Someone tell me whats happening.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

Split with partner seven years ago. Have a darling daughter. In the last couple of years ex partner has moved back in even though he has loads of women contacting him with explicit text messages(you know what I mean)and is supposed to have a g/f. This time as dd has been playing up and I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure he moved in with some of his stuff so that he could keep an eye on daughter. However, not working like that. Although he slags me off any chance he has especially when I mention his player like attitude and talks really loud on the phone to his women sometimes and constantly texts them he asks me out to a party. He sits and watches movies with me and talks about us doing this and that then within one day he changes and says I need to move on and meet someone. Although I have said we now need to draw boundaries and I made a list for us to discuss, he still hasnt done his. I have requested he no longer comes and sees daughter at my house but takes her out when obviously he isnt living with us as otherwise daughter is playing on bike, he comes round and sits by me telling me to let her play as long as she knows he is there. Why would he do this? Anyone got any ideas. He supposedly has a friends flat he is staying at. Wouldnt you jump at the chance of only having contact with child and not ex? Please make sense of this.

[Heated]

Having his cake and eating it?

[whoisasking]

My confusion lies in the disparity between these two lines:

"In the last couple of years ex partner has moved back in"

"I have requested he no longer comes and sees daughter at my house"

Actually this is a lie. I'm sorry but I am completely confused at your post. I think you're saying that your XP has moved back in but is actually only a lodger, but is sending you missed signals (something about a bike?)

[whoisasking]

• mixed signals.
  
  (although the first one is quite accurate too. )

[GypsyMoth]

Confusing post.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

sorry, ex partner is staying in spare room at moment as he is supposed to be taking stress of dd off me for a bit until blood pressure goes down. Not actually ever here to take control of dd but that was the idea. Usually lives in friends flat and visits daughter twice a week. When he used to visit he would let her play outside while he sat with me saying as long as she knows he is there. Now he is staying with us, he hardly talks to dd but suggests we go out to a party together etc. etc. When I suggested he now goes (no point him being here dd has calmed down) he ignored it. When I also said we need to now change the way access is arranged, ie once he moves out he must come and take daughter out he hasnt agreed or disagreed saying I have to be patient for him to say how access can be arranged so its convenient for both of us. Why not just move out straightaway. He wants me to move on but wont babysit so I can go out and is not making a lot of effort to go. Your thoughts.

[GypsyMoth]

Thoughts? You're well rid! You need to find ways to cope yourself, without relying on him.

[whoisasking]

Erm,

Right so...He lives in your house? You are not together, but merely co-habitees?

Firstly, before I tackle the rest of your post, I must tell you that IME...NO. You cannot live in a home with someone who you were once in love with (and I think you might still be in love with this "man") in an amicable and happy way.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

Feels he knows me better than anyone. He is funny, sociable and great looking everything Im not. Would like to get back not only because of the above but also I am old fashioned and want the family unit. Is this so wrong.. Also a bit of envy, he has loads of woman plus a serious one and I have no-one not even a social life.. Confused yes I am. His life is fun and great and mine is dull and boring.

[hambler]

He's not that into you.
Sorry if this is harsh

[whoisasking]

So. If I understand this correctly you are completely DIVORCED from one another.

He has his life, you have yours. You live under the same roof. You have a child.

He flirts and has other women in front of you. You still want him. You still love him.
He couldn't give a shit and parades his conquests in front of your face?

You are the primary carer of your child. He does not help you. In fact he uses your child as a weapon against you.

Listen to me. Please tell him to fuck the fuck off. UGH, I hate myself when I release all my cannons that way but, honestly, WHAT A PRICK! I'm sure you're scared of being alone. I understand, but honestly, it's not that scary! It's actually liberating.

I know you think you're in love with him. Love isn't something that comes along once. It can happen many, many times. This isn't the end for you.

Let him go. KICK HIM OUT.

[ineedalifelaundry]

'He is funny, sociable and great looking everything Im not.'

You clearly feel inferior to him - and he likes it that way. It makes him feel important and powerful. But the truth is, he is a user, a slimeball, a womaniser (are you sure he has all these other women or is he making most of them up to make himself look like a stud?) and it sounds like he is also a useless father to your DD. He doesn't even have his own house and has to freeload off his friends and ex.

He is in fact considerably inferior to you. You run a home and care for your daughter. You need to get some self respect and get this man out of your house. Please.

[screamingabdab]

What ineedalifelaundry said.

Of course it's not wrong to want a family unit, but you are not going to get it with this man.

He is not caring for your DD, and he has you right where he wants you. I hope you are not sleeping with him.

[saintmaybe]

He sounds very controlling

As long as he's there you can't 'move on'

When he has access to your dd somewhere else you will be able to go out and get a life and he knows that. He sounds like he's putting a lot of effort into stopping that happening.

you have to move this along, because he's not going to. Rather than 'suggesting' he goes now, draw up a simple straightforward plan of action, starting with him moving out and act on it.

If he does know you better than anyone, he is only using it to keep you exactly where he wants you, without regard for what you need/ want. You need to make clear what those needs are, to him and to yourself.

This is taking up your energy and your time, and life is too short to waste them on someone who is never going to give you anything back. Time to get your strength and self-respect back.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

I have woken up to the news of Michael Jackson. SO so young. It has made me realise you are all right. Life is too precious to be constantly hoping something will occur when I know deep down it wont. Have to plan now how to get him out. He stayed out last night and phoned this morning to ask whether dd was upset re: Michael Jackson. He lives on another planet. She was devasted last night because he was out, although he texted her its not enough for her. Then he phones this morning to ask whether she is upset re: MJ as though she should be more upset about Michael Jackson than her own dad. Weird.

[ineedalifelaundry]

Good for you mumdonegood - it's the right decision.

How to get him out... here's one suggestion: give him a deadline to leave with all his stuff, say, one week (or less). Be firm in your resolve and calm but firm in your telling him. If he hasn't gone by then, change the locks, pack his stuff up, and tell him he has one month to collect his stuff before you give it to a charity shop. No hysterics, no change of heart, no discussion. It's your house, your life.

Ultimately your daughter will be happier because he will have to see her under proper access arrangements and will hopefully stop letting her down the way he did last night

Keep us posted - mnetters always ready for support or just for a good slagging off

[MUMDONEGOOD]

WOW You lot are strong, wish I was. Fear Fear and more fear thats all I know.

[ineedalifelaundry]

What are you scared of mumdonegood?

[islandlassie]

He likes the control. Creep.

[MUMDONEGOOD]

I fear being completely on my own. I feel vulnerable when me and dd go out alone. I dont have friends so am lonely of adult conversation. Frightened of committing to someone and leading a boring life. Should I GO ON.....