the errr "chemical explosion" at the peak of the moment that we experienced in our early 20s has been steadily tapering off even though desire is undiminshed. QED

mel1981 - I remember your previous thread on this issue.

I recall you could not have penetrative sex from 26 weeks because of placenta previa and am surprised you have had it twice since the birth. I also recall, you still were willing to be intimate with DH and give him relief and have obviously done so since.

The fact that you have done this for him and want to regain your libido are positive signs and he should be grateful for that. You should not be having penetrative sex in my view until you feel comfortable. That may be months away.

Your DH shoudl be helping out more, should be tired and should not be pushing you like this.

All men miss sex after the birth of a child and I do think that as long as the man is being considerate and doing as much as possible to help then even if a woman just wants to cuddle because she is too sore, tired or not up to sex then it is a nice thing to do to just occassionally spend 15 minutes recognising the man still has a sex drive. Just kissing, cuddling and touching him enough to bring him to orgasm. She does not have to agree to be touched at all if she does not want that. The man must respect that. However, doing this in my view goes a long way to maintaining a relationship at a difficult time.

Your DH should be more considerate and be much more helpful. He should have no complaints if you are prepared to offer what I have described above but no more than you want and only if he is playing his part and not pushing for anything more.

very happy to