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is it really possible to have an amicable split & remain friends with your ex dh for sake of the dc

10 replies

anyonethere · 24/06/2009 20:23

dh having an affair & is leaving but would like amicable split, still would like to see dc as much as poss, says he'll support us fully.

am prepared to be amicable over dc access but can't forgive him for deception & lies over the affair. dh saying he wants future with OW. am still v angry with him as he is not in the slightest remorseful about it. how can i move forward?

OP posts:

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whooosh · 24/06/2009 20:27

ooohOwell watching with interest_Dp left 3 months ago for a mutual friend and I would gladly stab the pair of them.
No financial support which also is causing problems but emotionally I am so raw and whilst I can be amicable for about 5 mins,I find myself descending into "under the belt" comments.Hurt too muc to stop myself-not JUST for me but for DD.
If anyone has a magic wand to wipe out 15yrs (Men in Black stylee) then please let me know.

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Curiousmama · 24/06/2009 20:32

for both of you. I was the one who left dh and did manage to have an amicable split eventually once the dust had settled. It is better for dcs obviously but can't be easy if there's a lot of lies.

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dittany · 24/06/2009 20:36

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dittany · 24/06/2009 20:37

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Hassled · 24/06/2009 20:44

It is possible, but it won't happen overnight. My first DH had an affair, I stuck with him for a while and then we split (affair was a symptom rather than a cause, IYSWIM - things were pretty bad) when DS1 and DD were 7 & 5. I was on my own with the DCs for a while, then we started sharing custody - Ex would have them 3 nights, me 4. We were always able to be civil to each other about the DCs, and out of that has grown the sort of friendship we never had when we were married. When my father died, he was the person I turned to - when I unexpectedly became pregnant with DS2 (not his), he was the person I talked to about it, and my concerns re how it would affect our DCs.

My situation might be different from yours in that while I was devastated by the lies and the affair, I knew we had both been unhappy and in some ways the affair gave me the reason I'd been looking for to leave. And I always knew he was a nice guy, just a lousy husband. Having that distinction clear in my mind made the forgiveness bit easier.

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whooosh · 24/06/2009 20:48

Anyonethere- my (now) Ep also shows no remorse whatsover (a little for DD) and as well as losing my DP I have lost my best friend.The lack of remorse really hurts doesn't it?

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Gingeme · 24/06/2009 20:53

Yes it is possible until you meet a new dp/dh then the shit hits the fan all the best to you

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MiaWallace · 24/06/2009 20:53

My situation is very similar to Hassled. Although my ex had the affair, I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere.

Although things were very raw for the first 6 months, 2 years on we are now best friends. I even get on with his partner (who was the OW).

Initially I did it because it was best for dd, now I do it because I genuinely value my ex-p's friendship. We now get on far better than we did when we were together and I think it's made us great parents to a very contended dd.

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ginnny · 24/06/2009 21:42

It is possible but I don't think it will happen immediately.
My ex left me for OW when I was pg with DS2. After the initial shock wore off I eventually met someone else and moved on.
6 years down the line and we are actually really good friends. In fact we had a BBQ on Sunday for ds2s birthday and him and his new girlfriend and her son came along, with my family, DP's family and everyone got along great.
I think the thing is that all the time you have feelngs for your ex you can never be 'friends' but eventually when the raw emotion from the split subsides you can.

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anyonethere · 24/06/2009 23:04

hassled & miawallace, seems like similar situation to you - both of us v unhappy in marriage so am sort of relieved that its come to an end. yes, affair came about because he was unhappy but am mighty pissed off that it sounds like he's gone & found himself his soulmate in the ow - intends to move in with her & her 4dc. they are v well off (going through divorce at the mo) so she will be financially independant of dh.

find myself yoyo-ing between calm, reasonable behaviour & willingness to be amicable, with the intermittent under the belt comments like whoosh. feel so angry & bitter about the betrayal.

how did you go about sorting out living arangements & access for dc & financial stuff - was it done legally?