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Going out with a decent bloke but unable to feel 'in love'

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By Wed 01-Jul-09 11:54:45 Add message | Report | Contact poster

For the first time in ages I have a nice boyfriend. The trouble is I am so unable to trust anyone, that I'm constantly questioning his motives, cannot abandon myself to loving him properly, although I have known him for years and years.

In short I am terrified.

Yes this is far preferable to dating some twonk whom I know will probably let me down - that underlying promise allowed me to just get on with it, whereas this time it is REAL and if we get deeper into something there will be actual stuff and an actual human being to deal with. I'm really scared.

I can't tell if it is just me being extremely anxious, or if I just don't really want to go out with him - or anyone - he seems full on in love but I am failing to enjoy it. I like seeing him with my children and he is great with them, they adore him, and he adores me...I should be grateful...but I am in a state.

Last night we ended up kissing but I felt so shaken and upset that I asked him to leave. He came back this morning, we took the kids to school together...I'm just hating it though, I feel embarrassed, and can't figure out what I feel. I wonder if I would ever enjoy seeing any guy who is committed and kind.

Help please if you can understand this muddled post! I will be back on later xx

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 13:26:19

Oh that is lovely. smile

and v encouraging!

I started to think, hang on, what if I committed myself to this guy, married him even, and then someone I liked more in that way came along...I'd be really stuck, and letting all of us down. I guess I had kind of given up on anyone I fancied actually a) fancying me back, and b) being a good person too.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 08:48:43

hi jumente, sgb and others on here are talking a lot of sense.
I have been online dating for a while and felt similar to you when I found a nice guy, trying to convince myself that I should just settle for that.

I gave myself a talking to and decided that I was a better person by myself, rather than trying to be something I am not for someone else. iyswim grin

I learned to love myself {sounds corney I know} and now enjoy my life with my dcs. I have now met a fab man, off the internet, who likes me for who I am and not what he wants me to be, and I fancy the pants off him!

Don't settle for second best, we are all worth more

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Sat 04-Jul-09 07:52:09

Thankyou, that all makes a great deal of sense and LOL at sticking his cock, etc etc

Before he came up here he was hinting vociferously about how much the train was going to cost, - i mean several times he mentioned it - and once before he told me one of his other girl friends paid for him to visit her, which made me go hmm

a bit. So I ignored the hints and just said 'Oh dear, well don't come then until you can afford it - I've got no money, you've got no money, it isn't urgent.

And then of course he did come and got his mum to pay him back for his ticket. Somehow I don't like that.

I've generally been getting very contented about things, lately - it's only really the thought of the children having someone else, especially ds1 who is quite a handful and wants a dad (or so he says) - someone who likes all of us would be good. But they have got a lot to live up to - I really am quite picky, it's just adjusting the pickyness iyswim, so I don't filter out the nice ones, and don't settle for someone I can't fancy.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 20:56:43

I think you don't fancy him. That's all there is to it. Don't get involved with him. Be polite but say it's not for you. You don't have to love the first man who isn't horrible.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 20:40:45

TBH in your situation I would honestly advise forgetting all about blokes for the moment. Because, frankly, right now your judgement is fucked - between whatever abuse you have suffered in the past and whatever deep-rooted ideas you have that you aren't complete without A Man (and therefore any old numpty who does't shit on the carpet or stab you in the face will do), you are really not in a good position to be making sensible choices. Start valuing yourself as a person, working out who you are and what you want. there is soooooo much more to life in general than being someone's wife/girlfriend.
Once you get some self-esteem and some happy stuff going on in your life, your judgement will start to improve - look, it's better than it was in that you've binned Mr Creepy Loser on you own initiative, before he started helping himself to your bank card or sticking his cock in your ear when you were asleep.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 20:05:56

So SGB how do you do it - i mean if you want a bloke, but you don't trust your own judgment and want to break the pattern - apart from going out with someone you trust but don't fancy, how would you do it?

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 17:40:39

Look, if this bloke had been a perfectly nice man who you simply didn't fancy, it would still have been wrong (and unfair on both of you) to try to make yourself 'in love' with him, but as it is, he's a manipulative creep and you can do a lot better.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Fri 03-Jul-09 14:45:15

Thankyou SGB...you make a lot of sense. I sent the letter this morning, finally I can stop wondering if he 'might be' suitable. It's a relief.

I've been to see a different friend today - I was feeling vulnerable, and sad about something and though he isn't my boyfriend, he was just perfect - listened, held me when I cried, spent time just listening. I realised when I have friends like him (and others) I just don't need a partner.

I'd love my children to have a 'Dad', that galls a bit at times - but me, I'm Ok and I feel quite loved enough really. It's a good place to be smile

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 02-Jul-09 21:57:21

Oh FFS this man is sounding worse by the minute. Look, lovey, have you got to the point where you think a 'nice' man is one who doesn't hit you/rob you/do you up the arse without asking? Because a NICE man is far more than that. A nice man makes you feel happy and relaxed in his company, appreciates you for who you are, does his share round the house, isn't mean with money, makes an effort to get on with your friends, holds down a job (unless there are good valid reasons for not having one at the moment) - all these things are sort of the minimum for a good friend. If you are thinking of taking a nice man as a sexual partner or couplehood partner then you need to seriously fancy him as well.
This chap you have at the moment is either a cocklodger-in-waiting or another sort of abuser (he won;t hit you but he will busily gaslight you into devoted service).
You don;t have to have a partner to be happy, or to prove that you are a grown-up. If people around you think you ought to have a partner, that's because they are dumb insecure herd animals and can safely be ignored.
Bin this creep. He's not worth a minute more of your time.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 02-Jul-09 19:36:41

Thankyou...yes, that's it - I think I ought to be able to love him, or at least build a life with him. But it isn't just me.

I've written a fairly kind, balanced letter explaining that while I like his friendship I don't want to be his girlfriend. I hope he is Ok with it. I was unspecific but said a full critique was available on request wink

I feel better for knowing what to do, and that we tried it and it made me so uncomfortable. He is always that way with people's mothers, grandmothers even...it's weird and freaky. I think he thinks it'll impress them but my mum just said she wasn't sure if he was 'a bit thick maybe?' grin

Ho hum
I can get back to normal life now.
Thanks for all your input. It did help a lot.

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Going out with a decent bloke but unable to feel 'in love'